A Few Clean Laughs Part VI

[SleepyHead]

Signs your cat is getting old...

Goes from 22 hours of happy-go-lucky, kittenish sleep per
day to 21 hours of restless, fitful sleep per day.

Tries to cash in her 8th life insurance policy for a kilo of catnip.

Last year: Went a-courtin' carrying a "pencil full o' lead."
This year: Goes a-courtin' carrying a 9 Lives tuna casserole.

Complains non-stop about the "bankrupt moral values of kittens
these days."

Trades in his Whiskas for prune-flavored Whippasnappas.

Instead of shredding your drapes, she sub-contracts the job.

Stops leaving dead mice on doormats; starts leaving bingo cards.

Spends all day on the front porch, yelling at the squirrels to
get the heck out of his yard
.
Occasionally forgets to ignore you.

Has to drink a whole bottle of Rogaine just to cough up one
hairball.

While his younger friends are out chasing mice, he claims a
moral victory in catching the elusive dust bunny.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Sign you need a new doctor...

Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.

He has an assistant named Igor.

The local bar association named him "client of the year."

Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his
waiting room.

He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.

All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself
Series".

He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.

During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone
connected to the knee bone" song.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as
stray eyebrows." -Janette Barber-


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Whoever thought up the word "mammogram"? Every time
I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope
and send it to someone." -Jan King-


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and
being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I
originally got pierced ears." -Geri Jewell-


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint." -Erma Bombeck-

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country." -Liz Winstead-


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets
at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have
a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon,
and a cat that comes home late every night." -Marie Corelli-


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance,
waiting to get into the bathroom."-- Bob Hope--


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Spouse [noun]; A person who will stand by you through
all of the trouble that you wouldn't have had if you had
stayed single.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always
say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say,
"No, it's for company!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The "Perfect Man" is Mr. Potato Head... He's tan. He's cute.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Today in the stockmarket...

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
And last but not least....Coca Cola fizzled.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

BEDTIME PRAYER FOR MOM AND DAD

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back--not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(Did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
I pray I need not cook or clean,
(Well heck, I've got the right to dream!)

Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep.
But as I look around I know
I must have lost them long ago!


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Why it's nice to be a dog...

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner,
or anything else for that matter.

When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day
and never worry about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch
it in public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a
stranger's lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A sign on the elevator door in the building where I work
stated, "This elevator is out of whack." Later someone
had penciled in, "More whack is on order."


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.
"You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family
is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people
prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact,
I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just
a squeeze of lemon?"


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the
wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation. "I don't have one,"
she said. "Well, then, are you a friend of the groom?" He asked.
"I should say not," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILDHOOD MAY BE OVER

*Just one peanut butter and jelly
sandwich doesn't do it anymore.

*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

*Being bad is not longer cool.

*You have friends who have kids of their own.

*Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

*You are taller than the slide
at the McDonald's playland.

*Your parents' jokes are now funny.

*You own a copy of Michael Jackson's
"Thriller" album that you bought new
when it first came out.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

SPECIAL CASH REGISTER
Christine Karge Dewey
Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States"

Our local supermarket had just been equipped with
a "talking" cash register. I listened, amused, as
a mechanical voice announced each item and its
price when the clerk passed it over the scanner.

After everything had been checked through, the
relentless machine told me the total and, after
I paid, the change due.

The cashier, who had not yet spoken during the
transaction, got my change and closed the drawer
of the finally silent cash register. Looking at
me, she said smugly, "I still get to say,
'Thank You!"


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

FAILING MATH

A little boy returned home from school and
told his father that he had failed the math
test. "Why did you fail?" his father asked.

"The teacher asked me how much is 3 x 2,
and I told her it is 6," the boy replied.

"Well, that is the right answer!" the father
said.

The little boy replied, "Then the teacher
asked me, 'How much is 2 x 3?' "

"What the heck and tarnation is the difference?"
asked the father.

"That's exactly what I said to my teacher,"
the boy replied. "That's why I failed the
math test!"


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

WHEN THE WIND QUITS...

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas
Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds.
At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What
do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"

The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat when
she answered, "We take the rocks out of our
pockets."


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

New York Driving Rules

Turn signals will give away your next move.
A real Long Island driver never uses them.
Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a
safe distance between you and the car in front
of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody
else putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-
change is considered "going with the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the
smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs
extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible
to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice,
relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a
chance to stretch your legs.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

New York Driving Rules
Part II

Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to
provide useful information. They are only there to
make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract
you from seeing the state police radar car parked
on the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the
right.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as
suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable
during rush hour.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you
see an accident, or even if someone is just
changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the
landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews
something to clean up.

It is assumed that state police cars passing at
high speed may be followed in the event you need
to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or
the beach.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to
change any of the previously listed rules. These
weather conditions are Lord's way of ensuring a
natural selection process for body shops, junkyard,
and new vehicle sales.



------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm
and was soon swaying and bumping around
the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be
sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.

"Can't you do something?" she demanded
angrily.

"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently,
"I'm in sales, not management."


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

How To Shower Like A Woman
Part I

1. Take off clothing and place in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing
gown. If you see husband along the way,
cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in mirror
and stick out gut so you can complain and
whine even more about getting fat.

4. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth,
legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.

5. Wash hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition hair with Cucumber & Lamfrey
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Giner Nut and
Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least
fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all
come off)


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

How To Shower Like A Woman
Part II

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini
area, but decide to get it waxed instead. (Ouch!)

12. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and
you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of
a small African country.

16. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.

17. Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit.
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing
gown and towel on head.

19. If you see husband along the way, cover up
exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend
an hour and a half getting dressed.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Who Is Trustworthy?

A defense attorney was cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial. It went like
this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the
scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender running
several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of
this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow
officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this, then,
officer -- do you have a locker room in the police
station -- a room where you change your clothes
in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR
FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that
you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with those officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with a court
complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have
been known to walk through that room.


------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Tooth Fairy

My ten-year-old son informed us that part
of his tooth had come out. We checked and,
sure enough, a piece had broken off.

Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my
husband, "What do you suppose the tooth
fairy gives for half a tooth?"

"Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth,
the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion
for hunting and fishing, my family eats a
considerable amount of wild game. So much,
in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of
broiled venison steaks on the dinner table,
my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,
"Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in
the woods."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

When my daughter was three, we watched
Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the
first time. The wicked queen appeared,
disguised as an old lady selling apples, and
my daughter was spellbound.

Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned
apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As
the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up.
"See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Being Late

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee
break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife
was asleep when I got home, so I was able
to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy,
you're lucky. My wife was wide awake,
waiting for me in bed, and she started
swearing at me and giving me heck for
being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you
do?"

The second deaf man signed, "I turned out
the light!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he
finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his
guts then waited for the profound wisdom of
the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions,
took some notes then sat thinking in silence for
a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of
delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is
low self-esteem. It is very common among
losers."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs.
Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give
up her apartment in New York and move to
Miami. She was given the name of a Florida
realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all
over Miami, extolling the virtues of every
apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized,
"the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten
years it's going to be worth three times..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my
age, I don't even buy green bananas!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A senior woman is on a cruise ship and
wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch
with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
"I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday
and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday,
I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to
her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink,
too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender,
I want a scotch with two drops of water.
"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you one, too."

The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I
would like another scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives
her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my
age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water,
however, is a whole other issue."



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Don't Make Nurse Mad...

A big shot business man had to spend a couple
of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to
the nurses because he bossed them around
just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him. The head nurse was
the only one who could stand up to him. She
came into his room and announced,

"I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally
settled down, crossed his arms and opened
his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining,
but eventually he rolled over and bared his
rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer,
he heard her announce, "I have to get something.
Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her
way out. He curses under his breath as he
hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes
into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter,
Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having
their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no.
I guess I haven't. Not with a daffodil, anyway."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The driver screamed, lost control of the car,
nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk,
and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever
do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't
realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's
not really your fault. Today is my first day as
a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained
to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I
asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way
back from lunch, and I'm not sure he'll even remember
to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George.

