A Few Clean Laughs Part V [Archive] - BeatleLinks Fab Forum

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:35 AM

Stories from travel agents

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He
said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle
of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the
map and Florida is a very thin state."

~~~~~

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She
gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find
I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of
hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood
for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of LA

~~~~~

A lady called and asked to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told
her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

~~~~~

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be
cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:39 AM

Why Adam was the luckiest man alive...

He had no in-laws to drop in.

There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

He never had to shovel snow!

If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal?

He is the ONLY man who has never been compared to the man
she could have married.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:40 AM

Actual things doctors have written on patient's charts

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and
handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until1989 when she got a divorce.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
.
She is numb from her toes down.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and
sent home.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:41 AM

Cross breeding dogs is a common practice. Here is what
you might get when you cross a.....

Collie & Lhasa Apso........Collapso, a dog that folds up for
easy transport.

Spitz & Chow Chow......Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

Pointer & Setter..... Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Pekingese & Lhasa Apso.......Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Newfoundland & Basset Hound......Newfound Asset Hound, a
dog for financial advisors.

Terrier & Bulldog......Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound & Labrador.....Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Collie & Malamute.......Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound & Terrier......Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:43 AM

In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband,
"Oh Dear, George! I'm sure I left the iron on. I'm afraid the house
is going to burn down!"
George: "The house will not burn down, dear."
Wife: "Now, how can you make a statement like that?"
George: "Because I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:43 AM

The tireseome jury selection process continued, each side
hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
"Property holder?" the judge asked the old professor.
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married almost forty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in almost forty years, Your Honor."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:44 AM

A wise schoolteacher sends this note home to all parents
on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe
everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise
not to believe everything he/she says happens at home."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:44 AM

A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his
congregation.
"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world,"
said the aged one.
"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman.
"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived
them all!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:46 AM

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten
ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and
as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back
in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes
out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the
cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty,
explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say
good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry
I took so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under
the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her
to come out!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:51 AM

"The mathematical probability of a common cat doing exactly as
it pleases is the one scientific absolute in the world."
--Lynn M. Osband--

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:52 AM

CAT COMMANDMENTS
(make sure your "critter" reads these...)

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human
is using the computer.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of
the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor
as thou are not transparent.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap.

Thou shalt not climb on garbage cans with hinged lids,
as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are
guests in thy house.

Thou shalt remember that thou art a carnivore and that
houseplants are not meat.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence
licking thy butt.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 02:59 AM

IT'S ALL IN THE NAME

Lawyer's daughter..... Sue

Thief's son.....Rob

Lawyer's son.....Will

Doctor's son.....Bill

Meteorologist's daughter.....Haley

Justice of the peace's daughter.....Mary

Sound stage technician's son.....Mike

Hot-dog vendor's son.....Frank

Gambler's daughter.....Bette

Cattle thief's son.....Russell

Painter's son.....Art

Iron worker's son.....Rusty

TV show star's daughter.....Emmy

Movie star's son.....Oscar

Barber's son.....Harry

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:00 AM

Things actually(??) said by airline attendants on flights....

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine
cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child
......pick your favorite.

A flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,
big fella. WHOA!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:05 AM

THINGS MY MAMA TAUGHT ME

She taught me there is a time and a place for everything.....

"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning the house."

She taught me logic......
"Because I said so, that's why."

Mama taught me control.....
"Keep laughing, and I will give
you something to cry about."

She taught me about the science of osmosis.....
"Shut your
mouth and eat your supper."

Mama taught me about being a contortionist.....
"Look at the back of your neck, it's filthy."

Mama taught me about stamina....
"You will sit there until all
that spinach is finished."

Mama taught me about straight talk....
"If I told you once, I told
you a trillion times, don't exaggerate."

And last, but far from least, my good Mama taught me
religion.....
"You had better pray that the stuff you spilled
will come out of the carpet."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:11 AM

IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY...

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a
known resident.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later
with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most
new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox
with garbage, and vacate before sunup.

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your
license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store
by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS
TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:18 AM

THE FAITH OF OUR LITTLE ONES

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when
You are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his
bowling words in the house?
-Anita

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with
so much hair all over.
-Sam

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:18 AM

GRANDMA

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.

But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

Author Unknown

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:19 AM

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
-- Danish proverb --

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:19 AM

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing
the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use
the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:22 AM

As an elderly lady was boarding the plane, she said to
the flight attendant, "Do these things crash very often?"
The attendant replied, "No, just once!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:22 AM

Jack and Jill went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted
a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the
difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't,
Jill replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect
we'll run into too much traffic out here."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:23 AM

A doctor examined a very sick woman, took the husband
aside, and said: "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great
cook and a wonderful mother to our kids."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:23 AM

My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging
for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged
creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's
not an earthworm."
"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:30 AM

"There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that
enables one to come off as a sane person."
--Dan Greenberg--

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:41 AM

The following are real(??) conversations Directory Enquiry
Operators had with callers...

C = Caller and O = Operator.

C: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
O: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?
C: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell
off.
~~~~~~~
C: I'd like the RSPCA please.
O: Where are you calling from?
C: The living room
~~~~~~~
C: The water board please.
O: Which department?
C: Tap water
~~~~~~~
C: I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.
O: Do you have his name?
C: No, but he has a dog named Ben.
~~~~~~~
C: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
O: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
C: Er, yes.
~~~~~~~
C: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
O: I can't find a town called "Woven"? Are you sure?
C: Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:42 AM

A COWBOYS GUIDE TO LIFE

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The
colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. (And I guess the
feathers would be more chewer, too!!)

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth
is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:44 AM

WORDS OF WISDOM

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, age14

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, age 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, age 9

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
-Naomi, age15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, age 9

Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, age 8

Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, age 9

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:48 AM

BUMPER "SNICKERS"

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at
the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're
in the bathroom.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat
belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:49 AM

A DIETER'S RULES FOR CHOCOLATE

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're
eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. (Odd, my hubby
told me this once.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate,
is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you
look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out
of the chocolate to protect themselves.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:50 AM

The Dog's Cold Nose

When Noah, perceiving 'twas time to embark,
Persuaded the creatures to enter the Ark,
The dog, with a friendliness truly sublime,
Assisted in herding them two at a time.

He drove in the elephants, zebras and gnus
Until they were packed like a box full of screws,
The cat in the cupboard, the mouse on the shelf,
The bug in the crack; then he backed in himself.

But such was the lack of available space
He couldn't tuck all of him into the place;
So after the waters had flooded the plain
And down from the heavens fell blankets of rain
He stood with his muzzle thrust out through the door
The whole forty days of that terrible pour!

Because of which drenching, zoologists hold,
The nose of a healthy dog always is cold!

By Arthur Guiterman

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:53 AM

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking
up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he
decided to talk to God.
"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:53 AM

Morris Epstein was taking an oral examination, applying
for his US citizenship papers.
He was asked to spell "cultivate". He spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence.
He looked up, smiled up and said, " Last vinter on a very
cold day I vas vaiting for a bus. But it vas too cultivate,
so I took de subway home."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:54 AM

My ten-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth
had come out. We checked and, sure enough, a piece
had broken off.
Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my husband,
"What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half
a tooth?"
"Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth, the whole
tooth, and nothing but the tooth."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:56 AM

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to
the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.

After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute.

He pulls that cord. Nothing happens.

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes.
Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time
scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything
about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas
stoves?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 03:59 AM

In a shady nook one moonlit night,
A leprechaun I spied
In scarlet coat and cap of green,
A cruiskeen by his side.
'Twas tick, tack, tick, his hammer went,
Upon a weeny shoe,
And I laughed to think of a purse of gold,
But the fairy was laughing too.

With tip-toe step and beating heart,
Quite softly I drew nigh.
There was mischief in his merry face,
A twinkle in his eye;
He hammered and sang with tiny voice,
And sipped the mountain dew;
Oh! I laughed to think he was caught at last,
But the fairy was laughing, too.

