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Hari's Chick

Mar 06, 2003, 07:09 AM

Axis of Evil Wannabees

by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil .. in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . . we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable
clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

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Rellevart

Mar 06, 2003, 07:29 AM

Originally Posted By Hari's Chick:
"Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The whole article was hilarious, but this one was my favorite. Thanks for posting this, HC, I loved it. images/icons/smile.gif

Lynner

Mar 06, 2003, 08:08 AM

heeheehee thanks, HC! I love his writing! Great story. I don't think I can pick out a fave bit, but the one Rell picked was one of the better ones! images/icons/smile.gif

Hari's Chick

Mar 07, 2003, 03:27 PM

I'm glad you guys liked it... images/icons/smile.gif

Here is one from Terry Jones as well...more serious in tone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush

Terry Jones
Sunday January 26, 2003
The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I!
For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out.

My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
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(Thanks, Anth & Maharishi!) images/icons/smile.gif

[ Mar 07, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message Edited By: Hari's Chick ]

OnlySleeping

Mar 07, 2003, 03:44 PM

Classic! images/icons/smile.gif Thanks for posting!

SF4-EVER

Mar 07, 2003, 05:01 PM

I liked the Terry Jones article too -- though I personally have trouble putting logic and our current president in the same sentence.

Savoy Truffle

Mar 07, 2003, 08:11 PM

Originally posted by Hari's Chick:
Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", Heehee. This is my favourite quote from the first one, for obvious reasons images/icons/grin.gif (we don't really have these 'nasty thoughts' though images/icons/wink.gif )

John Cleese is hilarious!

And the Terry Jones article: Well, he certainly makes his point very well! images/icons/smile.gif

joelcrowservo

Mar 08, 2003, 12:45 AM

Are the Pythons trading notes again? Will Eric Idle chime in? Will Graham Chapman? Thats what I wanna know. graemlins/wink1.gif

FPSHOT

Mar 08, 2003, 03:34 PM

John Cleese's story is magnificant, I can really see him performing this in front of an audience, in his Fawlty Towers look, standing, back right up and saying it all with a lot of confidence.

Lynner

Mar 08, 2003, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted By joelcrowservo:
Are the Pythons trading notes again? Will Eric Idle chime in? Will Graham Chapman? Thats what I wanna know. graemlins/wink1.gif If Graham chimes in I will be very afraid. images/icons/wink.gif

Maggie Mae

Mar 08, 2003, 04:20 PM

Originally Posted By Savoy Truffle:
<blockquote>Quote:<hr />Originally posted by Hari's Chick:
Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", Heehee. This is my favourite quote from the first one, for obvious reasons images/icons/grin.gif (we don't really have these 'nasty thoughts' though images/icons/wink.gif )
<hr /></blockquote>Don't we?

graemlins/laugh5.gif * graemlins/laugh5.gif * graemlins/laugh5.gif

IWantToTellYou

Mar 09, 2003, 12:13 AM

graemlins/laugh3.gif *

John Cleese is a genius!

I know a lot of Canadians don't like Bush, I don't like him at all. I don't hate Americans.

I just wish that the most powerful nation in the world had a President that wasn't a war monger.

joelcrowservo

Mar 09, 2003, 02:55 AM

Originally Posted By Lynner:
<blockquote>Quote:<hr />Originally Posted By joelcrowservo:
Are the Pythons trading notes again? Will Eric Idle chime in? Will Graham Chapman? Thats what I wanna know. graemlins/wink1.gif If Graham chimes in I will be very afraid. images/icons/wink.gif <hr /></blockquote>I can just see non- Python fans going "HUH?". Graham Chapmans dead, folks. The group has a theory they'll die in alphabetical order BTW.

Lynner

Mar 09, 2003, 11:59 AM

Originally Posted By joelcrowservo:
<blockquote>Quote:<hr />Originally Posted By Lynner:
<blockquote>Quote:<hr />Originally Posted By joelcrowservo:
Are the Pythons trading notes again? Will Eric Idle chime in? Will Graham Chapman? Thats what I wanna know. graemlins/wink1.gif If Graham chimes in I will be very afraid. images/icons/wink.gif <hr /></blockquote>I can just see non- Python fans going "HUH?". Graham Chapmans dead, folks. The group has a theory they'll die in alphabetical order BTW.<hr /></blockquote>I didn't know about that theory - If I was John, I'd be very, very careful!

bearkat77

Mar 09, 2003, 01:29 PM

John Cleese is totally hilarious. I enjoyed the whole thing. graemlins/laugh7.gif

Savoy Truffle

Mar 09, 2003, 08:36 PM

Originally posted by MaggieMae: [B] Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally Posted By Savoy Truffle:

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Hari's Chick:
Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America",
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Heehee. This is my favourite quote from the first one, for obvious reasons images/icons/grin.gif (we don't really have these 'nasty thoughts' though images/icons/wink.gif )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't we?
graemlins/laugh5.gif graemlins/laugh5.gif graemlins/laugh5.gif
[B] Well, not TOO nasty! graemlins/laugh4.gif

Hari's Chick

Mar 09, 2003, 09:31 PM

Originally Posted By Lynner:
Or consider changing my name! images/icons/wink.gif True!! graemlins/laugh5.gif

Lynner

Mar 10, 2003, 12:00 AM

Or consider changing my name! images/icons/wink.gif