Your Best Jokes I

[Harbidge]

A bit like random thoughts or minor irritants.

Post your best jokes here to help lighten up our days if we're feeling a bit rough. I'll start with a couple of lame ones to give you an inflated sense of self esteem that you can do better...

Why do dogs wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in anoraks!!!!!

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Paul is Dead - the Conclusive Evidence (http://members.fortunecity.co.uk/paulisdead) - Officially the BEST website on the internet regarding the entire 'Paul is Dead' saga. Listing 300+ clues that are backed up with images and soundclips, this is THE place to go to learn everything about the worlds greatest rock and roll conspiracy.

Introducing the Beatles Authentification Guide (http://introducing.cjb.net) - Introducing the Beatles is the most counterfeited LP in modern recording history. Nearly every copy that turns up of this LP turns out to be fake. Come here to learn of all the mistakes the bootleggers made to determine whether or not your copy is real or fake.

[MonaMe577]

Well, Harb, maybe my best jokes can't be repeated in polite company... http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/blush5.gif

J/K, I'l think of some clean ones...honestly!!

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"They're just a passing phase, symptoms of the uncertainty of the times and the confusion about us. I hope, when they get older, they'll get a haircut." -- Billy Graham

[MonaMe577]

Try this one:

A young man goes to a fancy restaurant to meet his new girlfriend and her parents for dinner. As he heads for the door, he's stopped by the doorman. "I'm sorry, sir, but we have a dress code. I can't let you in here unless you're wearing a tie." The man tries to argue with the doorman to no avail. In frustration, he heads back to his car. The only thing he can find that looks even remotely like a tie is a pair of jumper-cables, so he throws them around his neck, fashions a makeshift knot, and just barely manages to make the cables look like a necktie.

Satisfied, the young man heads back to the door. The doorman stares at him for a few moments, and says finally, "Okay, I guess I can let you in. Just don't start anything."


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"They're just a passing phase, symptoms of the uncertainty of the times and the confusion about us. I hope, when they get older, they'll get a haircut." -- Billy Graham

[Drumhead15]

A little girl and her mother are doing some yard work when the little girl sees a garden snake. Her mother encourages her to put it in a jar. Next the little girl sees a large bullfrog and puts that in a jar. After dark, the mother tells the little girl that she must let the creatures go. So with the snake in one hand and bullfrog in the other, the little girl headed outside. All of a sudden there was a wild scream and the little girl ran inside. "What happened?" the mother asked. "Did you see that?" the little girl replied, "That moth almost got me!"

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"Drumheads are like parrotheads, only they belong to me." -Ringo

[This Message Has Been Edited By Drumhead15 On October 15, 2002 10:19 AM]

[backtotheegg]

even though my best jokes are filthy,I think I keep it clean for this forum.

*steps up to the microphone*

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy,
and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.



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Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me."

[HMVNipper]

A very spoiled girl is getting married. Her father pulls out all the stops and throws her the biggest wedding the country has ever seen, no expense is spared. AND he pays for his darling daughter and her new husband to go on a thrilling and expensive honeymoon.

A week after they return from the honeymoon, daughter calls her father in tears. "Daddy, I want a divorce," she whines.

"But honey, you just had a huge wedding and a wonderful honeymoon. Why would you want a divorce?"

"Because, Daddy, my husband is mean to me...he uses four letter words! He's awful, I want a divorce!"

"Sweetie, it can't be that bad...what kind of four letter words does he use?" says the father kindly.

"Oh Daddy, it's awful..." whines the little Princess. "He uses four letter words like COOK, and BAKE..."

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Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[beatlegirl9977]

This was always a favorite Beatle-related one....

How many Beatles does it take to change a lightbulb?

FOUR!

John to write a song about living in darkness.....
Paul to say that he contributed 50% to the light bulb change.....
George to complain that his light bulbs are never considered.....
Ringo to actually change the light bulb!

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Beatlegirl's World (http://beatlegirl.tripod.com) -- Home of fan fics "The Beatles: Live at 12 Cold Creek Street" and "Days in the Life"

[HMVNipper]

Jewish American Princess Jokes:
(I grew up with girls like these -- ugh!) http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/barf3.gif

What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite wine?
"Daaaaady....I want a new Camaaaaaro..."

What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner?
Reservations

How can you tell if a Jewish American Princess is enjoying sex?
She moves.

What is a Jewish American Princess's favorite fantasy?
Shopping at Bloomingdale's on somebody else's charge card.



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Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[backtotheegg]

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery.
After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral
procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When
the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''
The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''


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Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me."

[backtotheegg]

Confessions of a Groom to be:


Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My
fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to
her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond
what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
under a hundred ... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that
happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked
to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if
I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front
door ...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He
was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid
and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I
keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was
walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Signed,

Confused in California


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Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me."

[backtotheegg]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally,
we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a
highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare
off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all
sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms;
finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open,
swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the
country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,
winking, and asked for aspirin?"

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Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me."

[backtotheegg]

Grandma & Grandpa were on the porch, and Grandpa said, "You know, honey, I'd sure like a big bowl of ice cream."

"OK, my dear", she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen.

"Wait, write it down," he said, "... you'll forget"

"Com'on, don't be silly, I can handle that"

"Write it down" he said, "'cause I want some chocolate syrup on it too." he insisted.

"Don't worry, ice cream with chocolate syrup, right?" she said, as she walked into the kitchen.

Ten, 15, 20 minutes passed and finally Grandma came out & handed Grandpa a big bowl of oatmeal.

"See, honey, what'd I tell you ... you forgot the toast!"



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Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me."

