A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

[SleepyHead]

Signs your cat is getting old...

Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per
day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.

Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.

Last year: Went a-courtin' carrying a "pencil full o' lead."
This year: Goes a-courtin' carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.

Complains non-stop about the "bankrupt moral values of kittens
these days."

Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.

Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.

Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.

Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to
get the heck out of his yard
.
Occasionally forgets to ignore you.

Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one
hairball.

While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a
moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Sign you need a new doctor...

Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.

He has an assistant named Igor.

The local bar association named him "client of the year."

Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his
waiting room.

He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.

All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself
Series".

He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.

During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone
connected to the knee bone" song.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as
stray eyebrows." -Janette Barber-


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Whoever thought up the word "mammogram"? Every time
I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope
and send it to someone." -Jan King-


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and
being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I
originally got pierced ears." -Geri Jewell-


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint." -Erma Bombeck-

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country." -Liz Winstead-


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets
at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have
a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon,
and a cat that comes home late every night." -Marie Corelli-


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance,
waiting to get into the bathroom."-- Bob Hope--


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Spouse [noun]; A person who will stand by you through
all of the trouble that you wouldn't have had if you had
stayed single.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always
say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say,
"No, it's for company!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The "Perfect Man" is Mr. Potato Head... He's tan. He's cute.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Today in the stockmarket...

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
And last but not least....Coca Cola fizzled.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

BEDTIME PRAYER FOR MOM AND DAD

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back--not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(Did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
I pray I need not cook or clean,
(Well heck, I've got the right to dream!)

Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep.
But as I look around I know
I must have lost them long ago!


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Why it's nice to be a dog...

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner,
or anything else for that matter.

When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day
and never worry about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch
it in public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a
stranger's lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A sign on the elevator door in the building where I work
stated, "This elevator is out of whack." Later someone
had penciled in, "More whack is on order."


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.
"You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family
is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people
prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact,
I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just
a squeeze of lemon?"


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the
wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation. "I don't have one,"
she said. "Well, then, are you a friend of the groom?" He asked.
"I should say not," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILDHOOD MAY BE OVER

*Just one peanut butter and jelly
sandwich doesn't do it anymore.

*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

*Being bad is not longer cool.

*You have friends who have kids of their own.

*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

*You are taller than the slide
at the McDonald's playland.

*Your parents' jokes are now funny.

*You own a copy of Michael Jackson's
"Thriller" album that you bought new
when it first came out.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

SPECIAL CASH REGISTER
Christine Karge Dewey
Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States"

Our local supermarket had just been equipped with
a "talking" cash register. I listened, amused, as
a mechanical voice announced each item and its
price when the clerk passed it over the scanner.

After everything had been checked through, the
relentless machine told me the total and, after
I paid, the change due.

The cashier, who had not yet spoken during the
transaction, got my change and closed the drawer
of the finally silent cash register. Looking at
me, she said smugly, "I still get to say,
'Thank You!"


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

FAILING MATH

A little boy returned home from school and
told his father that he had failed the math
test. "Why did you fail?" his father asked.

"The teacher asked me how much is 3 x 2,
and I told her it is 6," the boy replied.

"Well, that is the right answer!" the father
said.

The little boy replied, "Then the teacher
asked me, 'How much is 2 x 3?' "

"What the heck and tarnation is the difference?"
asked the father.

"That's exactly what I said to my teacher,"
the boy replied. "That's why I failed the
math test!"


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

WHEN THE WIND QUITS...

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas
Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds.
At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What
do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"

The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat when
she answered, "We take the rocks out of our
pockets."


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

New York Driving Rules

Turn signals will give away your next move.
A real Long Island driver never uses them.
Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a
safe distance between you and the car in front
of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody
else putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-
change is considered "going with the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the
smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs
extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible
to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice,
relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a
chance to stretch your legs.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

New York Driving Rules
Part II

Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to
provide useful information. They are only there to
make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract
you from seeing the state police radar car parked
on the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the
right.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as
suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable
during rush hour.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you
see an accident, or even if someone is just
changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the
landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews
something to clean up.

It is assumed that state police cars passing at
high speed may be followed in the event you need
to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or
the beach.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to
change any of the previously listed rules. These
weather conditions are Lord's way of ensuring a
natural selection process for body shops, junkyard,
and new vehicle sales.



