A Few Clean Laughs Part II [Archive]

bearkat77

Jun 13, 2001, 11:52 PM

HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB AT.......

Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill

Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician

Brown: Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience

Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity

Cornell: Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure

Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it

Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest

Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark

Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him

MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch

Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation

Middlebury: Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion

Stanford: One, dude

Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one

Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students

Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket

Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do

Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student

University of New Hampshire, Durham: Four--one to walk to the general store and have them order a lightbulb from Concord, one to pick it up in 6-8 weeks, one to screw it in, and one to go to his class and sleep for him while he is doing it

Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it

Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress

Boston University: Three--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework

Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know,military-industrial complex and all that

Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out

Virginia: Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr.Jefferson.

Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb,one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in

Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time

Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their lightbulbs

West Virginia University: Light bulb? Whats a light bulb....? We don't have those in West Virginia. We use coal oil lamps.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif

Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 13, 2001, 11:53 PM

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif

Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:03 AM

"The mathematical probability of a common cat doing
exactly as it pleases is the one scientific absolute
in the world." - Lynn M. Osband-

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:33 AM

DAFFY DEFINITIONS........

Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone
serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section.
(Didn't think the Three Stooges were this classy, huh?)

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid,
such as your septic tank.
(We had one that stayed drunk all the time on the yeast!!)

Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.

Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans, and tofu.

Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.

Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper;

Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.

Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:37 AM

THE MIGHT OF WRIGHT........

Steven Wrightisms are becoming very popular. He is very witty
and gets right to the point!!

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
have the pen!

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the
money go?

Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to
'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny."

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you
wave a fan club?

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't
know what to feed it.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On June 14, 2001 09:59 PM]

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:38 AM

SCHOOL DAZE.......

Here are some things for that educational time of the school
day....Show and Tell.......hillbilly style.

A cowpie clock made in Sunday school last year.

A tractor tire that killed your cousin.

Your lucky rabbit's foot, that your cousin had with him
when he got ran over by that tractor.

A possum skull from last nights dinner.

Grandma's pantaloons, the ones you use as a swing.

Roadkill. That way you only have to carry one bag
(lunch and show and tell).

Your favorite entertainment system: your family's bug zapper!

Your cow chip collection, paying special attention to the ones
that look like former presidents!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:39 AM

PUN FUN........