As quick as thought I grasped the elf,
"Your fairy purse," I cried,
"My purse?" said he, "'tis in her hand,
That lady by your side."
I turned to look, the elf was off,
And what was I to do?
Oh! I laughed to think what a fool I'd been,
And, the fairy was laughing too.

Robert Dwyer Joyce

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:01 AM

Teenagers and Cats: They have a lot in common!

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you
call them by name.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an
adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teen
in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his
or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat
nor your teen will crack a smile.

No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for
hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy - a sense
of complete and utter boredom

Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:06 AM

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:07 AM

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:07 AM

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:08 AM

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:09 AM

WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST BUT DON'T

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) -- adj. Possessing the
ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) -- n. When a hamburger can't take
any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') -- v. To sterilize the piece of candy
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming
this will `remove' all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) -- n. The actions of two people
maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is
embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:09 AM

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life." --Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate
why she should become spokesperson for a federal
anti-smoking campaign.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:10 AM

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying
of something else anyway." -- Member of a Texas pesticide
review board, speaking about the pesticide chlordane.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:10 AM

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people
who make them unsafe." --Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief
and mayor of Philadelphia

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:11 AM

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of
principal, the school department is extremely pleased to
announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
--Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:11 AM

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
--Baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after
being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:25 AM

DAFFY DEFINITION

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both
ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are
born and after they are dead.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

WRINKLES: Something other people have.
You have character lines.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:28 AM

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and
she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, " In our family we call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:28 AM

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just
before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Darn!
There goes another one!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:29 AM

Bass and Walleye,
Catfish and Trout,
I'm telling you now,
You better watch out
You were safe in the lakes,
While I was home wishing,
But be on your guard
Cause I'm going fishing!!!!!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:32 AM

There was a World Science Competition and the three
finalists were an Englishman, an American and an Irishman.
To decide the winner, the judging panel gave each of the
men a large, hairy spider and asked them to come back in
a week's time with a new fact about the spider.

A week expires and the Englishman appears before the panel.
"I have discovered that spiders are hairy", he announces. Of
course, the judging panel dismisses him immediately.

The American appears before the panel. "Spiders are
arachnids" he says. He is escorted from the building.

Finally, the Irishman appears before the panel and places
his spider on the table in front of them.
"Spider, move forwards!" he commands - and the spider
moves forwards. "Spider, move backwards!" he orders - and
the spider moves backwards. The spider does the same thing
to the commands "right" and "left."

The judging panel sits and waits. Suddenly, the Irishman
pulls out an enormous carving knife and chops off all the
spider's legs!!!

"Spider, move forwards!" he commands - and of course the
spider doesn't move anywhere. "Spider, move backwards!"
he orders - still no movement.
"Spider, move to the left" - nothing. "Spider, move to the right" -
the judging panel begins to exchange glances. "Spider, move
back to the middle" - and the spider has not moved an inch.

"Well?" asks the chairman of the panel. "And what have you
discovered about spiders from this experiment?

The Irishman replies, "Spiders hear with their legs!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:38 AM

"To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of
conviction--and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to
come by."--Stephen Baker--

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:39 AM

Dear Madam,

Below are instructions on how to clean that delightful little
fur-ball, the CAT.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
the lid. (You may need to stand on the lid so he can not escape.)
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge,
as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash
and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and quickly lift both
lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside,
where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:53 AM

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE POTATOES

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are
content to watch others ...
They are called "Speck Taters."

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at
finding fault with the way others do things...
They're called "Comment Taters."

Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what
to do, but of course they do not wish to soil their hands.
You might call that type "Dick Tators."

Some are always looking to cause problems and really
get under your skin...
They are called "Aggie Taters."

There are those who are always saying they will, but
somehow, they never get around to it...
We call them "Hezzie Taters."

Some people put on a front and act like someone else...
They're called "Emma Taters."

Then, there are those who walk what they talk.
They're always prepared to stop what they're doing
to lend a hand to others, and bring real sunshine into
the lives of others....
You can call them "Sweet Taters."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 04:55 AM

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS
written by children

Better to be Safe Than........ Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The........ Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of........ Termites.

Don't Bite The Hand That........ Looks Dirty.

A Miss Is As Good As A........ Mr.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll........ Stink In The Morning.

A Penny Saved Is........ Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's........ The Musketeers.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind........ Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like........ Aunt Edna.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And...... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 05:09 AM

SHORTEST BOOKS THAT WILL EVER BE WRITTEN

Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Everything Men Know About Women

Everything Women Know About Men

George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

The Amish Phone Directory

Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 05:27 AM

Excerpts from a "DOG'S" dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling
you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white
bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered
couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food
and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close
as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor,
or better yet, on their laps.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an
end.Most humans remain amazingly calm during thunder-
storms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by
trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly,
and following at their heels.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe
your whiskers clean.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 05:33 AM

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family followed an Amish
carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense
of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was
a hand printed sign:"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats
and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 05:34 AM

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their
clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away
MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because
they don't scare Grizzly Bears.
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail,
paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert
for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in
it.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 05:35 AM

The young woman was talking to her girlfriend....."My psychiatrist
told me yesterday that the way to achieve true inner peace is to
always finish what I start. I think I'm getting the hang of it--So
far
today I've finished a bag of cheetos, a six-pack of beer, and the
chocolate cake I baked for my mother's birthday party tomorrow."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On March 22, 2002 05:35 AM]

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 05:40 AM

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room, dragging a wet
rabbit on a leash.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her and then the soaking-wet rabbit jumps
up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, Fluffy!" the woman shouts. "Don't you want to be
a good little rabbit?"

Apparently not, because Fluffy, still wet, jumps onto the
floor and shakes furiously, spraying water on everyone
and then proceeds to squat and urinate, right there in the
middle of the room.

"Darn it, Fluffy!" the woman screams, and then, mortified by
Fluffy's behavior, she turns to the other people in the room
and says, "Please forgive me, I've just washed my hare, and
I can't do a thing with it!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:05 AM

Osama bin Laden's To-Do-List

Shave, change gender, bleach hair blond, change name
to "Desiree" and move to Paris to pursue my dream of
being a dancer!

Unplug flashing neon "Osama's Place!" sign.

Order another gross of Change of Address cards.

Delete Pakistani prime minister from my AOL Buddy List.

Order some gingham curtains from Pottery Barn to brighten
up the cave.

Have Cosmo subscription forwarded to Hindu Kush bunker.

Call Century 21. List the cave. Stat!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:06 AM

First young woman: "Did anything exciting happen with
your blind date last night?"
Second woman: "Yeah, his guide dog bit me...."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:06 AM

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people
can hold theirs.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:07 AM

Sign found in a gym: Dieting is the punishment you get
for exceeding the feed limit.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:08 AM

Have you heard about the restaurant opened by a cannibal?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:08 AM

Have you heard about the new airline for old people?
Its called Incontinental.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:09 AM

I had a little chicken and he wouldn't lay an egg,
So I poured hot water up and down his leg
And my little chickey hollered and my little chickey begged,
And my little chickey laid me a hard-boiled egg.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:13 AM

Looney License Plates

CYIMBRK
"See why I'm broke".......found on a Cherry 95 ford 3/4 ton truck

OH2B39.........A woman in her early 50's has had this plate for
about the last ten years

9MPGWOW
"9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow!".......on a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille

W8N4FRI........."Waitin' for Friday" (my kind of owner!!)

ZMEGOBYU........"See me go by you!" (wonder if that was
on a motor scooter??)

CME4DK........."See me for decay"......on a dentist's car
(OWEE would have fit better!!)

EIEIO......An old farmer in Monmouth County, whose
name is really McDonald

ML8ML8
I'm late, I'm late (for a very important date)...........
on a white Volkswagen Rabbit!!!!!!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:14 AM

BUMPER SNICKERS

I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.

I got this motorhome for my wife....BEST deal I ever made!

Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?

Are you happy or are you married?

The Big Bang Theory -- God spoke and BANG, it happened!

