A Little Levity to Brighten Your Day

[SleepyHead]

WORDS FROM JESUS

Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around, He
taught them saying:

Blessed Are The Poor In Spirit, For Theirs Is The Kingdom Of Heaven.
Blessed Are The Meek.
Blessed Are They That Mourn.
Blessed Are The Merciful.
Blessed Are They Who Thirst For Justice.
Blessed Are You When Persecuted.
Blessed Are You When You Suffer.
Be Glad And Rejoice, For Your Reward Is Great In Heaven.

Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we have a test on this?"
And Phillip said, "I don't have any paper."
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And Matthew said, "Can I go to the boy's room?"
And Judas said, "What does this have to do with real life?"

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson
plans and inquired of Jesus, "What are the objectives in the cognitive
domain and your plans for remediation?"

JESUS WEPT


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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A wise schoolteacher sends this note
to all parents on the first day of school....

"If you promise not to believe everything
your child says happens at school, I'll
promise not to believe everything he or
she says happens at home."


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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

RELAXING HOT BATH
Source - http://www.lablaughs.com


Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just
as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell
rang. The man got of the tub, put on his robe
found a brush saleman waiting for him at the
door. "No thanks!" the man shouted at the
salesman. "I don't need or want any brushes.
Goodbye!" And with that, the man slammed the
door in the salesman's face and returned to
his bath.

Just as he was getting settled back into the
tub, the doorbell rang again. Stepping angrily
out of the tub, the man slipped on a wet spot
on the floor, fell and hit his back against the
hard porcelain of the tub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled
into his street clothes, and with every move
a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You
know, you've been very lucky. Nothing is
broken. But you need to relax and rest
those sore and inflamed back muscles. The
best thing for you to do would be to go
home and take a long, hot bath."


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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

HUMBLE LANDOWNERS
Source - http://www.buffalosjokes.com


A Texas rancher visited our desert state
of Arizona some time ago and remarked how
much he liked Arizona's blue skies and wide
open spaces. Arizona reminded him of his
home state.

During his visit, the Texas rancher wanted
to see how Arizona's ranches compared to the
large spreads they have in Texas.

Driving down the highway, the Texan saw a
farmer on his tractor out in a field. The
Texan stopped and hailed the farmer down.
"Nice farm you have here," the Texan drawled.

The farmer tipped his straw hat and politely
said, "Thank you, sir."

"How many acres do you farm?" the Texan asked.

The farmer proudly replied, "2000 acres of
alfalfa and 3500 acres of sweet corn."

The Texan smirked and said, "Pardner, on
my ranch back home in Texas I get up every
day at sun-up, get in my pickup truck and
by the time the sun sets I still have not
reached the end of my spread."

The Arizona farmer replied, "Fella, I know
just what your talkin' about. I owned a
pickup like that too a few years back."


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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On September 19, 2001 02:13 AM]

[SleepyHead]

BEAUTY SLEEP
Source - Colorado Comments
coloradocomments-subscribe@yahoogroups.com


My dog had suddenly developed a bad habit
of loud barking about 4 a.m. each morning.
He was disturbing the entire neighborhood
and several people had complained.

One morning he started howling furiously.
When I looked out the window, I saw that
someone was throwing something at him.
I quietly went out the back door and snuck
around to the front to catch the culprit.

Much to my surprise I found my next-door
neighbor throwing rocks into my yard and
just barely missing the dog. Of course,
I demanded an explanation.

"I'm not trying to hit or hurt your dog,"
he said. "It's just that my mother-in-law
is visiting, and she says that if she loses
another night of her beauty sleep.....she'll
leave!"


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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

UNIQUE SEAT BELT USAGE
Source - Joke of the Day http://www.memail.com


A lady who was speeding had an officer
pull her to the side of the road. She
didn't have her seat belt on, so as soon
as she stopped, she quickly slipped it
on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the
officer said, "I see you are wearing your
seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it
at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always
wear it looped through your steering wheel
like that?"


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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

HOLY WATER


The church choir was putting on a car wash
to raise money to pay their expenses for a
special trip.

They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR
CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday
business was very good.

But by two o'clock, the skies clouded and
the rain poured and there were hardly any
customers.

Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea.
She printed a very large poster which said,
WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward)
GOD RINSES.

Business boomed!


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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A young couple got married, and when the wife prepared to bake
a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each
end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked her why she
did that and she replied, "I don't know--it's what my mother always
did. But I can ask her."

She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma
do it, so I did the same."

They decided to check further, so the young bride then called Grandma,
who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

Three people from different parts of the country passed away at the same time. All were met at the gates by St. Peter. The first was an architect from California. Peter said, "You've built beautiful buildings and served men on earth, but before you come in you have to pass one small test, spell 'God'". "G-O-D," replied the architect and St. Peter waved him through.

The second person to approach was a rancher from Texas. Peter looked at him and said, "You've served man upon the earth by providing food through the cattle you've raised but before you come in there's just one small test, spell 'GOD'". "G-O-D", said the rancher and Peter waved him through.

The third person was an attractive businesswoman from New York. Peter said, "You've served the world of commerce, but before you come in you'll have to pass one small test." At this the woman interrupted, "Oh come on now Saint," said the woman, "I've had to fight for every promotion I've ever gotten. I've had to take lower pay for the same job as a male colleague, and I've been continually harassed by bosses and peers for one reason, my gender. And now here I am and you're giving me a hard time too; what kind of test? Let's get it over with."

Peter thought for a moment and said, "Spell Czechoslovakia."


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As the new minister in town was walking down the street, he saw a little boy straining every muscle to reach the door-bell. He realized the little guy would never make it, although he admired the kid's tenacity. So he walked up on the porch to help.

"Here buddy, need some help?" He lifted the little tyke who rang the bell.

As he set the child down, the kid took off running and called back over his shoulder, "Run mister! Here come the lady!"


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In a car in the middle of Colorado a wife says to her husband, "Oh Dear George, I'm afraid the house is going to burn down, I'm sure I left the iron on."

George: "The house will not burn down Dear, don't worry"

Wife: "Now how can you make a statement like that?"

George: "Cause I forgot to turn off the water in the bathtub."


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A young man, on the way to visit his girlfriend in northern Michigan was caught speeding through one of the small towns just a few miles from his destination. The officer sauntered up to the car as the young man fished for his license and registration. With the hint of a wry smile across his face, the officer placed both elbows on the window of the car so he could get real close and spoke in a deep voice, "Son, I've been waitin' all day for you." "Sorry officer," the young driver said. "I got here just as fast as I could."




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In a small town way out in the country, a local farmer invited the new preacher and his wife to come out to the farm for supper. While the women were finishing preparations in the kitchen, the men talked in the living room.

The farmer was in the middle of telling the preacher that because he was sure that most ministers liked chicken, that's what he had asked his wife to prepare. The farmer's son, playing nearby, spoke up and said, "But I thought it was 'buzzard', not 'chicken' that we were eating today."