Southern girls are quick on the drawl.
~~~~~~~
Many a woman who thinks she has purchased a dress for
a ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.
~~~~~~~
Weather forecasters have to have lots of degrees.
~~~~~~~
The fireplaces of oriental doctors have an Asian flue.
~~~~~~~
Some girls string a guy along, only to see if he's fit to be tied.
~~~~~~~
A farmer wanting to kill a chicken has to move faster than a
speeding pullet.
~~~~~~~
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll.
~~~~~~~
Open only from 7 P. M. until midnight, the U.S. Treasury facility at
Burbank, California is known as . . . the world's largest after-dinner
mint.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:43 AM

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye
dog.They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring
the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, proceeds
to lead the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic.This,
of course, is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring
as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk
on the other side of the street.
The man then pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he
offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control
his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you
rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,
"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:50 AM

These are hilarious!

Ask for his ID...I dare you (http://www.ugrin.com/pictures.php?101-350)

Into each life some rain must fall (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010223-buffg)

Give it the ol' heave-ho!! (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010227-buffg)

"Tiger" Woods' baby picture?? (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny831.html)

<A HREF="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny830.html" TARGET=_blank>I hate when friends just drop in
</A>

It's a long way to Tipperary (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270207)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:51 AM

A soldier went up to the Company cook and said,
"If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and
dirt in the food."
The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your
own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"
"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend
it, not to eat it."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:51 AM

A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith
healer, but wasn't getting any better."
The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice
did this phony give you ?"
"He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:52 AM

A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man
who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The
restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with
a card that read: SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.
The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders
and shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone
to the restaurant man. He had sent to the funeral a clover
design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon
bearing the inscription:
BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:52 AM

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her
idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I
marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be
musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you
want, get a TV!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jun 14, 2001, 09:54 AM

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean,
looking for something to do. They came up underneath a
ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster,
swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything
on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on
board.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over
those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't stop myself once
I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 15, 2001, 09:06 PM

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 15, 2001, 09:09 PM

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 15, 2001, 09:11 PM

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
* And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
* Uh-oh.
* I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.
* Better crank up that anesthesia.
* I don't think that was supposed to come off.
* Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.
* Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.
* Hey....maybe the janitor knows what this is.
* Cool! These colors are giving me flashbacks.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 20, 2001, 09:37 PM

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 20, 2001, 09:38 PM

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, during which he announced: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give $1 million or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the $1 million?"

The guy replied, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 20, 2001, 09:41 PM

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The Taxi driver said, "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 21, 2001, 08:51 PM

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

One gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very good," said the group leader, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction." "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 weeks." Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, "Why your mother-in-law's home?" Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 22, 2001, 10:23 PM

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passersby pulled him from the
wreck and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing
in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 22, 2001, 10:24 PM

"Worst Fortune Cookie Fortunes"

"What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?"

"Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops."

"Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt."

"Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan."

"Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids."

"Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application."

"Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck."

"Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 23, 2001, 08:48 PM

You know you're comsumed by the computer age when...

You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

You have 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor in years.

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

You get an extra phone line at home so you can receive phone calls.

You wake up to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.

You start tilting your head sideways when you smile.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 23, 2001, 08:49 PM

When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage.

To help, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 23, 2001, 08:50 PM

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

Had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 24, 2001, 10:55 AM

A police officer on a motorcycle pulled up to a man driving on the highway.

"Pull over," the officer said. The driver pulled over to the side of the road.

"I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?" the driver asked.

"No, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."

The man replied, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 24, 2001, 10:56 AM

"Camping Tips"

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.

A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Effective January 1, 2002, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 24, 2001, 10:56 AM

"Money"

It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

It can buy you Sex
But not Love

So you see, money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend.

I am your Friend, and as your Friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By bearkat77 On June 24, 2001 10:57 AM]

bearkat77

Jun 25, 2001, 09:11 PM

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for commiting this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983...........

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jun 27, 2001, 08:42 PM

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:02 PM

The well-dressed businessman was walking
down a dark street in New York's garment
district when he was accosted by a mugger.
Ordered to hand over all his money, the
businessman did so, placing one hundred
dollars in the mugger's open hand.

When he'd surrendered all his money, the
businessman casually retrieved two dollars
and slipped them back into his money clip.

The crook looked on in amazement, "What
are you doing??" he demanded.

The businessman replied, "I always take a
two percent discount for cash transactions."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:03 PM

Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement
for 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:

"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages,
bitter cold, long months of complete darkness,
constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour
and recognition in case of success."

If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000s:

"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost,
cool sights, fun nights, thrills galore, insurance
available. Get your picture in Outside magazine."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:06 PM

A business executive injured his leg skiing one
weekend. By the time he got home Saturday,
the leg was very swollen and he was having
difficulty walking, so he called his physician at
his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot
water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg
became more swollen and painful.

His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know,
I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better
to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried
switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly
subsided.

On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to
complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you
anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water,
and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water
and it got better."

"Really?!?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand
it; my maid said hot water."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:06 PM

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.
"My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am so
bloody hideous that no one will associate with me,
touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better
about themselves is my area of expertise. I can
start making you feel more confident about your
appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?"
she asked.

"First things first. Just walk over to the other side
of the room and lie face down on my couch."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:08 PM

"About Bad Dates"

Girls, you know it's a bad date when..

You order a Double Whopper and he says,
"Hey, my name ain't Rockefeller, honey!"

You've never heard someone speak with
such passion about an ant farm.

He seems to know an awful lot about your
shower routine.

Your dinner reservations are under, "Loser,
party of 2."

He's especially proud of how long he can sustain
a burp.

Calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as
the stand off with the police is over.

He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer,
twice.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:08 PM

"About Bad Dates"

Guys, you know you're on a bad date when:

She whispers to the waiter, "Please kill me."

All she talks about is how great it is working
for Heidi Fleiss.

You catch her giving her phone number to the
guy cleaning your windshield.

She lunges at you several times with a steak knife.

She keeps calling you "Bachelor Number Two."

"Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?"

She transitions the conversation by saying, "I've said
enough about me. What do you think about me?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:10 PM

"Baby Names"

Are you expecting a baby? Trying to find just
the right name for your child? Why not pick
one of these? Just find your profession below
and we have the right name for you!

Lawyer's daughter: Sue

Thief's son: Rob

Lawyer's son: Will

Doctor's son: Bill

Fisherman's daughter: Annette

Meteorologist's daughter: Haley

Steam shovel operator's son: Doug

Hair stylist's son: Bob

Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb

Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary

Sound stage technician's son: Mike

Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank

Gambler's daughter: Bette

Gambler's son: Chip

Exercise guru's son: Jim

Cattle thief's son: Russell

Painter's son: Art

Iron worker's son: Rusty

TV star's daughter: Emmy

Movie star's son: Oscar

Barber's son: Harry

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:11 PM

"Camping Tips"

You can compress the diameter of your rolled
up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo
camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam
shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods
alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or
a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an
excellent side dish.

A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes
an excellent hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating
Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the
wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot
made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite
makes excellent kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing
any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only those
that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for
generations. The sight of a bald man, however,
does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation
on a winding mountain road behind a large motor
home.

Effective January 1, 2001, you will actually have to
enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers
in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them
on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood
can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:12 PM

A man was driving to work when a truck ran
a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked
him out cold. Passersby pulled him from the
wreck and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be
tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was
calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing.
I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge,
flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing
in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:13 PM

Mike was lying on his deathbed. "You only have
a little while longer in this world," the kindly parish
priest warned the sick man. "If there is anything
you would like before you go, I shall do my best
to get it for you."

The weakening patient replied,"Father, I'd like
to hear the village band play once more."

The band was summoned and played its best,
after which Mike remarked, "Now I can die happy.
There'll be nothing in hell worse than that."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:14 PM

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand
new business much like his own opened up
next door and erected a huge sign which read
BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor
opened up on his right, and announced its
arrival with an even larger sign, reading
LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got
an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over
his own shop. It read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 01:15 PM

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 02:02 PM

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in thebottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
*****
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
*****
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
*****
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
*****
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
*****
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
*****
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
*****
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it, you will eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes.
*****
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
*****
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy
finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
*****
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
*****
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
*****
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
*****
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
*****
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?
*****
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
*****
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
*****
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. * Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or,longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add someAlka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch ofproblems at once.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 02:03 PM

CALIFORNIA BEACH

A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. All of a sudden,
he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above
his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish." The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over
anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the logistics
of that kind of undertaking. The supports required
to reach the bottom of
the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but is is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more
time and think of another wish, a wish you think
would honor and glorify
me." The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand women. I want to know
how they feel inside,
what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry,
what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I
can make a woman truly
happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or
four on that bridge?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 02:04 PM

DEAR PASTOR
(letters from the kids)

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you.

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 02:05 PM

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood, one from Georgia, the other an Alabamian, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white, pillared mansion.

The Georgia peach said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Alabama commented,"Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in the drive."

Again, the belle from Alabama commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second lady commented,"Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm
school," declared the Bama belle.

"Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Alabamian responded, "So that I could learn to say, 'Isn't that nice' instead of 'Who gives a cr@p.'"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 02:06 PM

mebbe a tad mature...

We's Privates

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to
Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey,
Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drink."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside.

"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants
now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you
feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the
dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the! okay
sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of
gonorrhea.

"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the
privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 02:08 PM

A young man goes into a drug store to buy
condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms
come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which
the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've
been seeing this girl for a while and she's
really hot. I want the condoms because I
think tonight's "the" night. We're having
dinner with her parents, and then we're going
out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get
lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll
want me all the time, so you'd better give me
the 12 pack." The young man makes his
purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he
sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing,
and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying for several minutes. The
girl leans over and says, "You never told me
that you were such a religious person." He