"You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted.
"While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who
hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well,
we got to talking and he gave me this half-million
dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary.
"I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

You know it's time to diet when...

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk
carton for your picture.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor
gives you 22 more years to live. (I LIKE that one!!)


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I think this no-fly zone they have is a good idea.
They also need a no-mosquito zone.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Hear about the new invention? It is a beeper that also
peels veggies...they call it......Beeper Pared.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they
won't come to yours.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss
always finds me and brings me back.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a
million typewriters will eventually produce a masterpiece.
Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose fitting clothing.
If I *had* any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

And just how hot is it, you ask...

Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is
hotter than the air inside.

Airplanes can't land because the asphalt is too soft.

The ducks in the park come in "original recipe" and
"extra crispy."

The tomatoes are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.

The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to
fan themselves.

Your brother's braces make blisters on his lips.

You've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A FLEA POWDER

Times are tough and life's been hard
Since I came North on a St. Bernard.
This Northern winter freezes fleas.
I dream of life back on the Keys.

The Northern fleas said, "You'll adapt.
Get flea ear muffs and a stocking cap."
I did, but came to realize:
Flea boots are not made in my size.

It's bad in snow and frost and sleet,
A flea can't flit with freezing feet.
My mind, once just upon the paw,
Now craves an early warming thaw.

This wind chill factor's not for fleas,
I'm numb from drinking anti-freeze.
My nose is red, my knees are blue.
A Southern flea with Asian Flu.

Bad things, as good, come to an end.
Now I'm a happy flea, my friend.
So heat my grits and shut my mouth.
I'm on a Schnauzer heading South.

By Grandpa Tucker


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Sometimes the last words you hear may be the last
ones you don't WANT to hear...

You'll be perfectly safe behind this lead plate.

It's so tame you can put your head in its mouth.

It was fresh just last week.

It's pretty much grounded.

That should be at least enough gas to make it across Nevada.

It doesn't look like the bridge is out.

They only attack when they're hungry.

What can possibly go wrong?

Don't be silly... polar bears can't get into igloos.

Of course nuns can fly!


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive
locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave
her name on it?" the jeweler asked.
The customer thought for a moment, and then said,
"No, just engrave - To My
One And Only Love - that way, if we ever break up,
I can use it again."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Church finances were a little tight, so the pastor took
extra time this particular Sunday to emphasize the
importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings.
He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically
by saying "God loves a cheerful giver."
As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew,
quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the
offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked
him what in the world he thought he was doing.
The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the
offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting
in a bar having a drink (or two or three) , doing what most
old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and
their wives.

They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their
comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.

And it always ended in a contest over who had the
worst wife.

Today though something was different. There was a wise
looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided
to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always
arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said
the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so
loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife
was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth
she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we
haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's
wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."

When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch
her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite
your head off."

Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names.
Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool,
but.... Who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.

The chief replied something along the lines of
"Whumpo Havo Noja"

Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief
explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in
English to 'Three-Old-Horses.'"

More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but
what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?"

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said ,
"Nag, Nag, Nag."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

MUSICAL REMINDER

It seems that every time our piano tuner, John,
comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting
too long between tunings. I agree with him that
it should be done every six months, but I don't
really think about it until the piano sounds
off-key.

The last time he came over, I was on the
defensive. "If you would send out a postcard
reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I
would make sure to call you for an appointment
in a timely fashion."

Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on,
when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

DAFFY DEFINITIONS

Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone
serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid,
such as your septic tank.

Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.

Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans, and tofu.

Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper;

Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.

Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Actual letters written to welfare officers...

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby
was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has
been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell
me why?

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to
twins in the enclosed envelope.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded
my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week
before he was born.

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Steven Wrightisms are becoming very popular. He is very witty
and gets right to the point!!

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
have the pen!

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the
money go?

Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to
'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny."

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all
the money go?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you
wave a fan club?

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't
know what to feed it.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Here are some things for that educational time of the school
day....Show and Tell.......hillbilly style.

A cowpie clock made in Sunday school last year.

A tractor tire that killed your cousin.

Your lucky rabbit's foot, that your cousin had with him
when he got ran over by that tractor.

A possum skull from last nights dinner.

Grandma's pantaloons, the ones you use as a swing.

Roadkill. That way you only have to carry one bag
(lunch and show and tell).

Your favorite entertainment system: your family's bug zapper!

Your cow chip collection, paying special attention to the ones
that look like former presidents!


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye
dog.They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring
the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, proceeds
to lead the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic.This,
of course, is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring
as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk
on the other side of the street.
The man then pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he
offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control
his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you
rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A soldier went up to the Company cook and said,
"If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and
dirt in the food."
The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your
own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"
"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend
it, not to eat it."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Company Slogans

A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?"

"United." Joe answered.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mum."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean,
looking for something to do. They came up underneath a
ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster,
swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything
on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on
board.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over
those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't stop myself once
I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."


------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to
Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead.
His body was shipped back home, where
the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Melling's brother came in to make sure
everything was taken care of. "Would you
like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the
others get here." The undertaker led him into
the next room and opened the top half of the
casket. He stood back and proudly displayed
his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two
weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

When Mr Midas was dying, he devised a plan to
take some of his fortune with him. He called the
three people he trusted the most - his priest, his
doctor, and his personal attorney. He gave them
each an envelope with $1 million in cash, and
asked them to place the money in his coffin so
that he could take it with him. All three agreed to
do so.

At the funeral, each in turn approached the coffin,
and placed their envelope inside. On leaving the
cemetery, the priest told the others, "I must confess
to you both that I only placed $700,000 in the coffin.
My church is in desperate need of repairs, so I took
the rest of the money to accomplish this worthy
project."

The doctor then said, "I must also confess; I took
$500,000 to purchase new medical equipment,
which my hospital badly needs to save people's
lives. I am sure that Mr. Midas would have
approved, if he had really thought about it".

The attorney looked at them both sternly, and said,
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves. I
followed Mr Midas' instructions to the letter. When
I put the envelope into the coffin, it contained my
personal check for the full $1 million!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

New Pledge Options

This is going the rounds at the Graduate Theological
Union in Berkeley.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE
REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION,
(SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE),
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

San Francisco (SatireWire.com) - A U.S. federal appeals
court ruled recently that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance
in public school is unconstitutional because it contains
the phrase 'under G~d', a decision that has infuriated
politicians from both parties, and sent the United States
on a desperate search for a new sponsor.

While the U.S. Justice Department said it plans to appeal
the ruling, officials are quietly speaking with several
potential sponsors interested in having their brands
associated with America, and are already test- marketing
the phrases One nation, under Wal-Mart, One nation,
under Windows XP, and One nation, but 24,000 Starbucks.

Until an agreement is reached, however, the U.S. will
advertise by replacing the phrase One nation, under G~d,
with One nation (sponsorship opportunities available).

While the words 'under G~d' were only added to the
Pledge by Congress in 1954, God has been the title
patron of the United States since its founding in 1776,
and the G~d name adorns everything from U.S. currency
to the phrase So help me G~d used to swear in judges
and politicians. According to analysts, severing that 226-
year relationship without an alternative is a mistake.

Over the years, the U.S. under G~d has been a great
draw for the major players - Einstein, Solzhenitsyn,
John Lennon, said government marketing analyst Gil
Treacle. Without G~d s brand recognition and infinite
marketing powers, you risk losing the marquis names
to competitors. Then the networks don't renew, the
money dries up, the fans revolt, and the next thing you
know, you're Argentina.

But others defended the decision, saying it was wrong
to force religion on anyone. The phrase under G~d
clearly violates the separation of church and state,
said McDonald's CEO Jack Greenberg.

However, there is nothing in the Constitution that
separates chicken and state, which is why we're
proposing, One nation, six chicken McNuggets and
a medium Coke, all for $1.99. Europeans, meanwhile,
seemed to be confused by the uproar. I don't understand.
I always thought it was One nation, we are G~d, said
British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Oh my, I ve been
worshipping them for nothing.