"Of course not, where did you ever get that idea?" demanded the farmer.

"Well, I overheard you telling mommy that we ought to hurry up and have the 'old buzzard' for dinner and get it over with."


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[SleepyHead]

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you
I never wanted to see you in here again." "Your Honor,"
the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police,
but they wouldn't listen."

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with
one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're
obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are
ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,"
said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino
said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A policeman had just finished his shift one cold evening
and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe
what happened this evening, in all my years on the force
I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them
was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do
with them?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."


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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body
parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the
pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his
notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his
spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't
look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..."
dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees
that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head,
then writes....
"Head on curb."


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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Mommy, What's An Asterisk? ***

Gone like the snows of yesteryear,
And nickel candy bars.
And buttonhooks and live-in cooks,
And Cuban-made cigars,
And taffy pulls and smelling salts,
And spats and blue-suede shoes,
Are those quaint old-fashioned euphemisms authors used to use.

When characters in by-gone books
Went into fits or rage,
They couldn't use four-letter words
Right on the printed page.
Suppose a sergeant blew his top;
It follows that he'd cuss.
Since sergeants do not mince their words,he'd blankety-blank like thus

When literary lovers were
Assailed by lustful passion,
They couldn't spend Chapter III in bed,
As the current fashion.
They rarely went much further than
One wild impassioned kiss,
Which was meaningfully followed by a row of dots like this .....

When paragraphs the author wrote
Were cut or moderated,
The author'd sprinkle asterisks where they'd been expurgated,
And readers when confronted by
some asterisks like these *****
Filled in the missing paragraphs however they might please.

Now everything is fit to print,
And nothing's contrabanded,
However racy and risqué,
Explicit, crude, and candid.
Four-letter words are spelled right out,
And sex scenes annotated,
And dots and blanks and asterisks are hopelessly outdated.

Those dainty little ast*****ks,
Those genteel Bl__ks and d...ts,
Today seem quaint as mustache cups
and blue forget-me-nots,
And yet I doubt that anything
In blunt, outspoken print
Can rival the suggestiveness of a coy, old-fashioned hint.


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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to
get married and I didn't want him to." -- Rita Rudner
~~~~~~




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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone
has something you want you can take it from them by force.
And second, Elmer's glue makes a great between-meals
snack." -- Gary Barkin
~~~~~~



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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I don't understand the body piercing movement. I saw one guy
who had eight rings through his eyebrows. I couldn't help my-
self. I ran up to him and hung a shower curtain on his face."
~~~~~~


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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." -- Phyllis Diller
~~~~~~


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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"My husband said he needed more space. So I
locked him outside." -- Roseanne

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A man traveling down a country road after a major storm was
forced to stop before a giant stream covering the entire road.
Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a beautiful
blonde woman who had come down her lane to the mailbox.
"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"Sure it is" she replied.
The car was immediately swallowed by the water as the man
drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his
window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the woman,
"I thought you said I could safely drive through this!"
"Well," said the woman, scratching her head. "It only
come up chest-high on my ducks!"

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A man arrested for speeding went before the judge.
The judge said "You look very familiar to me, where
you ever up before me?" "I don't know your honor,
what time do you get up?"
The judge said, "The court fines you 30 days or $30,
which do you want?"
The man replied, "I'll take the money your honor."


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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor,"
complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.
"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."
"Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe
that's the trouble. What kind do you eat?"
"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast,
yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon
snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been
getting any greens!"


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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not
much of a salesman. He could never find the item the
customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about
enough and warned John that the next sale he missed
would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for
their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not
find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning
John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to
take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately
consumed the entire box in the store and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore
owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask
John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the
cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once." John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" the owner shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the
lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."



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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES.......

Ah, the wisdom of the young! The things they have
learned, or THOUGHT they have learned, can be both
frightening and enlightening.......


Mark, age 9....I've learned that you can be in love with
four girls at the same time.

Patrick, age 7...I've learned that when I eat fish sticks,
they help me swim faster because they're fish.

Tommy, age 8....I've learned that sometimes the tooth
fairy doesn't always come. Sometimes he's broke.

Michael....I've learned that when wearing suspenders
with one strap down, you need to be careful going to
the bathroom.

Joey, age 6....I've learned if you put a June bug down
a girls dress, she goes crazy.

Kevin, age 6....I've learned that you shouldn't confuse
a black crayon with a Tootsie Roll.

Pattie, age 7...I've learned that milk helps keep your
bones from bending over.

Jeremy, age 9...I've learned that when you have three
of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks.

David, age 5....I've learned that gold fish don't like Jell-O.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

OLD BONES AND FUNNY STONES.....

Actual tombstones found on graves....

In Anchorage, Alaska

Thomas Dant -1834

He looked
For gold
And died of
Lead poison
~~~~~
On the grave of a woman who died in 1984 in Colorado
Springs, Colorado. Her son stated that his mother
had been married to a Texan who is buried in Texas.

I would
rather be here
than in Texas
~~~~~
On a hanged man's grave in Abilene, Kansas

Rab McBeth
Who died for the want
of another breath.
1791-1823
~~~~~
In a New Jersey cemetery
Rebecca Freeland
1741-1840

She drank good ale,
good punch and wine
And lived to the age of 99
~~~~~
Found in Fremont, California

Here lies Johnny Cole.
Who died upon my soul
After eating a plentiful dinner.
While chewing his crust
He was turned into dust
With his crimes undigested-poor sinner.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

HILARIOUS HEADLINES......

Reading the newspapers these days is quite
an education....maybe not a good one, but an
education nonetheless....

"Marijuana Issue Sent To Joint Committee"
Headline from the Toronto Star - [Canada]

"Wives Kill Most Spouses In Chicago"
Headline From the Florida Times Union - [U.S.]

"Death Row Inmate Seeks Divorce"
Headline from the Associated Press - [U.S.]
(Now THIS one got me wondering...)

"Seek Help, Confide In Spouse Before Embarking On Affair"
Headline from the El Paso Times - [Texas]

(Reminds me of the song, "All My Exes Live in Texas")

"Chicago Checking On Elderly In Heat"
Headline from the Boston Globe - [U.S.]
(Then there's that song...."There'll Be a Hot Time
in the Old Town Tonight!!")


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be
thinking up something else."
-- Lily Tomlin


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you
do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Jill calls her friend Linda, Linda picks up the phone.
Jill says "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?"
Linda asks "Why?"
Jill replies, "I need to study cosmetics"
Linda asks "Why?"
Jill replies "Well, my English teacher says I have a
make-up exam on Monday."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A friend and his wife went to the local restaurant of
a national pizza chain. As they were waiting for their
order, they noticed some movement at another table,
but there were no people there. As they took a closer
look, they saw that there were MICE on the table eating
the uncleared leftovers from the group that had been
sitting there.
My friend called the manager over and told him "Look!
There are mice on that table!"
To which the manager said, "Oh? That's odd, they're
usually in the back!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes
towards leftovers. "It's rough," one said.
"My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns."
"You think you have it bad," the second wife piped up.
"Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects."
"That's nothing compared to me," said the third woman.
"My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law
passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming
or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A rich man was trying to find a good birthday gift for his
daughter when he saw a poor man leading a beautiful
white horse. He told the man he would give him $500
for the horse.