leans over to her and says, "You never told
me that your father is a pharmacist."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 04, 2001, 02:08 PM

Marriage Quotes by Men

a.. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
b.. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

c.. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
d.. A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

e.. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
f.. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

g.. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
h.. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

i.. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 04, 2001, 09:53 PM

While your friends/family take their own sweet time shopping at the mall, here's a few things you can do to pass the time:

1. In house wares, set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

2. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in domestics," and see what happens.

3. Go to Customer Service and put some M&M's on layaway.

4. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR sign to the carpeted areas.

5. Set up a tent in the camping department.... tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

6. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"

7. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

8. Dart around the aisles suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

9. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "Pick me!! Pick Me!!."

10. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, any announcement, assume the fetal position and scream "NO, NO! It's those voices again!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 12:53 AM

A father took his 5-year-old son to several
baseball games where The Star-Spangled
Banner was sung before the start of each
game.

Then the father and son attended a church
on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled
Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little
boy suddenly yelled out,

"PLAY BALL!!!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 12:54 AM

The Fourth of July is one of the most important
American national holidays.

A few years ago, a group of Friends (Quakers)
were holding an international seminar on Orcas
Island, one of the San Juan Islands of northwest
Washington.

One British Friend said, "You Americans call it
Independence Day. We British prefer the term
Good Riddance Day."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 12:54 AM

At the doctor's office, the Nurse was taking my
blood pressure. She caused me some concern
by rechecking it twice, then said, "Hmmmm.
That's odd -- it's normal."

I replied I had taken my high blood pressure
medicine less than an hour ago.

She said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was losing
it. Normally when I take the men's BP readings
they're always on the high side."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 12:55 AM

The Ontario coed was anxious to see her parents
over the holidays. Access to their remote cabin
near Caribou Lake was limited, so she was
trying to talk a local bush pilot into flying her home.

"But there's no place to land." he protested. She
told him of a clearing she had used last year. The
pilot agreed.

Upon approaching the clearing, it looked too short,
with a rise at the end. Going in on a wing and a
prayer the lil' plane skidded along, hit the rise, then
flipped over.

Once safely out of the plane, the girl smiled and said,
"Yep. They had to land the same way last year too."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 12:56 AM

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him
sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey,
what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's
hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or
brunette or a redhead ?"

"Neither. He's bald."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 12:58 AM

The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was
time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '. "Jane,
your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's.
In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon,
I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you
give me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds
silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a
dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that
had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your
sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be
amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at
the end of the month, the manager called her in again
and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she
asked.

Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the
right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "

"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager
encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who
told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most
exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She
went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight
As and was the most popular girl in her class, I said
'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing.

My next customer said she needed a formal dress for
the spring ball at the country club, which she was in
charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she
had the best figure of anyone on the committee and
her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic'
and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds
of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week:
the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic',
and they keep buying."

"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just
as a point of interest, what did you used to say to
customers before you discovered your power word?"

Jane shrugged. "Well, I used to say, 'Who gives a d***?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 12:58 AM

You know you're old when you need glasses....
to find your teeth.

LadyHawke

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 12:59 AM

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed
in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in
the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for
me and one handsome young man. As I continued my
underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam,
he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him
coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't
get out until you did."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 02:03 AM

COUNTING PECANS

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the
cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and
sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy
came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought
he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.

"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at
the cemetery". He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the
bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick,"
said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are
down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin'
the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of
Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one
for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and
we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes
before the boy.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 02:06 AM

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see
the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 05, 2001 02:11 AM]

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 02:18 AM

WWJD ?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But since
critical dogma insists that the actual writers of a document or phrase
know less about their work than anyone else, the most assured results
of recent scholarship disclose that the initials WWJD really stand for
"What Would Jesus Drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because
"the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a
Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The
passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and
terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are
warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long
blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk
about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where
Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a
Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in
the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:
"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda
....."The Apostles were in one Accord."!!!!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 02:19 AM

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing
the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The
revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new
families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that!
We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:01 PM

A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for
the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the
bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the
newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this
new drink he says "I'll have a waterloo too."
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink. He takes a big
drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like
water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says "Well, it
is water...right, Lou?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:02 PM

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses.

The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long
draught, then another, and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out
his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?
That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey, and the
bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls
out a bottle of wine, takes a few sips, throws the wine into the
air, pulls out his gun, and shoots it in midair.

The Oregonian can't believe his eyes. "What the heck did you
do? That was a perfectly good bottle of wine!"
The Californian says, "In California, we have plenty of wine, and
bottles are cheap."

So, a while later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer
Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the
whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls
out his gun, and shoots the Californian.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the heck did you do that?!"

The Oregonian replies, "In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians,
but the bottles are worth a nickel."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:04 PM

BEAUTIFUL BLOOPERS.......

Even in church bulletins you can find unintentional humor....

Attend today and you will hear an excellent speaker and
heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host and evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment and gracious hostility.

Ladies bible study will be held Thursday morning at 10.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
the B.S. is done.

Next Sunday Mrs.Vinson will be soloist for the morning
service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible
experience".

The Weight Watchers group will meet at 7pm at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors
at the side entrance. (*MY* WW meeting IS held in a church!!)

Today's Sermon: "How Much Can A Man Drink?" with hymns
from a full choir.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:08 PM

OLD AND BOLD.....

Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their
toes with your rocker.

Some people try to turn back their odometers ... not me ...
I want people to know why I look like this. I've traveled a
long way and some of the roads were NOT paved.

Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is
that time when you know when to say yes, when to say no,
and when to say WHOOPEE!

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back
to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you're getting old when everything either
dries up or starts to leak.

Spring is here and so am I,
But at my age I wonder why.
If nature can be born anew,
Why can't I be recycled, too?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:09 PM

While I was in the Air Force in Vietnam, I was in charge
of a parts-supply depot where the only relief from the heat
was provided by an electric fan in my office. One morning
I accidentally caught my finger in it, and a field ambulance
was summoned. When the attendant arrived, he saw the
injury was minor. In his report, he wrote, under reason for
injury: "Hand-to-fan combat."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:09 PM

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several
night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant
fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale
so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference?"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a college education."
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 05, 2001 01:10 PM]

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:10 PM

Reporter: And how did you win the Distinguished Service Cross?

Private: I saved the lives of my entire regiment.

Reporter: Wonderful!
And how did you do that?

Private: I shot the cook.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:11 PM

At the conclusion of his lecture to a group of young recruits, the
legendary paratrooper asked for questions. A hand shot up.
"What made you decide to make that first jump, sir?"
Without hesitating, the paratrooper replied," An airplane at
eighteen thousand feet with three dead engines."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:12 PM

CHURCH CHUCKLES........

You might be in a Southern church if ....

The doors are never locked.

The Call to Worship is, "Y’all come on in!"

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.

The Preacher says, "I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering" and five guys stand up.

The restroom is outside.

Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an
official church holiday.

A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck
because, "I ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get me out of."

A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."

People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish
were bass or catfish.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:12 PM

HILARIOUS HEADLINES.....

Children's Stool Great for Use in Garden
(recycled diapers....hmmmmm)

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
(Nah, I won't say it.....)

New Housing For Elderly Not Yet Dead
(Only in America!!)

Hershey Bars Protest
(Was it started by a bunch of "nuts?")

Missouri Gas Chamber Ruled Unsafe
(For whom, may I ask??)

Store Clerk Better After Being Shot
(Rough training program!!)

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She
Hasn't Seen in Years
(Sick..sick...so shoot me after you stop laughing!!)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:13 PM

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES.......

Sometimes, the "little people" don't hear things
quite right.....especially songs.....

God bless America.....thru the night with a light from a bulb!

0h, Susanna, oh, don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!

Give us this day our deli bread.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.

We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.

Bringing in the Sheets.

Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all
creatures, HERE WE GO!

While shepherds washed their socks by night.
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 05, 2001 01:18 PM]

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:19 PM

A young woman ducked into an exclusive (no kids allowed)
dress shop leaving her five-year-old son in charge of his one-
year- old sister. When she finally emerged, there was her son
pushing a different stroller, her daughter nowhere in sight.
"Daniel? What are you doing?" she said. "That's not your sister!"
"Shhhhhh, Mom," he replied. "This is a much better stroller."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:19 PM

Abe, an old Jewish man, was dying. On his deathbed, he
looked up and said, "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."
So Abe asks, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we're all here," say the children.
Abe inquires, "Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
So Abe sits up and yells, "THEN WHY THE HECK IS THE
LIGHT ON IN THE KITCHEN?!?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:20 PM

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can
think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example
of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:20 PM

A mother skunk was always in a panic because she
couldn't keep track of her two tiny ones. One was
named Out and the other In. When Out was in, In was
out. One day she saw Out but couldn't find In. She
told Out to go out and bring In in. In about twenty
seconds, Out brought In in. Surprised, the mother
skunk asked, "How did you find him so fast?"
The tiny skunk answered, "It was easy - In stinct!"

(Tsk, tsk...are you groaning again??))

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 05, 2001, 01:21 PM

An American tourist traveling in Limerick came across a little
antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for an
unbelievably low price, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in
the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed
by Saint Patrick himself.

Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the
antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the
genuine skull of Saint Patrick."

"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years
ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even
the same size!!"

"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull
of Saint Patrick when he was but a lad."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 05, 2001, 10:30 PM

A teacher was grading a test from the day before, and she realized a girl had copied off her partner's paper. So she called the girl over and said, "Sue, why did you copy off Helen's paper?"

Sue answered, "Why do you say that?"

The teacher answered, "Well, on the first question Helen answered 'no,' and you did, too."

Sue said, "So what? That doesn't prove anything."

"Well, on the second answer, Helen answered 'yes,' and you did, too."

Sue shrugged and said, "So what?"

"Well, on the third answer, Helen answered 'I dont know,'" the teacher continued, "and you put 'I don't know, either.'"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 05, 2001, 10:31 PM

TOP EIGHT MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS

8. Susan Lucci--Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
7. Jenny McCarthy--Struck by a random thought
6. Frank Sinatra--Killed by 'Stranglers in the Night'
5. RuPaul--Prostate cancer
4. O.J. Simpson--Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
3. Madonna--Exposure
2. Al Gore--Dutch Elm Disease

The No.1 MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS:

1. Bill Gates--Falls out of a Window

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 05, 2001, 10:32 PM

HOW TIMES CHANGE

Patient: "Huh? What? Where am I?"

Nurse: "You're in the hospital. You've been in a coma."

Patient: "How long was I in a coma?"

Nurse: "Ten years"

Patient: "Wow... Who's President?"

Nurse: "Bush"

Patient: "How's the economy?"

Nurse: "Lotta layoffs"

Patient: "Who else is in the White House?"

Nurse: "Cheney and Powell"

Patient: "Are we by any chance bombing Iraq?"

Nurse: "Yep"

Patient: "HOW long was I..."

Nurse: "Ten years"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 06, 2001, 12:53 AM

Some more look-sees:

Pssst....wanna hear a secret (http://uGrin.com?101-343)?

He's going to be a "class" act (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010214-buffg) soon...

A man's best friend (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010216-buffg)....starting early

Don't spit it out (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny847.html)!!

Don't talk with your mouth full (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny846.html)!

Who's the dummy (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270631) here?

Have you tried praying for your dieting help (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.11.964)?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 05, 2001 12:57 PM]

SleepyHead

Jul 06, 2001, 12:58 AM

Stephanie, a teenage girl, had been talking on the phone
for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk
for two hours. What happened?"
The teen replied, "Wrong number."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 06, 2001, 12:59 AM

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came