[backtotheegg]

An Oldie but Goodie:

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"


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You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

[beatlebangs1964]

I heard this one back in 6th grade and I still think it's kind of funny.

A man goes to a party and has way too much to drink. The only thing he can remember after that party was that he used a golden toilet. He just could not remember where the party was or who threw it.

Several days later, he sees a familiar looking house. As he approaches it, he recognizes it as the party house. He rang the bell and a man answered.

"Did you have a party here Saturday night?" the man asked.

"Yes, sir, we did," said the man at the door.

"Do you have a golden toilet?" the attendee asked.

"Hey, Tony! Here's the guy who used the tuba!"

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Then we will remember things we said today. Yeah.
-- Beatles, 1964

With a love like that, you know you should be glad, yeah, yeah, yeah!
-- Beatles, 1963

Read www.rooftopsessions.com (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) for high caliber Beatles fan fiction.

BB1964

[HMVNipper]

This one's a groaner, but I'll post it anyway...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.
She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."


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Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[Prelly]

Wanna hear a real good joke I heard from my friend...aahhahahaahahaha...ahahahaha....


'Ben Laden isn't insane, nor did he bomb the twin towers, no he was just trying to bring us a present and things got screwed up"

aahahha not funny.

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caitie!!!!!!

Hare Krishna-

A Mantra a day keeps MAYA! away....

[HMVNipper]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By Prelly:
Wanna hear a real good joke I heard from my friend...aahhahahaahahaha...ahahahaha....


'Ben Laden isn't insane, nor did he bomb the twin towers, no he was just trying to bring us a present and things got screwed up"

aahahha not funny.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Nope. Not funny. "Insensitive" kind of covers it, though, considering I'm from New York City. I can't believe people in other parts of the country are telling sick jokes like this!

Sorry, but this is really NOT amusing.

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Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[This Message Has Been Edited By HMVNipper On October 18, 2002 09:50 AM]

[Rellevart]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By HMVNipper:
Sorry, but this is really NOT amusing.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I agree. Occasionally, even sick or tasteless jokes can be funny, but this isn't even a joke. No punch line, no humor at all as far as I can see.

Some of the other ones on this thread have had me giggling though.....I'm a particular fan of bad puns. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/smile.gif

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I go back so far, I'm in front of me...

[MonaMe577]

Three men die and head up to Heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says to the three men, "Okay, I have a few questions to ask you before I can let you in. Don't worry: you're all getting in, otherwise you wouldn't be here. But I need to know a few things from you so we can assign you a car. You have to have a car in Heaven cause it's so big."

The three men agree. The first man steps up and St. Peter asks him, "How long were you married to your wife, and how many times did you cheat on her?"

The first man looks up sheepishly and admits, "I was married for 15 years and I cheated on her ten times."

"That's horrible!" exclaims St. Peter. "Here's a Yugo for you to drive."

The second man comes up and St. Peter asks him the same thing. "Well, St. Peter," he answers, "I was married for 30 years. I cheated on her once, way in the beginning, but we talked about and worked it out. I was faithful to her the rest of my life."

St. Peter nods. "I guess that's pretty good. You're only human, after all. Let's give you a Ford Taurus to drive."

The third man comes up and says, "St. Peter, I know what you're about to ask me. I was married to my wife for 45 years and I never cheated on her once. I never even LOOKED at another woman!

"That's wonderful!" St. Peter exclaims. "You're a fine example for men everywhere. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

Time passes, and one day, the man in the Yugo and the man with the Taurus run into the faithful man with the Jaguar, parked by the side of the road. He's crying bitterly. The other two pull over and ask him what the matter is. The man with the Jaguar looks up and says, "I just saw my wife."

"And?"

"She was on a skateboard!!"

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"They're just a passing phase, symptoms of the uncertainty of the times and the confusion about us. I hope, when they get older, they'll get a haircut." -- Billy Graham

[HMVNipper]

I agree, Rell...it wasn't really a joke, was it?

Anyway, back to the funnies, here's another one -- anyone who has ever had dealings with company hierarchy in any form will find it amusing, I hope!

**************

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!"


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Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[MonaMe577]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are driving through the desert when their Jeep breaks down. They decide to walk the rest of the way. The brunette takes a basket of food and the redhead takes a canteen of water, and they start off on their way.

After walking a few miles, the blonde asks the brunette, "Why did you bring the food?"

"In case we get hungry, we can eat it," the brunette explains.

A few miles later, the blonde asks the redhead, "Why'd you bring the water?"

"In case we get thirsty, we can drink it," explains the redhead.

Suddenly, the blonde has a brilliant idea! She runs back to the Jeep and returns a few minutes later with the car door. Puzzled, the brunette and the redhead stare at each other a few moments, then ask the blonde, "Why the hell did you go back for the car door?"

"Well," explains the blonde, "in case we get hot we can roll down the window!"

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"They're just a passing phase, symptoms of the uncertainty of the times and the confusion about us. I hope, when they get older, they'll get a haircut." -- Billy Graham

[ImaginePeace78]

Here's a couple of "blind" jokes I heard from friends...

A man and his seeing-eye dog walk into a store. The man then takes his seeing-eye dog by the tail and starts spinning around fast. When he stops, the cashier says, "What are you doing that for?" The man replies, "Oh, I'm just looking around."

Two women were paiting the walls in their apartment. One day, they decided to paint in the nude. That way, they wouldn't get any of their clothes dirty. Anyway, while painting in their birthday suits, a knock came at the door. "Who is it?" the women asked. "Blind man," said the person behind the door. "Oh, he's blind, we can answer the door like this." they say. They both stop painting and answer the door. A man holding blinds for their windows says, "Wow, you two have the best knockers I've ever seen!"