The man replied, "I don't know, mister, it don't look so
good," and he walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the
man $1000 for the horse.

The man replied, "I don't know, mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day, the rich man came and offered $2,000
for the horse and said he wouldn't take no for an answer
this time.

The poor man agreed to the sale and the rich man took
the horse.

The rich man's daughter loved her birthday present.

She climbed onto the horse's back, urged the horse
to go and the horse galloped right into a tree.

The rich man hurried to the poor man's house and
demanded an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man said, "I told you it don't look so good."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"People say New Yorkers can't get along. The other
night I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers,
sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio,
the other guy took the engine." ~David Letterman~




------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"When I was a kid I was told anyone could become
President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. ~~Will Rogers~



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Oh my gosh, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?"
~Don Rickles meeting Ernest Borgnine for the first time~



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
~Phyllis Diller~



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"If brains was lard, Jethro couldn't grease a pan."
~Jed Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies TV show~

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming
a revolving door.




------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

My wife went to cooking school; she majored in defrosting.
She has the best meals you ever thaw.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Bessie the cow stopped giving milk today. She is an
udder failure.



------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves.
The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."




------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.




------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I've broken so many mirrors in my life, if I live long
enough to have all that bad luck, I'll be lucky.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

SILLY SUPERSTITIONS.....

If a pregnant women stares often and long at a man with
curly hair, when the child is born it will have curly hair.

Lettuce is believed to have magical and healing properties,
including the power to arouse love and counteract the effects
of wine.

An onion cut in half and placed under the bed of a sick person
will draw off fever and poisons.

A frog brings good luck to the house it enters.

A horseshoe, hung above the doorway, will bring good luck to a
home. In most of Europe protective horseshoes are placed in a
downward facing position, but in some parts of Ireland and Britain
people believe that the shoes must be turned upward or "the luck
will run out."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES......

Here are some excerpts from tests given to children
ages 7 thru 10. You wonder where they learn such things!!

A molecule is so small it cannot be seen by the naked observer.

The future of "I give" is "I take."

A census taker is man who goes from house to house
increasing the population.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never
set foot.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil
his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull
that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite
so often in the winter.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

SNAPPY SIGNS.....

Sign in London department store..............
Bargain Basement Upstairs

Outside a farm:Horse Manure.............
$1 Per Pre-Packed Bag--.25 cents Do-It-Yourself

In a laundry, on each washing machine...............
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London office.........After tea break staff should empty
the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

In a health food shop............Closed due to illness.

In a safari park..............Elephants please stay in your car.

In a farmer's field...........The farmer allows walkers to cross
the field for free, but beware that the bull charges.

On a repair shop door...........We can repair anything. (Please
knock hard on the door -- the bell doesn't work)

In an office building washroom...........Toilet out of order. Please
use floor below.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

While carpenters were working outside the old house a
woman had just bought, She busied herself with indoor
cleaning. She had just finished washing the floor when
one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly
scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," She said, thinking of a
quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A little boy came home from Kindergarten class one day
and said, "Mom, you need to talk to my teacher because
she isn't very smart."
His mother asked him what happened.
He said, "She told us that there are only 4 seasons... summer,
winter, spring, and fall! Well, what happened to deer season
and turkey season?"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and
gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.
The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.
He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and
marking them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin,
etc, etc.
When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with
a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with
them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them....
......Moosellaneous.


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to
take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes
before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell
them we only found two."


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Bubba is a bus driver for the Tennessee Transit Company.
One day Bubba is headed to work on his bus route, when
he sees a delivery van stranded at the side of the road so
he stops. The van driver works for the Nashville Zoo. He
pleads with Bubba to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Bubba to help him deliver a truckload
of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within
the hour. Agreeing, Bubba proceeds to load two dozen penguins
onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads
off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down
the road, he sees Bubba and the busload of penguins heading
in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases
in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls Bubba over
to the side of the road.

In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Bubba. I thought I gave you a
$100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"

"Calm down," Bubba says. "I took the penguins to the zoo with
the $100 you gave me, but we had change left over, so now I'm
taking them to the movies!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

The grief-stricken man threw himself across the grave and cried bitterly. "My life, how senseless it is! How worthless is everything about me because you are gone. If only you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how different everything would have been."

A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he offered a prayer. Afterward he said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."

"Importance? Indeed it was," moaned the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"


------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/king2.gif

How All Careers End

Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discolored.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons are disembarked.


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A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."


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An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?!" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but white man sit on well!"


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http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/king2.gif

WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber," says one Washington senator.

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A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out.

A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."
An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."
A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."
A mathematician calculated how he fell into the pit.
A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.
An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.
A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit!"
A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."
A Christian Scientist said, "The pit is just in your mind."
A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit."
A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit."
An optimist said, "Things could get worse."
A pessimist claimed, "Things WILL get worse."

Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.


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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


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John got off the elevator on the 15th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Spot while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through -- over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"



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A young man was talking to God. "How long is a million years to You?" he asked.

"A million years to Me is like a single second to you," God replied.

"How much is a million dollars to You?" the young man asked.

"A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you," God replied.

"In that case," the young man ventured, "Could I have one of Your pennies?"

"Certainly, My Son," God replied. "Just a second."


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Visiting their grandmother's house, two young boys were saying their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy started loudly shouting his prayers: "God, please send me a Nintendo ... and a new bike ... !"

"Why are you shouting your prayers?" his older brother asked. "God isn't deaf."

"No, but Grandma almost is!" the little brother answered.



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[beatlebangs1964]

I used to take care of a very chubby, very sweet Jack Russell terrier named Jenna. Jenna was jokingly called a "Jane Russell terrier" for 10 reasons. One night when I was walking her, a little girl stopped to pet her.

"Is she a mama dog?" the child wanted to know.

"No, but she was before I knew her and started walking her."

"She looks like a mama dog. She looks like some dog loves her."

One of my younger cousins referred to her dog's mammaries as "her milkers." Jenna had, in another child's words, "a milk store in her."

I thought that was so adorable.

------------------
Then we will remember things we said today. Yeah.
-- Beatles, 1964

BB1964

[SleepyHead]

Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy heart,
From the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us do if we'd have been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time, he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life and done his share of roamin'.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it look just like Wyomin'.

Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Peter.
Now, this line, it ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter.

So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keepin' score -- in Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "that God will answer prayers,
But one time I asked for help, well He just plain wasn't there.