to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote,"No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in
the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 06, 2001, 12:59 AM

SleepyHead

Jul 06, 2001, 12:59 AM

I overheard an interesting conversation between two small
boys, not yet old enough to be in school:
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a
living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 05, 2001 01:00 PM]

SleepyHead

Jul 06, 2001, 11:01 AM

My church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and
twenties.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 06, 2001, 11:02 AM

I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for
the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 06, 2001, 11:09 AM

DEBATE WITH THE POPE

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had
to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate
with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could
stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle
aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition
to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be
allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed
to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass
of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I
give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still
one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me
to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out
the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He
pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for
everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What
happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days
to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he
told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know
that we were staying right here."

"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 06, 2001 11:14 AM]

SleepyHead

Jul 06, 2001, 11:16 AM

Some more look-sees...

Keyboard (http://uGRIN.com/?88-345)

Miss Hubberds Kids (http://uGRIN.com/?88-346)

Think Differently (http://uGRIN.com/?88-347)

HotDog (http://uGRIN.com/?88-348)

Lift Illusion (http://uGRIN.com/?88-349)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 06, 2001 11:17 AM]

bearkat77

Jul 06, 2001, 11:27 PM

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WAR OFFICE
Dept. of the Army
Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
Commencing January 12, 1920

1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.

2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.

3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.

4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.

5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.

6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.

7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.

8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.

9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.

10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.

11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.

12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.

13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.

14. Do not trust altitude instruments.

15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.

16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.

17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.

18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.

19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle.

20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting.

21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.

22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.

23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.

24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with it's controls and instruments.

25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 08, 2001, 05:03 AM

A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 08, 2001, 05:04 AM

International Dog Fight....

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that, if they continued in the usual manner, they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 08, 2001, 09:43 PM

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were talking over a picnic lunch. Hercules says "You know, everyone says I am the strongest mortal on the earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest, but how can I be sure?"

Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea... "You know, guys, I've got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."

Hercules says "Great, Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

Quasimodo gets up to leave and says "See you tomorrow. Boy, I'm going to find out for certain that I'm the ugliest."

The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules says, "I talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest."

Snow White says, "So did I, and I am truly the fairest. "

Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table and says,.... "Who the hell is Janet Reno?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 02:51 AM

FIRST TIME IN CHURCH

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers
passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that
everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 02:59 AM

EATING PEANUTS

The local Pastor was visiting the home of Sister Jones to comfort her
after the recent loss of her husband. "Come in Pastor." Stated Sister
Jones. "Have a seat on the sofa."

Sitting on the sofa, the Pastor eyed a dish of peanuts setting on the
coffee table. He took a few of the peanuts and began to eat them. After
ten minutes he noticed that he had eaten nearly all the peanuts. "Why
Sister Jones," said the Pastor, "It appears that I have eaten almost
all your peanuts."

"That's okay Pastor." replied Sister Jones. "Now that I have lost all
my teeth I only get to suck the chocolate off!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:08 AM

You can always tell if a man is henpecked because....

He wears the pants in the house – under his apron.

He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.

His wife doesn't have to raise the roof; all she has to do
is raise an eyebrow.

He always has the last word – he says, “I apologize”.

The last big decision she let him make was whether
to wash or to dry.

He was a dude before marriage – now he is subdued.

He married her for her looks, but not the kind he’s
getting now.

She even complains about the noise he makes, when
he is fixing his own breakfast.

He goes to a woman dentist – it’s a relief to be told to
open his mouth instead of to shut it.

Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bended
knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:09 AM

A million, billion years ago, it was a good thing that some
woman (haha) invented the wheel because....

It is one less thing for Al Gore to claim he invented.

While much faster than 30 minutes, catapult system for
pizza home delivery was never an inexact science.

Leather jackets or not, the Hell's Angels are far less
intimidating on donkeys.

Roulette would not be quite as exciting with everyone betting
on the corners.

Home gardening would really be a pain with a dragbarrow.

And just think of all the millions of slovenly hamsters that
would have unsightly love-handles!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:16 AM

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES.......

You wonder sometimes where the little darlins come
UP with these things!! Here are some test answers,
exactly how the kids wrote them.....

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due
time became the Father of our Country. Then the
Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution
the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.
(And *I* missed it...shoot!!)

On the night of April 14,1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth,
a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a
book called Candy.(People, I have to go wipe my eyes...)

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated
a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good
meat. (Do Depends leak if you laugh too hard??)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:27 AM

Some more look-sees...

Take control!!
control (http://uGRIN.com/?101-345)

Give yourself a lift!!
lift (http://uGRIN.com/?101-349)

Gotta hand it to the guy....
hand (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010708-buffg)

He's sleeping on the job
job (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20001127-buffg)

This little piggie....
little (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny794.html)

The neckbone's connected to the....
neck (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny793.html)

He definitely isn't colored blind
blind (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270869)

Hungry little booger!!
hungry (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270866)

It isn't Stevie Wonder calling!!
ring (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.10.924)

Guilty as charged
guilty (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.7.836)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:28 AM

A client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-
alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box,
I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the
rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had
grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned
forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:30 AM

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher
asks Tommy if he can spell BEFORE.

He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong."

The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:31 AM

I can relate to this, LOL!

The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and
informal prayer, when one man remarked, "I do some of
my best praying while I'm driving."
From the back of the room, in a quiet voice, the man's wife
agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while you're driving."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:31 AM

Eeewww, yuck!

When my son was three I saw him in the hallway crying,
holding up his hand, saying, "My hand! My hand!"
I took his hand lovingly and kissed it a few times and said,
"What's the matter, honey? Did you hurt it?"
He sobbed, "No, I got pee on it."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:32 AM

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out
and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the
door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.
Impatiently he got back in his car and pulled away. Then he
heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the
woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back.
Thinking the old man might be able to give him directions, he
made a U- turn and drove up to them.
"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know
how to get to Des Moines either."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:45 AM

The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and barked
at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the
first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of
bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching troops in
Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to
my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker -
that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.'
Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, First Sergeant!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling,
First Sergeant!"

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:47 AM

BUMPER SNICKERS.......

On an electric-company van..........Power to the People

On a pick-up camper.........Gone with the Whim

On a demolition-company truck.........Edifice Wrecks

On the rear of a huge truck........Pass on the right for that
official-off-the-shoulder look.

On a garbage truck..........Always at your disposal

On a recyclables truck........Things are picking up

On a camouflage colored car.........Wise guise

On a female pilot's car........A plane Jane

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:48 AM

QUIRKY QUOTES......

Erma Bombeck was, in my opinion, one of the most witty
and clever women who ever lived. Her wit will live for many
years to come. Here are some of my favorites quotes from
this great lady.

"Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and
I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead."

"Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said,
"No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what!"

"My kids were from an era in which a bride showed up at her
wedding in curlers, and when someone asked why, she said,
"We may go someplace special afterward."

Most children's first words are "Mama" or "Daddy."
Mine were, "Do I have to use my own money?"

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had
affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in
my life who would give up lunch for sex.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes
of anything you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer:
"THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE."
Loosely translated, this means, "You're on your own, Bernice."

"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and
he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:54 AM

Honey-Do List

Excerpts from a "house-husband's" diary may read as follows....

1). Make the beds. What a waste of effort, we're only going to
sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard ....... It snowed last night, I don't see
any dog poop. Kids, do you see any dog poop? Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners ....... Duhh ... I'm on
vacation, I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the
fuss? Think I'll go on the computer for a while.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet ....... Uhhhh, that's a hard one.
GOT IT, Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor ..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from
breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do ..... That tinfoil in the
microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way too easy.
I'll have lots of time for the computer.

7). Feed kids lunch ..... Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house
to go to? YESSSS! Scratch seven!!

8). Clean out hallway closet ...... Hmmmm ... another hard one.
That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Lunch time.
Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa, no lunch dishes.

9). Do laundry ..... no problem. I can do that while I'm on the
computer. Scratch nine.

10). Fold laundry ..... Wow! Ya know, I never noticed how many pink
things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask the little lady
why
she buys me pale pink underwear. Check this out -- a cashmere Barbie
sweater, cool. Scratch ten.

11) Put the laundry away .... Baskets in bedrooms work for me.
Scratch eleven. This is way too easy. Wonder why women always
complain about housework?

12). Water the hanging plants ... Ooooops, good thing the carpet
is absorbent. Scratch twelve.

13). Grocery shopping. Buy toilet paper .....These old newspapers
will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth ...
Scratch thirteen.

14). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah, right; we're talking about my kids
here. Parents will normally PAY to drop them back off. They'll be
back. Scratch fourteen. Wonder who's on the computer. I have
plenty of time.

15). Make dinner ..... Easy. "Hello, do you deliver? Uhhh, double
that. Ya know, we will need more dinner tomorrow." Scratch fifteen.

16). Clean out the dog house ...... Duhh, the dog sleeps in our bed.
Like that needs to be done. Scratch sixteen. WOW all done. Still
time for some more 'puter and a nap ... Man, this is sooooo easy.

(Note from Me: The obituary read..."He was found strangled in the
snow by the doghouse, wearing a pink t-shirt.")

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:55 AM

NEVER SAY DIE......

OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off

OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust

OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire

OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board

OLD ESKIMOS never die, they just get cold feet

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired

OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool

OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe

OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under

OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey

OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot

OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt

OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in

OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:58 AM

Too much partying?
party (http://uGRIN.com/?101-267)

Dad hasn't a clue
clue (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010108-buffg)

A little bribe goes a long way!
bribe (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010105-buffg)

Come on baby light my fire!
fire (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny799.html)

Want this in triplicate
want (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny797.html)

Shipping and handling isn't cheap, kid!
cheap (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270853)

BBQ---Southern style
BBB (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270854)

Special from our gourmet kitchen
kitchen (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.6.56)

A pressing matter
matter (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.6.36)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 03:59 AM

After a young couple brought their new baby home,
the wife suggested that her husband should try his
hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the
next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 04:00 AM

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay
for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly
newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered
Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that
she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary,
"Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete
deserved more and he'd give her three more words at
no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote
the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 04:01 AM

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while
eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him,
he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.
So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as
coldwater can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather
made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around
the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are
you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says,
"I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get
them, now don't ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to a movie.
As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was
lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he
was watching, his grandfather shouted, " Coldwater,
get your butt out of the way!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 05:49 AM

PUTER PROBLEMS.....

You know you are going to have to give up your
computer or your life when....

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind
you of what she looks like.

You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never
bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you that he has had his new beard
for two months.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 05:50 AM

A cop walks down the Santa Monica pier. He suddenly
hears a man screaming: "HELP! HELP ME! I CAN'T
SWIM! I CAN'T SWIM." The officer looks down the pier
and sees the man struggling in the water...
"Well that's a good thing sir, cause you're not allowed to
swim here."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 05:51 AM

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro
East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed
the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said,
"Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour
ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 05:52 AM

A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local
police force. The question asked, "If you were driving
a police car, alone on a lonely road at night, and were
being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty miles
an hour, what would you do?"
The young man answered without a second's thought
answered...... "Seventy!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 05:53 AM

QUIRKY QUOTES......

"I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark
attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the
Three Stooges?" -Larry Reeb-
~~~~~~