I hope that one wasn't too "risque." But I thought these were funny and cute.
-Kristi

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"In the best of times, our days are numbered anyway. And so it would be a crime against nature for any generation to take the world crisis so solemnly that we would put off doing those things for which we were intended for in the first place, the opportunity to do good work, to fall in love, to enjoy friends, to hit a ball and to bounce a baby." --Alistair Cooke


Kristi's Writing Desk (http://www.geocities.com/lennon4080forever/index.html)

[HMVNipper]

I think those are cute, Kristi! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh4.gif

And now, out of the mouths of babes -- I think these are cute!

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up,I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail..."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."His son then asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"

On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

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Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[HMVNipper]

I've got more...

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "I'd better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and it read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which he put into an envelope and sent to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. No doubt those thieving bastards at the post office took it."


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Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[HMVNipper]

I've got a million of 'em!

***********
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men do.


Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. It read "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000".


The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say".


The husband said, "What"?

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Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[HMVNipper]

I'll shut up after this one, promise! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

*************

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.


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Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[Prelly]

Well thats why i put ahah not funny at the bottom of the page when i wrote it, you see, cause it was NOT funny http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif


d'oh... second day on here and ive already pissed people off..

I think this maybe a new record for me.http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/smile.gif

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caitie!!!!!!

Hare Krishna-

A Mantra a day keeps MAYA! away....

[angelgodiva]

I hope that this is not too distasteful, but even though I am a Christian, I really thought it was funny:

A CEO for a hardware company calls in his best adman and tells him he needs a new ad for their new nails by the end of the week.
The guy comes back the next day with a tape and pops it into the VCR. There was Jesus , and a Roman Centurion is nailing Him to the cross. As the cross is being pushed upright, the centurion says, "Wilson nails--they hold anything."
The CEO is livid. "You idiot, I can't run that ad!" he screams. "Do it over, and no nailing Jesus to the cross!"
The next day's tape shows Jesus on the cross. The centurion is looking up at Him, then he looks at the camera and says, "Wilson nails--they hold anything!"
The CEO is practically foaming at the mouth. "NO JESUS ON THE CROSS!" he screams."NO CRUCIFIED CHRIST--PEOPLE WILL NOT STAND FOR AN AD LIKE THAT!"
The next day, here is what was on the new tape: a group of centurions chasing a long-haired, bearded man in a loincloth down the street at breakneck pace. The first centurion looks at the camera as he runs by and yells, "I WISH WE'D USED WILSON NAILS!"



------------------
Paul is still alive.

[HMVNipper]

THAT'S funny, Angel! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

And Prelly, I don't think you really upset anyone -- I just had to wonder about that "joke!"

------------------
Rooftop Sessions (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) - The Finest In Beatles-Related Fiction. October 2002 Issue Now Up!

"In writing, the difference between the right word and almost the right word is like the difference between lightning and lightning bugs." - Mark Twain

[Harbidge]

A little boy runs up to the local vicar screaming "Vicar, Vicar, I know where Jesus lives!"

The vicar looked at him and said "Yes my son, as he is alive in all our faithful hearts."

"No", said the boy. "He's living in our basement!"

stonished, the vicar asked him to elaborate.

"Well, every time my dad goes down there he says 'Jesus Christ!, where's the light switch?'"

------------------
Paul is Dead - the Conclusive Evidence (http://members.fortunecity.co.uk/paulisdead) - Officially the BEST website on the internet regarding the entire 'Paul is Dead' saga. Listing 300+ clues that are backed up with images and soundclips, this is THE place to go to learn everything about the worlds greatest rock and roll conspiracy.

Introducing the Beatles Authentification Guide (http://introducing.cjb.net) - Introducing the Beatles is the most counterfeited LP in modern recording history. Nearly every copy that turns up of this LP turns out to be fake. Come here to learn of all the mistakes the bootleggers made to determine whether or not your copy is real or fake.

[ahme623]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By beatlebangs1964:

A man goes to a party and has way too much to drink. The only thing he can remember after that party was that he used a golden toilet. He just could not remember where the party was or who threw it.

Several days later, he sees a familiar looking house. As he approaches it, he recognizes it as the party house. He rang the bell and a man answered.

"Did you have a party here Saturday night?" the man asked.

"Yes, sir, we did," said the man at the door.

"Do you have a golden toilet?" the attendee asked.

"Hey, Tony! Here's the guy who used the tuba!"

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh7.gif
OMG!!! that is absolutely hilarious! i'm seriously LMAO!!!!!! i'm gonna show this to all the tuba players at band today.
lol!

------------------
Pffft, Love, & Beans!!!

Sarah :)

[BrazilianFlag]

So there was the priest fixing the fence near to the church. A young boy sees the scene and sits down, watching the priest carefully.

The priest notices the boy's attention and asks, "So why are you watching so still? Want to learn how to fix a fence?"

"No", the boy said, "I wanna know what a priest says when he hammers his finger instead of the nail!"


------------------
If there ain't Beatle music in heaven...I ain't going!

[Drumhead15]

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmelessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you like, $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh the keep an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can't study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Lonley guy bought a centipede and brought it home in a little white box. Later that day, the fellow decided he and his pet should spend some quality time together. So he knocked on the box and said, "Hey buddy, want to take a walk?" The centipede didn't answer. The man waited a few minutes then tapped again, "How about a stroll?" Again, no answer from his supposed new friend. The man decided to ask the centipede once more. This time he pressed his face against the box and shouted, "Hey! Would you like to go for a walk?" At last, a little voice came from inside. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother Teresa arrives in heaven. "Be thou hungry?" God asks. Mother Teresa nods. He serves the each a humble sandwich of tuna on rye bread. Meanwhile, the sainted woman looks down to see the gluttons in hell devouring steaks, lobsters, and wine. The next day, God invites her to join him for another meal. Again, it's tuna on rye. Again, she sees the denizens of hell feasting. The following day as another can of tuna is opened, Mother Teresa meekly says, "I am grateful to be here with you as a reward for the pious life I led. But I don't get it: All we eat is tuna and bread, while in the other place they eat like kings." "Let's be honest," God says with a sigh, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"

------------------
Lipstick traces, on a cigarette...