You're Village Called, Their Idiot Is Missing.

If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:24 AM

My husband, an Army drill sergeant, was on a training
exercise in the California desert. "The nights are cold and
lonely," he wrote to me. "All I can think about is how much
I miss you and how cold my feet are. Could you please
send me something to make the nights more tolerable?"
Determined to boost his morale, I sent him a picture of
myself posing in a revealing negligee. Two weeks later,
I received this note: "Honey, you look great! Now can you
send me some wool socks?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:25 AM

As a C-130 pilot in the Air National Guard, I drive to my
base several times a month for practice flights, wearing
my flight suit. On the way home late one night, my car's
engine quit, and I coasted to a stop within sight of an
isolated farmhouse. When I knocked on the door, a
young woman answered.
"I was on my way home from the Guard air base, but ran
out of gas," I explained, holding up a one-gallon gas can
to make my predicament clear. "May I use your telephone?"
The woman stared at my flight suit and stammered, "But
where did you land?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:25 AM

In Saudi Arabia for two months, one of my female soldiers
hadn't received a letter from her husband, who was also
deployed in the Gulf. She was frustrated with the military
postal system. Then her husband's detachment sergeant
arrived unexpectedly in our camp and reported to the
commander's tent.
"Did you bring Sergeant Guzman's mail?" I asked.
"I did better than that, sir," he said. "I brought her m-a-l-e!
And he's with her now."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:25 AM

While my husband was stationed at George Air Force Base
near Victorville, Calif., my sister and her family came for a visit.
One afternoon we took them on a tour of the base. Since my
civilian sister had never been on a military installation before,
she was impressed with our self-contained "city" -- grocery store,
department store, gas station and even a golf course.
Near the end of our drive, we were on a road parallel to the
air-base runway. "Wow!" she said when she spotted the control
tower. "You even have your own airport!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:26 AM

LAWFUL LAWYERS
Some "punnies" and "funnies" about lawyers

Lawyers wear law suits.

Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.

A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his
fax straight.

A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour
milk in a dairy case?

The lawyer who handled an arson case about a burned down post
office figured that it must be blackmail.

And lawyers so often become judges......
If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle
of a sentence, it's a judge.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:28 AM

Alimony: An allowance which enables a woman who was
unhappily married to be happily unmarried.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:28 AM

What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a
rabbit hole? .............Hot cross bunnies!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:28 AM

Overheard when listening to a 1st grader......"My mommy
likes Microsoft Windows `cause she never has to wash them."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:29 AM

Accept what you cannot change, especially if it's in large
denominations.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:29 AM

As I was getting into my car, this man says to me,
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said, "Sure! You look great, the world's your oyster,
you have nice teeth, your hair is fantastic........"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:29 AM

Q: Why are elephants big, wrinkled, gray, and hairy?
A:Because if they were small, smooth, white, and
hairless, they'd be aspirin.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:30 AM

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the
house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Ma in her kerchief and me in my cap
Had just settled down for a long winters nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

The outhouse was wrecked and the lawn it was strew
With presents, a sled, 8 reindeer--two by two.
When out of the mire a fat old man rose
Brushing and wiping the stuff off his clothes.
I heard him exclaim to a reindeer, "You louse!
I told you the next was to be the SCHMIDT house."
He picked up the presents and packed up the sled
And climbed in it quickly still shaking his head.
And I heard him exclaim as he passed by quite near.
"Thank goodness that Christmas comes just once a year!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:30 AM

A friend's grandson, 4, was reading with his granddad
about Adam and Eve. He asked his grandfather,
"Is this where God took out the man's brain and made
a woman?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:31 AM

My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a
prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we
began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of
course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike,
etc. They soon learned the more important things which
should be included in the prayer.
At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine
year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:
"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls,
the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread
stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let
us choke on this food."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:31 AM

"Now remember boys and girls," said the science teacher.
"You can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross
section. One ring for each year."
Alec went home for dinner and found they were having a
jellyroll for dessert. "I'm not eating that, Mom," he said,
"It's five years old."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:31 AM

My neighbor was telling me about her toddler Allison:
I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old checkup.
They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks,
and they watch and see if they walk properly.
And then the doctor said, 'Allison, can you stand on one
foot for me?'
So Allison walked over and stood on his foot.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:32 AM

Clifton, 3, was interested on how big he was getting.
Almost every day he would go to his mother, stand as
tall as he could and say,"Look how big I am!"
One day as he did this, standing as tall as he could, saying
again how big he was he said, "Look how big I am! My legs
go all the way up to my butt!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:35 AM

TOWN TICKLERS

Nowhere, Oklahoma

Unalaska, Alaska

Why, Arizona

Smackover. Arkansas

Dunmovin, California

Frostproof, Florida

Papa, Hawaii

Toad Hop, Indiana

Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky

Bean's Corner Bingo, Maine

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:39 AM

Daffy Dog Definitions

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's
business end; repeat several times, or until your person
makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put
out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand
on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose.
If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers
to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their
person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms
include staring blankly at the person, then running in the
opposite direction, or lying down.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes,
and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket
and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes
home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor,
walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and
frequently.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when a
Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require; especially
effective when combined with the Sniff. See above.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:40 AM

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first
blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says,
"Where?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:41 AM

As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said,
"All you can drink for a dime."
So some kid would come up, plunk down his dime, drink
a glass, and say, "Refill it."
I'd say, "That'll be another dime."
"How come? Your sign says -- All you can drink for a dime!"
"Well, you had a glass didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"Well, that's all you can drink for a dime."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:41 AM

My brother and his wife shared their apartment with
a parakeet named "Nicky." The exterminator was
scheduled to come, so my sister-in-law put Nicky in
the bedroom and hung a sign on the door: "Please skip
this room. Do not open door. Pet flies."
The exterminator came. On his receipt he wrote this
comment: "Finished all of the apartment except room
with pet flies."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:42 AM

What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist
as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you
get a bicycle."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:43 AM

To My Darling Husband,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company
envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the
deception, but I thought you should know what's been
going on since your computer entered our lives three
years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts.
He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures
were good but yours was excellent!!. The chair and back of
your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little
Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at
that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her
birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was
stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted
to discover that it really was more fun.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since
I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the
feather duster made you sneeze. The house is in good shape.
I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you
noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop
cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip
and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper
to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things
in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the
computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the
computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,
Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your
disks are booting.

With Love,
Mary

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:46 AM

My good friend.....

Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake
with a slope.

Got fired working in a pharmacy typing medicine labels,
because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months
and the box said "2 to 4 years".

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition,
complained that the other swimmers had used their arms.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:51 AM

A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man
while he was getting a shave and a haircut in the barber
shop. The man said, "How about a date later?"
"I'm married," she answered.
With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out
with your girlfriends."
"Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:51 AM

A man had just taken his annual physical exam and was
waiting for the doctor's initial report. After a few minutes
the doctor came in with his charts in hand and said to the
man, "There is no reason why you can't live a completely
normal life---- as long as you don't try to enjoy it."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:52 AM

The father of three small children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should get
the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who
never talks back to mother? W does everything she says?"
Three small voices answered in unison, "Okay, Daddy,
you get the toy."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:52 AM

A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill
in Washington. The department head who was giving him
his instructions said, "And another thing. You must always
remember the telephone number here. IF you are ever
calling in from an outside line you must dial Capitol
4-3121."
Then, noticing the puzzled look on the page's face, he said,
"What's the matter? You look as though you don't understand."
"Oh, nothing's the matter," the page said. "I just don't know how
to dial a capital four!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 06:58 AM

Cats are better than men because...

Cats don't need high-tech toys - a grocery bag will do.
(Or the undies you forgot to pick up and put in the wash!)

Cats don't pick their teeth with match book covers.
(Maybe with the bones of a dead bird but NEVER
a matchbook, how uncouth!!)

You'll never hear a cat burp at the table.
(Well, maybe barf up that bird but never burp!)

Cats never complain about your mother.
(Oh, what joy, what joy!! Come on down Mom!!)

