A Few Clean Laughs :) [Archive] - BeatleLinks Fab Forum

SleepyHead

May 11, 2001, 01:38 AM

Murphy's Laws for Parents

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses-- will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. By definition
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.[/list]

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SleepyHead

May 11, 2001, 01:46 PM

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic. To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies. I instructed them all to let me
know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE
OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED,
BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."

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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 11, 2001, 01:47 PM

One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and
her parents were sitting on the couch
chatting. Krystal asked, " Daddy, you're
the boss of the house, right?"

Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the
boss of the house."

But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when
she added, "Cause Mommy put you in
charge, Daddy?"

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

darkhorse

May 11, 2001, 02:54 PM

Oh that made me remember a joke. It's better in Spanish, but I think I can translate it. (And it's also a revenge from us the sons http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/devil1.gif )

There was another kid, talking to his mum:
-Mum, is it a stork the one who delivers the babies?
-Yes, sweetie, it is.
-Mum, is it Santa Claus the one who gives the Christmas presents?
-Yes, sweetie, he is.
-Mum, is it God the one that provides each day's food?
-Yes, sweetie, he is.
-Then what do you want my daddy for? http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

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"I'm a dark horse
Running on a dark race course"

[This message has been edited by darkhorse (edited May 11, 2001 at 02:56 PM).]

May 11, 2001, 09:24 PM

What my mother taught me...

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that comes out of the carpet".

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "IF you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week".

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why".

My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure that you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident".

My mother taught me IRONY: "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about".

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner".

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!".

My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone".

My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado went through your room".

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it".

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father".

My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in the world that don't have wonderful parents like you".

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bearkat77

May 11, 2001, 11:57 PM

"What All Those Acronyms Really Mean"

ISDN = It Still Does Nothing

APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM = I Blame Microsoft

DEC = Do Expect Cuts

CA = Constant Acquisitions

CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.

SCSI = System Can't See It

DOS = Defunct Operating System

BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

WWW = World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

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HeyBeatle

May 12, 2001, 12:00 AM

That's cute, and oh so very true, atleast my mum would say so.

------------------
" Are you a mod or a rocker?"
" No I'm a mocker."

" Go to the window... Go to the window."

"Oh won't you please, please help me!"-Fred

"I'm not dead yet."

SleepyHead

May 12, 2001, 02:33 AM

A personal favourite of mine http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/smile.gif

On New Year's Eve, Judy stood up at the local
pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every
husband to be standing next to the one person
who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The
bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

bearkat77

May 12, 2001, 04:38 PM

Top 45 Oxymorons:

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

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bearkat77

May 12, 2001, 04:39 PM

Oh, and here's one more for good measure:

Internet Security http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

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HeyBeatle

May 12, 2001, 06:34 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by SleepyHead:
One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and
her parents were sitting on the couch
chatting. Krystal asked, " Daddy, you're
the boss of the house, right?"

Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the
boss of the house."

But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when
she added, "Cause Mommy put you in
charge, Daddy?"

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

LOL that is hilarious!

------------------
" Are you a mod or a rocker?"
" No I'm a mocker."

" Go to the window... Go to the window."

"Oh won't you please, please help me!"-Fred

"I'm not dead yet."

Harbidge

May 13, 2001, 12:30 AM

you missed one out Nowhereman...

My mother taught me THE SIMPLE RULES WHEN LOOKING FOR SOMETHING : It's always inthe last place you look.

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Containing EVERY clue ever found about this conspiracy, Paul is Dead - The Conclusive Evidence (http://www.paulisdead.net) will change your mind about this bizarre coverup.

SleepyHead

May 13, 2001, 03:36 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by bearkat77:
Oh, and here's one more for good measure:

Internet Security http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

or computer anonymity...

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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

May 13, 2001, 06:12 AM

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

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bearkat77

May 13, 2001, 11:36 AM

Things To Ponder On by George Carlin:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
3. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
4. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
5. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
6. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
7. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?8. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
9. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
10. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice?"
12. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
13. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
17. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
18. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

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darkhorse

May 13, 2001, 01:21 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by bearkat77:
2. If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
5. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
6. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif I have always wanted to know those answers... http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

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"I'm a dark horse
Running on a dark race course"

SleepyHead

May 13, 2001, 02:48 PM

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

------------------
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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 13, 2001, 02:49 PM

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago."

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 13, 2001, 02:49 PM

A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say
your prayers at night?"

A little boy answered: "My MUMMY says my prayers."

"I see," said the teacher, "and what does your Mummy SAY?"

Replied the little boy: "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 13, 2001, 02:50 PM

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Mommy, why are some of
your hairs white?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl was silent for a while, and then said, "Poor Grandma. You
must have been a very, very bad girl."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 13, 2001, 02:50 PM

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the
genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job
that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 13, 2001, 02:51 PM

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as
a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of
marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking
visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride
arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the
recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 13, 2001, 02:55 PM

Mother said...<UL TYPE=SQUARE>PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you--quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you--don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"[/list]

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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

[This message has been edited by SleepyHead (edited May 13, 2001 at 02:56 PM).]

bearkat77

May 13, 2001, 09:24 PM

Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the world wide web.