"In school I was never the class clown but more the class
trapeze artist as I was always being suspended."
-Rodney Dangerfield-
~~~~~~
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dogs, for they are subtle
and will pee on your computer." -Bruce Graham-
~~~~~~
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the
leather straps." -Emo Phillips-
~~~~~~
"In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said,
"Let there be Light." And there was still nothing, but
you could see it." -Anonymous-

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 06:00 AM

He's making a pig of himself
pig (http://uGRIN.com/?101-352)

She didn't want "nun"
nun (http://uGRIN.com/?101-353)

Wee Wanda's Working Wand
wand (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20000911-buffg)

Prayerful priorities
pray (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010310-buffg)

Prissy little puss
puss (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny790.html)

Golly, that grass tickles my belly!!
tickles (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny789.html)

Stop the presses!! Elvis has been found!!
elvis (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270865)

It's a screwy idea
screwy (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270856)

They only have eyes for each other
eyes (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.9.123)

An ingrown hare
hare (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.9.600)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 06:01 AM

Old Granny went to her doctor to see what could be done
about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour
in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 06:01 AM

It had been a particularly grueling day at the office for Bill.
His manager was on his case about his department's
drop-off in productivity and poor Bill hadn't even had a
chance to grab a bite to eat all day.
Around 3:00 PM the phone rang. His wife, Lynn, was
calling with some news that she thought would certainly
uplift his spirits and improve his day. Lynn said gleefully,
"Darling, I've got some good news. Please come home
early today, we are going to have my mother for dinner."
"Okay, I'm on my way", Bill replied, "and I'll have my slice
well done."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 13, 2001 06:02 AM]

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 06:03 AM

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football
team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack
into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot,
and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds.
"Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 13, 2001, 06:04 AM

It's just a joke, don't take nuttin' personal...

A guy goes into the store and says to the clerk,
"I would like some Polish Sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy says, "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian
sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? or if I had
asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was
German?? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if
I was Mexican?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

The guys says, "Well, why do you ask me if I'm Polish
just because I ask for Polish sausage????"

The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 14, 2001, 11:10 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
I can relate to this, LOL!

The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and
informal prayer, when one man remarked, "I do some of
my best praying while I'm driving."
From the back of the room, in a quiet voice, the man's wife
agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while you're driving."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oh, yeah! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/tongue4.gif

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 15, 2001, 01:10 PM

"Morning Sickness"

The neighbor dropped in on her friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.

Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."

"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 06:40 PM

Important Advice for Women

1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 06:42 PM

The minister had just finished an excellent
chicken dinner at the home of a member of his
congregation when he saw a rooster come
strutting through the yard.
"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you
have there," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason
to be proud -- one of his daughters has just
entered the ministry!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 06:57 PM

KITCHEN CLOSED ( this chick has had it! )

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

I'm creative you can't expect me to be neat too!

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ADJUST!

Ring Bell for Maid Service If no answer Do It Yourself!

I clean house every other day Today is the other day!

If you write in the dust.. PLEASE don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week ( too bad you missed it! )

A clean kitchen is ...the sign of a wasted life

COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I came
I saw
I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

You may touch the dust in this house but please don't write in it!

APOLOGY
Although you'll find our house a mess
Come in
Sit down
Converse
It doesn't always look like this
Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen ..and this kitchen is delirious.

If we are what we eat,
then I'm easy, fast,
and cheap

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a mis-spent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean EAT OUT!!

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen
and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen
just vending machines.

Gardening forever
. . .
Housework, never!

Dull women have immaculate houses.

I'd live life in the fast lane but I am married to a speed bump.

HOME RULES
If you sleep on it ... make it up.
If you wear it ... hang it up.
If you drop it ... pick it up.
If you eat out of it ... put it in the sink.
If you step in it ... wipe it off.
If you open it ... close it.
If you empty it ... fill it up.
If it rings ... answer it.
If it howls ... feed it.
If it cries ... love it!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:06 PM

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young
woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and, with a nervous
laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something
about this storm?"

To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 15, 2001 07:06 PM]

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:07 PM

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly
do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good
cook."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:21 PM

THE NUMBERS GAME.....

I am constantly being asked by readers for the
conversion of things from metric to our standard.
Here are a few conversions you may need to
know or wish you DIDN'T know....

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter......
Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup...........Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash............1 microscope

Weight an evangelist carries with God...........1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour.......
Knot-furlong

365 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling......
1 lite year

1000 aches................1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis.............1 hoarsepower

Half of the large intestine..........1 semicolon

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:22 PM

THE GREEN, GREEN GRASS OF HOME.......

Some small towns are so small that......

....the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight.

....in order to paint traffic lines, the road has to be widened.

....instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols.

....you have to make a reservation to use the parking meter.

....during snowstorms, salt is spread using a salad shooter.

....the local Motel 6 ONLY sleeps six.

....the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik.

....there is no town idiot -- everybody has to take turns.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:31 PM

Today 4 out of 5 doctors recommend another doctor.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:31 PM

I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice
to people I didn't even want to talk to.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:32 PM

We used to take life with a grain of salt. Now it is with 5
milligrams of Valium.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:32 PM

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with
a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:32 PM

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On July 15, 2001 07:33 PM]

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:33 PM

A man in California took a new pill to increase his virility.
It backfired and he got hemorrhoids.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:34 PM

T-SHIRT TIDBITS.......

Living near a beach area, you get to see quite an array of
wearing apparel. Some of the slogans on the t-shirts can
keep you in stitches....which is what some of these thong
bikinis are!!!!

Genealogy: Living in the Past Lane

This Body Is a Temple; Chocolate Worshipped Daily

The Problem With Opportunity Is That It Only Knocks,
While Temptation Kicks In the Door

On the back of a vet's shirt.......I Got to Vietnam Before
McDonald's Did

Mom and Dad Worked hard So I Could Have a College
Education; I'll Give Them Free Fries for Life

I haven't Lost My Mind; It's Backed Up on a Disk Somewhere

I Have the Body of a God; Unfortunately, It's Buddha

Cinderella Was Thrown Off the Basketball Team Because
She Ran Away from the Ball

A Good Lawyer Knows the Law; a Great Lawyer Knows
the Judge

I'd Rather Be in the Boat With a Drink on the Rocks Than
in the Drink With the Boat on the Rocks

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:35 PM

You KNOW you're in Texas when.....

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

You can make INSTANT instant sun tea."

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

You realize that asphalt DOES has a liquid state.

You discover it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked
out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:36 PM

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be
wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know!
You're still getting a ticket!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:37 PM

A middle aged woman was driving through a school
zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.
As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come
I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning?
Is it my face?"
"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:37 PM

Slim, not the brightest light in the harbor, walked into
the local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall.
Word for word he slowly read it out loud:
"MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN CALIFORNIA."
"Gosh," he said, "if that there job was only here in
TEXAS, I'd apply for it."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:38 PM

I was being chased on my motorcycle by the police for
5 miles and when I finally stopped the policeman asked
why I had not stopped sooner. I told him last night my wife
ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing
her back.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:39 PM

TROPHY KILL

My cousin in Arizona had the scare of his life.
The first sign of danger was the screaming of his wife.
He grabbed the nearest weapon, and headed in her direction.
A homemade digging bar was the weapon of selection.

His wife was in the driveway, having a conniption fit.
Her legs were moving like pistons, while screaming "Kill it, Kill it!'
He saw a great big snake stretched out on the ground,
About three feet long and four inches around.

He hefted the digging bar and threw it like a spear,
Which was his wisest move 'cause he wasn't getting near.
The bar struck its target, clipping off its head.
Now they can relax. The Rubber Snake is dead.

By Grady L. Duncan

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:39 PM

FIDO'S FOLLIES.......

All I need to know about life, I learned from my dog......

If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get
what you want.

When it comes to having something, if at first you don't
succeed, beg.

Don't go out without I.D.

Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel
by piddling on their shoes.

Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

Always give people a friendly greeting, a cold nose in the
crotch is effective.

When you do something wrong, always take responsibility
(as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).

If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:44 PM

friend (http://www.ugrin.com/?101-412)
or foe??

Is he coming (http://uGRIN.com/?101-328) or going?

man (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010606-buffg) just can't connect the dots

She doesn't appear tickled (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010624-buffg)

salad (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny801.html) anyone?

meaner (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny800.html) than that junk-yard dog

This fish got "caught (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270224)"

heaven (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270270) needs a satellite!

He needs (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.14.1) more than penicillin!

A "hare-y (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.7.857)" situation

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:45 PM

A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing
wedding." The wedding vows went like this:
"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say
may be held against you, you have the right to have an
attorney present.
You may kiss the bride."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:46 PM

The sermon had been going on endlessly. Finally the
minister's voice cracked and said, "What more can I say?"
One parishioner yelled, "How about `Amen'!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:46 PM

My mom admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the
kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the
dust on the mantel."
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, that's
why I married a college graduate."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:47 PM

During a visit to the ladies' restroom, my friend Addy heard
the woman in the next stall suddenly ask, "So how are you?"
Startled, Addy replied tentatively, "Fine."
The woman continued, "So what's new?"
