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Old Jul 31, 2002, 02:10 AM   #121
SleepyHead
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

On The Phone

A housewife with three young children was
getting dinner ready when the phone rang.
The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi,
Daddy!" and she began telling him about
her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother
and sister as was the custom whenever
Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she
took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon."

"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the
other end replied. "I just called to tell you
that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"


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Old Jul 31, 2002, 02:12 AM   #122
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

Clean Desk

My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so
he sent a memo saying that any paper left
on desks would be removed at night and
we would have to fill-out a form to get it back.

So we left all our garbage paper on our desks
every night.

In a week, the boss had an office full of
garbage and we never heard about the
policy again.


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Old Jul 31, 2002, 02:12 AM   #123
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

Animal-like

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone
one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's
on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd
like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied.
"Right now I'd say he's sheepish."


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Old Jul 31, 2002, 02:18 AM   #124
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

Where Grandmother Lives

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman
hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for
the holidays."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want
her we just go out there and get her."


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Old Jul 31, 2002, 02:19 AM   #125
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

Would You Be Scared?

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history
class to understand how the Indians must have
felt when they first encountered the Spanish
explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone
showed up on your doorstep who looked very
different, spoke a strange language and wore
unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was
my sister's date."



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Old Jul 31, 2002, 08:55 AM   #126
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
The "Perfect Man" is Mr. Potato Head... He's tan. He's cute.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.


<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

HA HA HA lol i like that one



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Old Jul 31, 2002, 11:48 PM   #127
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

One of my personal faves!

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Old Aug 02, 2002, 09:00 AM   #128
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

One of my blonde friends sent this to me, so I guess it's not too offensive for her to pass it on to me, a brunette.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says “sign here,” she wrote
“Sagittarius.”

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,
“Concentrate.”

She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on “Soul Train.”

She sold the car for gas money.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front”.

HAPPY FRIDAY!


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Old Aug 04, 2002, 04:50 PM   #129
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI



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Old Aug 04, 2002, 06:32 PM   #130
 
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By backtotheegg:

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


laugh2;

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chim chimney
chim chim cheeree
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Old Aug 07, 2002, 09:48 PM   #131
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

Think Like A Lawyer!

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor
instructed.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with, or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally..."

X_______________sign here

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Old Aug 12, 2002, 07:08 AM   #132
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

The Bird Question

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one
lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right,
the next question is worth one million dollars.
If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000.
Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not
build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who
Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam
here who needs your help to answer the one
million dollar question. The next voice you hear
will be Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not
build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C)
cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the
$500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis:" Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right!
Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION
DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That
night they go out on the town. As they're sipping
champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her,"
Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo
that does not build its own nest?"

"Pam, it was easy," replies her (blonde?) friend.
"Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."


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Old Aug 12, 2002, 07:16 AM   #133
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

Cow Pony

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization
of wealthy city women, met and decided
that this month's outing was to be at a dairy
farm. Most of them had lived in the city all
their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the
rented bus which whisked them off to their
destination. On the way, they watched out
the windows as the city squalor turned into
lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the
farmer who invited them to look him up
should they have any questions. Myrtle,
after looking about, and being amazed by
what she saw, stepped into a building and
viewed something she thought was quite
remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by
and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow
have any horns?" The farmer cocked his
head for a moment, then began in a patient
tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful
lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we
keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw.
Other times we can fix up the young 'uns
by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their
horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never
grow horns. But the reason this cow don't
have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."


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Old Aug 12, 2002, 07:17 AM   #134
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

Captain

One of the world's most famous merchant
captains died, having long been admired by
his crew and fellow officers. They remained
puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he
performed daily.

While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin
and open a small safe, take out an envelope
with a note inside and read it. After locking the
paper back in the safe, he would return to his
duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became
very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a
letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated
about the contents of the strange envelope.

After laying the captain's body to rest, the first
mate led the entire crew back to the ship and
into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe,
got the envelope and read the words aloud to
an astonished crew:

'Port: Left, Starboard: Right.'


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Old Aug 12, 2002, 07:20 AM   #135
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

25 Things You Should Have Learned
By The Time You Have Reached Middle Age


1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will
fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian,
any more than standing in a garage makes you
a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick
the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room
with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion
that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you
probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the
speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your
other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from
earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing
the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going
than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than
you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables
you to recognize a mistake when you make it
again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet,
they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice
contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

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Old Aug 12, 2002, 07:21 AM   #136
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to
happen.'


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Old Aug 12, 2002, 07:21 AM   #137
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

If you're playing a poker game and you look around
the table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.


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Old Aug 12, 2002, 07:22 AM   #138
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder
these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like
they used to?


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Old Aug 12, 2002, 07:22 AM   #139
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

According to a recent survey, men say the first
thing they notice about women is their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about
men is they're a bunch of liars.


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Old Aug 12, 2002, 07:22 AM   #140
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save
you thirty cents?


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