Back in America, many questioned whether the
United States really needs a patron, and instead
suggested the Pledge should include verbiage that
simply reflects America. So far, the leading contenders:

One nation, under indictment,
One nation, road under repair,
One nation, sure, but with cheerleaders!
One nation, under yellow alert, please report any
suspicious activity,
One nation, but kinda two if you count Canada.



------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[backtotheegg]

I don't know many clean jokes, but here it goes........

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after awhile they got to know
each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of
course,
the bride broom, the other the groom broom.



The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The
groom
broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.



The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding
dinner, the

bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am
going to
have a little whisk broom!!!"



"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this!!?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt....

Really bad...

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!"


















------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

Benny was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm
tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep,
and
after a whole day his legs became sun burnt beyond belief. He could
hardly
stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looked at Benny's lobster colored legs and shook his head.
"You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility,"
he
explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try
taking
one of these just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him some tablets
of
Viagra.

Puzzled, Benny asked, "Doc, I've got a wicked sunburn! What's a Viagra
tablet going to do?" "Unfortunately, not a thing for the sunburn," the
doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."

------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"

"And the rest of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be
after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the
conversation proceeded:

Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father
O'Malley
replied:

Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next
of
kin!"



------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.

The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay. But don't start nuttin!"




------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says,"Gimme' a beer and a mop!"


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Darn," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[mindgames]

Hill woman Number One: "What do you think of Red China?"
Hill woman Number Two: "I think it would go good with a yellow tablecloth."

------------------
Deo Vindice.

[dav-here]

<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>If you have a working TV set that sits on top of a non-working TV set...<LI>If you're wearing a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't strapless...<LI>If you've ever slow-danced at Denny's...<LI>If going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight...<LI>If your patio furniture used to be your indoor furniture...[/list]...you might be a redneck!!

------------------
"He's so smart, he doesn't even remember what he knows." Dave here.

[mindgames]

Hey, three out of five ain't bad! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/teeth1.gif

------------------
Deo Vindice.

[backtotheegg]

HE SAID/SHE SAID

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.


http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh5.gif


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied,"Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

The girl, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied,
"So what do you want from me, sympathy?".

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason

Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I
don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers on board, but
only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, "I am the
President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being
leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower." So he takes the first
parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA
basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me so I can't afford to die."
So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former
President of the United States, I am New York's Senator, and I am the
smartest woman in the world". So she takes the third parachute and exits the
plane.

The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 12-year-old
Boy Scout, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left so as a
Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have
the last parachute."

The Boy Scout said, "It's okay, there's a parachute left for you. The
world's smartest woman took my backpack."


------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[backtotheegg]

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious
to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what
is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making
love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom
and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said
his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it
soon enough."

The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be true,
but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20
change!"



------------------
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

[Clark Kent]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decided were asked to investigate these murders that had been happening in a forest. One night they pitched their tent in the forest and went inside and went to bed. A few hours later, Holmes nudged Watson out of his sleep and asked him to look up:

Holmes: What do you see?

Watson: I see thousands of stars. Do you know that they're all light years in the past?

Holmes: No look closer what do you see?

Watson: I told you, I see thousands of stars and that's light years in the past. Why what do you see?

Holmes: Someone's nicked our tent.

------------------

[Clark Kent]

Another story joke for you all:

The Pope was getting chauffeur driven round New York and he said to his chauffeur:

Pope: This driving thing looks interesting, I want to have a go.

Chauffeur: OK. Can I get in the back?

Pope: Yes sure you can

(The Pope and the Chauffeur swap places and the Pope starts speeding round town. The police appear and pull him over, a cop winds down the window. He's shocked.)

Cop: I can't believe it, I can't believe it. (Traffic cop goes on the radio to HQ)

Cop(to HQ): I've just pulled over someone really really important and I don't know what to do.

HQ: Really important? Who is is then?

Cop: I don't know who it is, but the Pope's his chauffeur.

------------------

[dav-here]

<UL TYPE=SQUARE><LI>When you take your dog for a walk, if you both use the same tree...<LI>If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...<LI>If you've ever done the old "pull my finger" routine at a Thanksgiving dinner table...<LI>If you've ever brought a beer to a job interview...[/list]...you might be a redneck.

------------------
"He's so smart, he doesn't even remember what he knows." Dave here.

[SleepyHead]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich following close
behind him and as he sits down, the bartender comes over, and asks for their
order. The man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich and says,
"What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich. The
bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please." The man reaches
into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for the payment of the two
beers.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the
man says,
"I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "How nice! I'll have the
very same thing." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays
with the exact change.
This becomes a routine, the man always ordering ... and the ostrich
always agreeing and ordering exactly the same drink, until late one
evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich happily. "That will be $7.20" says the
bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse
me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the EXACT change out
of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning an old
attic and found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything at all, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of
money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish
for a million dollars or something like that, but you'll always be as rich
as you need to be for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir ... what's with the
ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a really agreeable chick
with long legs."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one
question final exam after an entire semester
dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go
when the professor picked up his chair, plopped
it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using
everything we have learned this semester,
prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were
filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote
over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute
the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up
and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the
rest of the group wondered how he could have
gotten an A when he had barely written anything
at all.

They found his answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven
years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000
students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular
calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of
those guys who would stand at the front of the class
and yell out how much time was remaining before the
end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy
gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody
cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time
they had left before their failure on the test was complete,
he had the students stack the completed tests on the
huge podium at the front of the room. This made for
quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in
the class.

Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the
test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only
problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed,
and this guy standing in the front of the room barking out
how much time was left before the tests had to be handed
in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure
himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the
professor said "pencils down and submit your scantier
sheets and work to piles at the front of the room."

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty ...
almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend
finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed
to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time,
the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting
for the student to complete his exam."What do you think
you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in
front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly
stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to
stack the mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear
that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard
time. "Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor
gloated, "Your exam is an hour late.You've FAILED it and,
consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my
course."

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor, "Do you
know who I am?"

"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the
student showed no sign of emotion. The student rephrased
the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"

"NO!" snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said
slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks
half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack,
let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around,
and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Giggles and Groans

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism, it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke
it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll
show you A flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Giggles and Groans (part 2)

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it
taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was
never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center,
you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in
Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of
gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-
know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.

31. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine
and made a spectacle of himself.

32. Hear about the man who ran into a screen
door and strained himself.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Her Driving Directions

80....(SF)....just after the weight station near cordelia
i think) will be an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa....take
it.....follow it all the way thru.....till you end up in
fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint i think it
is....I don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into
a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go thru the signal...go over the
bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal....make a
left to go to death valley....you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then
you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red
light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go
straight or veer right.....VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till
you see a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal
thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go
straight or turn right on Lincoln ...well...turn right....follow
that to the end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old
bluewood hwy....turn right on old bluewood.....follow it
down...past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right)...


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

His Driving Directions

80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Things A Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so
far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too,"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house
look more cheery."

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for
another week."

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll
be glad to feed and walk him every day."

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's
good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for.
It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your
sleeve."

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill
is bound to improve."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Quotes From The Perfect Man

There ought to be a law against those porno
movies. Can you believe that there are guys
that would actually want their wives to do
those things they show?

My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't
you use the money my parents gave us to get
something nice for the house?

Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for
men who have never really grown up.

You know, we really don't visit your relatives
enough.

Why don't you relax this weekend? I'll take
care of the cooking and housework.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Quotes From The Perfect Woman

I'm sorry for leaving the toilet seat down,
dear.

I don't see what the big deal about those
Chippendale dancers is. I prefer a man
with some meat on his bones.

I was wrong...you were right. I'm sorry
I argued.

Forget Ally McBeal, let's watch Monday
Night Football & have a belching contest.

Just wear whatever you want to my parents'.
You always look just fine!



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[dav-here]

This courtesy of my friend Holly from New Jersey. Thanks, Holly, and "Hubba hubba!!" http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/wink3.gif

Only someone living in Nevada could truly appreciate this...