Beware of...

The AL GORE Virus....
Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting.

The CLINTON Virus....
Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) Virus...
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY Virus...
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN Virus....
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The MIKE TYSON Virus....
Quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY Virus....
Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb.

The JACK KEVORKIAN Virus...
Deletes all old files.

The ELLEN DEGENERES Virus...
Disks can no longer be inserted.

The PROZAC Virus...
Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus...
Only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus...
Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The LORENA BOBBITT Virus...
Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

May 14, 2001, 01:02 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by bearkat77:
16. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

What I'd like to know is why it's called a "blackbox" when it's actually orange. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

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bearkat77

May 14, 2001, 10:26 PM

Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
4. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
5. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
6. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
7. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
8. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
9. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
10. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
11. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
13. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
14. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
15. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
16. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
17. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
18. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
19. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
20. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
21. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
22. Steals Clock, Faces Time
23. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
24. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
25. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
26. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
27. Headless Body Found In Topless Bar
28. March Planned For Next August
29. Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
30. Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

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bearkat77

May 14, 2001, 10:27 PM

Actual Double Post Time http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/angry3.gif

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[This message has been edited by bearkat77 (edited May 14, 2001 at 10:28 PM).]

SleepyHead

May 15, 2001, 02:28 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by bearkat77:
Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>D'ya think?!?
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Mebbe a tad drastic
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>
3. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... and legs, and body, and...
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>
4. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/afraid4.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>
5. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Did the dog need help?
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>
6. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wonder why he just didn't use the 3 iron???
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>8. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Nooo, really??!??
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>
9. Miners Refuse to Work After Death<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Tough bosses, 'eh?
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>
10. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Might save the taxpayers some cash... <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>11. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wal-Mart really needs to hire some more checkers... <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
13. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
14. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Surely, that's a given...
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>17. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Shouldn't be serving beans'n'franks in small enclosed places... <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>
18. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
25. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Surely, M&M's are more plentiful, though...
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>21. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>There are cheaper ways to get rabies, if you really want 'em...
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>24. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Always knew there was something wrong with teachers...
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>
26. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/thinker.gif
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>29. Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Well, now there's a novel idea!

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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

[This message has been edited by SleepyHead (edited May 15, 2001 at 02:30 AM).]

SleepyHead

May 15, 2001, 02:32 AM

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 15, 2001, 02:34 AM

From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to XXX. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of
cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them
fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."

------------------
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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 15, 2001, 02:35 AM

United Airlines FA:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully
aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United
Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very
careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling
luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 15, 2001, 02:37 AM

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day:

During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the
PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

------------------
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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 15, 2001, 02:38 AM

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 15, 2001, 02:44 AM

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave this airplane".
**********
And after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
**********
As the plane landed as was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa big fella, WHOA."
**********
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."
**********
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
**********
Once on a Southwest flight the pilot announced: "We've reached our cruising altitude now and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto pilot also, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
**********
"As you exit the plane please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
**********
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
**********
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
**********
Heard on a Southwest flight just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and announced: "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
**********
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix the Flight Attendant came on with: "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
**********
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
**********
After a particularly hard landing, a flight attendant announced: "Now that the captain has finished carving his initials into the runway, we will taxi to the gate. Please remain seated with your seat belt fastened..."
**********

------------------
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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

[This message has been edited by SleepyHead (edited May 15, 2001 at 02:48 AM).]

SleepyHead

May 17, 2001, 12:15 AM

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
sticker that says, "How's my driving call 1-800-***-****."

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.[/list]

Been one of those kind of days...

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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

bearkat77

May 17, 2001, 11:06 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

As dreaded as it is, every mother goes through it sooner or later.
Not the proverbial cutting of the umbilical chord.
Not the marriage of the first born, not that of the baby.

But...Menopause.
How do you know if you are experiencing menopause?...Easy

1. Hot Flashes: You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Night Sweats: The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.
3. Mood Swings: Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
4. Memory Loss: You write post-it notes with your kid's names on them.
5. Irritability: Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home," and your reply is, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie freaking Nelson."
6. Sleeplessness: The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
7. Fatigue: You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
8. Mild Incontinence: You change your underwear after every sneeze.
9. Sudden Weight Gain: You need the 'Jaws Of Life' to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
10. Female Hormone Deficiency: You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania".
11. Hormone Therapy: You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

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SleepyHead

May 18, 2001, 01:20 AM

Mother Knows Best

A woman answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. John Michael has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how he is.

Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that he was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry him.

You were perfectly right.

You want to speak with him? All right."

She looks up from the telephone and calls to her husband in the next room:

"John Michael, your mother wants to talk to you!"