Does God answer prayers of some, and ignores the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square -- I know all men are brothers.

Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season?

Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel,
And I was wonderin', could you tell -- what the heck's the deal?

Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!

That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent your prayers
a-flying. You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a
trying.

A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a while

And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice, so He started a truck in N. Dakota.

Pray daily,

GOD


------------------
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[SleepyHead]

Some people cause happiness wherever they go;
others cause happiness whenever they go.


------------------
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[SleepyHead]

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
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[SleepyHead]

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

------------------
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[SleepyHead]

MY FORGETTER

My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Some times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then when I'm done and walk away,
I ask myself, "who's that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
So, it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Three wishes

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and President Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

President Bush says, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out. It is virtually impenetrable."

President Bush says, "Fill it with water."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
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[SleepyHead]

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words
"The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

------------------
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People in cars cause accidents.... Accidents in cars cause people.

------------------
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

------------------
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Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?

Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.

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Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are about 3 to 4 dollars and deer nuts are under a buck.

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[bearkat77]

A Tall Order

A traveling salesman went into a restaurant for breakfast one morning. When the waitress took his order he said he wanted his eggs hard and burned around the edges, his bacon was to be burnt crisp and he wanted his toast blackened and hard.

The waitress was surprised but soon returned with his order as he requested. She then asked if there was anything else she could do for him.

He says, "Yes, sit down across from me, frazzle your hair and start complaining. I'm home sick!"

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[bearkat77]

Those Pet Names

One day three redneck couples in a mini van are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from {fill in your favorite location}. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.

Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "Could you pass the honey, Honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey.

Then, the husband from Kansas says, "Could you pass the sugar, Sugar?" and she passes him the sugar.

The third husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says, "Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?"

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[bearkat77]

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

The value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You win the most fingers and toes contest at your local bar.

You read this and say "Yeah, so.....what's your point?"

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[bearkat77]

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

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[bearkat77]

In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming".

Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern...it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

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The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."


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Two elderly ladies were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."


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A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dressed up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"


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A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, whut's thaaat?" he said.
His Canadian friend looked out and said, "Oh, that's a moose."

"Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are your cats aroond here?"


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A woman was trying hard to get the last of the catsup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."



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[bearkat77]

Laws To Remember

1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
.
2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

4. Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.

5. Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

6. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

7. Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him...get a good lawyer...keep his house.

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[bearkat77]

Seminars for Men

The female staff at a local technical school will be offering courses to men of any marital status. Class size will be limited to 18 as material may prove to be too difficult to comprehend or remember past lunch.

~ Combating Stupidity

~ You Too Can Do Housework

~ P.M.S. - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

~ How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray

~ We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give Us Money

~ Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Called Don't Wash My Silks)

~ Parenting - No, It Doesn't End After Conception

~ Get a Life - Learn How To Cook

~ How Not To Act Like an Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

~ Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

~ Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

~ Reasons To Give Flowers

~ Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom

~ Garbage - Getting It To the Curb

~ The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous

~ How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

~ How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost

~ The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

~ Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes

~ How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

~ Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works

~ The Attainable Goal - Omitting %=@!$ From Your Vocabulary

~ Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is NOT Necessary

~ How To Take Illness Like a Man

~ What Men Say And What They Mean

Lastly...

~ Real Men Ask For Directions

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[bearkat77]

Things That Sound Dirty In A Court Room But Aren't

12. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

11. Wow, that judge really came down on her hard.

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. Can you get him to drop his suit?

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Your honor, this is no time to be going soft.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. He is one hard judge!

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

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[bearkat77]

Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy...

~ Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

~ You can't feed that to the dog.

~ I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

~ Trim the fat off that steak.

~ My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

~ Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?

~ Duct tape won't fix that.

~ I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

~ I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

~ Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'.

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[bearkat77]

10 Fun things to do on the first day of class:

1. Watch the professor through binoculars.

2. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

3. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

4. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

5. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the 'i' is silent.

6. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

7. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.

8. Claim that you wrote the class text book.

9. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"

10. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

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Christian Bumper Stickers

Give God what's right, not what's left!

"Pray" is a four letter word that you can say anywhere (except in a public school).

Man's way leads to a hopeless end! God's way leads to an endless hope!

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!

To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
We're too blessed to be depressed.

In the sentence of life the devil may be a comma but DO NOT let him be the PERIOD!

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into church for a faith lift!

Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!

God doesn't want shares of your life, He wants controlling interest.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

A family altar can alter a family.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

This church is "Prayer Conditioned"!

When God ordains, He sustains.

Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.

Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!

Exercise daily ... walk with the Lord!

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it.

Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!

Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!

A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.

Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

He who angers you controls you!

Worry is the darkroom in which "negatives" are developed.

Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.

For all you do, His blood's for you!

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them, Christ will clean them.

Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.

If God is your co-pilot, swap seats!

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An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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The CIA was recruiting for a new special agent. After a rigorous screening process, they narrowed the choices down to 3 people: Two men and a woman. For the final test, they took each individual into a room and told them that their spouse was sitting in a chair in the next room and that they had to kill them. They were each given a pistol.

The first man, when confronted with the assignment, said that he could do just about anything, but he would be unable to kill his wife, so he was dismissed.

After being told his assignment, the second man took the pistol and entered the room in which his wife was sitting. After five minutes, he came out with tears in his eyes and said that he had failed the test. He was unable to pull the trigger.

The final candidate was the woman. She took the pistol and entered the room where her husband was sitting. Shortly after closing the door, the sound of the gun firing was heard. This was followed by screams and crashing and pounding sounds coming from the room. After about five minutes, the woman came out and said, "You didn't tell me that the gun had blanks in it. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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Words You Won't Find In the Dictionary... But Should

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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[bearkat77]

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.

Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read.

Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

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[bearkat77]

LIBRARY PATRONS

These are some Actual reference queries as recorded by American and Canadian library employees:

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of Socrates"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

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[bearkat77]

Taliban Q & A

Q:Why does Osama always carry a rock in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What does Osama bin Laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of mud?
A: The bucket

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

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[bearkat77]

Afghanistan's Fall TV Lineup

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian BinBin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U. S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super-8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"

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[bearkat77]

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laugh-line, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had
a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 ! ! ! piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a dang good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't take a dump for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt! ! !

Rob[/list]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
but I couldn't take a dump for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This was the line that did it for me.http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gifhttp://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif



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Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

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Q: Why don’t they teach driver’s education and sex education on the same day in Afghanistan?
A: They don’t want to wear out the camel.

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A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightgown. "Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the woman. "You're not rescued yet, either."

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

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A linguistics professor was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," she said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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[McCharlenstar]

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh4.gif

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh4.gif


GREAT story!!!!

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[bearkat77]

A History of Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2000: A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2001: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of loggable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

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[bearkat77]

An Indian, a black man and a Pollock share an apartment. The rent is due soon and all three are unemployed, so they all go out to look for a job. That evening, they met to discuss their day.

