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Old Aug 20, 2001, 07:29 PM   #1
SleepyHead
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Default Top Ten...

...SIGNS YOU MIGHT NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH

The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians. . .
and you check the table of contents.

You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during
the 60's.

You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms
of your Bible.

You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either
the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave
you this stuff?"

You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to
First Condominiums.

The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime
story: "Jonah, the Shepherd Boy, and His Ark of Many Colors."

------------------

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Our Lady's Psalter
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Old Aug 21, 2001, 05:50 PM   #2
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Default Re: Top Ten...



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This week, the Beatles' greatest hits album, 1, is at number ninety-three on the USA album charts.
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Old Aug 22, 2001, 04:16 AM   #3
 
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...Signs That You Know It's Time to Join Emailers Anonymous

10. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your email on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named Dotcom.

8. You turn off your computer and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)

AND THE NO.1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN EMAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.




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Old Aug 22, 2001, 04:21 AM   #4
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Default Re: Top Ten...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
...SIGNS YOU MIGHT NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH

Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


Actually, it's Xena.


------------------
Containing EVERY clue ever found about this conspiracy, Paul is Dead - The Conclusive Evidence will change your mind about this bizarre coverup.

Do you have a copy of 'Introducing the Beatles'? Do you know whether it's a fake or an original? If not, CLICK HERE! for all the information you need!

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Old Aug 22, 2001, 11:13 PM   #5
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Default Re: Top Ten...

The Top 10 Signs Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts

10. Claims "road rage" was his idea.

9. Makes you stop at every fire hydrant so he can relieve himself.

8. Conducts the first week's lessons in two chairs using imaginary driving motions and engine sounds.

7. Insists on sitting in back seat & being called "Miss Daisy."

6. Fails you unless you can get the airbag to pop.

5. Immediately fails you because his Carmen Miranda-style hat doesn't fit in your Escort.

4. Day One: "Chinese Fire Drills", "Basic Mooning Techniques" and "Reloading a 9mm at 90 mph."

3. Always divides class into "shirts" and "skins."

2. When he yells "England," you're supposed to start driving on the other side of the road.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Driving School Instructor is Nuts...

1. Insists you turn off the headlights and "use the Force."

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Old Aug 22, 2001, 11:16 PM   #6
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Default Re: Top Ten...

Our TOP TEN Murphy's Laws of Computing

10. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

9. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

8. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

7. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

5. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

4. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

3. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

2. . A complex system that won't work is invariably found to have come from a simpler system that worked just fine.

And the #1 Murphy's Law of Computing is...

1. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

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Old Aug 23, 2001, 07:13 AM   #7
 
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Default Re: Top Ten...

Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Blood

10. Watch the bag fill.

9. Hyperventilate.

8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.

7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).

6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.

5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.

4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.

3. Faint.

2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.

1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"


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Old Aug 23, 2001, 07:17 AM   #8
 
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Default Re: Top Ten...

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."


"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"


"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."


"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."


"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"


"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."


"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."


"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."


"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"


"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."


"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."


"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."


"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!


"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."


"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."


"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."


"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."


"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"


"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."


"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."


"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)


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Old Aug 23, 2001, 10:42 AM   #9
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Default Re: Top Ten...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By Nowhere Man:


"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)


<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


LOL!!!!!


------------------
"If not for you my sky would fall, rain would gather too
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all, I'd be lost if not for you"
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Old Aug 23, 2001, 11:41 PM   #10
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Default Re: Top Ten...

I got that one.