[JDanRyan]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By Drumhead15 (excerpted):
Mother Teresa arrives in heaven. "Be thou hungry?" God asks. Mother Teresa nods. He serves the each a humble sandwich of tuna on rye bread. Meanwhile, the sainted woman looks down to see the gluttons in hell devouring steaks, lobsters, and wine. The next day, God invites her to join him for another meal. Again, it's tuna on rye. Again, she sees the denizens of hell feasting. The following day as another can of tuna is opened, Mother Teresa meekly says, "I am grateful to be here with you as a reward for the pious life I led. But I don't get it: All we eat is tuna and bread, while in the other place they eat like kings." "Let's be honest," God says with a sigh, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I think we have us a winner... http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/thumbsup2.gif

------------------
"Democracies die behind closed doors" - Judge Damon J. Keith

"Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I don't make films
but if I did they'd have a Samurai"
-Barenaked Ladies

[angelgodiva]

Here's one my protestant Irish gram used to tell--she'd spin in her grave if she knew I'd married a Catholic!


Two small boys, one catholic and one protestant, get lost in the woods. Darkness comes down and they near a monastery. Upon entering they are asked their faith, telling the head monk their religions. The catholic lad gets the best of treatment,like good food,a hot bath, and a good bed near the fireplace. The protestant lad, on the other hand, gets a bowl of cold gruel, a cold shower, and is told to sleep by the draughty door to keep the cold out of the room.In the morning the head monk asks the boys how it was. "I dreamt I was in heaven, Father, " said the catholic boy. "It was just wonderful!" "I dreamt that I was in hell, " said the protestant boy. "And what was that like?" said the holy father. "Just like this place, couldn't get near the fire for the catholics"





------------------
Paul is still alive.

[shyGirl]

Santa's a Woman

I think Santa Claus is a woman.

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

-Men can't pack a bag.

-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

-Men don't answer their mail.

-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.




------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/rocknroll.gif
Song of the moment-Something

shyGirl's Hideout (http://www.geocities.com/smw15/index.html)

"I get shy when they start to stare."

[Drumhead15]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By JDanRyan:
I think we have us a winner... http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/thumbsup2.gif

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Hehehe. I get all my good jokes from Reader's Digest. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

------------------
Lipstick traces, on a cigarette...

[shyGirl]

MOTHER KNOWS BEST


A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far-away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband. The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment, and screamed, "I told you to marry a RICH Doctor! a RICH Doctor!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/rocknroll.gif
Song of the moment-Something

shyGirl's Hideout (http://www.geocities.com/smw15/index.html)

"I get shy when they start to stare."

[Drumhead15]

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your a** and go as a fudgesickle!"

------------------
Lipstick traces, on a cigarette...

[JDanRyan]

I suppose I have to, as well...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As the Evil Doctor Zook's mad robot started smashing up the city, Captain Courage (who's mighty fists did nothing against it) flew to the big university to see if someone on the staff could help him find a weakness.

He went right into the provost's office and asked (dramatically) "I need your best brain in the field of robotics to help me fight this monster!"

"Our best?" asked the provost. "You mean Doctor Enrique Zook, of course."

Captain Courage's jaw dropped to the floor. "You have that madman Evil Doctor Zook on your campus?!?" he asked.

"Oh yes. We watched him build the monster robot for the last few weeks. I even saw Evil Doctor Zook turn it on and send into the city."

"My GOD, man! You had an evil scientist working here and you did NOTHING?!?"

"Well," said the provost, "he has tenure."

------------------
"Democracies die behind closed doors" - Judge Damon J. Keith

"Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I don't make films
but if I did they'd have a Samurai"
-Barenaked Ladies

[This Message Has Been Edited By JDanRyan On October 19, 2002 12:39 PM]

[JDanRyan]

Ah what the helll...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(Told to me by someone who did basic on Paris Island)

The new squad of Marines looked like a sorry bunch, but their drill instructor was hopeful anyway that he could get them through rifle practice.

"SQUAD!" he commanded. "POSITION FIVE HUN-dred YARDS!"

His troops took their position.

"FIRE!" he commanded.

When he got the marksman results, he was very diaspointed; not a one hit their mark.

"SQUAD!" he commanded. "TWO HUN-dred FIF-ty YARDS!" And when they got there, he barked "FIRE!"

To his dismay, not a mark was hit even from here.

"SQUAD!" he barked, agitated, "ONE HUN-DRED YARDS! DOUBLE TIME!"

Quickley they got to their position, and at the mark the drill instructor barked, "FIRE!"

Once again, not a target was hit.

Red and angry, he commanded, "FIF-ty YARDS, MAGGOTS! FIRE AT WILL!"

Nothing. Not even with his men close enought to spit at them.

It was too much for the dill instructor. "SQUAD! AFFIX BAYONETTES! PREPARE FOR CHARGE!!!"

------------------
"Democracies die behind closed doors" - Judge Damon J. Keith

"Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I don't make films
but if I did they'd have a Samurai"
-Barenaked Ladies

[JDanRyan]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By Drumhead15:
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your a** and go as a fudgesickle!"

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

So why didn't she get him a Green Lantern costume and have done with it...?

