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**DONOTDELETE**
May 16, 2001, 10:47 PM
Hey, does anyone read Dave Barry??

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**DONOTDELETE**
May 16, 2001, 10:52 PM
Anyway, um, if you haven't read Dave, you NEED to! He writes for the Miami Herald and he's seriously the funniest man on earth. Here's one of his articles titled GARBAGE SCAN:

Monday morning. Bad traffic. Let's just turn on the radio here, see if we can get some good tunes, crank it up. Maybe they'll play some early Stones. Yeah. Maybe they...
-POWER ON-
"...just reached the end of 14 classic hits in a row, and we'll be right back after we..."
-SCAN-
"...send Bill Doberman to Congress. Because Bill Doberman agrees with us. Bill Doberman. It's a name we can trust. Bill Doberman. It's a name we can remember. Let's write it down. Bill..."
-SCAN-
"...just heard 19 uninterrupted classic hits, and now for this..."
-SCAN-
"...terrible traffic backup caused by the..."
-SCAN-
"...EVIL that cometh down and DWELLETH amongst them, and it DID CAUSETH their eyeballs to ooze a new substance, and it WAS a greenish color, but they DID not fear, for they kneweth that the..."
-SCAN-
"...followingisbasedonan800yearleaseanddoesnotinclu de- taxtagsinsuranceoranactualcar- wegetyourhouseandyourchildrenandyourkidneys..."
-SCAN-
"NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! BUD LOOTER CHEVROLET OPEL ISUZU FORD RENAULT JEEP CHRYSLER TOYOTA STUDEBAKER TUCKER HONDA WANTS TO GIVE YOU, FOR NO GOOD REASON..."
-SCAN-
"...Bill Doberman. He'll work for you. He'll FIGHT for you. If people are rude to you, Bill Doberman will KILL them. Bill Doberman..."
-SCAN-
"...enjoyed those 54 classic hits in a row, and now let's pause while..."
-SCAN-
"...insects DID swarm upon them and DID eateth their children, but they WERE NOT afraid, for they trustedeth in the..."
-SCAN-
"...listening audience. Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Go ahead."
"Steve?"
"This is Steve. Go ahead."
"Am I on?"
"Yes. Go ahead."
"Is this Steve?"
-SCAN-
"This is Bill Doberman, and I say convicted rapists have NO BUSINESS serving on the Supreme Court. That's why, as your congressman, I'll make sure that..."
-SCAN-
"...a large quantity of nuclear waste has been spilled on the interstate, and police are trying to..."
-SCAN-
"...GIVE YOU SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS IN TRADE FOR ANYTHING!!! IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE A CAR!!! BRING US A ROAD KILL!!! WE DON'T CARE!!! BRING US A CANTALOUPE-SIZED GOB OF EAR WAX!!! BRING US..."
-SCAN-
"...huge creatures that WERE like winged snakes EXCEPT they had great big suckers, which DID cometh and pulleth their limbs FROM their sockets liketh this, 'Pop,' but they WERE not afraid, nay they WERE joyous, for they had..."
-SCAN-
"...just heard 317 uninterrupted classic hits, and now..."
-SCAN-
"Bill Doberman will shrink your swollen membranes. Bill Doberman has..."
-SCAN-
"...glowing bodies strewn all over the road, and motorists are going to need..."
-SCAN-
"...FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! WE'LL JUST GIVE IT TO YOU!!! FOR NO REASON!!! WE HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER!!! LATE AT NIGHT, SOMETIMES WE SEE THESE GIANT GRUBS WITH FACES LIKE KITTY CARLISLE, AND WE HEAR THESE VOICES SAYING..."
-SCAN-
"Steve?"
"Yes."
"Steve?"
"Yes."
"Steve?"
-SCAN-
"Yes, and their eyeballs DID explode like party favors, but they WERE NOT sorrowful, for they kneweth..."
-SCAN-
"Bill Doberman. Him good. Him heap strong. Him your father. Him..."
-SCAN-
"...finished playing 3,814 consecutive classic hits with no commercial interruptions dating back to 1978, and now..."
-SCAN-
"...the radiation cloud is spreading rapidly, and we have unconfirmed reports that..."
-SCAN-
"...liquefied brain parts did dribbleth OUT from their nostrils, but they WERE not alarmed, for they were..."
-SCAN-
"...getting sleepy. Very sleepy. When you hear the words 'Bill Doberman,' you will..."
-POWER OFF-
Ok, nevermind. I'll just drive. Listen to people honk. Maybe hum a little bit. Maybe even, if nobody's looking, do a little singing.
(quietly)
'I can't get nooooooo
Sa-tis-FAC-shun....'



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SleepyHead
May 17, 2001, 12:12 AM
I love Dave Barry, but with my hours, it is almost impossible to get to a newspaper stand in time to actually get today's paper! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/frown.gif

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Rellevart
May 17, 2001, 05:08 AM
OMG, I LOVE Dave Barry!!!!! Somebody recently asked me what my dream job would be and I responded "I want to BE Dave Barry!" I've met him a couple of times when he was in Chicago for book signings and he's almost as funny in person as he is in writing! One of my friends won a DB write-alike contest the last time he was in town! Have you read the Bad Songs book? That had me rolling for hours!!

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Hey, don't you know that I'm....always going back in time....

**DONOTDELETE**
May 17, 2001, 02:08 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Tahoma, Arial, Sans-Serif">Quote:</font><HR>Originally Posted By Rellevart:
OMG, I LOVE Dave Barry!!!!! Somebody recently asked me what my dream job would be and I responded "I want to BE Dave Barry!" I've met him a couple of times when he was in Chicago for book signings and he's almost as funny in person as he is in writing! One of my friends won a DB write-alike contest the last time he was in town! Have you read the Bad Songs book? That had me rolling for hours!!
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


OMG, Rellevart! You MET him??? I want to know what he was like! What'd he say?? Was he nice?? Was he sarcastic?? YES I've read the Bad Songs Book! I laughed through the whole thing! I wanna be him, too!

Ok, so I sound like a stalker. But I LOVE him!


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Rellevart
May 17, 2001, 02:18 PM
He was really funny when doing his talk at the bookstore - slightly sarcastic, but more funny in a warm way than a biting way, if you know what I mean.

As far as meeting him, I was in line to get my book signed...you had to buy the book there to be able to get it autographed, so I bit the bullet and shelled out the big bucks. When I got to the front of the line, we shook hands and I said "You should feel priveledged! I NEVER buy hardbacks!" We engaged in a bit of silly small talk while he signed my book. What did he write? "To Suz (that's me!), with extreme thanks for actually buying the HARDCOVER VERSION! Love, Dave Barry" http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/smile.gif

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Hey, don't you know that I'm....always going back in time....

May 17, 2001, 04:58 PM
Dave who? http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/thinker.gif