Four guys are driving cross-country together--one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Nevada, and the last one from California. A bit down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from California turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned potatoes in Idaho, they're laying all around on the ground--I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The guy from Nevada asks, "What are you doing that for?"
The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these damn things in Nebraska--I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Nevada opens the car door and pushes the Californian out. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

------------------
"He's so smart, he doesn't even remember what he knows." Dave here.

[bearkat77]

Sign Of The Times

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked 'Men'. Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Chair

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.

One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

They found his answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Here are a few tips for you on things to NOT say when you are fighting with your wife.

Never say:

1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

2. "Come on. I double dare you to cut it off!"

3. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."

4. "Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it?

5. "Are you gonna cry? (force lip to quiver mockingly)

6. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?'

7. "Whoa, time out honey. The Sopranos is on."

8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning."

9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

10. "You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread."

11. "No really...I was laughing about this joke I heard at the office."

12. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

LAZY LANDLORDS

These are actual requests written to landlords......
some may sound risqué but they are NOT!!

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory vent is blocked, this is caused by the boys
next door throwing their balls on the roof.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away
from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done
as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

MENU MADNESS

These are taken from menus around the world......either
a misprint or bad translations!!

China.........Cold shredded children and sea blubber in
spicy sauce.

Cairo.........Muscles Of Marines

Cairo..........French fried ships

France........Sole Bonne Femme

Europe........Sweat from the trolley (just lost my appetite!!)

China...........Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream

Hong Kong......Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse

Vietnam.........Pork with fresh garbage

Bali.........Toes with butter and jam (Always wondered where
toe jam came from!!)

Japan.........Buttered saucepans and fried hormones


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

BUMPER "SNICKERS"

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.

Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.

Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air!


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

JOB HUNTING, ANYONE?

These are from actual resumes and applications...

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require
prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
let them know of my immediate availability."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."

"Marital Status: Often.
Children: Various."

*****

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies,
as well as cockroaches."

"Please call me after 5:30 PM because I am self-employed
and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

*****

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town,
which he planned to visit on his vacation.

To whom it may concern:

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me to your
hotel. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would
you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room
with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote,

"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time,
I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or
pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle
of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had
a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome
at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome
to stay here, too!"

Author unknown


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An old man and his wife are asleep in their beds late one
night, when the woman hears a noise.
"Wake up!" she cries, nudging her husband. "There are
burglars in the kitchen and I think they're eating the pot
roast I made tonight!"
"What do we care," said the husband, "As long as they
don't die in the house!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I work in a department store where every night at closing
time one of our sales people reminds shoppers over the
public address system to finish their shopping.
One evening, a woman who had recently worked at Kmart
opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers..."
Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of
trouble by adding, "...you are in the wrong store."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both
are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points
at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop,
20 feet back."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial
school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones
were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad
of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his
clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

The boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked,
"Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to the child,
the collar tab looked like a band-aid.

So the priest took the collar tab out and handed it to the
boy to show him. On the back of the tab were letters giving
the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters,
and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes, I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.
Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas
up to six months!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

DAFFY DEFINITIONS

Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone
serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid,
such as your septic tank.

Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.

Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans, and tofu.

Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper.

Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.

Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Presidents go down in history -- some farther down than others.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Customer: This coffee tastes like mud!
Waitress: Well, it was ground this morning.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women
would be pregnant.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

HILARIOUS HEADLINES

Reading the newspapers these days is quite
an education....maybe not a good one, but an
education nonetheless...

"Marijuana Issue Sent To Joint Committee"
Headline from the Toronto Star - [Canada]

"Wives Kill Most Spouses In Chicago"
Headline From the Florida Times Union - [U.S.]

"Death Row Inmate Seeks Divorce"
Headline from the Associated Press - [U.S.]


"Seek Help, Confide In Spouse Before Embarking On Affair"
Headline from the El Paso Times - [Texas]


"Chicago Checking On Elderly In Heat"
Headline from the Boston Globe - [U.S.]


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

QUIRKY QUOTES

"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
-- George Carlin
~~~~~~~
Orville Wright said to his brother, Wilbur, 'You were only in the air
for twelve seconds. How could your luggage be in Cleveland?'
-- Red Buttons
~~~~~~~
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be
thinking up something else."
-- Lily Tomlin

~~~~~~~
"My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated.
Now he's suing them for wasting seven years of his life."
-- Mike Binder
~~~~~~~
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you
do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Jill calls her friend Linda, Linda picks up the phone.
Jill says "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?"
Linda asks "Why?"
Jill replies, "I need to study cosmetics"
Linda asks "Why?"
Jill replies "Well, my English teacher says I have a
make-up exam on Monday."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A friend and his wife went to the local restaurant of
a national pizza chain. As they were waiting for their
order, they noticed some movement at another table,
but there were no people there. As they took a closer
look, they saw that there were MICE on the table eating
the uncleared leftovers from the group that had been
sitting there.
My friend called the manager over and told him "Look!
There are mice on that table!"
To which the manager said, "Oh? That's odd, they're
usually in the back!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes
towards leftovers. "It's rough," one said.
"My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns."
"You think you have it bad," the second wife piped up.
"Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects."
"That's nothing compared to me," said the third woman.
"My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law
passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming
or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A rich man was trying to find a good birthday gift for his
daughter when he saw a poor man leading a beautiful
white horse. He told the man he would give him $500
for the horse.

The man replied, "I don't know, mister, it don't look so
good," and he walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the
man $1000 for the horse.

The man replied, "I don't know, mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day, the rich man came and offered $2,000
for the horse and said he wouldn't take no for an answer
this time.

The poor man agreed to the sale and the rich man took
the horse.

The rich man's daughter loved her birthday present.

She climbed onto the horse's back, urged the horse
to go and the horse galloped right into a tree.

The rich man hurried to the poor man's house and
demanded an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man said, "I told you it don't look so good."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Survival Training

A Scoutmaster was teaching his Boy Scouts
about survival in the Alaskan wilderness.
"What are the three most important things
you should bring with you in case you get
lost alone in the woods?" the Scoutmaster
asked.

Several hands went up, and many important
things were mentioned, such as water,
matches, etc.

Then one little Boy Scout in the back
eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy,
what are the three most important
things you would bring?" asked the
Scoutmaster.

"A compass, food and a deck of cards,"
Timmy replied.

"Why's that, Timmy?" the Scoutmaster
inquired.

"The compass is to find the right
direction," Timmy said. "And the
food is maintain you during the
rescue."

"And what about the playing cards,
Timmy?" asked the Scoutmaster
impatiently.

"Well, sir," Timmy replied, "As soon
as you start playing solitaire, someone
always walks up behind you and says,
'Put that red nine on top of that
black ten!' "


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The fourth-grade class was studying the
development of the auto industry. The
teacher had emphasized the role played
by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines
decreased production costs.

At the end of the unit, she gave a test
including the question: "What did Henry
Ford invent that made buying a car more
affordable?"

One of the brightest students in the class
wrote: "0% financing."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolized a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical
Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the
bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic
to nuts and eggs."

The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"

The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

On The Phone

A housewife with three young children was
getting dinner ready when the phone rang.
The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi,
Daddy!" and she began telling him about
her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother
and sister as was the custom whenever
Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she
took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon."

"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the
other end replied. "I just called to tell you
that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Clean Desk

My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so
he sent a memo saying that any paper left
on desks would be removed at night and
we would have to fill-out a form to get it back.

So we left all our garbage paper on our desks
every night.

In a week, the boss had an office full of
garbage and we never heard about the
policy again.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Animal-like

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone
one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's
on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd
like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied.
"Right now I'd say he's sheepish."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Where Grandmother Lives

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman
hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for
the holidays."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want
her we just go out there and get her."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Would You Be Scared?

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history
class to understand how the Indians must have
felt when they first encountered the Spanish
explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone
showed up on your doorstep who looked very
different, spoke a strange language and wore
unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was
my sister's date."



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[Maccachic]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
The "Perfect Man" is Mr. Potato Head... He's tan. He's cute.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.