------------------
"Democracies die behind closed doors" - Judge Damon J. Keith

"Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I don't make films
but if I did they'd have a Samurai"
-Barenaked Ladies

[jtal909]

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, " OK, I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything!"

------------------
"Why don't you say it in your famous James Mason impersonation?" www.billyshearsband.com (http://www.billyshearsband.com)

[bearkat77]

Finals

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty wellon all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc.

Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time.

However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day.

The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points.

"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor for a check up.

The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!" http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/devious.gif

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Praying

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins.

Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out." came the harried reply.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

There was a college football coach that had a player on his team who was a bit slow. The Dean told him that if the player could learn the formula for water, then he would be allowed to play in the big game.

The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office and asked him to recite the formula for water.

The player grinned real big and said, "H I J K L M N O."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[JDanRyan]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor for a check up.

The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!" http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/devious.gif

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Reminds me of a cute story; not mine, this was actually used by Laurie Anderson:

There was an elderly couple who both had hearing problems. They decided to drive across the country together.

A few miles after they left their home in Brooklyn, their car alarm went off. It stayed on for the entire trip.

Near Chicago, the woman said, "It sounds like a swarm of bees."

He replied, "What?"

------------------
"Democracies die behind closed doors" - Judge Damon J. Keith

"Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I don't make films
but if I did they'd have a Samurai"
-Barenaked Ladies

[beatlegirl9977]

A man meets a pirate walking down the street. The man says to the pirate, "Wow! A real pirate! Tell me, how did you get that peg leg of yours?"

"Ar, a cannonball hit me leg in a battle at sea," the pirate says, "but this wooden leg suits me fine."

"And how did you get that hook?" the man asks.

"I was in a swordfight aboard me ship," the pirate said, once again proud of his actions, "and I lost me hand, but this hook is as useful as twenty hands!"

"And how did you get that patch over your eye?" the man says.

The pirate frowned this time. "Ar, well, I happened to look up at the sky while at sea and a seagull crapped in me eye."

"I wouldn't think that would make a person go blind," the man said. "Couldn't you just wipe it off?"

The pirate shook his head, embarrassed. "I tried...but, see, it was only a few minutes after I'd gotten me hook."


I know, it's goofy, but I thought it was funny when I heard it.... http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/smile.gif

------------------
Beatlegirl's World (http://beatlegirl.tripod.com) -- Home of fan fics "The Beatles: Live at 12 Cold Creek Street" and "Days in the Life"

[backtotheegg]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the
only hope." "Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200
for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to
smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


------------------
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

[backtotheegg]

Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He
spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his
shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear
said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly Frank decided to
accede to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I
maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better
to cooperate. Although he survived it would take several months before
Frank finally recovered.
Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"


------------------
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

[beatlebangs1964]

A king who lived in a grass and thatched castle on a tropical island always received a throne for a birthday gift. Every year he'd take the previous throne and store it in his attic.

One year, the attic caved in because of all the stashed thrones.

The moral of this story is, "Folks who live in grass houses should never stow thrones!"

------------------
Then we will remember things we said today. Yeah.
-- Beatles, 1964

With a love like that, you know you should be glad, yeah, yeah, yeah!
-- Beatles, 1963

Read www.rooftopsessions.com (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) for high caliber Beatles fan fiction.

BB1964

[beatlebangs1964]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By HMVNipper:
This one's a groaner, but I'll post it anyway...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller...She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."


<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Ow! Just OW! That one was so bad it HURT!

Susan, remember last year when you said you'd pay me back for my groaner? Consider the debt paid! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/joker.gif I am sorry, but this one HURT!



------------------
Then we will remember things we said today. Yeah.
-- Beatles, 1964

With a love like that, you know you should be glad, yeah, yeah, yeah!
-- Beatles, 1963

Read www.rooftopsessions.com (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) for high caliber Beatles fan fiction.

BB1964

[taxgirl]

A short one:

Who lives next door to Batman????


------------------
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

[taxgirl]

His neighbour.......

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh5.gif


------------------
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.

[beatlebangs1964]

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred. One to get the part and the rest to audition for it.

How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb, and the rest to share in the experience.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but only if the bulb really wants to change.

How many rednecks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The redneck would tell the bulb to sc*** itself in.

How many researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, the other to claim the credit.



------------------
Then we will remember things we said today. Yeah.
-- Beatles, 1964

With a love like that, you know you should be glad, yeah, yeah, yeah!
-- Beatles, 1963

Read www.rooftopsessions.com (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) for high caliber Beatles fan fiction.

BB1964

[JDanRyan]

re: Lightbulbs:

How many Congressmen with integrity does it take to change a lightbulb?

Both of them.

How many Bush Cabinet members does it take to change a lightbulb.

As many as you want, as long as you give them a chance to invade Iraq first...

How many Iraqis loyal to Sadaam Hussein does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends; if Sadaam declares the bulb never existed, who'd say otherwise?

How many Enron employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter, because Ken Lay took all the bulbs with him when he left...

How many Department of Justice lawyers working directly for John Ashcroft does it take to change a lightbulb?

NOTE: This answer is classified under the Patriot Act of 2001; dissemination of this information subjects the user to arrest without due process. You have been warned!

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/devil3.gif

------------------
"Democracies die behind closed doors" - Judge Damon J. Keith

"Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I don't make films
but if I did they'd have a Samurai"
-Barenaked Ladies

[LeonardaBeatle]

A jew, a christian, and a muslim are all on a crashing plane, and there's nothing they can do. The jew jumps out and yells, SHMA YISRAEL ADONAI ELOHENU ADONAI EHAD! {that's a jewish prayer that claims there's only 1 god}. A big hand comes down {god}, scoops him up, and puts him on the ground. 'Works for me' the muslim said, and jumped down and yelled the same thing. A big hand comes down, scoops him up, and puts him on the ground. 'Works for me' the christian said, and jumped out and yelled the same thing. A big hand came down and scooped him up as the christian said, 'jesus christ! it works!'