The Indian says to his roommates, "Me mad me no find no job."

The black man then says, "Man, I ain't hooked up no job either!"

The Pollock chimes in, "Hey, I found a good job! The owner said all I had to do was show up on time at 8A.M. and I could go to work!"

Knowing that the Indian woke really early and watched the sun rise, the Pollock asked the Indian to wake him at 6:30 so he could get to work on time and then went to bed.

The black man liked to play practical jokes and talked the Indian into helping him play one on the Pollock. While the Pollock slept the other two painted his face black. The Indian woke the Pollock at 6:30 who then got dressed and went straight to his new job. When he got there, he told the owner he was ready to go to work. The owner said he didn't know what he was talking about.

The Polock reminded him of his promise to put him to work if he showed up on time. The owner said that the guy he hired was white.

The Pollock replied, "I am white".

The owner said, "No you're not, you are black, go look in the mirror!"

The Pollock went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and exclaimed, "That stupid damn Indian woke up the wrong guy!"

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[bearkat77]

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.

No, the woman shakes her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it."

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[bearkat77]

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts - they're complimentary."

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[bearkat77]

Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

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A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
The policeman had had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to come to a complete stop or just slow down?"

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Top Nine Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths

9. Ellen DeGeneres suffocates in a closet
8. Susan Lucci trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
7. Jenny McCarthy is struck by a random thought
6. RuPaul gets prostate cancer
5. O.J. Simpson is murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
4. Madonna - Exposure
3. Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2. Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease

and the number one most ironic celebrity death...

1. Bill Gates falls out of a window

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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

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The True Meanings of Asian Names

Wa Shing Kah---------------- Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim------------------ Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai Yu Shao Ting------------- There is no reason to raise your voice
Ai Bang Mai Ne-------------- I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat----------------- You need a face lift
Dung On Mai Shu------------- I stepped in #$%*
Dum Gai--------------------- A stupid person
Gun Pao Der----------------- An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung--------------- Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding------------- We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun--------------- A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia--------------------- Approach me
Lao Ze Sho------------------ Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi---------------------- Not very good
Lin Ching------------------- An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding--------------- A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn---------------------- A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai-------------------- A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be--------------- A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne---------------- A small horse
Ten Ding Ba----------------- Serving drinks to people


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Definitions

adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
beauty parlor: A place where some women go to dye.
cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
handkerchief: Cold Storage.
inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
myth: A female moth.
mosquito: An insect that makes flies look good after all.
wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
tomorrow: One of today's greatest labor saving devices.
yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.

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[bearkat77]

A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots.

The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!"

The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar.

The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender."

So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."

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[bearkat77]

DISHES

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"

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[bearkat77]

No man is ever completly worthless. He can at least be used as a bad example!

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[bearkat77]

Occupational Descriptions...

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

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[bearkat77]

More Occupational Descriptions...

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.


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Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. It scares the hell out of the dogs.

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Q: What is Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A: When Hillary's out of town.

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There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning
at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on
the roads.

When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered
that it was elephant powder.

The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants
in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"


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A Bear, A Rabbit and A Frog

There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden frog, they think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people, but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells them that they can have 3 wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. Which the frog immediately does.

The rabbit after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as
well, and thus it is so!

The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.

The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That all the other bears in the world be female as well.' The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.

The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says, "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!

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[bearkat77]

Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang.

Apparently, that sound was "uh oh."

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[bearkat77]

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?"

The old man grabs the old woman's hand.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?"

The old man puts his arm around the old woman.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?"

To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away.

"Honey, where are you going?" she says.

The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."

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[bearkat77]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

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[bearkat77]

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

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[bearkat77]

"You Know You've Been Too Long Online When..."

1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!"

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have Internet access in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for 2 hours.

18. "Where did the time go?"

19. You sit online for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before you get your coffee.

21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

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A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another
seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say
for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady
got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under
a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.


"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick
Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out
loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.


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The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main
street and second avenue.

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed
with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of
white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking
work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human
hands.

The inspector noticed a string hanging from the cooks fly and asked
"What is the string for?"

The cook replied, "When I go to the bathroom, I do not have to touch it,
I just pull it out with the string."

"Oh how neat," replied the inspector, "how do you get it back in?"

The cook responded "With the salad tongs."


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One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear
whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes
later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy
joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and
wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"


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Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very
loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!




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A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in
case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and
many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then
one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are
the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the
Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck
of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the
water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to
come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

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[bearkat77]

A Smart Dog At The Butcher's

A man is conversing with his neighborhood butcher, when a small dog trots in, holding some money in his mouth. The butcher says, "What'll it be today? Beef?" The little dog shakes his head.

"How 'bout chicken?" The dog shakes his head 'no' again.

The butcher says, "Chops?" The dog wags his tail wildly.

"Pork chops?" Dog shakes his head.

"Lamb chops?" The tails wags frantically again.

"Okay, lamb chops..." The butcher cuts the meat, takes the money from the dog's mouth, and puts the wrapped chops in the dog's mouth, and the little dog trots off.

"That was amazing!" says the man.

"Oh, he comes in here every other day or so," says the butcher. The man says, "I have to follow that dog and see where he lives!" He runs out, spots the dog trotting up the block. He follows him till the dog runs up a flight of steps to a house, gets on the porch, raises up on his hind legs, and rings the doorbell with his nose! A man comes to the door, takes the meat from the dog, then WHACKS him on his head as he yelps by.

The man watching is outraged. He storms up to the house, and rings the doorbell. When the dog owner appears, the man says, "You know, mister- that's absolutely the smartest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher shop for you, ORDERS the meat, PAYS for it, BRINGS it home, RINGS the damn doorbell, and you BEAT HIM?????"

"Yeah," says the man, "That's the third time this week he forgot his blasted key!"

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[bearkat77]

A real-estate agent and her new trainee were driving around when she spotted a hand-lettered 'For Sale' sign in front of a delightful little farmhouse.

After quickly introducing herself and her trainee to the surprised occupant, the agent went from room to room, opening cupboards and closets, checking out the faucets and giving advice and tips on where subtle changes and a little paint here and there would help. Pleased with her performance, the agent was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Excuse me, ma'am," the farmer said, "I certainly appreciate the little tips and advice you've given me, but I think you've misread my sign.

It says "HORSE For Sale!"

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[bearkat77]

From The Mouths Of Babes...

"Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

A friend's grandson, 4, was reading with his granddad about Adam and Eve. He asked, "Is this where God took out the man's brain and made a woman?"

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "Capital F!"

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"

Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded," I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

His Mom informed her son, Brian, that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy, he gulped, "You already have a son. Me!"

When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins. The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what! They are not only twins....they're brothers!!"

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[bearkat77]

A Few Good Menopausal Women

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, Prozac, hormones, moisturizer with SPF15, chocolate, Spam, support hose, canned tuna - etc. Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even men in turbans tremble.