<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

HA HA HA lol i like that one



------------------
Maccachic
"Tha's an in-joke y'know."
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/letitbethebeatles/
Join my Yahoo group! (I would have put a button down, but I don't know how to translate html into ubb!)

[SleepyHead]

One of my personal faves! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/thumbsup.gif

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[Magill]

One of my blonde friends sent this to me, so I guess it's not too offensive for her to pass it on to me, a brunette.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

At the bottom of an application where it says “sign here,” she wrote
“Sagittarius.”

She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,
“Concentrate.”

She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”

She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

She studied for a blood test.

She thought she needed a token to get on “Soul Train.”

She sold the car for gas money.

When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.

She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front”.

HAPPY FRIDAY!


------------------
Thanks for the lift, sailor!

[SleepyHead]

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By backtotheegg:

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif laugh2;

------------------
chim chimney
chim chimney
chim chim cheeree
a chimney sweeps lucky as lucky can be...

[bearkat77]

Think Like A Lawyer!

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid.

"No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor
instructed.

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with, or without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally..."

X_______________sign here

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The Bird Question

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one
lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right,
the next question is worth one million dollars.
If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000.
Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not
build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who
Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam
here who needs your help to answer the one
million dollar question. The next voice you hear
will be Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not
build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C)
cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the
$500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis:" Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right!
Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION
DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That
night they go out on the town. As they're sipping
champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her,"
Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo
that does not build its own nest?"

"Pam, it was easy," replies her (blonde?) friend.
"Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Cow Pony

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization
of wealthy city women, met and decided
that this month's outing was to be at a dairy
farm. Most of them had lived in the city all
their lives, and had never seen such a thing.

The day came, and the ladies filed into the
rented bus which whisked them off to their
destination. On the way, they watched out
the windows as the city squalor turned into
lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the
farmer who invited them to look him up
should they have any questions. Myrtle,
after looking about, and being amazed by
what she saw, stepped into a building and
viewed something she thought was quite
remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by
and hailed him - he sauntered in.

"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow
have any horns?" The farmer cocked his
head for a moment, then began in a patient
tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful
lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we
keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw.
Other times we can fix up the young 'uns
by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their
horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never
grow horns. But the reason this cow don't
have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Captain

One of the world's most famous merchant
captains died, having long been admired by
his crew and fellow officers. They remained
puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he
performed daily.

While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin
and open a small safe, take out an envelope
with a note inside and read it. After locking the
paper back in the safe, he would return to his
duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became
very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a
letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated
about the contents of the strange envelope.

After laying the captain's body to rest, the first
mate led the entire crew back to the ship and
into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe,
got the envelope and read the words aloud to
an astonished crew:

'Port: Left, Starboard: Right.'


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

25 Things You Should Have Learned
By The Time You Have Reached Middle Age

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will
fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian,
any more than standing in a garage makes you
a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick
the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room
with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion
that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you
probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the
speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your
other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from
earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing
the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going
than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than
you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables
you to recognize a mistake when you make it
again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet,
they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice
contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to
happen.'


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

If you're playing a poker game and you look around
the table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder
these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like
they used to?


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

According to a recent survey, men say the first
thing they notice about women is their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about
men is they're a bunch of liars.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save
you thirty cents?


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

In the 60s people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.

If you remember the 60s, you weren't there.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to realize that it bears
a very close resemblance to the first.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

How is it one careless match can start a forest
fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-
and-a-half for an appointment, and he says,
"I wish you'd come to me sooner."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

You read about all these terrorists, most of them
came here legally, but they hang around on these
expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two
days late with a video and these people are all over
you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Couch Moving

Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment. Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three brothers all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture. The new apartment was on the third floor. We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where they belonged.

Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not go around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out into the hall and turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit.

Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the side of the building. From the third floor, we passed the couch up and over the railing of the tiny balcony and in through the sliding doors into the living room. We all coollapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that we would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apartment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It will be our little secret. He will have to take a saw to it!"

As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better about three months later. It really was a busy weekend at work, and none of us were available to help move. We waited eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing. Finally, after several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you get everything moved OK?"

"Sure," he replied.

"Did you run into any problems?"

"No."

"Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get it out of the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!"

Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said "Geez, you idiots, the legs unscrew!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[backtotheegg]

THE DINER

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit
down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of
headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in
the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your
parts you might as well gas up!"



------------------
Man On Train: I shall call the guard.
Paul: Ah, but what? They don't take kindly to insults you know.

[bearkat77]

Pull Over!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the woman yelled back, "Cardigan!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[Magill]

I thought these were cute. You don't have to be Catholic to laugh, but it helps. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/wink3.gif

Church Bulletins

After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor.

Thursday night: Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.


Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.


There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow.


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

------------------
"So, it was you buzzin'..you NAUGHTY BOY!"

[dav-here]

Thanks, Magill, my fellow Catholic friend!! That was "hella funny"!! Do we have to say any extra "Hail Mary's" for that?? http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

------------------
Jai Guru Dave-ah, ohmmm!!

[Magill]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By dav-here:
Thanks, Magill, my fellow Catholic friend!! That was "hella funny"!! Do we have to say any extra "Hail Mary's" for that?? http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Bless you my son! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/peace.gif



------------------
"So, it was you buzzin'..you NAUGHTY BOY!"

[Magill]

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SAY "HUMMMMMMMM"
(1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

(2) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

(3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

(4) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?

(5) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

(6) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

(7) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

(8) Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?

(9) Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

(10) What do you call male ballerinas?

(11) Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

(12) Why are Trix only for kids?

(13) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

(14) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

(15) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

(16) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

(17) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear
him, is he still wrong?

(18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet

paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

(19) If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

(20) Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

(21) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

(22) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

(23) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

I always wondered about # 13.

------------------
"So, it was you buzzin'..you NAUGHTY BOY!"

[SleepyHead]

Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son,
Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for
dads and told him to pick one.
When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after
another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back
into slots, every which way.
"Tyler, what are you doing?" I asked. "Haven’t you found a
nice card for Daddy yet?"
"No," he replied. "I’m looking for one with money in it."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

At the dinner table one evening our family was discussing
investment possibilities. My wife said she was interested
in buying some Wal-Mart stock. When our third-grader
asked what shares of stock are, we explained that we would
own a part of the Wal-Mart company.
His suggestion: "Be sure to get the toy aisle."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story
of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut
the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four
barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do
this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why
the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great
enthusiasm.
"To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling
her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen
blamed me for the accident. "She even called me every dirty
name in the book!" I said.
Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old
boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.
One said to the other, "There’s a book?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about
the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under
the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus
had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark "What
caused the submarine to sink?"
With a
look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

SASSY SAYINGS

Taken from an internet site where there's a competition for writing
the most romantic first line and most unromantic second line.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty & so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes . ..
Darn, I'm good at telling lies!

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

What is a mosquito's favorite sport? Skin diving.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

If someone has had an accident free driving lifetime, could
they be called a wreckless driver?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Perhaps you know why women over fifty shouldn't have
babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget
where they left them.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Personally, I like two types of men - domestic and foreign.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

DAFFY DEFINITIONS

Liposuction.............. Letting the fat out of the bag.

Locate................... Nickname for a short girl named Catherine.

Tangent.................. A man who spends a lot of time at the beach

Welfare for crocodiles... Gator-Aide

Rubberneck............... What you do for your wife after she has had
a stressful day

Slow Down................ Feathers from the chest of a not-so-fast goose

Versatile................ Poetry on the roof.

Axis..................... What hillbillies use to chop wood

Maritime................. June for many couples

Hunger................... What the posse did to the lady rustler


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An apple sat on a railroad track...
Feeling blue and cross...
Around the bend came number 10...
Toot Toot...
Apple Sauce


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Barber shave
Customer sneeze
Customer dead
Next Please!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Row row row your boat,
Gently down the stream,
Until you hit the water fall
And then you start to scream.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

LOONY LABELS

On a bottle of children's bubble bath......Keep away from children

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner..............For best results, start with

clean bathtub before use. (duh)

On a box of household nails..........CAUTION! Do NOT swallow nails!
May cause irritation!