SPLAT!!

------------------
I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one.
Really wanna see you lord, but it takes so long my lord...

-Imagine & My Sweet Lord {my two favourite songs}

[beatlebangs1964]

An elderly man who lived in Ireland and was Catholic called his three sons to his side. He was dying.

"Brendan, Michael and Sean, I want you to go to St. Andrew's and get the Protestant minister," he told the boys.

"But you mean the Catholic Priest at St. Mary's," the three responded.

"I mean the minister! Go, get him NOW! I don't have much time left!" the old man thundered. The boys ran and brought back the Protestant minister.

The minister spent some time with the old man and when he left his bedside came out with a big grin on his face. "Boys, your father's converted. He's Protestant now," the minister said.

Shocked, the boys flocked to their dying father's side. "Why, Papa why," Brendan, the oldest moaned. "Why did you convert?"

"Boys, I figured it was better that one of them [Protestants] go than one of us," the old man said with a wink.

Bad joke, I know but I heard this one as an undergrad.

------------------
Then we will remember things we said today. Yeah.
-- Beatles, 1964

With a love like that, you know you should be glad, yeah, yeah, yeah!
-- Beatles, 1963

Read www.rooftopsessions.com (http://www.rooftopsessions.com) for high caliber Beatles fan fiction.

BB1964

[Harbidge]

A little bit in bad taste and a bit rude, but it's funny all the same.

You've been warned.


----------

A nun goes into a primary school so that she can go have a talk with the little kiddies.

She starts asking the children what they'd like to do when they grew up.

The first boy said "I want to be an F1 driver." The boy next to him wanted to be a doctor.

Then the nun came up to a small girl and asked her what she wanted to be. "I want to be a prostitute" came the reply.

The nun, in a cloud of shock and horror, fainted dead away.

After a bottle of smelling salts later, the nun came around and asked the girl to repeat herself.

"I want to be a prostitute" she repeated.

"Oh, thank the Lord for that!" said the nun. "I thought you said you wanted to become a protestant."


BOOM! BOOM!

------------------
Paul is Dead - the Conclusive Evidence (http://members.fortunecity.co.uk/paulisdead) - Officially the BEST website on the internet regarding the entire 'Paul is Dead' saga. Listing 300+ clues that are backed up with images and soundclips, this is THE place to go to learn everything about the worlds greatest rock and roll conspiracy.

Introducing the Beatles Authentification Guide (http://introducing.cjb.net) - Introducing the Beatles is the most counterfeited LP in modern recording history. Nearly every copy that turns up of this LP turns out to be fake. Come here to learn of all the mistakes the bootleggers made to determine whether or not your copy is real or fake.

[backtotheegg]

I cleaned this up the best I could!
Too funny not to post.Enjoy!

This was in the Washington Post ... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."
In summary, the police
arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA,
in a pumpkin patch at 11:38p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with
lewd and lascivious behavior,public indecency, and public intoxication at the
Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I
guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to
notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up (to Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in
the face and said: "A pumpkin? Damn...is it
midnight already?

------------------
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

[Drumhead15]

You've been to tiggy's rib ticklers haven't you nooch? http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/angel1.gif

"George was a best friend of mine. I loved him very much and I will miss him greatly. Both Barbara and I send our love and light to Olivia and Dhani. We will miss George for his sense of love, his sense of music, his sense of laughter." -Ringo Starr

[backtotheegg]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By Drumhead15:
You've been to tiggy's rib ticklers haven't you nooch? http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
No, I have not.A friend of mine sent that to me.



------------------
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

[dav-here]

Not really a joke, but I saw this on a bumper sticker at the mall the other week:

"Men are like floor tiles. If you lay 'em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life!"

Needless to say, my wife liked that one--ALOT!! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/rolleyes.gif

------------------
"No, actually, we're just good friends."

[backtotheegg]

This is a definite classic!

A little boy comes down for breakfast, since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's p!ssed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he
is walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you
going to tell him or should I?

------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

[backtotheegg]

Benny was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm
tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep,
and
after a whole day his legs became sun burnt beyond belief. He could
hardly
stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looked at Benny's lobster colored legs and shook his head.
"You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility,"
he
explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try
taking
one of these just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him some tablets
of
Viagra.

Puzzled, Benny asked, "Doc, I've got a wicked sunburn! What's a Viagra
tablet going to do?" "Unfortunately, not a thing for the sunburn," the
doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."

------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

[backtotheegg]

A madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking,
&gt; well-dressed, just past middle-aged gentleman. "Can I help you?" the
&gt; madam asked. "I want to see Natalie", the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie
&gt; is &gt;one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."No, I must
&gt; see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
&gt; charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his
&gt; pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an
&gt; hour whereupon the man calmly left.
&gt;
&gt; The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie
&gt; explained that it was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a
&gt; row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1000 a visit. Again
&gt; the man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later
&gt; he left.
&gt;
&gt; When he showed up the third consecutive night no one could believe it.
&gt; Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end
&gt; of the hour Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used my services
&gt; three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from
&gt; Philadelphia."
&gt; "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have family who lives there."
&gt; "Yes, I know", said the old man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's
&gt; attorney. She asked me to give you your $3000 inheritance
&gt;
&gt; THE MORAL OF THE STORY.........Some things in life are certain....death,
&gt; taxes and being screwed by a lawyer.