A cat doesn't need to go out in the woods with other
cats, beat drums, light fires, and dance to get in touch
with his cathood. (Nor drink beer, tell war stories, compare
conquest notes....)

A cat would never hang a moosehead in the living room.
(Might "drag in a trophy (right, Deon?) but never want to
display it to strangers!)

And the number one reason cats are better than men...

They don't leave the toilet seat up.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:03 AM

DAFFY DEFINITIONS

Rampage..............Section of a book about male sheep

Seamstress.........The results of 200 lbs. stuffed into a size
6 dress

Toiletry.................Where you go while on a wilderness camping
trip.

Quarterback....... What you'll never get if you misdial from a pay
phone.

Yale............What southern cheerleaders do.

Lite Year.......365 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's
less filling:

Half of a large intestine.........A semicolon

And *MY* favorite....
Manure............The way you say "Mother was acquainted with the
girl ."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:03 AM

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving
in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window
and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer
tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am
an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma
attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the
station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either.
I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry,
officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic.
If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right,
then I need you to come out here and walk this white
line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk"!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:04 AM

Did ya hear about the two wannabe police dogs named
Timex and Rolex? Well.....they were really watchdogs!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:04 AM

The officer reported to his sergeant about having no
luck with the witness they had to a crime.
"Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every
question you could come up with?" asked the sergeant.
"We certainly did," replied the officer.
"And?" yelled the sergeant.
The officer said, "Well, all he said was 'Yes, dear,
you're right', and then dozed off!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:05 AM

The police lieutenant asked the eyewitness, "How far
were you from the deceased when he was shot?"
The eye witness said, "Thirty-two feet, seven and a
half inches."
"How can you be so exact?"
"I figured some idiot might ask me, so I measured it!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:05 AM

Take a sheet from a tablet. Fold it into an airplane.
Launch it across the room. You have now created .......
flypaper.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:06 AM

Frogs are smart--they eat what bugs them.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:07 AM

The IQ and life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other going in the opposite
directions.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:09 AM

REDNECK RULES

Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where
the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

When wanting a date, be aggressive. Let her know you are
interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read
that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

And if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for
your reputation.

It's okay to bring a date to the wedding, unless you are
the groom.

Remember, it's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a
natty appearance.

And the number one thing you must ALWAYS do......

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:11 AM

THE WAR OF THE FAT PILLS

By Bruce Cameron

In what I suppose is meant to be some sort of subtle hint,
my wife recently went out and bought me what looks like
a two-gallon bucket full of fat pills.

Now, when I say "fat pills," I don't mean the pills themselves
are fat, though to be sure they are each large enough to
initiate my gag reflex -- I mean the pills are designed, in
the words of the label, "to seek out and burn fat globules
and molecules in the body."

Fat GLOBULES? Sure, I'll admit I've got a molecule or two,
but in my opinion they don't add up to a globule.

I picture these little search-and-destroy pills when they hit
my body, and imagine it must go something like this:

Commander: All right, spread out. I want everyone looking
for globules. Let's move!

Radio Specialist: Sir! We've got an early report from the buttocks.

Commander: Put 'em on. Buttocks, what have you got?

Buttocks: Sir! Well, I've never seen anything quite like this, sir.
Everything here is pretty...compressed.

Commander: What do you mean?

Buttocks: It's as if it has been subjected to long periods of
compression forces, sir. This whole area -- it apparently
supports most of the weight of the body most of the time.

Commander: Any globules?

Buttocks: Yes, sir, but they've been pretty much squashed flat.

Commander: You'd better pull out of there, Buttocks. This
doesn't sound right. Sparks! Get me Legs on the horn.

Legs: Sir, Legs reporting, sir!

Commander: Legs, I'm hearing from Buttocks that most of
the support for this guy seems to be up in his area. What
do you see down there?

Legs: Well, sir, we've now reconnoitered the whole area,
and it looks pretty hairy.

Commander: Lots of globules, eh?

Legs: No, sir, I mean really HAIRY. He's got more fur than
a malamute, down here. And you've never seen skin this
white, either. What's with this guy? Has he never been out
in the sun?

Commander: We don't know much about him, Legs. Took
us four attempts just to defeat his gag defenses, I'll tell you that.

Legs: Well, I've got two little girls, commander, and I wouldn't
want them exposed to anything like this.

Commander: What about fat, anything?

Legs: No, sir. Just some gristle. Hair, gristle, and bleached
skin. It's pretty disgusting.

Commander: All right, fall back. I've got a feeling we're
going to need you in the gut area.

Radio Specialist: Sir! Urgent report from Belly!

Commander: Belly, come in!

Belly: Sir, Belly here. Sir, I've...we're in big trouble, sir.

Commander: Steady on, son. You got a globule down there?

Belly: Not just a globule, sir. It's a...well, it's as if all the
fat
in the world has combined into a super-globule, sir. We're
not going to be able to breech this without some liposuction.

Commander: Negative on the lipo-sucker, we don't have
one this mission.

Belly: Well, sir, these buttresses were constructed by Coors
and Budweiser. Looks like they spent more than two decades
getting ready for us.

Commander: Where are you?

Belly: Well, we tried to hunker down behind the abdomen
muscles, but there aren't any. This guy can't have done a
sit-up since 1969. We're totally exposed here, sir, and my
men are getting nervous.

Commander: Roger that. Retreat down the alimentary
and await extraction. No use in even trying.

Per the label, these fat-burners are effective "when combined
with diet and exercise." Well, if I were doing that, I wouldn't
need the pills, now would I? I'm also put off by the fact that
they're manufactured from "all-natural ingredients." Well, I've
seen nature; it's on TV almost every night, and I've been to its
web site, so I have news for the fat-burner people: Nature
doesn't MAKE pills.

Where these pills are most effective is in silencing my critics
whenever I reach for a bowl of ice cream. With my other hand,
I pop a couple of fat burners, and whatever my wife was about
to say evaporates from her lips as if extracted by a lipo-sucker.

As far as I'm concerned, these babies are worth their weight in gold.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:11 AM

Dish Bottom Phobia

I know I just ate some ten minutes ago,
But I felt in the mood for a snack
And, lo and behold, when I looked in my dish,
I saw the dish bottom look back.
See? Come and see if I'm telling the truth!
Oh. this has upset me severely!
Yes I know there's kibble on that side and this,
But I can see dish-bottom clearly!

I stared in the dish and I measured the place
That was empty,and let out a cry -
What if I finished this part and that part?
It would all be dish-bottom! I'd die!
How can you cruelly ignore my complaint?
The kibble was low, and you knew it!
You're acting as if it was piled to the rim
While I can see dish-bottom through it!

I nibbled some here and I nibbled some there
And I dropped one or two, being furious,
But nothing improved in this tragic affair,
The state of my dish is so serious!
I'm not kidding! Oh, please come and see the
bare spot
On the dish bottom, do as I wish!
Then I guess you don't care if I'm starving
or not,
So I'll eat from the other cat's dish.

By Sharon Goodman

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:19 AM

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to
a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection,
a little tenderness?"
"It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
--George Burns

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:19 AM

"The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training.
Which I think is important, because when we want to potty-train
the baby, we should set a good example." --Howie Mandel

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:20 AM

"If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum." --Unknown

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:20 AM

"Funny how a wife can spot a blonde hair at twenty yards, yet
miss the garage doors." --Corey Ford

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:25 AM

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law
declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.
But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I
develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."
"Well", she asked, "how long did you cook it?"
"You're supposed to COOK it?" he said

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:25 AM

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one
day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for
my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job
on a very difficult project.
As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office
for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said,
"Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's
new secretary."
Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "OH? Really?
WERE you???"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:26 AM

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted,
"I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:26 AM

Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found
all their churches had bat-infestation problems.
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them.
It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."
"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove
50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."
"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.
"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.
"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied.
"I haven't seen them since."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:26 AM

A man, fond of practical jokes, late one night sent his friend
a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."
A week later the joker received a heavy parcel. Collect. On
which he had to pay considerable charges. On opening it,
he found a big block of concrete on which was pasted this
message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 22, 2002, 07:29 AM

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory,
being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether
to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in America,
yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do
something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let
you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it
will
help your decision."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach
with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.
"If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting
about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as
enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered
his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to
check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming
amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured
by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and severe
disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I
visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What
happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful
women playing in the water????