On a can of powdered infant formula...........Mix with water before
serving.
(Unless the kid has teeth strong enough to chew cement!)

On a plastic orange juice can..........100% pure all-natural
fresh-squeezed
orange juice from concentrate. (Huh??)

Seen on a container of salt.........Warning: High in sodium

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on
our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim,
"Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during
long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car
when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway.
My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive
for a while."
"Tom who?" I asked.
Mom looked at me solemnly, "Tom Cruise, of course."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

My parents have a friend named Tex. One day I asked
him what part of Texas he was from.
"I’m not from Texas," he replied.
"But you have a Southern drawl," I insisted.
"Yeah, I do," he admitted. "I’m actually from Louisiana.
But nobody better call me Louise!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I often misplace my keys, so I put them on a long rawhide
shoelace that I wear around my neck. One day I walked
into a store with the keys in my hand and the string dangling
to the ground. A woman approached me and said in a kind
voice, "I hate to tell you this, but I think you've lost your dog."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first
time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.
"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button
and operate the release handle.
"And where does the money come out?" I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually
the ATM."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I was recuperating from surgery when a charity representative
phoned asking me to participate in a door-to-door fund-raising
effort.
"Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller continued trying to convince me to change
my mind and volunteer.
I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what
that means?"
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A deputy pulled a car over about 2 miles north of the Missouri
state line. When the deputy asked the driver why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and
a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that
night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and
if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't
give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment
on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated
that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed
them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind
the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly,
he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my butt on to jail, there's no
way I can pass that test."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

CRAZY CARS

Everyone suspects the kooky names they come up with
for cars must means something...here are a few suggestions!!

BMW ........Bought My Wife (She must have not had dark hair!)

BUICK.................Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

FORD.................Found On Road, Dead
OR.......................Fix or Repair Daily

GM.......................Great Mistake

PONTIAC............Poor old Neanderthal thinks it's a Cadillac

VW.......................Virtually Worthless

DODGE ...............Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
OR..........Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

TITILLATING TITLES

"Gardening Made Easy"... by Lee F. Blower

"How to Groom Your Yard"... by Ray Cleaves

"I Don't Get It"... by Anita Clew

"The Attacking Lion"... by Claudia Armoff

"I Wish I Could Draw"... by Drew Lousy

"Do You Need Insurance"... by Justin Case

"Under the Bleachers"... by Seymour Butts

"Stop Procrastinating!"... by Will B. Dunn

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The only difference between a pigeon and the American
farmer today is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on
a John Deere.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The young man who stands on his own two feet has probably
failed his driving test.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins
to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling
on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Redneck: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good
for mice. He doesn't go near them!
Clerk: Well, isn't that good for mice?


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Jack: Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
Jill: No, how'd you know?
Jack: It is all over town!


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Little Jimmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Jimmy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Jimmy tearfully, without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for
a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Jimmy patted down the last heap of earth then
replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse
yells at him, "Hey, come over here buddy".

The jogger is
stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is
standing and asks, "Were you talking to me"?

The horse replies, "Sure was! I've got a problem. I won the
Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me,
and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you
run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make
you some money cause I can still run."

The jogger thought to himself, "Wow, a talking horse!" And he
thought of all the money he could make with it. So he ran to the
house, where the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger
tells the farmer, "I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down
nag you've got in the field".

The farmer replies "Son, you can't believe anything that horse
says. He's never even been to Kentucky."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A man is going out of town and needs to board his horse
for a couple of months. He asks a local farmer about it and
the guy says, "Sure, but I charge $50 per week, and I keep
the manure."

Well, the fellow can't afford this, so the farmer
refers him to ol' Jones, down the road.

When approached with the request, Jones said, "Yup, I can
do it for $40 a week, and I keep the manure."

This is still too
much, and Jones suggests that he try Mr. Brown.

When our desperate friend asks Mr. Brown, he is surprised
to hear "Sure, Sonny. I'll be glad to for $5 a month."

With delight, the young man exclaimed, "WOW! I suppose
for that price you'll want to keep the manure."

The old man looked at him with kind of a squint, and says,
"Feller, for $5 a month, there ain't gonna be none!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

FROM BAD TO WORSE

Now my wife just left and the well went dry,
and my horse is sick and about to die.
Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
and the road washed out on the way to town.

Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
and they both died soon after that.
Now I lost my specs and my pipe-stem broke,
so I can't even sit and read and smoke.

Then a tree fell on the chicken shed,
and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
and this old shack is about to fall.

Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
and sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.

And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place,
and my cow disappeared without a trace.
They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
and I lost my job and a whole lot more.

I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
as things keep going from bad to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack,
to top off the worst - my wife's coming back!

By Skinny Rowland


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better
during the week.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

One time I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Cannibals won't eat divorced women... they're very bitter.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I believe I have "furniture disease". My chest has fallen into my
drawers.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

My body is a temple... with ample parking in the rear.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

TOWN TEASERS

What Cheer, IA
Greasy Corner, AK
Gripe, AZ
Why, AZ
Drain, Oregon (After spring rains...probably HAVE to!!)
Notrees, Texas
Modest Sod, WV
Cheesequake, NJ
Lickskillet, OH
Black Gnat, KY
Bugscuffle, TN
West Thumb, WY

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The first graders were attending their first music lesson.
The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She
drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little
girl to come up and write a note on it.
The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for
a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note
to tell you I'm fine."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A football coach was asked how he picked a team from
a bunch of raw recruits.
"I hate to give away my secrets," he replied, "but I'll tell you.
I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal, I
start them off running.
Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards.
Those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An elderly couple stood near me in the supermarket's produce
section. The man picked up a bunch of bananas and said to his
wife, "These are nice. How about some banana-nut bread?"
I glanced at his spouse and felt sorry for her. She looked
tired and, I presumed, not willing to do any baking.
My sympathy vanished, however, when she snapped at him,
"I'm sick of banana-nut bread, Joe! Can't you make something else?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

39 ways to tell you're a New Yorker 1-13

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know
that this means Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or
the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about
"the best" way to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the
Friday before a long weekend, but can't find
Wisconsin on a map.

4. You never pronounce the letter "R."

5. The subway makes sense.

6. The subway should never be called anything
prissy, like the Metro.

7. You believe that being able to swear at people in
their own language makes you multilingual.

8. You've considered stabbing someone just for
saying "The Big Apple."

9. Your door has more than three locks.

10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

12. You call an 8-by-10-foot plot of patchy grass a yard.

13. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

39 ways to tell you're a New Yorker 14-26

14. You think Central Park is "nature."

15. You see nothing odd about the speed of an
auctioneer's speaking.

16. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of
a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."

17. You've been to New Jersey twice and got
hopelessly lost both times.

18. You pay more each month to park your car
than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

19. You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the
night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

20. You go to dinner at 9pm and head out to the
clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

21. Your closet is filled with black clothes.

22. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute
silence since 1977, and when you did it terrified you.

23. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost
the bar 28 cents.

24. You take fashion seriously.

25. Being truly alone makes you nervous.

26. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

39 ways to tell you're a New Yorker 27-39

27. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

28. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

29. You have jaywalking down to an art form.

30. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually
nice to you.

31. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom
last Thanksgiving.

32. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

33. Your idea of personal space is no one actually
standing on your toes.

34. $50 worth of groceries fits in one paper bag.

35. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever"
stories.

36. You don't hear sirens anymore.

37. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the
city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.

38. You live in a building with a larger population
than most American towns.

39. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean,
your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian,
your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender
is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-
seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie
was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, and
your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Three blondes are walking down the beach
when they find a bottle. They pick it up and
poof out pops a genie. He is really awestruck.
"I've never had three mistresses before!" So
he decides to give each one a wish.

The first blonde wants to be 20% smarter. Easy
job, poof, the genie turns her into a redhead!!

The second blonde wants to be 40% smarter!
Easy job, poof, the genie turns her into a brunette!

Well, the third blonde thinks for a minute and says,
"I want to be 10% dumber!" The genie looks at
her curiously and asks her to repeat her request.
Again, she says she wants to be 10% dumber!!