------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

[Harbidge]

An old man was walking along the pavement, when he stumbled apon a little boy sitting on the curb crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter little fellow?" asked the old man.

I'm crying because I can't do what the big people do.

The old man sat down next to him and started crying too.

------------------
Paul is Dead - the Conclusive Evidence (http://members.fortunecity.co.uk/paulisdead) - Officially the BEST website on the internet regarding the entire 'Paul is Dead' saga. Listing 300+ clues that are backed up with images and soundclips, this is THE place to go to learn everything about the worlds greatest rock and roll conspiracy.

Introducing the Beatles Authentification Guide (http://introducing.cjb.net) - Introducing the Beatles is the most counterfeited LP in modern recording history. Nearly every copy that turns up of this LP turns out to be fake. Come here to learn of all the mistakes the bootleggers made to determine whether or not your copy is real or fake.

[Harbidge]

A young gentleman was walking along the street when he saw an old man sitting on a bench crying his eyes out. The gentleman walked up to the old man and asked him what was wrong.

"This morning." said the old man "I got married to a 21 year old nymphomaniac. We regular make love up to 7 times a day, she does all my cooking, cleaning and washing, is a millionnairess and lives in a huge mansion and doesn't want for anything."

"Then why are you crying" asked the gentlemen.

"Because I can't remember where I live" came the reply.

------------------
Paul is Dead - the Conclusive Evidence (http://members.fortunecity.co.uk/paulisdead) - Officially the BEST website on the internet regarding the entire 'Paul is Dead' saga. Listing 300+ clues that are backed up with images and soundclips, this is THE place to go to learn everything about the worlds greatest rock and roll conspiracy.

Introducing the Beatles Authentification Guide (http://introducing.cjb.net) - Introducing the Beatles is the most counterfeited LP in modern recording history. Nearly every copy that turns up of this LP turns out to be fake. Come here to learn of all the mistakes the bootleggers made to determine whether or not your copy is real or fake.

[Magill]

I thought these were cute

Top Five Bumper Stickers

5. Impotence: Nature's way of saying no hard feelings.

4. The proctologist called: they found your head.

3. Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small to be out by itself.

2. Guys, just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one.

1. Hang up and drive!



------------------
"I'm not really a career person. I'm a gardner, basically." George, 2000

Soon we'll all be Brainwashed.

[Drumhead15]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By Magill:

3. Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small to be out by itself.


<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That is SO me! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh4.gif



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/angel1.gif

"George was a best friend of mine. I loved him very much and I will miss him greatly. Both Barbara and I send our love and light to Olivia and Dhani. We will miss George for his sense of love, his sense of music, his sense of laughter." -Ringo Starr

[shyGirl]

A Burning Bush?

George W. Bush was stranded at an airport while he was out on the campaign trail. In the lounge,he spotted an old man sitting all by himself, who looked awfully familiar.

So George W. approached the old man and said "Excuse me, sir, but aren't you Moses?"

The old man looked at him, got up, and walked away. George W. thought that was rather odd, but decided he mustn't have been Moses, after all.

A little while later, George W. saw the same man in the restroom, and couldn't overcome the feeling that he knew this man's name was Moses. "Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you again, but are you sure your name is not Moses?" But the old man just walked away.

When the airline finally called the passengers to board the plane, George W. sees the man yet again, and decides to try one more time: "I'm so sorry to keep bothering you, but I can't tell you how much you look like my friend Moses: are you SURE you're not Moses?"

The old man heaved a sigh, and said, "Yes, my name is Moses, but the last time I spoke to a Bush, I was sent into the wilderness for 40 years. So please leave me alone!"




------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/rocknroll.gif
Song of the moment-My Sweet Lord

shyGirl's Hideout (http://www.geocities.com/smw15/index.html)

"I get shy when they start to stare."

[Magill]

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

3. Deja moo. The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

4. Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're the one!

5. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

6. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

7. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.


------------------
"I'm not really a career person. I'm a gardner, basically." George, 2000

Soon we'll all be Brainwashed.

[backtotheegg]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the
same day so they could travel together[ After the examination, the
doctor
then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the
first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with
her
the second time, I am usually cold and chilly . After examining the
elderly
lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any
medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady
replied
that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked:

"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot
and
sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and
chilly
after the second time. Do you know why?

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time
is
usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"


------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

[bearkat77]

Women and Chinese Food

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study to determine why married women love Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is: Not Now.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Success

One day a man spotted an old brass lamp just laying by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed the dirt off of it, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has everattempted to do."

"Okay, sire, your wish is my command," said the genie. Poof! "And, now you are a housewife."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

Since Christmas is just around the corner, here's a good one about AOL.

12 Days Of AOL

On the twelfth day of AOL they gave to me,

12 reasons to cancel,

11 channels not working,

10 hours without mail,

9 frozen chat rooms,

8 hours of busy signals,

7 frozen IMs,

6 disconnection's,

5 web crashes,

4 idiots at tech help,

3 error messages,

2 pieces of junk mail,

and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[bearkat77]

For those that don't like having to deal with school personel. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/wink3.gif

The School Answering Machine

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent
- Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work
- Press 2

To complain about what we do
- Press 3

To swear at staff members
- Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you
- Press 5

If you want us to raise your child
- Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone
- Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year
- Press 8!

To complain about bus transportation
- Press 9

To complain about school lunches
- Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your children's lack of effort, hang up.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[backtotheegg]

Playing Mommy And Daddy

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother
enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You
can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go
outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?"

"I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if
you're taking a nap."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes
upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the
hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old
fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette
butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it
in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to
the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and asks, "What
do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs
and get that kid some ice cream!"