------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm
and was soon swaying and bumping around
the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be
sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.

"Can't you do something?" she demanded
angrily.

"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently,
"I'm in sales, not management."


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

How To Shower Like A Woman
Part I

1. Take off clothing and place in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing
gown. If you see husband along the way,
cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in mirror
and stick out gut so you can complain and
whine even more about getting fat.

4. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth,
legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.

5. Wash hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition hair with Cucumber & Lamfrey
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Giner Nut and
Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least
fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all
come off)


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

How To Shower Like A Woman
Part II

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini
area, but decide to get it waxed instead. (Ouch!)

12. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and
you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of
a small African country.

16. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.

17. Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit.
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing
gown and towel on head.

19. If you see husband along the way, cover up
exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend
an hour and a half getting dressed.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Who Is Trustworthy?

A defense attorney was cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial. It went like
this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the
scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender running
several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of
this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow
officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this, then,
officer -- do you have a locker room in the police
station -- a room where you change your clothes
in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR
FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that
you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with those officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with a court
complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have
been known to walk through that room.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Tooth Fairy

My ten-year-old son informed us that part
of his tooth had come out. We checked and,
sure enough, a piece had broken off.

Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my
husband, "What do you suppose the tooth
fairy gives for half a tooth?"

"Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth,
the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion
for hunting and fishing, my family eats a
considerable amount of wild game. So much,
in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of
broiled venison steaks on the dinner table,
my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,
"Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in
the woods."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

When my daughter was three, we watched
Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the
first time. The wicked queen appeared,
disguised as an old lady selling apples, and
my daughter was spellbound.

Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned
apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As
the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up.
"See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Being Late

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee
break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife
was asleep when I got home, so I was able
to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy,
you're lucky. My wife was wide awake,
waiting for me in bed, and she started
swearing at me and giving me heck for
being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you
do?"

The second deaf man signed, "I turned out
the light!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he
finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his
guts then waited for the profound wisdom of
the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions,
took some notes then sat thinking in silence for
a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of
delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is
low self-esteem. It is very common among
losers."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs.
Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give
up her apartment in New York and move to
Miami. She was given the name of a Florida
realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all
over Miami, extolling the virtues of every
apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized,
"the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten
years it's going to be worth three times..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my
age, I don't even buy green bananas!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A senior woman is on a cruise ship and
wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch
with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
"I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday
and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday,
I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to
her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink,
too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender,
I want a scotch with two drops of water.
"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you one, too."

The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I
would like another scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives
her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my
age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water,
however, is a whole other issue."



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Don't Make Nurse Mad...

A big shot business man had to spend a couple
of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to
the nurses because he bossed them around
just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him. The head nurse was
the only one who could stand up to him. She
came into his room and announced,

"I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally
settled down, crossed his arms and opened
his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining,
but eventually he rolled over and bared his
rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer,
he heard her announce, "I have to get something.
Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her
way out. He curses under his breath as he
hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes
into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter,
Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having
their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no.
I guess I haven't. Not with a daffodil, anyway."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The driver screamed, lost control of the car,
nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk,
and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever
do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't
realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's
not really your fault. Today is my first day as
a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained
to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I
asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way
back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember
to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George.

"You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted.
"While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who
hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well,
we got to talking and he gave me this half-million
dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary.
"I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

You know it's time to diet when...

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk
carton for your picture.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor
gives you 22 more years to live. (I LIKE that one!!)


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I think this no-fly zone they have is a good idea.
They also need a no-mosquito zone.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Hear about the new invention? It is a beeper that also
peels veggies...they call it......Beeper Pared.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they
won't come to yours.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss
always finds me and brings me back.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a
million typewriters will eventually produce a masterpiece.
Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose fitting clothing.
If I *had* any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

And just how hot is it, you ask...

Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is
hotter than the air inside.

Airplanes can't land because the asphalt is too soft.

The ducks in the park come in "original recipe" and
"extra crispy."

The tomatoes are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.

The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to
fan themselves.

Your brother's braces make blisters on his lips.

You've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A FLEA POWDER

Times are tough and life's been hard
Since I came North on a St. Bernard.
This Northern winter freezes fleas.
I dream of life back on the Keys.

