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Old Aug 14, 2001, 09:15 PM   #1
bearkat77
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Default A Few Clean Laughs Part III

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"

The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

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Old Aug 14, 2001, 09:16 PM   #2
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

New Celebrity Viruses:

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Tonya Harding virus:
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
It'll be back

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Old Aug 15, 2001, 02:30 AM   #3
 
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

How to be a Millionaire? Have stupid friends!

An Irishman, Mick, is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"
Chris Tarrant : "Mick, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one Lifeline left - Phone a Friend.
The next question will give you the Jackpot of $1 million if you get it right, but if you get it wrong, you will be out of the game and drop to $32,000........ Remember, you can take the $500,000 and leave........Are you ready?"
Mick : "Sure, I'll have a go"
Chris : "Which of the following birds do not build it's own nest?"
"Is it: A - Robin B - Sparrow C - Cuckoo D -Thrush?"
Chris : "Remember Mick, it's worth $1 Million."
Mick : "I think I know it but I'm not 100% sure............. No, I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Chris, just to be sure?"
Chris : "Yes Mick, who do you want to phone?"
Mick : "I'll phone Paddy back home in Cork." (ringing)
Paddy : "Hello..."
Chris : "Hello Paddy. This is Chris Tarrant here from 'Who Want To Be A Millionaire'. I have Mick here and he is doing really well on $500,000 but he needs your help to get the $1 Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks - he'll ask you a question. There are 4 possible answers and one of them is the correct answer; you have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away Mick."
Mick : "Paddy, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?"
"Is it: A - Robin B - Sparrow C - Cuckoo D -Thrush?"
Paddy: "Jesus, Mick, that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Mick : "You're sure?"
Paddy: "Yes, I'm sure."
Mick : "Thanks, Paddy." (hangs up)
Chris: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the $1 Million Mick?"
Mick : "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo"
Chris : "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "Yes, that's my final answer."
Chris : "Are you confident?"
Mick : "Yes fairly, Paddy's a sound bet."
Chris : "Mick ....... you had $500,000 and you said Cuckoo...........

You have just won $1 MILLION !!!!!!

Here is your cheque, you have been a great contestant and real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together for Mick." (clapping)
That night Mick brought Paddy to the local pub for drinks and as they were sitting at the bar, Mick turned to Paddy and asked :
"Tell me Paddy, How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, You know f___ about Birds?????"
Paddy: "Listen Mick, everyone knows that the Cuckoo lives in a clock!!!"


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Old Aug 15, 2001, 02:37 AM   #4
 
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

Reasons why smart people stay single

1. Single means you have the time to grow and be the person you want to be.
2. Single gives you space to grow. It is harder to grow when you are too close to someone.
3. Single means learning to live by yourself.
4. Single means freedom.
5. Single means learning not to need a man/woman to make your life meaningful.
6. Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better.
7. Single means that there could be something wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.
8. Single means you are free to love again.
9. Single means you have more time to care for other people.

MARRIGE
1. Marriage is not a word, but a sentence. (Life sentence)
2. Marriage is very much like a violin, after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love, love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's and the woman gets her Master's.
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
6. Marriage is not just having a wife but also inherited worries forever.
7. Marriage requires a man to purchase 4 types of rings - engagement ring, wedding ring, suffe-ring and endu-ring.
8. Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration.
In the first year, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
And in the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
9. It is true that love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
10. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You ordered what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wished you had ordered that.
11. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking, the husband gives and the wife takes.
12. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
13. When a newly-married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.



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Old Aug 15, 2001, 02:54 AM   #5
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

where do you come up with these things?

allie

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Old Aug 15, 2001, 05:17 AM   #6
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that Englishman again "


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Old Aug 15, 2001, 05:18 AM   #7
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door



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Old Aug 15, 2001, 05:19 AM   #8
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

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Old Aug 15, 2001, 05:24 AM   #9
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced
clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram.
"There's no risk of you starting now!"

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Old Aug 15, 2001, 05:25 AM   #10
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

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Old Aug 15, 2001, 05:26 AM   #11
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties. An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"



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Old Aug 15, 2001, 05:27 AM   #12
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."

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Old Aug 15, 2001, 05:36 AM   #13
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks,

"How much land do you have here?"

"About two acres" Jock replies.

"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.

"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."


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Old Aug 15, 2001, 05:54 AM   #14
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

A Scotsman & a Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.
The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Jocks coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out" POOF and it's done.

The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out". "OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".

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Old Aug 15, 2001, 09:15 PM   #15
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"

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Old Aug 15, 2001, 09:16 PM   #16
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.

"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied, "They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."

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Old Aug 16, 2001, 01:27 PM   #17
 
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Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

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Old Aug 16, 2001, 01:40 PM   #18
 
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A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger at Mascot in Sydney. It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz." So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, got smashed and had a great time.
The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up. But it didn't. He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover! Bill's phone rang, it was Bob. Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"I feel great!" replied Bill.
"I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?"
"No. That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover. We ought to do this more often!"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"What?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No...?"
"Well, don't, because I'm in Melbourne!"

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Old Aug 16, 2001, 01:42 PM   #19
 
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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Old Aug 16, 2001, 04:10 PM   #20
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part III

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''

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