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Old May 11, 2001, 01:38 AM   #1
SleepyHead
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Default A Few Clean Laughs :)

Murphy's Laws for Parents

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses-- will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. By definition
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.[/list]
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Old May 11, 2001, 01:46 PM   #2
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me
know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE
OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED,
BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."


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Old May 11, 2001, 01:47 PM   #3
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and
her parents were sitting on the couch
chatting. Krystal asked, " Daddy, you're
the boss of the house, right?"

Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the
boss of the house."

But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when
she added, "Cause Mommy put you in
charge, Daddy?"

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Old May 11, 2001, 02:54 PM   #4
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

Oh that made me remember a joke. It's better in Spanish, but I think I can translate it. (And it's also a revenge from us the sons )

There was another kid, talking to his mum:
-Mum, is it a stork the one who delivers the babies?
-Yes, sweetie, it is.
-Mum, is it Santa Claus the one who gives the Christmas presents?
-Yes, sweetie, he is.
-Mum, is it God the one that provides each day's food?
-Yes, sweetie, he is.
-Then what do you want my daddy for?

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Running on a dark race course"

[This message has been edited by darkhorse (edited May 11, 2001 at 02:56 PM).]
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Old May 11, 2001, 09:24 PM   #5
 
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

What my mother taught me...

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that comes out of the carpet".

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "IF you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week".

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why".

My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure that you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident".

My mother taught me IRONY: "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about".

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner".

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!".

My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone".

My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado went through your room".

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it".

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father".

My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in the world that don't have wonderful parents like you".


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Old May 11, 2001, 11:57 PM   #6
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

"What All Those Acronyms Really Mean"

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

DEC = Do Expect Cuts

CA = Constant Acquisitions

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.

SCSI = System Can't See It

DOS = Defunct Operating System

BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW = World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

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Old May 12, 2001, 12:00 AM   #7
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

That's cute, and oh so very true, atleast my mum would say so.

------------------
" Are you a mod or a rocker?"
" No I'm a mocker."

" Go to the window... Go to the window."

"Oh won't you please, please help me!"-Fred

"I'm not dead yet."
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Old May 12, 2001, 02:33 AM   #8
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

A personal favourite of mine

On New Year's Eve, Judy stood up at the local
pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every
husband to be standing next to the one person
who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The
bartender was almost crushed to death.


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Old May 12, 2001, 04:38 PM   #9
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

Top 45 Oxymorons:

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

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Old May 12, 2001, 04:39 PM   #10
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

Oh, and here's one more for good measure:

Internet Security

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Old May 12, 2001, 06:34 PM   #11
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SleepyHead:
One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and
her parents were sitting on the couch
chatting. Krystal asked, " Daddy, you're
the boss of the house, right?"

Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the
boss of the house."

But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when
she added, "Cause Mommy put you in
charge, Daddy?"

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


LOL that is hilarious!


------------------
" Are you a mod or a rocker?"
" No I'm a mocker."

" Go to the window... Go to the window."

"Oh won't you please, please help me!"-Fred

"I'm not dead yet."
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Old May 13, 2001, 12:30 AM   #12
Harb83
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

you missed one out Nowhereman...

My mother taught me THE SIMPLE RULES WHEN LOOKING FOR SOMETHING : It's always inthe last place you look.

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Old May 13, 2001, 03:36 AM   #13
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bearkat77:
Oh, and here's one more for good measure:

Internet Security
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

or computer anonymity...


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Old May 13, 2001, 06:12 AM   #14
 
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."


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Old May 13, 2001, 11:36 AM   #15
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

Things To Ponder On by George Carlin:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
3. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
4. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
5. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
6. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
7. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?8. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
9. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
10. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"
12. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
13. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
17. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
18. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

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Old May 13, 2001, 01:21 PM   #16
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bearkat77:
2. If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
5. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
6. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I have always wanted to know those answers...



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Old May 13, 2001, 02:48 PM   #17
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

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Old May 13, 2001, 02:49 PM   #18
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago."

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Old May 13, 2001, 02:49 PM   #19
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say
your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered: "My MUMMY says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher, "and what does your Mummy SAY?"

Replied the little boy: "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

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Old May 13, 2001, 02:50 PM   #20
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Default Re: A Few Clean Laughs :)

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the
genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job
that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

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