We have had our children, we would gladly die/suffer to protect them and their future. Most of us would like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning; therefore, we have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events... finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight.

The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes all through their heaven-forsaken terrain.

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[bearkat77]

Women In Clergy

The phone rings in heaven. St Peter answers: "Hello? Yes... yes... yes, just a moment."

Putting his hand over the receiver, he continues, "God, it's the Pope; he wants to discuss women in the clergy again."

God, tired of the Pope and his problems, says, "Look, there are millions of people praying right now, and I'm trying to make plans... tell him I'm just not available."

"Of course," St Peter replies. Removing his hand from the phone, he says to the Pope,

"She's not available right now..."

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[alliesun]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
From The Mouths Of Babes...

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

so very cute, http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif

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[alliesun]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
Women In Clergy
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

i work at a church - and found this one very funny. i passed it on to the (one) female pastor here, and she cracked up!


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[bearkat77]

You're welcome, Allie. Being a Catholic, I'm used to hearing those kind of jokes. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/smile.gif

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[SleepyHead]

With no irreverence intended to this great man,
John Glenn, the astronaut, because of his age,
nevertheless has been the brunt of many a joke.
There were a few surprises in store for everyone
when he made his second flight at his advanced
age. Here are a few.....

New automatic shut-off on turn signals were installed
to prevent endless embarrassment.

"Ask Me About My Grandchildren" sticker mysteriously
appears on shuttle exterior after Senator Glenn's spacewalk.

He was constantly looking at Earth from window and
remarking, "Now *that* didn't used to be there."

While others are on a space-walk, a confused Glenn yelled
out the window: "You darn kids stay outta my yard!"

Location of Senator Glenn's space suit belt raised to
just below the arm pits.

The Space Shuttle bathtub is now equipped with no-slip
flower decals.

They found that Poli-Grip can also be used to seal
leaky hatches.

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[SleepyHead]

PHONY PHOBIAS......

"No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick
freaks me out.".........................Phoebephobia

"Get that horrid centerpiece off my dinner table!"
.................................................. .Cornicopiaphobia


"The man in the red suit and white beard is driving
me to poverty!!"........................Santaclaustraphobia

"Aaah!!! Get this sweater off me!"
.................................................. ..Angoraphobia

"Are those diet pills approved by the FDA?"
.................................................. ..Phenphenophobia


"Get that horrid centerpiece off my dinner table!"
.................................................. .Cornicopiaphobia


"Wait! If we impeach him, then the new President
will be.."......................................aGoreophobia

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I am claustrophobic, so whenever I have to get on an
elevator I think of ANYTHING other then what is happening
outside those closed doors. Here are some things to
take your mind off of being at the mercy of a little box
traveling at great speed, hanging from chains and
cables and.....good grief....gave myself the willies!!

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.


Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.


On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
"plink" at the bottom.

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!" (Let 'em wonder!)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An Air Force cadet was almost killed in a tragic
horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse
and was nearly trampled to death. Thank goodness
the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Man overboard!" shouted the young sailor on his
first voyage. Amid great confusion, the ship was
stopped. The sailor stepped up to the captain,
saluted, and said: "I'm sorry, sir. I made a mistake
when I said 'Man overboard.'"
"Thank God!" said the captain, signaling for full
steam ahead.
"Yeah," explained the sailor, "it was a woman."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone
call while her parents were out. The man calling identified
himself as Colonel Hendrick. She asked if he would please
spell the name slowly. He said: "H as in horse, E as in egg,
N as in nose, D as in doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian,
C as in cat, K as in kite."
When her father returned, the message on the desk read:
"Daddy, please call Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Smith, the first sergeant reports that bottle of rye and bottle
of ginger ale was found in your locker. What do you make of that?"
Smith: "Highballs, sir!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX

Author Unknown

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

On their first date, Bob and Susie sat in the dark theater
waiting for the movie to begin. The screen finally lit up with
a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand. Bob and
Susie noticed the sound was missing. The film began but
silence continued.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd
shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The Coast Guard was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble.
Trying to get the yacht's location, the radioman called the
yacht and asked:
"What is your position? Repeat. What is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position. Well, I'm president
and CEO of a medium-sized computer software company
in Florida."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position
in his company. He wanted to find out something about her
personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation
with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian
on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl
approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to
spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her
and went back to her search. A short time later she came to
the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it." she said.
"What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
(So, shoot me!!)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida
mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years. Now,
one evening there was a community supper in the big
activity center. These two were at the same table, across
from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few
admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage
to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of "careful consideration," she
answered, "Yes, Yes I will." The meal ended and with
a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places.

Next morning he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did
she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would,
he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With
trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First he explained to her that he didn't remember as well
as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or
did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said 'Yes, yes I
will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

As a preschool teacher, Cheryl gets a lot of invitations to
come to her students' homes for dinner, to play, etc. But
one invitation she'll never forget. Shelley, 4, was standing
in line beside Cheryl waiting for a restroom break. She
lovingly grabbed Cheryl's hand, squeezed it and said,
"I love you! Would you like to come over to my house?
You can even spend the night! But, you'll have to sleep
with my daddy 'cause my mommy sleeps with me!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via
mail order?
It's called Suture Self.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Psychiatrist to his new nurse: "Just say we're very busy.
Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me
to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Doctor," the man said to his ophthalmologist, "I was looking
in the mirror this morning, and I noticed that one of my eyes
is different from the other!"
"Oh?" replied the doctor. "Which one?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor?
Doctor: A kite!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

What is the proper weight for an attorney?
About 3 pounds, not counting the urn.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

How would we measure hail without golf balls?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

All men are animals, some just make better pets.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

If you hear no evil and see no evil, call the TV repairman.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Bill Clinton ought to be able to serve another term.
I think 10-to-20 would be appropriate.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Did you hear about the blonde that tried to steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding.
That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"I locked my keys in the car and had to break the windshield
to get my wife out. ~ Red Skelton~

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?" ~Warren Hutcherson~

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been
brought here for drinking.' The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.'"
~Henny Youngman~

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
~Groucho Marx~
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On November 12, 2001 03:38 PM]

[SleepyHead]

"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen
hardened criminals." ~Ronnie Corbett~

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

ADDICTION

I'm really not an addict,
There is no need to shout;
But talking with my puter friends,
Has turned my life about.

I still do the grocery shopping,
And make a bed or two;
But instead of staring at the television
I spend some time with you.

I go with friends or family,
To dinner or a show;
I take the time to hear my kids,
Or to watch a flower grow.

But yes, you'll find me off and on,
Sitting on my puter chair;
And talking to my cyber friends,
Who always seem to care.

There are redeeming qualities,
And hear me if you will;
Since playing in this cyber world,
I've improved keyboarding skill.