The Northern fleas said, "You'll adapt.
Get flea ear muffs and a stocking cap."
I did, but came to realize:
Flea boots are not made in my size.

It's bad in snow and frost and sleet,
A flea can't flit with freezing feet.
My mind, once just upon the paw,
Now craves an early warming thaw.

This wind chill factor's not for fleas,
I'm numb from drinking anti-freeze.
My nose is red, my knees are blue.
A Southern flea with Asian Flu.

Bad things, as good, come to an end.
Now I'm a happy flea, my friend.
So heat my grits and shut my mouth.
I'm on a Schnauzer heading South.

By Grandpa Tucker


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Sometimes the last words you hear may be the last
ones you don't WANT to hear...

You'll be perfectly safe behind this lead plate.

It's so tame you can put your head in its mouth.

It was fresh just last week.

It's pretty much grounded.

That should be at least enough gas to make it across Nevada.

It doesn't look like the bridge is out.

They only attack when they're hungry.

What can possibly go wrong?

Don't be silly... polar bears can't get into igloos.

Of course nuns can fly!


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive
locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave
her name on it?" the jeweler asked.
The customer thought for a moment, and then said,
"No, just engrave - To My
One And Only Love - that way, if we ever break up,
I can use it again."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Church finances were a little tight, so the pastor took
extra time this particular Sunday to emphasize the
importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings.
He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically
by saying "God loves a cheerful giver."
As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew,
quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the
offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked
him what in the world he thought he was doing.
The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the
offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting
in a bar having a drink (or two or three) , doing what most
old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and
their wives.

They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their
comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.

And it always ended in a contest over who had the
worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise
looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided
to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always
arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said
the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so
loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife
was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth
she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we
haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's
wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch
her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite
your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names.
Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool,
but.... Who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied something along the lines of
"Whumpo Havo Noja"

Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief
explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in
English to 'Three-Old-Horses.'"

More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but
what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?"

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said ,
"Nag, Nag, Nag."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

MUSICAL REMINDER

It seems that every time our piano tuner, John,
comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting
too long between tunings. I agree with him that
it should be done every six months, but I don't
really think about it until the piano sounds
off-key.

The last time he came over, I was on the
defensive. "If you would send out a postcard
reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I
would make sure to call you for an appointment
in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on,
when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

DAFFY DEFINITIONS

Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone
serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid,
such as your septic tank.

Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.

Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans, and tofu.

Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper;

Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.

Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Actual letters written to welfare officers...

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby
was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has
been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell
me why?

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to
twins in the enclosed envelope.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded
my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week
before he was born.

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Steven Wrightisms are becoming very popular. He is very witty
and gets right to the point!!

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
have the pen!

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the
money go?

Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to
'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny."

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all
the money go?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you
wave a fan club?

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't
know what to feed it.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Here are some things for that educational time of the school
day....Show and Tell.......hillbilly style.

A cowpie clock made in Sunday school last year.

A tractor tire that killed your cousin.

Your lucky rabbit's foot, that your cousin had with him
when he got ran over by that tractor.

A possum skull from last nights dinner.

Grandma's pantaloons, the ones you use as a swing.

Roadkill. That way you only have to carry one bag
(lunch and show and tell).

Your favorite entertainment system: your family's bug zapper!

Your cow chip collection, paying special attention to the ones
that look like former presidents!


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye
dog.They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring
the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, proceeds
to lead the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic.This,
of course, is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring
as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk
on the other side of the street.
The man then pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he
offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control
his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you
rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A soldier went up to the Company cook and said,
"If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and
dirt in the food."
The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your
own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"
"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend
it, not to eat it."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Company Slogans

A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?"

"United." Joe answered.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mum."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean,
looking for something to do. They came up underneath a
ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster,
swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything
on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on
board.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over
those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't stop myself once
I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."


------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to
Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead.
His body was shipped back home, where
the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Melling's brother came in to make sure
everything was taken care of. "Would you
like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the
others get here." The undertaker led him into
the next room and opened the top half of the
casket. He stood back and proudly displayed
his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two
weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

When Mr Midas was dying, he devised a plan to
take some of his fortune with him. He called the
three people he trusted the most - his priest, his
doctor, and his personal attorney. He gave them
each an envelope with $1 million in cash, and
asked them to place the money in his coffin so
that he could take it with him. All three agreed to
do so.

