Christmas Humor

[bearkat77]

These are a few of the jokes I've collected over the past week. I hope you enjoy them as much as I.

Christmas Signs Seen Everywhere

Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

A Texas jeweller store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000."

A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."

[bearkat77]

All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman....

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

Wearing white is always appropriate.

Winter is the best of the four seasons.

It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.

It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

We're all made up of mostly water.

You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

Avoid yellow snow.

Don't get too much sun.

It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

Always put your best foot forward.

There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

[bearkat77]

Pre-Christmas Flight Check

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."

[bearkat77]

Santa's Reindeer

Santa's reindeer have just landed on a roof on Christmas Eve.

Just then someone yells from a house, "Look its Santa and his 8 reindeer!"

From another house someone yells, "Santa and his 13 reindeer!!"

Then from a third house someone yells, "Hey look 21 reindeer."

Donner says, "You can always tell when we're in Florida."

[bearkat77]

Chrome

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict."

His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.

He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"

The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

[bearkat77]

Rudolph

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening.

He says to his wife, "Look honey. Its raining."

She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think its snowing."

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let's step outside and we'll find out."

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.

And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies, "I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"