Still confused, Addy said, "Not much. What's new with you?"
It was then that the woman snapped, "Do you mind? I'm on
the phone."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 15, 2001, 07:48 PM

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms, the second no legs, and the
third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're
all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead
instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast.
The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.
He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the
pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue
the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to
the surface and places the head at the side of the pool,
where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts,
"Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears.
Then five seconds before the whistle, some idiot puts
a swimming cap on me."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 15, 2001, 11:13 PM

Detective Training

Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives. If
not, they couldn't continue with the training.

Things had not gone well so far. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he show the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "..think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow, I can't believe it..it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

Tim

Jul 17, 2001, 09:11 AM

What do you call 10,000 lawyers in chains at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean?

A good start

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gifhttp://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gifhttp://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

------------------
Tim
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/churchill.gif
Tim Brent's Yellow Submarine Page (http://www.geocities.com/timbrent.geo)
The Beatles' Record Advertisements (http://members.tripod.co.uk/seltaeb)
The Beatles' Record Covers Yahoo! Club (http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/beatlesrecordcovers)

Beatle79

Jul 17, 2001, 10:28 AM

Why did an ant stand behind a tree?
So he could trip an elephant!
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh1.gif

------------------
you are the weakest link. goodbye!
what you talkin about willis?
we all live in a yellow submarine

HeyBeatle

Jul 17, 2001, 11:35 AM

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What
would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."

------------------
" Are you a mod or a rocker?"
" No I'm a mocker."

bearkat77

Jul 18, 2001, 09:12 PM

"Project Managers"

If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager

If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough m. f. project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you.
-dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can!
-messianic project manager

Get away, I'll kill us all!
-suicidal project manager

If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
-thoughtful but ineffective project manager

If I kill you I'll get in your way.
-project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
-project manager from New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed.
-project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
-weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, you'll get your way.
-pragmatic project manager

Kill me, it's the only way.
-every project manager to date

If we get in each others' way, who will get killed?
- An utterly confused manager

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 18, 2001, 09:13 PM

A fellow was endeavoring to borrow some money from a friend. The friend wanted to know why he didn't use his own money, and the fellow explained that everything he had was in a joint account.

"But you can draw money from a joint account," volunteered his friend.

"Not this joint account," explained the financially destitute husband. "Our joint account is in the name of my wife and her mother."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 18, 2001, 09:15 PM

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 18, 2001, 09:16 PM

On the way home from a party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

"Why no," the flattered husband said.

"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?" she yelled.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 18, 2001, 09:17 PM

A police car with flashing lights pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he concluded with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 22, 2001, 02:41 PM

"You Know It's Hot Outside When..."

**you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible

** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man

** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra tasty crispy"

** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper

** your pool water starts to boil in the sun

** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot

** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans

** a scalding hot show still cools you down

** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames

** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants

** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves

** you need a spatula to remove your clothing

** when the beer gut and the butt crack don't keep you from wearing shorts

** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather

** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!

** lawyers kill themselves because they know it's cooler in Hell

** the black flies are dropping faster than yours is

** you are sitting inside reading these jokes

** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 22, 2001, 02:43 PM

"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," the wife replied.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:14 AM

Wife: "Honey, this afternoon the big clock fell off the wall.
Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have
been hit on the head and badly hurt."
Husband: "I knew that darn clock was slow."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:15 AM

According to a new study, Americans now spend 94%
of their time indoors. What do you expect from a culture
that goes inside a gym to use a walking machine?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:15 AM

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not
brave enough to get a bikini wax.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:16 AM

The Postal Service announced that legendary Secretariat
(the great race horse for those who don't know) will be
honored with his own stamp. "That shows you how strange
life is for racehorses. You win the race, you wind up on the
front of the stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:16 AM

Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a
woman giving birth to a child.

She must be found and stopped.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:17 AM

Speaking of kabobs.....you know you have a wacky
chef when.....

Someone replaced his "Kiss the Cook," apron with
one that reads "Stop Me Before I Grill Again!"
On more than one occasion, the fire marshal has had
to warn him about using liquid nitrogen as starter fluid.

The kids have trouble telling the hamburgers from the
hot-dogs after he's done with them.

The Centers for Disease Control has named a new
strain of salmonella after him.

His secret ingredient is Jack Daniels . . . and sometimes
he even put some in the food.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:18 AM

While stationed in Washington, D.C., a man used
Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his
way to give a briefing at Fort Myer. To his surprise
he encountered a roadblock manned by the military
police.
An MP approached him and said in a stern voice,
"Are you supposed to be here?"
Unsure of what to say, he replied, "Not yet."
The MP held back a smile and waved him on.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:19 AM

Two sergeants had a bet who gives the smallest
sum as donation to the religious fund of the unit
in the chapel. Sergeant MacPherson put a buck
in the collection plate and looked triumphantly at
Sergeant MacCormic.
Sergeant MacCormic made the sign of the cross and humbly
pronounced: "For the two of us."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:20 AM

The young army doctor was stationed at a remote
dispensary in the South Pacific. One day he was
puzzled about treatment for one of his patients.
He radioed a base hospital: 'Have case of beriberi.
What shall I do?'
A prankster got hold of the message. This was the reply:
'Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything.'

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:30 AM

Toonsies

Spend some time (http://uGRIN.com/?101-42) searching

You can't fool (http://uGRIN.com/?101-355) Mother Nature

This should give them gas (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny764.html)

She sure can dish (http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny764.html) it out!!

Bet this check (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270012) doesn't bounce!

Must be Big Bird's second cousin (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270070)

Dad (http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.11.508), you asleep yet?

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:31 AM

A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a
middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes
out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up
to the man and asks what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
" I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:31 AM

Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop:
"Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink
flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those
bent-over grandma in bloomers."
Cashier reply's:
"That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for
the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an
apology to my wife!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:32 AM

Three weeks after her wedding day, Jill called her
minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had
a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half
as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its
first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Jill. "But what am I going to do
with the BODY?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:49 AM

Sometimes signs don't QUITE say what was intended.......

On a California freeway.........Fine for Littering

On the wall of a cleaning service........Able to Do the Worst
Possible Job

In a Kansas City optometrist's office....Broken lenses
duplicated here

In a fast-food parking lot...........Parking for Drive-Through
Customers Only

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore........Rare, out-of-print,
and nonexistent books (Duh???)

On the Triborough Bridge in New York......In Event of Air Attack
Drive Off Bridge (Ok, Yorkers, explain exactly WHY this sign
even exists, please!!)

At a basketball court in a North Carolina, YMCA........
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended
(Yahoo!! Looks like they know how to have "pun" here
in North Carolina!!)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:50 AM

Some people are always trying to make a fast buck.
Here are a few inventions that didn't (or shouldn't)
ever work.......

A freezer for Eskimos

Air-Bag Motorcycle jacket

Candy bars with stannous fluoride added.
(Get fat but have clean teeth!!)

Combs for bald-heads

Fine glass-crystal castanets

Foam rubber toothpicks

Mesh raincoat

Ejector seats for helicopters
(Hmmm, think about that one!)

Flavored suppositories

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:51 AM

Do you ever wonder what lies in store for all of us
in the future? Here are some possible headlines
for the year 2025....I'll be 61 then.

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union (I like this one!!)

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Court Clears AOL-TimeWarner/GE-Disney/Cisco-Ford-
RJR-Nabisco/Exxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

Baby Conceived Naturally

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums
Overcame Lurid Past with US President (yeah, right!!)

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome
Young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams.

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With His Ex-Wife

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy
Striper's Allegations.
(Some things just NEVER change!!)

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:52 AM

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling
secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with
an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature
and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer,
I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were
plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast,
so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:58 AM

Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son
out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss
the cat on his bed.
"That wakes him up fast?" asked Grace.
"Sure does.....He sleeps with his dog."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:59 AM

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor
and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said,
"Well, I guess we won't have a service today."
The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up
at feeding time, I feed it."
So the pastor preached his entire sermon to the lone farmer.
He preached passionately and LONG. When he was finished
the farmer said, "Yes, Preacher, I would feed one cow if he
were the only one to show up - but I wouldn't dump the entire
load of hay on 'em!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:59 AM

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend,
"I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation,
and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 03:59 AM

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical
Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the
bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic
to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

Jul 27, 2001, 04:00 AM

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third
little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their
orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
approached the table and asked if the piggies would like
any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only
ordered water"?
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go ' Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!' "

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 27, 2001, 11:56 PM

SIGNS YOU'VE BOUGHT A BAD CAR

~ Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

~ The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

~ The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

~ The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."

~ The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

~ Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.

~ The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."

~ You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coal.

~ You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

~ When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 28, 2001, 08:54 AM

I really do believe that country/western songwriters just
LOVE play on words!! Here are some actual song titles.......

When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)

You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

Ever Since I Said "I Do," There's a Lot of Things You Don't

Timber, I'm Falling in Love

The Pint of No Return

You're Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without

This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck

Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side

How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That's 32?

If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 28, 2001, 09:09 AM

A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration
of a police car with lights flashing, reads, "If you drink and
drive, we'll provide the chasers."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 28, 2001, 09:10 AM

bearkat77

Jul 28, 2001, 09:56 PM

Children's Books You'll Never See

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Pop! Goes the Hamster . . . and Other Great Microwave Games"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"

"How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

MaccaGirl

Jul 29, 2001, 12:48 AM

On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

------------------
It Takes one to know one ~Linda McCartney
~"She's a baby in the morning time when the sleep is in her eyes."
Venus and Mars are alright tonight!!!

MaccaGirl

Jul 29, 2001, 12:49 AM

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)

------------------
It Takes one to know one ~Linda McCartney
~"She's a baby in the morning time when the sleep is in her eyes."
Venus and Mars are alright tonight!!!

MaccaGirl

Jul 29, 2001, 12:50 AM

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?)

------------------
It Takes one to know one ~Linda McCartney
~"She's a baby in the morning time when the sleep is in her eyes."
Venus and Mars are alright tonight!!!

MaccaGirl

Jul 29, 2001, 12:51 AM

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

------------------
It Takes one to know one ~Linda McCartney
~"She's a baby in the morning time when the sleep is in her eyes."
Venus and Mars are alright tonight!!!

MaccaGirl

Jul 29, 2001, 12:53 AM

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)

------------------
It Takes one to know one ~Linda McCartney
~"She's a baby in the morning time when the sleep is in her eyes."
Venus and Mars are alright tonight!!!

bearkat77

Jul 29, 2001, 11:45 AM

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

bearkat77

Jul 30, 2001, 09:24 PM

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET

Okay, so a guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "If I show you something really amazing will you give me a free beer?" The bartender says, "Sure." So the guy pulls out out a hamster and the hamster breaks out into a song and starts dancing. The bartender says, "Hey that's really amazing," and gives the guy a free beer. So the guy says again, "You wanna see something even more amazing?" And once again the bartender says, "Sure." The guy pulls out a tiny piano, he also pulls out the hamster and a frog too.

This time, and the frog begins to sing and the hamster plays the blues, after they're done the bartender says "That IS amazing." And the guy says "Yeah I know,.." A man in a suit, sitting in the corner was watching the whole time and says, "That frog's amazing, I'll buy him off you for a hundred bucks."

The guy says "Sure," and sells the frog. The bartender is aghast and says to the guy,"Why'd you do that? You could have made a fortune off that frog!" The guy says "Can you keep a secret? The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:14 AM

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in
Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old
nephew went with him when he returned to the
airport. After verifying his seat number with the
counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his
relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an
additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?," his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes
had parents."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:15 AM

A child was in his backyard practicing baseball.
He said as he began, 'I'm going to be the greatest
baseball player ever!' Then he threw the ball up
and made a huge swing and missed.

He then picked up the ball again, said, 'I'm going
to be the greatest baseball player ever,' threw the
ball up, took a great big swing, and missed again!

He picked the ball up a third time, yet again said,
'I'm going to be the greatest baseball player ever,'
threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing
yet, and missed the ball again.

Just then, the boy's mother called him in for
dinner. As he was walking into the house he
said to himself, 'Wow, I knew I was going to be
the greatest baseball player ever, but I never
knew I was such a d*** good pitcher!'

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:16 AM

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson
mustered the troops.

"People," he said, "I've just been informed that
we're going to be having a fire sale."

"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell
insurance."

"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather
coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead64 On July 31, 2001 10:17 AM]

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:18 AM

Q: What's the difference between your boss
and the subway?
A: Sometimes you miss the subway.

Q: What's the difference between your boss
and time?
A: You can kill time.

Q: Why won't the postman go to your boss's
house?
A: Because his dog's mean, too.

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito
and your boss?
A: One is a relentless, pain-inflicting bloodsucker.
The other is just an insect.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:19 AM

A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a
patient throws up

A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name
badge you can't read it.
An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for
liability reasons.

A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.

A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run
to codes.

A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are
a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know
they are a nurse.

A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand,
paper scraps, napkins, etc.

A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient
a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart the patient is
disoriented and restrain them.

A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any
distance.

A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and
breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them
unless the patient is symptomatic.

A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a
bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a
bath.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:20 AM

A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames
everything on the nurse.

A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping
they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt
anybody.

A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the
family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family.

A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be
delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be
delivered at all.

A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an
incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.

A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before
answering the phone.

A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are
interesting.
An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are
crazy.

A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and
some "cough syrup" in their bag.

A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:23 AM

"What kind of job do you do? "a lady passenger
asked the man traveling in her compartment.

"I'm a Naval Surgeon," he replied.

"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors
specialize these days!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:24 AM

Bambi, a young blonde sidled up to a guest at
the party. She had heard him addressed as
doctor and now she said diffidently, "Doctor,
may I ask a question?"

"Certainly," he said.

"Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny
pain right here under the heart..."

The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said,
"I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I'm a
doctor of philosophy."

"Oh," said the blonde, "I'm sorry!" She turned
away, but then overcome with curiosity, she
turned back. "Just one more question, doctor.
Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:25 AM

Children, get your parents to explain these...

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes
you have flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women,
it's a bad thing.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead64 On July 31, 2001 10:26 AM]

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:29 AM

"More License Plates"

WUF WUF - On a Brown Rover

KSNKUZNS - My first cousin and I married a few
years ago. We live in the South. (no smart remarks
here) so our license plate reads KSNKUZNS.

4CEFU - Force F*** you. I saw it on a car parked
in my development once.

2QT4U - 2 Cute for you

TUSKY - To ski

TIHZ O - Another one that works in the rear view
mirror. This guy fooled the Ontario authorities.

4MYEGO on a Porsche.

BSSCLRNT - On a professional bass clarinetist' car.

BANDLADY - On a high school band teacher's car.

ORFFAN - On a car of music educator, who teaches
using methods developed by Carl Orff.

SEWBIZ - the name of my parents' sewing machine
dealership, and they had it on their plates at one time.

IDUNTOLU - Seen on a school principal's car. He was
in charge of discipline.

GGR OOM on a Horse Grooming Company car.

PN DCTR on acupuncturist's car.

6UL DV8 - Sexual Deviate (This one almost got through.)

JUNK - on a 1993 GMC (jimmy). It belongs to me.
I'm a recycler of junk metals in Maryland.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:30 AM

"More License Plates"
Cont'd

MNOPAZ - on a car that was filled with ladies who all
appeared to be in their 50s.

PBFT - Silverfoot. PB is the chemical symbol for lead

SXIZFN - Self-explanatory

ML8ML8 - I'm late, I'm late {for a very important date},
On a white Volkswagen Rabbit.

N24PLAY - Seen on the street in Wichita

FR8TRAIN - Freight Train - The nickname of a
railroad enthusiast in North Carolina

PONU2 - P*** on you, too. No explanation necessary.
(I'm surprised this one got past the censors at the DMV.)

PUR XTC - pure ecstasy, on a Porsche (what else?)

HANGMHI - hang him high, Plate are on a local Superior
Court judge's Jaguar. This judge is known for being
very no-nonsense.

NOT OJS - on a white Ford Bronco, seen in Virginia.

IBCNU - a large white Elderado. It was clean and
fancy. Was driven by a HUGE black man with leather,
gold chains, in Baltimore, Md.

38DD - Years ago, I delivered pizzas regularly in a
certain apartment complex, where there was a red
sports car always parked with this tag. I'd always
assumed the owner was a stripper. (It pays to
advertise!)

E-I-E-I-O - An old farmer in Monmouth County, whose
name is really McDonald.

BOXDOC - A local gynecologist in New Jersey.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:32 AM

"Things You Would Never Know Without Movies"
Part I

Large, loft apartments in New York City are
plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are
unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry
about which wire to cut. You will always choose
the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered
in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will
wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have
dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything
in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but
slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a
world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs,
hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually
gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs
prefer to kill their enemies using complex
machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses,
lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of
which will give their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:33 AM

"Things You Would Never Know Without Movies"
Part II

During all crime investigations, it is necessary
to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach
up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist
of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
French bread and one bunch of carrots with
leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone
in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off,
even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However
if you are overweight, your mascara will run and
your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for
you in there, and you can travel to any other part
of the building without difficulty.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead64 On July 31, 2001 10:34 AM]

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:35 AM

"You Know It's Time To Diet When...."

You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus,
and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you
peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on
other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides
of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel
in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You need an appointment to attend an 'open
house'.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:36 AM

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to
wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then
I heard the voice on the public address system saying,
"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight
570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over
to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address
voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding
from Gate 35.