In fact I feel at peace with life,
Things are going well;
The only thing it hasn't done,
Is teach me how to spell!

Anonymous

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his
ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a
sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young
boy where the post office was. When the boy had
told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll
come to the Church this evening, you can hear me
telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even
know your way to the post office."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

We had made some changes in our lives.
My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of
being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant.
When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my
husband a big
hug.
He seemed to cling to me longer than usual.
"Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked.
"No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes
that I hate to let you go."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

After his motion to suppress evidence was denied
by the court the attorney spoke up, "Your Honor,"
he said, "What would you do if I called you a stupid,
degenerate, old fool."
The Judge, now also angered, revered, "I would hold
you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended
from practicing before this court again!"
"What if I only thought it?" asked the attorney.
"In that case, there is nothing I could do, you have the right
to think whatever you may."
"Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record reflect,
I 'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old fool."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Two generals, one from the Army, and one from the
Air Force, were having a debate with a Marine general
about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point,
the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb
that flagpole, and once you're at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder',
and then jump off!"

"YES, SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole
like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps
off, hitting the ground at attention. The general dismisses him.
"Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over here,
private!" "YES, SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks,
scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, sing the
National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down,
head first."

"YES, SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task. "Now
that's a brave man!" brags the Army general, "Beat that!!"

The Marine general snaps at one of his men, "Private!"

"YES, SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack Using
only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of
Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says,
"FORGET THAT!! DO IT YOURSELF, FAT BOY!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The other day my wife, my son and I were at the beach.
Tommy, at 3 years, is generally very good about being
courteous and careful with other people. Like any child
his age however, he occasionally has lapses. On this
occasion he winged a Frisbee at my wife. After he did
so, I prompted him for the usual "gosh-I-really-had-no-
idea-- "Sorry."
I said, "Tommy, what do you say when you almost hit
someone with something?"
He immediately replied: "Duck!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny
hollers out, "Okay, everyone in the house, please be advised
that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool
of myself in sex education class by repeating stories concerning
storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A teacher was giving a lesson on slogans and was
asking his 10 year-old students if they were familiar
with them. "Joey," he asked, "which company has the
slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"
Joey answered the correct airline.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan,
"Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with
no difficulty.
"Now, Johnny, tell me which company bears the slogan,
'Just do it'?"
And Johnny answered, "Mom."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A friend of mine took her 4-year-old daughter to a baptismal
service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of
her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."
As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now
I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and hold your
nose."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

As most of you know, I adore word play.......or is that
play on words?? Whatever.....


You tell 'em, JUNE -- And don't July!

You tell 'em, LAMP-- I'm in the dark.

You tell 'em, MOUNTAIN-- I'm only a bluff!

You tell 'em, NUMBER-- You're the one.

You tell 'em, OPERATOR-- You've got their number!

You tell 'em, PLANE-- You're on the level.

You tell 'em, PLATO-- It's Greek to me.

You tell 'em, PRINTER-- I'm not your type!

You tell 'em, RAILROAD-- It's along your line.

You tell 'em, TOOTH-- You've got the nerve.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

If you are looking for a job, here are some pointers
NOT to say to anyone interviewing you......

Don't always mention your volunteer work. If it involves
something you did while wearing prison stripes, it might
not put you in a good light.

You can list your address, your phone number, your e-mail
and even your website, but do not tell them where the UFOs
come out to pick you up.

Computer skills do not include "looking for porn".

Know the company you want to apply at. Contrary to popular
belief, Drug Stores are NOT looking for drug pushers.

Many people think that "dressing-up" a position title will help,
but to most employers, "bovine sanitation engineer" still means
that you spent last summer shoveling poop in the stockyard.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

SPACE SHIP

The Russians claim to be the first to put a man in space
Their Sputnik led the way up there, beginning quite a race
At once America joined in, and not a bit too soon
We built a ship that quickly made a landing on the Moon

Now, other planets we explore, we're learning more each day
With high-tech instruments and such, we probe the Milky Way
We wonder if there's life out there in all that outer space
We also want to find more room for "too much human race"

The Russians and the USA now share no mortal strife
To build a station in the sky where man can spend his life.
Both nations have their well-made plans, each knows just what to do
To finish all their work up there and celebrate it too

My friend and I are working hard and having lots of fun
Because we're building our own craft to travel to the Sun.
Folks say the Sun will burn us up, I know that can't be right
We're not stupid, as they think, we'll make our trip at night.

By Jasper Cook

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I gave my son a hint on his first day of high school. On his
bedroom room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier
pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only
delivers messages to their destination, but knocks on
the door when it gets there.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

When Kevin was 5 he received his first sacrament
at church -- bread and water.
When he got home he said, "Well, they served us lunch,
but it wasn't very much!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home.'"
"It sounds like you have the Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is that common? "
"It's not unusual."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"
First soldier: "Whyever not?"
Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another
soldier to dessert!"
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On November 12, 2001 03:51 PM]

[SleepyHead]

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed
and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their
engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the
unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together and sent them back with
a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot
remember which one is you -- please keep your
photo and return the others."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers
ever go to heaven?"
"Of course they do!" answered his mother. "What makes
you ask that?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw
any pictures of angels with beards."
"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there
by a close shave."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little wine, some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and
mine is in Cincinnati.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So
I suggested the kitchen.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric
bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets,
and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She
hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

I admit the last fight really was MY fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"
And I said, 'Dust!"
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On November 12, 2001 03:58 PM]

[SleepyHead]

The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that
court would be adjourned for the day and he would
have to return the next day. "What for?" the lawyer
yelled at the judge.
The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the
lawyer's rude treatment, roared, "Fifty dollars....
contempt of court. That's why!" Upon noticing the
lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now."
The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to
say three more words."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Two women were paired together as partners in a club
tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "If I may ask, what's
your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that
she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the
bad ones!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A young kid was walking past an old woman in the street
when she said to him, "Son, can you see me across the
street, if it`s not too much bother"
So he courteously obliged, walked to the other side of the
street and hollered back at her, "Yes. I can see you!!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband
to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon
rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked,
"If I baked these commercially, how much do you think
I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his newspaper my husband
replied, "About 10 years."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what
the weather would do.
A group of people went up to the chief and asked him,
"What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."
The next day it rain--very hard. Some more people went
up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like
tomorrow?"
"Much snow. Very cold."
Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold. The next
day, the people were so impressed with this, they asked
him one more time.
"Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

CANNIBAL CUISINE......

I have been told I have a weird sense of humor......
is that ALL bad???

Been to dinner with any cannibals lately?? Here is what
you may have seen on the buffet.....