------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

[Clark Kent]

Why is your nose not twelve inches?
Because if it was it would be a foot.

------------------

[Drumhead15]

What is a specimen?

An Italian Astronaut!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/angel1.gif

"George was a best friend of mine. I loved him very much and I will miss him greatly. Both Barbara and I send our love and light to Olivia and Dhani. We will miss George for his sense of love, his sense of music, his sense of laughter." -Ringo Starr

[Siobhan]

For two years this guy has wanted to ask a certain girl out on a date, but has never had
the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.

After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet up, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).

They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They
decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.

After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of
gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh crap,' he thinks (and feels).

Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure
out what to do befure his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant.

Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too." she replies.

They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.

After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him
buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."

"What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)

Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car.

He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.

After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out

........just the sweater.


------------------
"With our love we could save the world"

[This Message Has Been Edited By Siobhan On November 15, 2002 06:18 AM]

[Drumhead15]

LOl, this is not a joke but funny just the same.

Today was my friend's 16th birthday, so all of us were picked up at school in a limo. Well anyway, we went and did some stuff and we were all in the limo just having fun with each other when all of a sudden, Eric throws a few ice cubes down the back of Thomas's shirt. That was it, the war was on. Anways, Eric ended up with a handful of ice down his boxers and ended up taking his khakis and handing them to me while he tried to shake the ice from his boxers. Lol, it was great.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/angel1.gif

"George was a best friend of mine. I loved him very much and I will miss him greatly. Both Barbara and I send our love and light to Olivia and Dhani. We will miss George for his sense of love, his sense of music, his sense of laughter." -Ringo Starr

[JDanRyan]

I saw a genie joke hear earlier up and was reminded of this one:

A US Ranger was on recon in the caves of Afghanistan, looking for bad guys, when he finds an old lamp, something dropped back when the Silk Road ran through there. He picked it up, rubbed it and out smoked a djinn it all its power.

"For freeing me from my prison," said the spirit, "I will grant you a wish. Name it, and it's yours."

The soldier was homesick and wanted to go back home to Lackawana, NY, so in an instant he pulled out his regional map, covering the entire potential theatre from Pakistan to Egypt, and he said, "I wish this entire area was at peace and safe, so that Americans would never again have to come over here and be involved in their fights."

The djinn shook its head. "Sadly, it is the will of Allah that this area will never know peace. To bring what you want about to these people will take more power than all the magic that can be summoned under Heaven."

Sadly, the soldier sighed and said, "Well, if I can't do that, then at least I can make a wish for the folks back home that the Buffalo Bills win the Superbowl."

The djinn nearly gagged, then quickly said, "Gimme the map again!"


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"Democracies die behind closed doors" - Judge Damon J. Keith

"Rule number one here is, there are no rules!
"Rule number two, no outside food."
-Mick Jagger on THE SIMPSONS

[shyGirl]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."


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http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/rocknroll.gif

Song of the moment-Yer Blues

shyGirl's Hideout (http://www.geocities.com/smw15/index.html)

"I get shy when they start to stare."

[backtotheegg]

A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for
some
condoms. The pharmacist says: "well they come in packs of 3, 9, and
12". The
kid says: "well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after
that
were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she's had me, she
wont
be able to get enough, so better make it twelve". Meanwhile he goes
home and
gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her
parents.
They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says
it and
goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: "you didn't tell
me
you were such a religious person", and he leans back and says: "you
didn't
tell me your dad was a pharmacist".

true story!



------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

[anurag]

1. Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep reading.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen!!!

2.Bizarre American CITIES

Hornyhead Branch, Alabama
Blue Ball, Delaware
Santa Claus, Georgia
Gay Head, Massachusetts
Hoop and Hollar, Texas
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Big Ugly, West Virginia
Jackass Acres, Arizona
Bitch Mountain, New York
Idiotville, Oregon
Hell, Michigan
Cumback, Indiana



------------------

[Siobhan]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all sat down together to have lunch during their break. The Englishman opened his sandwiches, looked at the filling and said "If my wife makes me ham sandwiches AGAIN tomorrow I am going to kill myself." The Scotsman looked at the filling in his sandwiches and said "If my wife makes me beef sandwiches AGAIN tomorrow I am going to kill myself too." The Irishman looked at the filling in his sandwiches and said "If I get chicken in my sandwiches AGAIN tommorow I will kill myself as well."

The next day the Englishman opened his sandwiches, saw that they were ham, and threw himself off a nearby cliff. The Scotsman looked at his sandwiches and when he saw that they were beef he followed the Englishman over the cliff. The Irishman looked at his chicken sandwiches and he too threw himself off the cliff.

At the funeral the wives of the three men stood together. The Englishman's wife said "If I had only known I would have made him something different." The Scotsman's wife said "If I had known I would have made him something different too." The Irishman's wife said "I wouldn't mind, but he made his own sandwiches."

------------------
"With our love we could save the world"

[leonardobeat]

A Czechoslovakian was with the oculist and the test began when the patient had to read what was written on the wall:

Kqxvzc
Ckzvnpq

Oculist: Are you able to tell me what is written there?
Patient: Of course, it is my friend's name.

------------------
Sir BeatLeo

[shyGirl]

Viva Las Vegas

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset.

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21. The voice says, "Damn."

[shyGirl]

Top 25 Signs You've Lived in the '90s Too Long

1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5. You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready and he emails you back asking, "What are we eating?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

9. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

10. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

11. Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox, asking you to send her JPEG files of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

14. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the next day it is just too slow.

15. Your stockbroker's name ends in .com.

16. A blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met before.

17. Most of your books are bought online. "Real world" bookstores are now prized as your favorite cafe to hang out, work, and