"Oh, replied God, " that was just a demo."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:47 AM

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of
language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you
don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car
won't start."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:48 AM

A young boy attended his first Sunday School
class and he was relating the events of the day
to his mother. "We sang a song about a bear,"
he proudly said.

"You sang a song about a bear?" His mother
asked.

"Yes," he piped up. "We sang a song about
a bear that was cross-eyed."

His mother blinked. "You sang a song about
a bear that was cross-eyed?" she asked,
wondering what this had to do with Sunday
School.

"Uh-huh. We sang a song about a bear that
was cross-eyed and his name was Gladly,"
her son explained.

His mother pressed. "What do you mean?"

With a big smile, he said, "We sang 'Gladly,
the Cross-eyed Bear.'"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:49 AM

"If you play with a cat, you must not mind her
scratch."
-- Yiddish Proverb

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:49 AM

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
-- English proverb

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:49 AM

"You will always be lucky if you know how to
make friends with strange cats."
-- Colonial American proverb

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:50 AM

"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats."
-- Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:50 AM

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe
they are G-d."
-- Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:50 AM

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped
as g-ds. Cats have never forgotten this."
-- Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:50 AM

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they
are subtle and will pee on your computer."
-- Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:51 AM

"CAT (n): 1. Furry keyboard cover 2. Alarm clock"
-- Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:51 AM

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants
breakfast."
-- Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:51 AM

"This house is owned & operated solely for the
comfort & convenience of the CATS!"
-- Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:52 AM

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
-- Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:52 AM

"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss
him sometimes."
-- Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:57 AM

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day.

So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of
the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening
their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway
occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said, "Those are my emergency flashers!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:58 AM

Cajun Airline

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines
to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and
Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an
stuff.

Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around
And Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start
driftin.

Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was
sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.
Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he
start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla
"May Day! May Day!

Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock
Unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don
you worry a bout nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land
dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee!
Jus leave anyting ta us.

Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot
ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."

No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude,
an where you location?"

Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude,
an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah
needs to know how many feet you got off da
groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say,
"Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder,
we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane
related to you airport!"

A long pause ----- de silence was deafanin.
"We needs to know whoo you next of kin..."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 12:59 AM

Speed Limit

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22
mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the
vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the
front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I
was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the
route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and
thanked him for pointing out her error.

Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car
okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
119."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 05:22 PM

When there was an unexpected knock on my door,
I first opened the peephole and asked,"Who's
there?"

"Parcel Post, with a package for the Drexhages,"
came the reply.

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously.
The deliveryman held it up.

"Could I see some I.D.?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break
into your house, I'd probably just use these." And
he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 06:02 PM

The man had taken his date, a young blonde woman,
to see a famous pianist. Halfway through, she tapped
on his shoulder.
"What's he playing?" she asked.
"Chopin's Polonaise in A-flat," he responded.
"Oh," she sighed, "I could have sworn it was a piano."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 06:04 PM

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds,
he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.
He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed
to be making the most noise.
He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait
there
until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured
the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.
"Now," he said,"are there any questions?"
One girl stood up timidly. " Please sir," she asked," May we have
our teacher back that you dragged away?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 06:05 PM

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was
eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny,
since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black
Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries
to the car.Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids
that small."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 06:07 PM

It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing
the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.

"You know our next door neighbor, Sam? I borrowed $1000
from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the
money. I don't know what I'm going to do." Morris replies.

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she
shouts, and several times more, "Sam!!Sam!!"

Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her
and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?"

Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband is supposed to
pay you tomorrow? Well, he doesn't have it!!"

She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says,
"Now you go to sleep and let SAM pace!!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 06:12 PM

A girl, who was not quite four years old, was alone in the
house when the phone rang. She answered it and was
told that Mr. Brown was calling. "I'm sorry, no one is here.
Can I take a message?" she asked.
Mr. Brown replied. "Certainly."
After a pause, Mr. Brown heard, "Okay, I'm ready. Who
did you say this is?"
"Mr. Brown."
"How do you spell Brown?" she asked.
"B-r-o-w-n."
A long pause, and then, "How do you make a B?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 06:12 PM

I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner
one evening for a "guy night". As we were eating our burgers,
Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger
buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat. He
was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep
thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home
and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough
hamburgers to last forever."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 06:13 PM

Marc, age 4, was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging
and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he
asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 24, 2002, 06:13 PM

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so
fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't
water it so much."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Mar 24, 2002, 08:07 PM

These laws were once actually on the books (and may still be):

You can't even look at a moose from an airplane in Alaska.

If you live in Idaho, you can't give any other citizen of that state a candy bar weighing more than 50 pounds.

Residents of Kentucky must bathe at least once a year.

You can't shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley in New York.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Mar 24, 2002, 08:08 PM

Night Monster

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold creme on her face stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Mar 24, 2002, 08:09 PM

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Mar 24, 2002, 08:10 PM

Absolute Faith

A nun was driving home to the convent from her daily rounds at the local hospital when her car ran out of gas. The only container she had was a large bedpan.

She toted it over to the nearest gas station and had it filled with gas. Arriving back, she began to dispense it into the gas tank of her car.

Two priests driving by saw what the nun was doing, and the older priest said to the younger seminarian, "Now, Father, that's absolute faith in the Lord for you!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:23 AM

Absolute Faith

A nun was driving home to the convent from
her daily rounds at the local hospital when
her car ran out of gas. The only container
she had was a large bedpan.

She toted it over to the nearest gas station
and had it filled with gas. Arriving back, she
began to dispense it into the gas tank of her
car.

Two priests driving by saw what the nun was
doing, and the older priest said to the younger
seminarian, "Now, Father, that's absolute faith
in the Lord for you!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:24 AM

Hospital Bill

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in
for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and
as the groggy man regained consciousness, he
was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his
bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the
nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to
know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay
here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's
a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.
"They are married to G~d."

"Well," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill
to my brother-in-law."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:39 AM

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed
with a terminal illness was determined to prove
wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old
ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to
take at least some of his money with him when
he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and
withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money
to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan was that when he passed away, he would
reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased
lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon
the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew
he should have had me put the money in the
basement."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:40 AM

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married,
a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is
sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter
to do an intake. While waiting they wonder if they
could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter
finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says,
"I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked.
Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin
to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven,
what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't
work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together
forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the
couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the
ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened
couple. "Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have any
idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:42 AM

Are You Ready to Have a Baby?
Part I

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now
rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the
walls. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave
it there all summer. Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos.
(If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing
tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to
the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could
wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:43 AM

Are You Ready to Have a Baby?
Part II

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the
jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of
the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump
the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8
to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At
8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00
PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and
sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM.
Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST
Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove 10% of the beans. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their child's discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to
them that they should never allow their children to run
wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you
will have all the answers.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:44 AM

Signs Spotted in England

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves.

In a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines. Please remove
all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London department store:
Bargain Basement Upstairs

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder
yesterday please bring it back or further
steps will be taken.

In another office:
After the tea break, staff should empty the
teapot and stand upside down on the draining
board.

On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by
this door. (This door is kept locked because
of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

Outside a second hand shop:
We exchange anything*bicycles, washing
machines etc. Why not bring your wife along
and get a wonderful bargain.

Quicksand Warning:
Quicksand…any person passing this point
will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:45 AM

More Signs Spotted in England

Notice in a dry cleaner’s window:
Anyone leaving his or her garments here for
more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants Please Stay in Your Car.

Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and does not
know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field
for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you
how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard
on the door - the bell does not work.)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:47 AM

Porky, a "with-it" teenage boy continually challenges
his rather conservative father by wanting to have his
ears pierced or his hair cut or dyed in an unusual
way. His Dad always adamantly refuses to buckle
under to pressure and constant begging of his son.

One day, out of the 'clear blue' Porky asks, "Dad,
would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved into the
back of my head?"

The father, shocked, thought it over and calmly replied...
"Sure! But *only* if you add a -Y to the end of it."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:48 AM

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear
a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under
his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he
opened the window as wide as possible and then
busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took
the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his
students that term.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:49 AM

"Never try to outstubborn a cat."
-- Lazarus Long

Even if they're not the furry kind, LOL!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:49 AM

"Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this
because of all the time they spend on personal
grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of
personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish."
-- James Gorman

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:50 AM

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get
eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
-- Jeff Valdez

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 12:51 AM

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a
message and get back to you later."
-- Mary Bly

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

**DONOTDELETE**

Mar 25, 2002, 11:47 AM

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

------------------
"Say you don't love him, my salamander"--
Paul McCartney, "Getting Closer"

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:21 PM

FAMILY FEUD

The TV show family Feud always produced some
answers from the contestants that left you scratching
your head and wondering...."Did they really SAY that?"
Here are so actual answers given on the show...

Name something a blind person might use -- A sword
(I HOPE not!!)

Name something that floats in the bath -- Water

Name something you wear on the beach -- A deck chair

Name something you put on walls -- Roofs

Name a famous bridge -- The bridge over troubled waters

Name something you do in the bathroom -- Decorate
(Okkkkkkkkkkkk...)

Name a domestic animal -- Leopard
(Would like to know what they considered WILD!!)

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' -- Knee
(Somebody flunked Spelling 101!!)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:21 PM

Receiving advice is like getting kissed on the forehead.
It doesn't hurt, but it doesn't help much either.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:22 PM

Xerox never comes up with anything original.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:22 PM

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:25 PM

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband
and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:29 PM

ACHOO!

My nose runneth over,
And I sneezeth, too.
I should runneth for cover,
I may haveth the flu.

I can't talketh, for instance,
'Cuz my throats soreth, too.
So, keepeth your distance,
Lest I cougheth on you.

My eyes both are reddened,
And they watereth, too.
Yet, I am not saddened,
I'm not eveneth blue

There's some grace I receiveth,
When I bursteth forth with "Achoo."
For I cannot deceiveth,
I liketh the "Bless you's."

By Virginia Ellis

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:29 PM

A young cowboy stumbled out of the saloon only to find
the tail of his horse painted yellow. He stomped back
into the saloon and said, "Allright, which one of you low-
down dirty scoundrels painted my horse's tail yellow?"
This huge cowpoke stood up, took a barstool, broke it
over his knee and said, "I did, what you got to say about it?"
The young cowboy replied, "I thought you might want to
know......... its ready for a second coat."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:30 PM

A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather
vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him,
"Mr.cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me
from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my
face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."

"Why do you wear that leather vest?"
"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets
where I can keep my valuables."

"Well, why do you wear leather chaps?"
"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through
mesquite and cactus."

"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear
sneakers?"
"That's so nobody will think I'm a darned truck driver."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:31 PM

What is the difference between Country Music and Cowboy Music?
Country Music is one guy singing about five women;
Cowboy Music is five guys singing about one horse.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:31 PM

More than anything, my brother-in-law wanted to be a cowpoke.
Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give
him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it
to catch cows."
"I see," said my brother-in-law, trying to seem knowledgeable
as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:40 PM

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork
for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the
stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed,
"Gee, Dad, I don't think he recognizes me."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:41 PM

CLINTON (5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When
his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't
know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.
How will my wife fit in?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:41 PM

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.
He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to
the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey,
Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:41 PM

A young child asked a woman how old she was. She answered,
"39 and holding."
The child thought for a moment, then said, "And how old would
you be if you let go?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:42 PM

I asked my nephew Kelly, age 9, how you decided who you
should marry when you grow up. She solemnly replied, "You flip
a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:42 PM

HILARIOUS HEADLINES

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -- Thief Gives Police The Slip

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike; Management Says: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest

Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

County Officials to Talk Rubbish

Hershey Bars Protest

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:43 PM

Modern man will stand for anything -- except a woman on the bus.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:43 PM

My housework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:43 PM

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a
few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the
edge of the pool and throw them fish?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:44 PM

Mary had a little lamb,
a little pork, a little ham;
a little egg, a little toast,
some pickles and a great big roast.
An ice cream soda topped with fizz,
and man, how sick our Mary is.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:44 PM

"Look at itsy bitsy Mitzi;
See her figure, slim and ritzy!
Eatsa pizza, greedy Mitzi,
She's no longer itsy bitsy."
(Ogden Nash)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 02:50 PM

You may be a redneck if...

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid
taste test.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure
out how to fix it.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

Birds are attracted to your beard.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this
afore I flush it."

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to
pull up your jeans.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:29 PM

My Mom Says

My mom says we don't need a cat.
That's what she says and that is that.

Mom says cats yowl without a cause.
She says they rip drapes with their claws.
Mom says cats stare as they observe us
And that would make our guppies nervous.

Mom says cats scratch and shed their hairs
All over carpets, clothes and chairs.
But when a stray cried at our transom
Mom fed it. Now it's sleek and handsome.

My mom says we could use a cat.
That's what she says and that is that!

By Dorothy B. Francis

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:35 PM

DAFFY DOCTORS

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee--
Buzz off! Can't you see I'm busy ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog--
So what's wrong with that, asks the doc.
I think I'm going to croak.

Doctor, Doctor I've broke my arm in two places--
Well, don't go back there again then!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth--
Get out of the way, your in my light!

Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar
Don't worry you'll soon change!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail--
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:36 PM

CRAZY CHRISTMAS CAROLS

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.
Here are a few that need more than splints for their fractures!!

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
(Would be a bit dusty wouldn't it?)

We three kings of porridge and tar.
(They must be from the South..heehee)

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
(You know....*I* actually thought those WERE the
words till I was almost eight years old!!)

He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
(Diet conscious Santa...yuck!!)

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
(Can you imagine calling a king "Barney?")

With the jelly toast proclaim
(Kid has too much junk food on his bread!)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
(Ferret??)

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
(Are we giving baths or what?)

Sleep in heavenly peas
(With white cream sauce or plain?)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:37 PM

Why are movie stars cool?
Because they have so many fans

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:37 PM

On which side does a leopard have the most spots?
The outside.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:38 PM

A man runs into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor,
ya gotta help me! I feel like a deck of cards!"
The doctor replied, " Please sit down, I'll deal with you later."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:38 PM

Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink?
Because they can't dress themselves.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:38 PM

Be glad you are not in Bin Laden's army.
I heard he killed half his troops today !!!
Wonder why?
He caught them all drinking "BUSH."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:41 PM

CITY SILLIES

Bacon, Indiana
Big Rock Candy Mountain, Vermont
Buttermilk, Kansas
Cheesequake, New Jersey
Chocolate Bayou, Texas
Goodfood, Mississippi
Hot Coffee, Mississippi
Lick Fork, Virginia (I like this one!!)
Lickskillet, Ohio (Like this one even more!!)
Oatmeal, Texas
Oniontown, Pennsylvania
Pie Town, New Mexico
Spuds, Florida
Tea, South Dakota
Tortilla Flat, Arizona
Two Egg, Florida (Is this where they had trouble
voting in the election?)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:42 PM

PESKY PEOPLE

When people get on your nerves, here are some
catchy phrases to throw at them

Why don't you make like a nut and bolt
Why don't you make like a nylon and run
Why don't you make like a tree and leave
Why don't you make like a jet and take off
Why don't you make like a banana and split
Why don't you make like a bee and buzz off
Why don't you make like a drum and beat it
Why don't you make like lightening and bolt
Why don't you make like a missile and cruise
Why don't you make like a check and got lost
Why don't you make like deodorant and roll on
Why don't you make like the Sahara and desert
Why don't you make like a hat and go on ahead
Why don't you make like the dew and evaporate
Why don't you make like a horse and hit the trail
Why don't you make like an envelope and get stuffed
Why don't you make like a bakery truck and haul buns

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:43 PM

FRUIT-JAR WHISKEY

Strange things are happening, in those Southern hills,
when "White Lightning" is brewing, in those modern stills.
The Revenuers are active, but they search in vain,
'cus they can't see no smoke. They're cooking with propane.