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Old Aug 24, 2001, 12:48 AM   #12
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Default Re: Top Ten...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID ISN'T COLLEGE MATERIAL
(from Late Show with David Letterman)

10. His guidance counselor's file contains two words: yard work.

9. In yearbook was voted "Most Likely To Injure Himself Opening A Door"

8. During algebra interupts teacher and asks, "When do we get to whittle?"

7. S.A.T. score? 9

6. Goes by the nickname Darky, Mindy, Nowhere Man, and/or Bearkat.

5. Every time he sees a book he says, "What the hay is this dang thing?"

4. He's the only 37-year-old in the 4th grade.

3. During an appearance on Jeopardy keeps buzzing in and asking, "Alex, can I have some candy?"

2. Thinks "valedictorian" is a brand name for condoms.

1. Can't find Waldo.

------------------
"If not for you my sky would fall, rain would gather too
Without your love I'd be nowhere at all, I'd be lost if not for you"
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Old Aug 24, 2001, 05:00 PM   #13
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Default Re: Top Ten...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By 4thGenFan:
6. Goes by the nickname Darky, Mindy, Nowhere Man, and/or Bearkat.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>





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This week, the Beatles' greatest hits album, 1, is at number ninety-three on the USA album charts.
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Old Aug 25, 2001, 12:17 AM   #14
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Default Re: Top Ten...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By 4thGenFan:
6. Goes by the nickname Darky, Mindy, Nowhere Man, and/or Bearkat. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>



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Old Aug 25, 2001, 12:29 AM   #15
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Default Re: Top Ten...

The Top 10 Surprises in Queen Elizabeth's Financial Records

10. Owns an entire set of Pauly Shore collectable plates.

9. Elizabeth's secret? A weakness for Victoria's Secret.

8. Maintenance and upkeep on Buckingham Palace less than maintenance and upkeep on the Queen Mother.

7. Huge purchases of Spice Girls memorabilia filed under "Miscellaneous - Condiments."
6. Keeps entire royal fortune in that dinky little purse.

5. Largest single expense? Q-Tips for Prince Charles.

4. 1.7 million on jewelry. 0 on visits to the dentist.

3. Dots the 'i' in Elizabeth with a smiley-face when signing checks.

2. Nearly blew the entire wad on Beanie Babies and Macarena lessons.

and the Number 1 Surprise in Queen Elizabeth's Financial Records...

1. Still owes the Columbia Tape and Record Club 9.95 for a Queensryche CD.

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Old Aug 25, 2001, 12:41 AM   #16
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Default Re: Top Ten...

The Top 10 Movie Quotes We'd Like to See

10. "Since the ten of us are surrounding Mr. Van Damme, let's attack him one at a time... it just makes sense."

9. "Dad, can I borrow the Death Star tonight?"

8. "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that without Microsoft PodBay 2.1."

7. "Go ahead, make my... Man, this gun is heavy!"

6. "Use the fork, Luke."

5. "If you build it, they will pay $45 for box seats."

4. "For cryin' out loud, Chewy -- use the sandbox, willya?!

3. "Well, my Dear, let's just see if you give a damn when I hire the best divorce lawyer in Atlanta and take you for half of everything you've got!"

2. "Sorry Captain, I thought there was a Tribble on your head. I'll buy you a new one."

and the #1 movie quote we'd like to see...

1. "I just felt a great disturbance in The Force - or maybe it was that pastrami sandwich."

------------------

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Old Aug 26, 2001, 05:01 AM   #17
 
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Things you don't want to hear during surgery:


Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.


"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."


Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!


Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?


Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.


Oh no! Where's my Rolex?


Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?


There go the lights again.


"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy's got two of 'em."


Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!


Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.


What's this doing here?


Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!


That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?


Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.


Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?


OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.


This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?


Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?


Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.


What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"


FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

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Old Aug 26, 2001, 05:06 AM   #18
 
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Default Re: Top Ten...

Top ten reasons why it's great to be American...


10. You can have a woman president without electing her


9. You can spell "colour" wrong and get away with it


8. You can call Budweiser beer


7. You can be a crook and still be president


6. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything


5. If you can breathe you can get a gun


4. You can invent a new public holiday every year


3. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.


2. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.


1. You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering

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Old Aug 26, 2001, 03:34 PM   #19
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Default Re: Top Ten...

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer...

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

8. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

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Old Aug 26, 2001, 03:41 PM   #20
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Default Re: Top Ten...

Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

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