Hmm, this is a new one for the genie so he checks
out his book and after looking through it he asks her
one more time if this is one she wants. She agrees
so the genie steps back and poof turns her ...

...into a man.


------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A woman was walking along the beach when
she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked
it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three
wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation,
constant down sizing, low wages in third-world
countries, and fierce global competition, I can
only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want
these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been
at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make
another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well,
I've never been able to find the right man. You
know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to
cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good
in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't
watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's
what I wish for .... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me
see that map again?"


------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb.
pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in hand, after
having marched 12-miles, and says, "This is
crap."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain
with a 45-lb. pack on his back weapon in hand,
after having jumped from an airplane and
marched 18-miles, and says with a smile, "This
is good crap!"

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-lb pack on his
back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10-miles
to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching
25-miles at night past the enemy positions, says
with a grin, "This really is great crap."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested
mud of a swamp with a 65-lb pack on his back and
a weapon in both hands after jumping from an
aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming
12-miles to the shore, killing several alligators to
enter the swamp, then crawling 30-miles through
the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love
this crap!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air
conditioned, carpeted VIP room and says, "The
cable's out? What kind of crap is this?"


------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Zack volunteered for military service during WWII.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he
was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is
the best flier on the base.

All they could do was give him his gold wings and
assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the
Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-
handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then
climbing up to 20,000 feet he found 10 more
Japanese plans and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended,
circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing
on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed
out and jogged over to the Captain.

Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do
on my very first day?"

The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant
mistake!!"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

New Medications For Women

S t M o m 's W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to
six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how
awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast
size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

A n t i b y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective
in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and
reducing money spent on make-up.

M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want
to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending
spree.

E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y - O n e - a l l
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book
by Dr. Laura.

J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life with total strangers.

S e x c e d r i n
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now,
dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the
wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A wife says to her husband one weekend
morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He
brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied, "Well, a lot of dogs can
do that."

The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed
to any papers!"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A man is conversing with his neighborhood butcher,
when a small dog trots in, holding some money in his
mouth. The butcher says, "What'll it be today? Beef?"
The little dog shakes his head.
"How 'bout chicken?" The dog shakes his head 'no' again.
The butcher says, "Chops?" The dog wags his tail wildly.
"Pork chops?" Dog shakes his head.
"Lamb chops?" The tails wags frantically again.
"Okay, lamb chops..." The butcher cuts the meat, takes
the money from the dog's mouth, and puts the wrapped
chops in the dog's mouth, and the little dog trots off.

"That was amazing!" says the man.
"Oh, he comes in here every other day or so," says the
butcher. The man says, "I have to follow that dog and
see where he lives!" He runs out, spots the dog trotting
up the block. He follows him till the dog runs up a flight of
steps to a house, gets on the porch, raises up on his hind
legs, and rings the doorbell with his nose! A man comes
to the door, takes the meat from the dog, then WHACKS
him on his head as he yelps by.

The man watching is outraged. He storms up to the house,
and rings the doorbell. When the dog owner appears, the
man says, "You know, mister- that's absolutely the smartest
dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher shop for you,
ORDERS the meat, PAYS for it, BRINGS it home, RINGS
the damn doorbell, and you BEAT HIM?????"

"Yeah," says the man, "That's the third time this week he
forgot his blasted key!"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding
car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was
astounded to see that the elderly woman behind
the wheel was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled
to the driver, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the woman yelled back, "Cardigan!"

------------------
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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A priest was sitting on the steps of the church
one spring day enjoying the sunshine. He saw
a young boy approaching him on the sidewalk
pulling a wagon. Every few yards one of the
wheels would fall off the wagon, the boy would
say "Damn!" put the wheel back on, and continue
down the street, and a wheel would fall off again
a few yards later.

As the boy neared the steps, the priest saw this
as an opportunity to make an impression on the
boy, and stopped him. "You know," he said to the
boy, "when a wheel falls off your wagon, instead
of using profanity, you should say 'Praise the Lord!'
instead." He went on to tell the boy how Someone
is always watching over us and how we should be
careful to do the right thing at all times.

The boy acknowledged his words and thanked him,
and went on down the street. The priest stood there,
feeling quite pleased with himself. About 50 yards
away from the steps, all four wheels fell off the wagon,
the boy stopped, heaved a huge sigh, and said, "Praise
the Lord!" Instantly the wagon raised off the ground,
all four wheels returned to their places.

Upon seeing this, the priest said, "Damn!"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Donna was attending her High School reunion
and was having a blast. As the evening was
drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies
for the night proceeded to hand out bottles of
champagne to the graduates who had traveled
the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the
graduate who had been married the longest
time, the graduate who had become the most
successful, etc.

Donna wondered if she was going to get a prize,
too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies
called out her name. "Donna, you win with 11
kids." and then, trying to be clever, he added in
"And champagne is only half the prize. The other
half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin."

"Don't bother with the aspirin," Donna replied.
"It's obvious with these many kids that I've
never had a headache."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A man was bragging about his sister who
disguised herself as a man and joined the
army.

"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll
have to dress with the boys and shower with
them, too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?"

The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys
in the school yard. Each was bragging about
how great their fathers are.

The first one said: "Well, my father runs the
fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run,
I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast!
My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and
be there before the bullet!"

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and
shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes...
but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant.
He stops working at 4:30... and he's home by
3:45!"


------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming
it on middle-age, iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins,
air pollution, water pollution, saccharin, obesity,
dieting, underarm odor, yellow wax build-up, and
a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if
life is really worth living.

But now I find out, ain't that I'm tired because I'm
overworked.

The population of this country is 200 million.
Eighty-four million are retired. That leaves 116 million
to do the work. There are 75 million in school, which
leaves 41 million to do the work.

Of this total, there are 22 million employed by the
government. That leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the armed forces, which leaves
15 million to do the work. Take from that total the
14,800,000 people who work for the state and city
governments and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000
to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in
prisons.

That leaves just 2 people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired!


------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The teacher asked Johnnie, "Johnnie if I gave
you two rabbits and then two more rabbits and
then two more rabbits, how many would you
have?"

Johnnie replied, "Seven rabbits, Teacher."

The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnnie, If I
gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits,
plus two more rabbits... How many rabbits
would you have altogether?"

Johnnie smiled, "That's easy, Teacher,
I would have seven."

"Ok Johnnie," the teacher said. "Let's try it a
different way. If I gave you two cans of pop, plus
two more cans of pop, plus two more cans of
pop. How many cans of pop would you have?"

"Six cans." Johnnie said.

"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with
this question. "If I gave you two rabbits, then
two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how
many would you have?"

"Seven, Teacher." Johnnie said.

"Why seven?" the teacher asked, exasperated.

Johnnie replied, "Because I already have one
rabbit at home!"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When...

You're the employee of the month at the local
coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take
your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the
devil's coffee."

You're so jittery that people use your hands to
blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your
feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe."

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Lo."

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

------------------
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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On September 17, 2002 07:21 AM]

[SleepyHead]

You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When... Part II

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're
parked.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee
drinkers are good in the sack."

You answer the door before people knock.

You just completed another sweater and you
don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet
away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell
House."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

My 2-year-old son asked our baby sitter for
help in getting his boots on.

He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots
still didn't want to go on. When the second
boot was on, she had already worked up
a sweat.

She almost whimpered when my son said,
"wrong feet!"

She looked and sure enough, they were on
the wrong feet. It wasn't any easier pulling
the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together
they worked to get the boots back on -- this
time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his
face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?"
like she wanted to. Once again she struggled
to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my cousin's boots. My
Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace to wrestle the
boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in my boots..."


------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

On the first day of school, a first grader handed
his teacher a note from his mother. The note
read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."


------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A boy had reached four without giving up
the habit of sucking his thumb, though his
mother had tried everything from bribery
to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice
to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that,
"If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your
stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother
and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on
a bench.

The four-year-old considered her gravely for
a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh . . .
I know what *you've* been doing."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction
Workers called the meeting to order.