Everything is portable.They engineered it that way.
After running off a batch, they're gone the following day.
With a cell phone in their pocket, and relatives in the know,
They have no trouble at all, knowing when it's time to go.

As each batch is finished, it's real easy to sell.
They contact their clients, by sending them e-mail.
Though back in the woods, down some narrow pig-trail,
they will find their way.They'll be there without fail.

They have no trouble arriving. It's as easy as you please.
In this day and age, they're driving SUV's.
Going home they can't wait, and as a last resort,
they open up that fruit-jar, to have a little snort.

Now you've gone and done it! The law has got you brother,
driving with a drink in one hand, and a cell-phone in the other.
The SUV is impounded. You're going off to jail,
no more fruit-jar whiskey, cell phone, or e-mail.

By Grady Duncan

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:48 PM

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had
not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy,
not knowing about all the new technology. A technician
followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating
looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:48 PM

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted
her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting
groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something
in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him
back his credit card.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:49 PM

A woman went to visit a fortune teller of some known
repute. In a hazy and dark room, the mystic looked
into the crystal ball and said to the lady, "There's no
easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent
and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's
lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then
down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths
to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and
asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:49 PM

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when
he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said
"Boat For Sale" next to some farm equipment. This
confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own
a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.
"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat
says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All
ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."
Ole calmly replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

(Groaning?? Do I hear groaning??)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 25, 2002, 03:51 PM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the
kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric
train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said,

"All of you worthless jerks who want off, get
the heck off now, 'cause this is the last stop!
And all of you dirt balls who are getting on, get
your butts in the train, 'cause we're going down the
tracks."

The mother went in and told her son,

"we don't talk like that in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play
with our train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and
resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please
remember to take all of your belongings with you. We
thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was
a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue,

"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of
your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

"And for those of you who are ticked off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the crab in the kitchen."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 12:49 AM

My son came home from kindergarten on his
first day of school very excited. He told of all
the new kids, the new toys, and all of the daily
activities. I asked if he was good for his teacher?
He replied, "Yes but this other kid wasn't. She
got in trouble for touching the teacher's radio
thing."

My husband asked what was going on, so I
told the story as, "Some kid got in trouble for
touching the teacher's radio."

My son said, "No Mom, the radio thing, the
thing that plays the BIG Black CDs."

Then we realized it was a record player, and
my son had no idea what it was. Enough to
make you roll your eyes and feel very old, very
fast.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 12:50 AM

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor
friend and his wife, made no attempt to
restrain her five-year-old son Johnny, who
was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did
prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't
mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet
when he gets to the poisons."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 01:04 AM

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 01:04 AM

What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 01:04 AM

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroid's

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 01:04 AM

What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 01:06 AM

How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 01:07 AM

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away
from them, and you have their shoes.

—Frieda Norris

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:17 AM

CLEVER PRODUCT WARNINGS

On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO

On a helmet mounted mirror used by cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE
MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU

On a Korean kitchen knife - KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN

On a packet of nuts - OPEN PACKET AND EAT CONTENTS

On a pack of Sainsbury's salted peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS

On a shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE

On a Marks and Spencer's bread and butter pudding - WARNING - PRODUCT WILL
BE HOT AFTER HEATING

On the bottle top of a flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:18 AM

MISLEADING DIAGNOSES

**

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated
by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer,
Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to
his feet.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.

I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and
anxious.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I
have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the
floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will
need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of
him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath
with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex
which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.

Inside me there is a thin person struggling to get out, but he can be
easily subdued with a few Twinkies.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:29 AM

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
*

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced
with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a
partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking
its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using
the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its
skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall
strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting
convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens
along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation
industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage
their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable
them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-
wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median
processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and
creating an impactful environment which was strategically based,
industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market
message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become
more successful.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would
let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The
chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him
down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road,
and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking
around all over the place, anyway?"

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your chequebook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom
we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ... it
transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations
with the chicken.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:32 AM

LEAVE IT TO THE YOUNG ONES

Following questions and answers were collated from last year's British
GCSE. (16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

Religious Education
Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lays eggs.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 03:05 AM

IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD

Nodding and looking at your watch would be
deemed an acceptable response to: "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name
again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you
during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the
arse and a -- "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time"
would pretty much do it.

The funniest guy in the organisation would get to
be Chief.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football
would be Monday Night Football from a Different
Camera Angle.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement
mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for
the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
history.

Phones would automatically cut off after 30
seconds of conversation.

When a cop gave you a ticket, smart-ass responses
would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place."

Cop: "Nice one! That's $10 off."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 03:10 AM

DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS

If a packet hits a pocket
on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted '
cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable
on the table at your house,
says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's
getting sloppy on the disk,
and the macrocode instructions
cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory
and you gotta RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your mom.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 03:13 AM

THE ULTIMATE METRIC CONVERSION CHART

1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
1,000,000 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
0.000001 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1,000,000,000,000 pins = 1 terrapin
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 03:17 AM

WHAT IF LIEUTENANT DATA RAN ON WINDOWS 95?

**

For readers who are not familiar with the characters of
'Star Trek, the Next Generation'… Lt.Worf is the Security
Officer, Captain Picard is the Commanding Officer,
Commander Riker is the Second in Command, Lt. LaForge is
the Engineering Officer, Ensign Wesley Crusher is an
Officer under training and Lt. Data is an android that has
ambitions of becoming a human but is run by computer
chips.

Worf: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking
dead ahead.

Picard: On screen.

(The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of
horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.)

Picard: Data, what's wrong here?

Data: Captain. the main viewscreen does not have
sufficient video memory to display an image of this
size. May I suggest that you select a lower
resolution?

Picard: Make it so.

(The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big,
blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the centre,
which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look
more like the aliens in Space Invaders.)

Picard: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

Data: Aye, sir.

(Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him,
turns it over, and places it on the console in front of
him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits
motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms
from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.)

Worf: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

Picard: Shields up!

Data: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to
complete your last instruction. I must ask you to
wait until I have finished before you issue your
next command.

Picard: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is IMPORTANT!
I want those shields up RIGHT NOW.

Data: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to
complete your last instruction. I must ask you to
wait until I have finished before you issue your
next command.

LaForge: Allow me, Captain. (to Data) Control-Alt-Delete,
Data.

(Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns
it to the floor.)

Data: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press
my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my
left ear to close this communication channel which
is not respon ing. You will lose any information
sent by the Romulans

(LaForge pulls Data's left ear.)

Picard: Shields...

(There is a tremendous explosion. ' The bridge shakes
violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the
floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's
station at the helm, throwing Wesley back from the
console.)

Picard: ... up, Data!

Data: Aye, sir.

Riker: All decks, damage report!

Worf- Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be
unconscious.

(Data picks up the hourglass again. Places it on
the console and punches some buttons.
He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass
back on the floor.)

Data: Shield now up, Captain.

Picard: Not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on to
the lead Romulan ship.

Aye, sir. (He punches some buttons on the console.)

Picard: Mr Data, take the helm and prepare for evasive
action.

Data: I am sorry sir, but I do not have the correct
device driver for that console.

Picard: Well. Damn it. Install the right one.

Data: Please insert Set-up Implant *1 in my right
nostril.

Picard: Number one, where do we keep Data's Set-up implant

Riker: I left them with Geordi.

LaForge: (In a surprised voice) What!!? I thought you still
had them!

Picard: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in you
internal memory?

