My fanfiction.

I'm actually extremely nervous about putting this up :P
I made a thread literally months ago mentioning I was going to try working on one...
So, here is my first story. It's about a young Richard Starkey. My first (and I think my only) romance. It's still incomplete, but there's quite a bit written, for me anyway.
http://musicsringofic.blogspot.com/2...r-trouble.html

There's also the link in my signature.
Any and all feedback is welcome =)

After this I have some fantasy dreamish thing in mind for John. And something else for George.
But I should probably finish this, first xD

EDIT: And they definitely will not be written in first person. I don't like writing like that now that I've tried it xD

Your story's been sitting there for a week with no comments, so maybe I can fill the gap by saying what I think. But I don't read much Beatles fan fiction. Most of it is written by teenage American girls and involves someone from Cincinatti or somewhere being transported back in time, or getting an unexpected visit from George, or being given a backstage pass to a Beatles gig, and so on... I usually stop reading after half a page. I persisted with this one because you do at least attempt something a bit different, setting the scene in the mid-fifties and adopting the persona of a Liverpool girl meeting Ringo long before anyone had heard of him. You get points for that, at least from me. I also like the way you spend time sketching her home life, her relationships with her mother and father, the routine of daily life, and so on. It isn't just about her and Ringo.

It's also quite competently written, in the sense that the grammar and spelling are good for the most part. The prose flows quite well and we don't have to read sentences twice to figure out the meaning. Those are basics, which a lot of fan-fic writers fail on. Apart from a few pernickety things I won't bother with, your English is fine. It's obvious you've been practising for some time, and take the business of writing seriously (which is why I'm taking you seriously).

The story is let down by three things, the first of which is vocabulary. If you are writing as a Liverpool girl c.1956, you need a bit more authenticity. Your language needs de-Americanizing. There are some obvious words, like "klutz", which even you should know are out of place (you could use "biff" instead). Here are some less obvious examples, where I've put down what you've written on the left, with a suggested replacement on the right:

hood - bonnet
gotten out of the hospital - got out of hospital
dumb - thick, or soft
out back - out the back
paycheck - wage packet
national holiday - bank holiday
the neighbourhood here - this area
in the store right by it - in the shop next door
a neighbourhood boy - a local boy

There are many examples like those, which don't matter much individually, but over the course of a whole story they add up to a strong American flavour in the writing.

Unfortunately, this is reinforced by the scene-setting, where I feel you could have done better, assuming you have seen a few films like A Hard Day's Night, or Help. You should have a rough idea what a working-class area of an average English town looks like. Reading your story, I soon found myself in one of those tree-lined American suburban avenues familiar from countless movies and TV shows - "clutching the splintering wooden pillar that held up the sagging roof over our porch" - "I took time to admire the vivid colors of red and orange clad trees"

The wooden houses that are a common sight in US suburbs are almost non-existent in England, where the urban landscape is relentlessly brick. In Ringo's part of town the houses were not even semi-detached, like the Lennons' house. They were terraced houses of the two-up-two-down variety, each jammed up against the next, with not so much as an alleyway between. Here's a picture of Admiral Grove today, looking a lot smarter than it would have done in Ringo's day:

http://www.photo-digital.co.uk/engla...iral-grove.htm

The Webbs of your story would have had a house not very different from that. No one had such a thing as a "porch", because there wasn't room for one. Someone walking past your house (on the "pavement", rather than the "sidewalk") could put out their hand and touch the window of your front room. And you can forget about trees. Streets like those wouldn't have had any.

The third weak spot is the dialogue, which needs a total re-write. Your attempt at conveying Liverpool speech is not successful. There is nothing in it to distinguish it from, eg, the speech of the boy who lives next door to you in America. Basically it's just mangled spelling: "I know ya didn’ mean ta trip like that, luv.” That example contains all three of the biggest offenders in Beatles fanfic - "ya", "ta", and "luv". When sustained for the full length of a story all they do is annoy the ear. The third of them isn't even authentic. It's mostly associated with cockney speech, not scouse, especially when spelt that way - "luv". And things only get worse when Ritchie suddenly turns Scottish: "“Yer father usually yell at ye like that?”

My advice is to drop it altogether, and put everything in normal spelling. Even writers who can successfully capture the phonetics of Liverpool speech via peculiar spelling are not advised to do it except in short bursts and for special reasons. The way the best writers convey the authentic sound is through choice of words and particular turns of phrase.

But I don't want to come across as too negative. I like what you've done, and think you should go ahead and develop the story. It's just that you've set yourself the task of inhabiting the character of one of Ringo's neighbours, and you have to make the language and the detail reasonably authentic to make the story credible.

Thank you for all the feedback and taking your time in reading it, I really appreciate it. I was beginning to think it was fairly hopeless. I know it needs improvement, and I'm glad to finally have something to work on before I go any further.
I especially appreciate the help with the settings and de-Americanized speaking.
Things where things I myself had trouble with and knew were a weaker point of the story. I hope it's not a complete disaster anyway, and I'll try my best to correct them.
Again, thank you for the feedback. =)

On Live JOurnal, there are very active Beatles writers groups and finding help with the Americanisms as well as access to websites with 60s Liverpool slang is available along with people that might be able to help you. (I don't use those resources enough either) and for those that don't like the time-travel stories, there are certain groups that actually don't have and never have those types.

I'll definitely take a look at Live Journal, thank you. :)
I tried using a site with 50's slang words, but in the end, it didn't help out so much.

Originally Posted by Ketman

Your story's been sitting there for a week with no comments, so maybe I can fill the gap by saying what I think. But I don't read much Beatles fan fiction. Most of it is written by teenage American girls and involves someone from Cincinatti or somewhere being transported back in time, or getting an unexpected visit from George, or being given a backstage pass to a Beatles gig, and so on... .

I've been reading and writing Beatles fan fic for over 25 years. I've never read anything like these you describe but I do like the ones where they break into the room and it ends up really dirty.

Way too many of the stories are angsty about John and Paul's relationship. (and some may love the angst).

LetThereBeMusic, I read your story a couple of nights ago and am just now getting a chance to comment on it, your Ritchie is very sweet, Ringo needs to be the lead character more often in stories; Ringo is my 2nd favorite to read about (George being 1st), and it's nice to see him portrayed this way, I think you capture him well. I also enjoyed Ketman's listing of Liverpool terms, that was enlightening reading. I love learning dialects and slang local to the region. I see you haven't updated since February, I believe? Will there be more?

Thank you for reading it, I'm glad you enjoyed it n__n
And yes, I will be adding a few more chapters (once I've corrected the current errors). Sometime this summer (next chapter is mostly finished). It's just been kind busy with school and everything, and so I get most of my writing done in the last six months of the year xD.
This being the first romance I've tried to write, I feel it might be a bit awkward. So I'm glad he at least seems like Ringo. =)

Oh, And Ketman- one question. The only time I see 'hood' being used is in reference to the car hood.
I don't assume that would be changed to bonnet? xD Just making 100%.

^Yup, "bonnet" is name for the lid that covers the engine. And the one at the back of the car is called the "boot", not the "trunk".

Thanks again. I had to make sure because I was thinking of jackets. =P

'Music, did you read www.rooftopsessions.com? There is a section called "Musings on the Writers' Craft" where you can find even more helpful information, including that of dialect/idioms and how to be true to the times, e.g. you would NOT be driving a Honda Civic in 1964.

Good story!

I've read several stories from RS, as well as some of the help articles. But I'm not sure I've seen that one. I'll be sure to take a look, thank you. =D