"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state.
We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"

"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.

"We'll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!"

"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.

"We don't have to be in until 11 AM instead of
10 AM!"

"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.

"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the
country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll
only have to work on Wednesdays!!"

Silence.

A voice from the back of the room asks, "You
mean, EVERY Wednesday?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Negotiations between union members and their
employer were at an impasse. The union denied
that their workers were flagrantly abusing their
contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's
chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the
newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in
sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the
supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local
golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence
in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he
could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Does your organization struggle with the problem
of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy
hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying
to place and put them in a room with only a
table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two
hours, without any instruction. At the end of that
time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms,
send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is
a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them
to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the
room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

We had a power failure last night as we sat
down to dinner. We wanted to know if the power
failure was just local or area wide. My wife
asked our two six year old grandsons, Matthew
and J.R., to go up to the smallest bedroom (the
only non-portable phone in the house - portable
phones require electricity to work) and dial J.R.'s
home to see if the answering machine worked.
It was a simple concept; no power - no answering
machine.

J.R.'s home telephone number had changed
recently so he did not have it memorized yet.
My wife wrote down J.R.'s home telephone
number and then asked the boys to read it back
to her. The boys repeated the first three numbers
and were stumped by the dash (new concept).
Upon reading the whole telephone number back
to her, off the boys went to the telephone in the
smallest bedroom.

A few minutes later Matthew came back down
stairs and said, "Grandma, we can't find the
dash button on the phone!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible
with fascination, he looked at the old pages as
he turned them. Then something fell out of the
Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that has been
pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother
asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he
answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

My wife told our 5 year old to put on clean
underwear everyday, and he did just as
he was told. At the end of the week, he had
on 5 pairs.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The kindergartners were now in the first grade.
Their teacher wanted them to be more grown
up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
She told them to use grown up words instead
of baby words. She then asked them to tell her
what they did during the summer. The first little
one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your
grandmother." Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a
choo-choo.

The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on
a trip on a train." That's the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what
he did during the summer. He proudly stated that
he read a book. The teacher asked what book
he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way
replied, "Winnie the Sh*t."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired
about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your
third question?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by
mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for
their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out
with $25 between us."

"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss
screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke IN!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called
a plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while,
and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I
don't even make that much as a lawyer!"

The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I
when I was a lawyer."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very
carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and
I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband
said. "And every now and then I'll try to send
her a few bucks myself."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A lawyer's wife dies.

At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that
the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of
Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother
says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!"

Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't
understand! They left out the phone number!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Two kids are talking to each other. One says,
"I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours
a day to give me a nice home and good food.
My mom spends the whole day cleaning and
cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry
about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "Yeah, but what if they try to
escape?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A little boy and his mother were taking his first
commercial airplane ride. After boarding the
plane, taking off and being at cruise altitude for
some time, the puzzled boy looked at his mother
and said, "So when do we get smaller?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A woman was trying hard to get the catchup to
come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone
rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to
answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come
to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting
the bottle."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric
wing of the hospital. When a new baby was
brought into the nursery, all the women tried to
guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me
was the only male to venture a number.

"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.

"This must not be your first," I said.

"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."

"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?"
I asked.

He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Last summer, my husband, took me camping
for the first time. At every opportunity, he
passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day
we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried
the usual tactics to determine direction --
moss on the trees (there was none), direction
of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted
a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled
out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned
and led us right back to our camp.

"That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country
all the TV satellite dishes point south."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

One day a farmer died. His elderly widow was always
bedridden and very depressed. Their son tried
everything he could think of to cheer her up but
nothing worked. He spoke to the doctor and was
told a shot of whiskey would perk her up some and
should be given to her nightly. This would make it
easier for her to sleep at night and should make
her better humored each day that passed.

But the son knew his mother didn't believe in liquor.
So the doctor told him to put it in her food or drink.
So the boy went home and put the whiskey in
her milk. That night she slept like a baby and woke
up feeling wonderful. Each evening she had her shot
of whiskey and milk and woke the following morning
feeling more and more cheerful.

When the boy suggested one day that they sell the
farm and move closer to the city, his mother said,
"Son, you can do anything you want to, but DON'T
SELL THAT COW!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES...

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't even know you liked beer."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[Magill]

Nine of Steven Wright's Best

1. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

2. A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

3. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

4. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

5. Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

6. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

7. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

8. And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

9. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

------------------
"It could've been 'the fox terrier is Paul', you know." ~John Lennon

[dav-here]

If you own a set of matching salad bowls that all say "Cool Whip" on the sides...

...you might be a redneck!! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/teeth1.gif

------------------
United We Stand
Together We Heal

[SleepyHead]

"A Diplomat And A Lady"

What's the difference between a diplomat
and a lady? {To be read with the moral
framework from the 60s.} Well...

The diplomat:
- if he says yes, he means maybe;
- if he says maybe, he means no;
- if he says no, he's not a real diplomat

The lady:
- if she says no, she means maybe;
- if she says maybe, she means yes;
- if she says yes, she's not a real lady

However, the joke does not tell what happens
when the diplomat is a lady...

[SleepyHead]

"The Perfect Husband"

There are several men in the locker room of a
private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell
phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation
ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you
are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely
gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2003 at a really good price ... and since
we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last
year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your
bank account and... I stopped by the real estate
agent this morning, and I saw the house we had
looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember?
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park
area, beach front property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid
$420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!!
I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do, too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and
raises his hand while holding the phone and asks
to all those present:

"Er... Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[SleepyHead]

"A Cat's 12 Days of Christmas"

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tasty cat treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of tissue,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

graemlins/cat.gif

[SleepyHead]

"Cats' Favorite Christmas Songs"

1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls

[SleepyHead]

"A Kitty's Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him
And tore him apart -
Ate his mouse intestines
And chewed up little heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,
Which made him take pause -
He stopped daintily licking
The blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(That quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa
So jolly and fat
With a huge load of presents
And all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hair ball
And shed some more fur.

[SleepyHead]

"Merry Christmas from Mom"

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry.
I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat.
The important thing is that you have a nice holiday,
thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card,
which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.
Lord knows their mother never buys them anything
nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy.
I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my
grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last
week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning
for a good funeral so Aunt Berta and I dug her up and
had the services all over again. I would have invited
you, but I know that woman you live with would have
never let you come. I bet she's never even watched
that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I
lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't
you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold
since they turned my heat off and am grateful because
the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

Now don't you even think about sending any more
money, because I know you need it for those expensive
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to
my darling grand babies and my regards to whatever-
her-name-is --the one with the black roots in her hair
who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas,
Love, Mom

[SleepyHead]

When I got to the airline counter, I was
impressed by the lovely Christmas decorations.
I looked up and noticed that I was standing
under a mistletoe, but then I realized that it
was there so that I could KISS MY LUGGAGE
GOODBYE!

[SleepyHead]

"Holiday Travel"

A student was heading home for the holidays.
When she got to the airline counter, she presented
her ticket to New York. And as she gave the agent
her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to
send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red
suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't to that."

"Oh, really???" said Ms. Smarty-Pants, "I am so
relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly
what you did to my luggage last year!"

[SleepyHead]

"Police During Holiday Season"

A local policeman had just finished his shift
one cold December evening and was at home
with his wife. "You just won't believe what
happened this evening, in all my years on the
force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal,
one of them was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!!
What did you do with them?"

"Oh that was easy. I charged one and let the
other off."

[SleepyHead]

"The Three Wise Women"

You know what would have happened if there
had been three wise WOMEN instead of three
wise MEN, don't you?

They would have asked for directions, arrived
on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the
stable, made a casserole and given practical
gifts, such as disposable diapers.

[SleepyHead]

"The Three Wise Women Talking"

But what would they have said when they left ...?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with
that gown?"

"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

"Virgin? I knew her in school!"

"Can you believe that they let all of those
disgusting animals in there!"

"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right
now!"

"And that donkey that they are riding has seen
better days too!"

"Want to bet on how long it will take until you
get your casserole dish back?"