At the funeral, each in turn approached the coffin,
and placed their envelope inside. On leaving the
cemetery, the priest told the others, "I must confess
to you both that I only placed $700,000 in the coffin.
My church is in desperate need of repairs, so I took
the rest of the money to accomplish this worthy
project."

The doctor then said, "I must also confess; I took
$500,000 to purchase new medical equipment,
which my hospital badly needs to save people's
lives. I am sure that Mr. Midas would have
approved, if he had really thought about it".

The attorney looked at them both sternly, and said,
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves. I
followed Mr Midas' instructions to the letter. When
I put the envelope into the coffin, it contained my
personal check for the full $1 million!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

New Pledge Options

This is going the rounds at the Graduate Theological
Union in Berkeley.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE
REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION,
(SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE),
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

San Francisco (SatireWire.com) - A U.S. federal appeals
court ruled recently that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance
in public school is unconstitutional because it contains
the phrase 'under G~d', a decision that has infuriated
politicians from both parties, and sent the United States
on a desperate search for a new sponsor.

While the U.S. Justice Department said it plans to appeal
the ruling, officials are quietly speaking with several
potential sponsors interested in having their brands
associated with America, and are already test- marketing
the phrases One nation, under Wal-Mart, One nation,
under Windows XP, and One nation, but 24,000 Starbucks.

Until an agreement is reached, however, the U.S. will
advertise by replacing the phrase One nation, under G~d,
with One nation (sponsorship opportunities available).

While the words 'under G~d' were only added to the
Pledge by Congress in 1954, God has been the title
patron of the United States since its founding in 1776,
and the G~d name adorns everything from U.S. currency
to the phrase So help me G~d used to swear in judges
and politicians. According to analysts, severing that 226-
year relationship without an alternative is a mistake.

Over the years, the U.S. under G~d has been a great
draw for the major players - Einstein, Solzhenitsyn,
John Lennon, said government marketing analyst Gil
Treacle. Without G~d s brand recognition and infinite
marketing powers, you risk losing the marquis names
to competitors. Then the networks don't renew, the
money dries up, the fans revolt, and the next thing you
know, you're Argentina.

But others defended the decision, saying it was wrong
to force religion on anyone. The phrase under G~d
clearly violates the separation of church and state,
said McDonald's CEO Jack Greenberg.

However, there is nothing in the Constitution that
separates chicken and state, which is why we're
proposing, One nation, six chicken McNuggets and
a medium Coke, all for $1.99. Europeans, meanwhile,
seemed to be confused by the uproar. I don't understand.
I always thought it was One nation, we are G~d, said
British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Oh my, I ve been
worshipping them for nothing.

Back in America, many questioned whether the
United States really needs a patron, and instead
suggested the Pledge should include verbiage that
simply reflects America. So far, the leading contenders:

One nation, under indictment,
One nation, road under repair,
One nation, sure, but with cheerleaders!
One nation, under yellow alert, please report any
suspicious activity,
One nation, but kinda two if you count Canada.



------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[backtotheegg]

I don't know many clean jokes, but here it goes........

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after awhile they got to know
each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of
course,
the bride broom, the other the groom broom.



The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The
groom
broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.



The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding
dinner, the

bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am
going to
have a little whisk broom!!!"



"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this!!?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt....

Really bad...

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!"


















------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

Benny was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm
tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep,
and
after a whole day his legs became sun burnt beyond belief. He could
hardly
stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looked at Benny's lobster colored legs and shook his head.
"You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility,"
he
explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try
taking
one of these just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him some tablets
of
Viagra.

Puzzled, Benny asked, "Doc, I've got a wicked sunburn! What's a Viagra
tablet going to do?" "Unfortunately, not a thing for the sunburn," the
doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."

------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"

"And the rest of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be
after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the
conversation proceeded:

Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father
O'Malley
replied:

Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next
of
kin!"



------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.

The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay. But don't start nuttin!"




------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says,"Gimme' a beer and a mop!"


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Darn," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[mindgames]

Hill woman Number One: "What do you think of Red China?"
Hill woman Number Two: "I think it would go good with a yellow tablecloth."