Data: Not found sir. Please insert Set-up Implant *1 in
my right nostril.

Picard: I DON'T HAVE Set-up Implant *1.

Data: Not reading right nostril. Abort! Retry! Fail!

Picard: Abort!

Data: Not reading right nostril. Abort! Retry! Fail!

Picard: Well, fail, then!

Data: Current nose is no longer valid.

(Data walks over to the helm, presses several buttons. The
ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly
shift to one side of the viewscreen and a high pitched
voice is heard from somewhere else in the ship.)

LaForge: Data, what the hell are you doing?

Picard: Number one, do we have a customer number for Data?

Riker: Yes sir, but the last time I tried to call them I
got put on hold for two hours before I was able to
talk to anyone. And that person wasn't
knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She
specialised in industrial robots.

(Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes
blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on
whine to a halt. After a few seconds, the emergency lights
come on. Data is standing by the console absolutely
motionless.)

Picard: What is going on?

LaForge: (Checking the helm console) Lieutenant Data has
caused a General Protection Violation in the warp
engine core.

Picard: These Androids look really sharp, but you can't
really do any thing with them.

(The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six
Romulans in full battle dress materialise on the bridge. A
seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.)

Ferengi: (With a mercenary grin) Captain, can I
interest you in a Macintosh?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 03:17 AM

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set
of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath.

He was, as you know…

A super callused fragile mystic plagued with
halitosis.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 03:20 AM

THE CURSE OF A DIRTY MIND

A story from the mid-1930s.

University of Edinburgh medical school, second-term
human physiology course, Prof. Kenneth Ivors,
Instructor: "Good morning, class. Before we begin
today's lecture, I should like to discover how well ye
have been tracking the previous material. Miss
MacMaster, will ye stand?"

{She stands.}

"Can ye tell me, which organ of the body achieves 10
times its normal size when it is excited?"

{She stammers, reddens, says nothing.}

"You may sit down, Miss MacMaster. Mr. Campbell,
will ye answer that question?"

"It is the pupil of the eye, sir."

"Very good. Now, Miss MacMaster, I have three things
to say to ye: One, ye have not done your homework.
Two, ye have a dirty mind. And three, you're in for a
big disappointment."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:04 PM

As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a
white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed,
"Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:05 PM

A friend's grandson, 4, was reading with his
granddad about Adam and Eve. He asked,
"Is this where G~d took out the man's brain
and made a woman?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:05 PM

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just
had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said,
"You mean he has a mustache?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:05 PM

Brittany, age 4, had an earache and wanted a painkiller.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing
her frustration, her mother explained it was a childproof
cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know its me?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:06 PM

Melanie,age 5, asked her gran how old she was.
Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember
any more.
Said Melanie, "If you don't remember you must look
in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 26, 2002, 02:09 PM

THE "OVER THE HILL" GANG

They say life begins at forty and you're over the hill
by 50. Here are some ways to tell if you are.

You discover that your measurements are now small,
medium and large......in that order.
~~~~~~
You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group
of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya..
~~~~~~
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
~~~~~~
When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip
out.........and it stays out.
~~~~~~
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all.....
and go for the rocker.
~~~~~~
You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."
~~~~~~
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Mar 29, 2002, 02:17 AM

At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies
were to take their finals vows to become nuns,
the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter
the church just before the mass began.

They were seated at the back of the sanctuary
and insisted on sitting on the right side of the
center aisle.

The bishop wondered why they had come but
didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.
When it came time for some announcements,
his curiosity got the best of him. He announced
that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their
midst at the mass but, was curious as to why
they were present at this occasion where the
young ladies were to become the "brides of
Christ."

The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet
and explained, "Family of the Groom."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

macca4eva

Mar 31, 2002, 12:39 AM

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gifhttp://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gifhttp://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gifhttp://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gifhttp://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

------------------

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 01:35 PM

Two widows were visiting in the lounge of
the Seniors' Center.

"Well," one said, "Mary has just cremated
her third husband."

"Yeah, that's the way it goes," replied the other
widow. "Some of us can't find a husband, and
others have husbands to burn!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 01:40 PM

Many years ago, my sister was discussing
her daughter's upcoming 12th-birthday party.
My niece was trying to figure out what kind of
outfit to buy for the party and her mum took
her shopping to get something special.

Having gone through several shops and dozens
of outfits, my sister remarked (jokingly), "Well,
you can always wear your birthday suit, Laura."
To which Laura replied, "What birthday suit,
mum?"

Her mum replied, "The one you were born in,
Honey."

Without much thought, my niece replied instantly,
"Don't be silly mum, that's far too small for me
now!!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 01:44 PM

When Diane found out she was pregnant,
she told the good news to anyone who would
listen. Diane's 4-year-old son overheard
some of his mother's private conversations.
One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were
shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he
was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what
we're going to name it, too."

"Really?" asked the lady.

"Yes." said the little boy, "If it's a girl we're
going to call her Christina, and if it's another
boy we're going to call it quits!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 01:45 PM

Kitchen Plaque Sayings

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

I don't do mousework! (With a picture of a kitten.)

A husband is someone who takes out the
trash and gives the impression he just
cleaned the whole house.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen... And
this kitchen is delirious.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Self cleaning kitchen. Clean up after yourself.
Mom's off duty.

Housework done properly can kill you.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 01:47 PM

Kitchen Plaque Sayings
Part 2

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast
and cheap.

This is *my* kitchen. I am the boss! If you
don't believe it...start something!

I'm the MOMMY, that's why!

My next house will have no kitchen --- just
vending machines.

Caution: Cook At Work!

No husband has ever been shot while doing
the dishes.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 01:55 PM

Three friends -- a surgeon, an engineer
and a politician - were discussing which
of their professions was the oldest.

The surgeon said "Eve was created from
Adam's rib - a surgical procedure. My
profession must be the oldest!"

The engineer replied: "Before Adam and Eve,
order was created out of the chaos, and that
was an engineering job. My profession is the
oldest"

Then the politician said, "Yes, but who do you
suppose created the chaos!?!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 02:04 PM

A mother was telling her little girl what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last
she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten the know you
sooner!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 02:05 PM

When asked what she wanted for her birthday,
little Sarah said, "One of everything, please!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 02:05 PM

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His
mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love
Granger, but you're loving him too much. How
would you feel if someone huge picked you up
and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess
I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen
was here!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 02:06 PM

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
father's word processor. She told him she was
writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 02:06 PM

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But
it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out
some of these yourself!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 02:06 PM

A friend was in front of me coming out of
church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always is to
shake hands. He grabbed my friend by
the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor
said to him, "You need to join the Army of
the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the army of
the Lord, Pastor."

The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't
see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

And with a totally straight face, he whispered
back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Apr 08, 2002, 02:07 PM

Easter Bunny Jokes

Q. What does it mean when the Easter Bunny
arrives one day late with melted candy?
A. He probably had a bad hare day.

Q. How does a rabbit make gold soup?
A. He begins with 24 carrots.

Q. What do you get when you pour boiling hot
water down a rabbit hole?
A. Hot cross bunnies!

Q. What does it mean when you see thirty
rabbits in a row and they are all marching
backwards?
A. What you have is a receding hareline.

Q. What can rabbits have that no other
animal can have?
A. Baby rabbits.

Q. Which side of a rabbit has the most fur?
A. The outside.

Q. What is the difference between a new-age
rabbit that is preparing for the future and one
that is getting ready for dinner?
A. The first rabbit will visualize world peace.
The second rabbit will visualize whirled peas.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 23, 2002, 04:42 PM

As They Get Old

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their
balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their
structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go
on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their
figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the
bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garage men never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just
cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose
their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle
off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become
incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 23, 2002, 04:43 PM

As They Get Old
Part II

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past
their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get
disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop
developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to
a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just
re-curse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste
away.

- Old skate boarders never die, they just lose their
bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steel makers never die, they just lose their
temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get
disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

- There is no conclusive evidence about what
happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and
on, and on, and on....

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)