So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned
to the original gate. Just as we were settling down,
the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for
participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:37 AM

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:38 AM

"You Know It's Hot Outside When..."
Cont'd

** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat
at air-conditioned restaurants

** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets
to fan themselves

** you need a spatula to remove your clothing

** when the beer gut and the butt crack don't keep
you from wearing shorts

** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead
of leather

** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!

** lawyers kill themselves because they know it's
cooler in Hell

** the black flies are dropping faster than yours is

** you are sitting inside reading these jokes

** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:39 AM

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into
her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When
inquired as to what she was doing, she said she
was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM "thingy."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:40 AM

Jill, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda
machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button.
You don't have much of a future, either. People
are going to be punching you all your life. Then
you are going to be replaced by a much better
looking button."

I foolishly asked what she was doing. Jill pointed
to the notice on the front of the machine, which
said, "Depress button for ice."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:41 AM

"Words You Won't Find In the Dictionary...
But Should"

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a
mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 am
in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

4) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

5) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are
good for you.

6) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:43 AM

"Words You Won't Find In the Dictionary...
But Should" Cont'd

7) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where
you feel you've been abducted and experimented
upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

8) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when
its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering
(v.), which has made a meal of many species.

9) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where
art companies dwell without funding.

10) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

11) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.

12) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move
relatives who come to visit.

13) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into
your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:44 AM

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over
at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's
waiting room.

A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy.
"Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head, "Noooo....Do-it-yourself,"
she explained, "with concrete blocks."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:45 AM

Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual
checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything
unusual he should know about.

That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc
that he found it real strange how his suit must've
shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit
when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there.
You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single
pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of
Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt
asked.

"Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that
stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down
into your drawers."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:48 AM

A little old man was escorted into the witness
box. After being sworn in, the lawyer asked
him to explain what happened.

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading
up to the incident, he finally got around to the
meat of the case, saying " ... and then she hit
me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any
serious injury?" said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was
the leaf from the center of our dining room table!"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:49 AM

"Project Managers"

If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager

If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough m. f. project manager
(eats glass, live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you.
-dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can!
-messianic project manager

Get away, I'll kill us all!
-suicidal project manager

If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
-thoughtful but ineffective project manager

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead64 On July 31, 2001 10:50 AM]

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:51 AM

"Project Managers"
Cont'd

If I kill you I'll get in your way.
-project manager who has trouble dealing with
the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
-project manager from New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way,
so no one will get killed.
-project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who
cares?
-weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, you'll get your way.
-pragmatic project manager

Kill me, it's the only way.
-every project manager to date.

If we get in each others' way, who will get killed?
- An utterly confused manager

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:53 AM

"Female Keywords And Their Meanings"
Part I

"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any
argument that we feel we are right about but need
to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how
woman looks. This will cause you to have one of
those arguments.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent
to the five minutes that your football game is going
to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even
trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should
be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to
describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn
you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes"
and end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare.
One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up"
or "do what you want because I don't care." You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you
in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

:::...... This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud
Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you over "Nothing."

...::... Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually
understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move
or breathe and she will stay content.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:55 AM

"Female Keywords And Their Meanings"
Part II

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that."... Or, "Oh, I talked to him
about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh"
before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done
tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect
her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to
a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.
Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised
eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable
that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous
statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's
Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you retributions for what ever it is that
you have done.

"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and
used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead."
At some point in the near future when she has plotted
and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A
woman is giving you the chance to come up with
whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever
it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell
the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay."

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just
say you're welcome.

"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks."
A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really
ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

I hope this clears up most misunderstandings...

You wanna know why I really fell in love with http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif? Cause he had already memorized this dictionary!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:56 AM

The mother of a problem child was advised by a
psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried
about your son. I am going to give you a prescription
for some tranquillizers that I want you to start
taking regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have
the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders
for me."

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

"Who cares?" she replied.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:57 AM

First there was Psychotherapy,

Then there was PsychoPharmacology

Now there is ATTITUDE SURGERY!

If you have tried the traditional mental health
route...and are still having attitude problems....
consider having an OPTORECTOMY procedure.

The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord
that connects your rectum to your eyes and,
hopefully, alleviates your poopy outlook on life.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 10:59 AM

A man is in court for murder and the judge says,
"You are charged with beating your wife to death
with a hammer."

Then a voice at the back of the court yells, "You
b*st*rd!"

The judge glares and then continues, "You are
also charged with beating your mother-in-law
to death with a hammer."

Again the voice at the back of the court shouts,
"You b*st*rd!"

The judge angrily addresses the voice and says,
"Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts
from you or I shall charge you with contempt. What
is the problem anyway?"

The man at the back of the court who's been
shouting calls out, "Fifteen years I lived next door
to that b*st*rd and, every time I asked to borrow
a hammer, he said he didn't have one! ..."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 11:00 AM

After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile
bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours
of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver
its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury
foreman and asks,

"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff
to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and
deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers
the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the
foreman and instructs the foreman,

"Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four
counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy
at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each
other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,

"So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly
with a bewildered look on his face and then turns
to his defense attorney and says,

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have
to return the money?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 11:01 AM

"Of Teenagers And Cats"
Part I

For all of you with teenagers or who have
had teenagers, you may want to know why
they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads
when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not
enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely
adequate to compensate for the privilege of
waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the
house with an adult human being, and it can
be safely said that no teenager in his or her
right mind wants to be seen in public with
his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno,
neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack
a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 11:03 AM

"Of Teenagers And Cats"
Part II

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-
room sofa for hours on end without moving,
barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on
as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the
same manner, communicating that ultimate
human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and
utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve
anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside
sometimes have been known to return in
the middle of the night to deposit a dead
animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are
not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best
sources of advice are not other parents, but
veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a
guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And
remember, above all else, put out the food
and do not make any sudden moves in their
direction. When they make up their minds,
they will finally come to you for some affection
and comfort, and it will be a triumphant
moment for all concerned.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 11:23 AM

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in
hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A
dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another
patron, who had been watching intently from the
next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the
toothpick.

"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily
skewered the olive.

"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him
so tired out, he couldn't get away."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)

SleepyHead64

Jul 31, 2001, 11:25 AM

The other day I was preparing another one of
my gourmet meals.

I asked my wife to go over to the local market
and buy some organic vegetables for the evening
meal.

She came back rather upset.

I asked her what happened and she replied,
"That produce guy is a real jerk. He must think
I'm blonde or something!"

"But you are blonde," I reminded her.

"Not that way. He thought I was stupid or something.
I went and looked around for your organic vegetables
and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the
organic vegetables were.

He didn't seem to understand so I said, 'These
vegetables are for my husband. Have they been
sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'

The produce guy looked at me and said,
'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep1.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to Ringo Starr (http://bearkatrs.50megs.com)