------------------
Deo Vindice.

[dav-here]

<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>If you have a working TV set that sits on top of a non-working TV set...<LI>If you're wearing a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't strapless...<LI>If you've ever slow-danced at Denny's...<LI>If going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight...<LI>If your patio furniture used to be your indoor furniture...[/list]...you might be a redneck!!

------------------
"He's so smart, he doesn't even remember what he knows." Dave here.

[mindgames]

Hey, three out of five ain't bad! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/teeth1.gif

------------------
Deo Vindice.

[backtotheegg]

HE SAID/SHE SAID

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.


http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh5.gif


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied,"Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

The girl, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied,
"So what do you want from me, sympathy?".

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason

Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I
don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers on board, but
only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, "I am the
President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being
leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower." So he takes the first
parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA
basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me so I can't afford to die."
So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
President of the United States, I am New York's Senator, and I am the
smartest woman in the world". So she takes the third parachute and exits the
plane.

The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 12-year-old
Boy Scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left so as a
Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have
the last parachute."

The Boy Scout said, "It's okay, there's a parachute left for you. The
world's smartest woman took my backpack."


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious
to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what
is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making
love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom
and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said
his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it
soon enough."

The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be true,
but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20
change!"



------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[Clark Kent]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decided were asked to investigate these murders that had been happening in a forest. One night they pitched their tent in the forest and went inside and went to bed. A few hours later, Holmes nudged Watson out of his sleep and asked him to look up:

Holmes: What do you see?

Watson: I see thousands of stars. Do you know that they're all light years in the past?

Holmes: No look closer what do you see?

Watson: I told you, I see thousands of stars and that's light years in the past. Why what do you see?

Holmes: Someone's nicked our tent.

------------------

[Clark Kent]

Another story joke for you all:

The Pope was getting chauffeur driven round New York and he said to his chauffeur:

Pope: This driving thing looks interesting, I want to have a go.

Chauffeur: OK. Can I get in the back?

Pope: Yes sure you can

(The Pope and the Chauffeur swap places and the Pope starts speeding round town. The police appear and pull him over, a cop winds down the window. He's shocked.)

Cop: I can't believe it, I can't believe it. (Traffic cop goes on the radio to HQ)

Cop(to HQ): I've just pulled over someone really really important and I don't know what to do.

HQ: Really important? Who is is then?

Cop: I don't know who it is, but the Pope's his chauffeur.

------------------

[dav-here]

<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>When you take your dog for a walk, if you both use the same tree...<LI>If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...<LI>If you've ever done the old "pull my finger" routine at a Thanksgiving dinner table...<LI>If you've ever brought a beer to a job interview...[/list]...you might be a redneck.

------------------
"He's so smart, he doesn't even remember what he knows." Dave here.

[SleepyHead]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich following close
behind him and as he sits down, the bartender comes over, and asks for their
order. The man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich and says,
"What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich. The
bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please." The man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for the payment of the two
beers.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the
man says,
"I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "How nice! I'll have the
very same thing." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays
with the exact change.
This becomes a routine, the man always ordering ... and the ostrich
always agreeing and ordering exactly the same drink, until late one
evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich happily. "That will be $7.20" says the
bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse
me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the EXACT change out
of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning an old
attic and found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything at all, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of
money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish
for a million dollars or something like that, but you'll always be as rich
as you need to be for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir ... what's with the
ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a really agreeable chick
with long legs."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one
question final exam after an entire semester
dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go
when the professor picked up his chair, plopped
it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using
everything we have learned this semester,
prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were
filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote
over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute
the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up
and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the
rest of the group wondered how he could have
gotten an A when he had barely written anything
at all.

They found his answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven
years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000
students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular
calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of
those guys who would stand at the front of the class
and yell out how much time was remaining before the
end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy
gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody
cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time
they had left before their failure on the test was complete,
he had the students stack the completed tests on the
huge podium at the front of the room. This made for
quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in
the class.

Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the
test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only
problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed,
and this guy standing in the front of the room barking out
how much time was left before the tests had to be handed
in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure
himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the
professor said "pencils down and submit your scantier
sheets and work to piles at the front of the room."