Baked Alaskan

Feetloaf

Canadian Kevin Bacon

Patè LaBelle

Eyes-a-Roni

Herb Stew

Dork Chops

Juan Tongue Soup

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Why should an obese woman eat her meals outside
sitting on the sidewalk?
Because it is the best way to curb her appetite.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A person with six children is more satisfied than a person
with $6 million.
Reason: The one with $6 million wants more.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

It has been so hot that the grapes on my Fruit-of-the-Loom
label turned to raisins.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges
were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some guidelines," said the professor,
to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the
opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked
of the young lady from Rice.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M.
"How about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor
said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it!!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited.
His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young
doctor told her to send him in.
Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just
as the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is $200. Yes,
I'll expect you ten past two. No later. I'm a very busy man."
He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"
"No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me! I just can't stop
my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?" asked the doctor.
"Not really. I spill most of it!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders
a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and
shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter
and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man,
I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following
definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian
origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats shoots and leaves."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Q: What do you call a canary that forgets to go south
in the winter?
A: A brrrrrr-d.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Q: Did you hear about the magician who had to postpone
his magic show?
A: He had just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On November 12, 2001 04:08 PM]

[SleepyHead]

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it, or should we stay
here for a few days and out number them?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother
came out to check on him, she saw that he was slowly
eating a worm. Gasping, she turned pale.
"No, Johnny! Stop, now! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm
is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she ain't," said little Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?"
"Because I ate her first!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A second grader came home from school and said to her
mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies
today." The mother, more than a little surprised and worried,
tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she hesitantly, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and
add 'es'."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60
seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours
in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me
how many seconds there are in a year?"
All the kids looked baffled by the question except
Rufus, who raises his hand and waves it excitedly.
"Yes, Rufus, how many seconds are there in a year?"
the teacher asked.
Replied Rufus, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February
second, March second..."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Lately, standing around in the town's only grocery store,
the thing I hear most is "Thank goodness school starts
again soon!!" Everytime I hear it I think of those poor,
underpaid teachers......

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge,\
even if slightly green.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from
Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers have nightmares of having kids of their own
some day.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size
and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat
of their chair.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"They think they can make fuel from horse manure........
Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles
to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning."
-Billie Holliday-
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On November 12, 2001 04:12 PM]

[SleepyHead]

"Everything is drive-through these days. In California they
even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
- Wil Shriner-

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax
machine and paper shredder. Either we hooked it up
wrong or a lot of people are faxing him confetti."
-Anthony Clarke-

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live
in an institution?
-Groucho Marx -

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked
him outside."
-- Roseanne-

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau. No one was there.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Q: Who was the best financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was
in liquidation.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

I have a mind like a steel trap - Rusty and illegal in 37 States.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are
the neighbors.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

THE HAND

Last night I held a lovely hand,
A hand so small and neat,
I thought my heart would burst with joy,
So wildly did it beat.
No other hand unto my heart
Could greater pleasure bring
Than the dear one I held last night--
Four aces and a king.

Anonymous
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On November 12, 2001 04:17 PM]

[SleepyHead]

Everybody wants to rule the world...ever wonder if
God is a woman??

There would be no cellulite.

Men would be born with an "OFF" switch.

Every man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife.

Men would come with software to be custom designed.

Men would come equipped with homing device for quick
location by wife.

Men would have built in lie detector on forehead for instant
verification of truth.

And last but certainly not least.....

Babies would come from vending machines.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A man bought a parrot. It sat in its cage all day saying,
"Cracker want a polly. Cracker want a polly."
The man's friend heard the bird and said, "That bird is
really stupid!"
The owner said, "No, his name's Cracker, and he's just
very, very lonely."
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On November 12, 2001 04:20 PM]

[SleepyHead]

SAILING SHORTIES
A sailor who met a widow was soon second mate.

Sailors usually like their pier group.

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven C's.

A sailor has ties to home but is knot there often.

I was going to go sailing and went shopping for a hat
but started to reconsider when they gave me a stern
look and asked for my capsize.


Is a leak in the back of a boat a stern warning?

A guy who inherited two yachts had a paradox

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

At a St. Louis post office, a woman complained to the clerk
that a Pony Express rider used to get a letter from Milwaukee
to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know
why," she scoffed.
The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "Maybe because
the horses are a lot older now?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Two catty older women were rivals in a social circle. They met
one day at a party.
"My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"
"They are," replied the second woman.
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,"
smiled the first woman.
The second woman responded, "Yes, but for that you would
need real teeth."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Mr. Lee was terribly overweight so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have
lost at least 5 pounds."
When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my
instructions?"
Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

While spending a quiet day relaxing and staring out the
window, Joe hears the phone. He answers and hears,
"I am the viper, and I am coming."
Joe was aghast and bewildered. The next day he received
a similar phone message, "I am the viper and in two days
I will arrive."
Joe was jittery. Who, or what, is this viper? So for two days
Joe's life was miserable. He couldn't sleep or eat. He just
sat watching the hours pass. By the time the second day
had arrived Joe was a bundle of nerves. His hair was
messed, clothes wrinkled, and he hadn't shaved in days.
Then the doorbell rings. Joe realizes he must face reality
and conquer his fears.
He throws open the door only to see a small man dressed
in overalls, holding a bucket and squeegee. "Who the heck
are you?" exclaims Joe.
"I am the viper, vich vindow vould you like me to do first?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

HILARIOUS HEADLINES.......

Doctor Testifies In Horse Suit

Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation At High School
(Should I dare comment on that one??)

Police Discover Crack In Australia
(Hold on tight, Dev, don't want to lose you!!)

William Kelly, 87, Was FED Secretary
(Did he have grey poupon with that??)

Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives
(Would work better than a whip, for sure!!)

Chinese Apeman Dated
(So THAT was who Britney was with last night!!)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On November 12, 2001 04:24 PM]

[SleepyHead]

TANTALIZING TRANSLATIONS
Our English language is soooooo hard to master.
But give other countries credit for TRYING to put
into words what we mean....even if it doesn't always
work.....

On a sign in Prague...............Garlic Coffee


On a menu in Turkey...............Boiled Frogfish


On a menu in Poland..............Roasted duck let loose
(NOW I know where my geese go in the winter!!)

On a menu in Japan............... Teppan Yaki ------
Before Your Cooked Right Eyes
(At least you can't call him Lefty!!)

Name of a Greek soft drink..... Zit
(Ewww...Hope I never get THAT thirsty!!)

On a menu in Nepal..................Fried friendship
(I've heard of them going sour, but FRIED??)


On a menu in Spain.................Goose Barnacles
(And what part, pray tell, is THAT??)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

If the hair over the eyes is called "eyebrows",
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

The judge read the charges, then asked,
"Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer
to do the defendin', I'm the guy who done it."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050
there will be more lawyers than humans.
(Think about it...think...)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

A phrase never to say if answering the phone at an
Incontinence Hotline.....Can you hold please?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

New slogan for "Hair Club for Men"..............
'Oh what a tangled web we weave'

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[SleepyHead]

Why is a government worker like a shotgun with
a broken firing pin?............ It won't work and you
can't fire it.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)