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty ...
almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend
finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed
to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time,
the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting
for the student to complete his exam."What do you think
you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in
front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly
stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to
stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear
that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard
time. "Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor
gloated, "Your exam is an hour late.You've FAILED it and,
consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my
course."

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor, "Do you
know who I am?"

"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the
student showed no sign of emotion. The student rephrased
the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"

"NO!" snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said
slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks
half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack,
let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around,
and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Giggles and Groans

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism, it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke
it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll
show you A flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Giggles and Groans (part 2)

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it
taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was
never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center,
you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in
Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of
gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-
know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.

31. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine
and made a spectacle of himself.

32. Hear about the man who ran into a screen
door and strained himself.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Her Driving Directions

80....(SF)....just after the weight station near cordelia
i think) will be an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa....take
it.....follow it all the way thru.....till you end up in
fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint i think it
is....I don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into
a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go thru the signal...go over the
bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal....make a
left to go to death valley....you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then
you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red
light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go
straight or veer right.....VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till
you see a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal
thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go
straight or turn right on Lincoln ...well...turn right....follow
that to the end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old
bluewood hwy....turn right on old bluewood.....follow it
down...past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right)...


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

His Driving Directions

80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Things A Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so
far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too,"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house
look more cheery."

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for
another week."

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll
be glad to feed and walk him every day."

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's
good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for.
It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your
sleeve."

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill
is bound to improve."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Quotes From The Perfect Man

There ought to be a law against those porno
movies. Can you believe that there are guys
that would actually want their wives to do
those things they show?

My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't
you use the money my parents gave us to get
something nice for the house?

Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for
men who have never really grown up.

You know, we really don't visit your relatives
enough.

Why don't you relax this weekend? I'll take
care of the cooking and housework.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Quotes From The Perfect Woman

I'm sorry for leaving the toilet seat down,
dear.

I don't see what the big deal about those
Chippendale dancers is. I prefer a man
with some meat on his bones.

I was wrong...you were right. I'm sorry
I argued.

Forget Ally McBeal, let's watch Monday
Night Football & have a belching contest.

Just wear whatever you want to my parents'.
You always look just fine!



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[dav-here]

This courtesy of my friend Holly from New Jersey. Thanks, Holly, and "Hubba hubba!!" http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/wink3.gif

Only someone living in Nevada could truly appreciate this...

Four guys are driving cross-country together--one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Nevada, and the last one from California. A bit down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from California turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned potatoes in Idaho, they're laying all around on the ground--I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The guy from Nevada asks, "What are you doing that for?"
The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these damn things in Nebraska--I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Nevada opens the car door and pushes the Californian out. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

------------------
"He's so smart, he doesn't even remember what he knows." Dave here.

[bearkat77]

Sign Of The Times

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked 'Men'. Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Chair

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

They found his answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Here are a few tips for you on things to NOT say when you are fighting with your wife.

Never say:

1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

2. "Come on. I double dare you to cut it off!"

3. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."

4. "Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it?

5. "Are you gonna cry? (force lip to quiver mockingly)

6. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?'

7. "Whoa, time out honey. The Sopranos is on."

8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."

9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

10. "You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread."

11. "No really...I was laughing about this joke I heard at the office."

12. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

LAZY LANDLORDS

These are actual requests written to landlords......
some may sound risqué but they are NOT!!

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory vent is blocked, this is caused by the boys
next door throwing their balls on the roof.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away
from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done
as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

MENU MADNESS

These are taken from menus around the world......either
a misprint or bad translations!!

China.........Cold shredded children and sea blubber in
spicy sauce.

Cairo.........Muscles Of Marines

Cairo..........French fried ships

France........Sole Bonne Femme

Europe........Sweat from the trolley (just lost my appetite!!)

China...........Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream

Hong Kong......Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse

Vietnam.........Pork with fresh garbage

Bali.........Toes with butter and jam (Always wondered where
toe jam came from!!)

Japan.........Buttered saucepans and fried hormones


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

BUMPER "SNICKERS"

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.

Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.

Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air!


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

JOB HUNTING, ANYONE?

These are from actual resumes and applications...

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require
prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
let them know of my immediate availability."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."

"Marital Status: Often.
Children: Various."

*****

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies,
as well as cockroaches."

"Please call me after 5:30 PM because I am self-employed
and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

*****

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)