------------------
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Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

May 18, 2001, 01:54 AM

For those living in Hicksville, feel free to replace "husband" with "brother". http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

mindgames

May 18, 2001, 06:22 PM

I'm sure you're not refering to anyplace in the South, now are you? If you are, I'll just get my pointy white hat and my chainsaw and come see you. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/chainsaw.gif

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

------------------
This week, the Beatles greatest hits album, "1", is at number thirty-eight on the USA album charts

May 18, 2001, 09:56 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By mindgames:
I'll just get my pointy white hat and my chainsaw and come see you. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/chainsaw.gif

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Two points are better than one. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/devil2.gif

bearkat77

May 18, 2001, 10:05 PM

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

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bearkat77

May 18, 2001, 10:07 PM

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training
supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you
were," gasped the woman, "I figured I'd better run, too!"

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bearkat77

May 18, 2001, 10:07 PM

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/scream2.gif Help! I'm being attacked by the double posts tonight! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/afraid4.gif

------------------
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[This Message Has Been Edited By bearkat77 On May 18, 2001 10:09 PM]

May 18, 2001, 10:56 PM

Don't you just hate that. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/angry1.gif

May 18, 2001, 10:56 PM

Don't you just hate that. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/angry1.gif

SleepyHead

May 19, 2001, 01:27 PM

Baby Boomers' Anthem

A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I've got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P is for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what the X--as in X ray--will find
But though the word "terminal' rushes to mind,
I'm proud, as each
Y year - goes by, to reveal
a reservoir of undiminished
Z zeal---
For checking the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

bearkat77

May 19, 2001, 07:05 PM

A man called his law firm and asked the receptionist if he could speak to his lawyer, Mr. Smith.

She replied that she was sorry, but his lawyer was dead.

The next day the man called again wanting to speak with Mr. Smith.

The receptionist again said that she was sorry, but he was dead.

The next day, the man rang again and asked if he could talk to his lawyer Mr. Smith.

The receptionist said that she was sorry but she had already told him a hundred times that he was dead.

The man replied, "I know that, I just like hearing it!" http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

------------------
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May 20, 2001, 12:25 AM

To continue the 'jokes on lawyers' trend...

A big city lawyer, from Washington, DC, went duck hunting in the South Carolina low country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small arguments like this with a Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted a toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

bearkat77

May 20, 2001, 06:27 PM

HOW TO LIE TO THE BATHROOM SCALE
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off ... to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

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bearkat77

May 20, 2001, 06:29 PM

HOW TO BUILD A WEB PAGE IN 25 EASY (?) STEPS

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page ~ 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it ~ 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ~ 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ~ 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ~ 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ~ 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~ 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10" ~ 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ~ 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server ~ 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server ~ 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

May 20, 2001, 08:18 PM

So that's how Jerry did it. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/eyebrows.gif

Tim

May 20, 2001, 08:23 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
A man called his law firm and asked the receptionist if he could speak to his lawyer, Mr. Smith.

She replied that she was sorry, but his lawyer was dead.

The next day the man called again wanting to speak with Mr. Smith.

The receptionist again said that she was sorry, but he was dead.

The next day, the man rang again and asked if he could talk to his lawyer Mr. Smith.

The receptionist said that she was sorry but she had already told him a hundred times that he was dead.

The man replied, "I know that, I just like hearing it!" http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I heard that joke,only it was a guitarist calling Buddy Rich's wife...

------------------
Tim
------------
Duchy Of Grand Fenwick

bearkat77

May 21, 2001, 11:18 PM

"25 Signs That You Have Lived in New York for Too Long"

1. You get very annoyed with out-of-towners who think the subway is unsafe.

2. You actively avoid bars that people from the outer boroughs frequent.

3. You figure that a date costs at least $200.

4. You have not seen a bank teller in several years, because your idea of going to the bank is using the ATM at your corner deli.

5. You haven't smelled grass clippings in over a year.

6. You haven't "called shotgun" in a long, long time.

7. You think that New Jersey seems really far away.

8. You plot the Barney's Warehouse Sale on your calendar.

9. You have over two month's rent in credit card debt, but you still eat out every night.

10. Your give out your cell phone number to people you meet, because that is the best way to reach you.

11. You have stayed out later than 4 am on a Monday or a Tuesday night.

12. Your passport gets more use than your driver's license.

13. You are ashamed to be assigned a 646 area code.

14. You can't imagine eating dinner before 8 o'clock at night.

15. Not one of your adult friends is married, has a car, owns an apartment, or aspires to any of the above.

16. You think nothing of a man in leather pants.

17. Your childhood bedroom is bigger than your current apartment, but your rent costs more than your parents' mortgage payment.

18. At least one meal each week consists solely of drinks, olives, and nuts.

19. You eat Thai, Vietnamese, Indian and sushi at least once each week.

20. You tell everyone you love NY because of the cultural institutions, but can't remember the last time you set foot in a museum or theater.

21. You spend $10 to see a movie.

22. You take $150 with you every night you go out: $20 for cabs, $20 for cover, $60 for dinner, and $50 for drinks.

23. You have gone out on 3 dates with 3 different people in the same week, but haven't spoken to any of them since.

24. You wear Prada shoes, Gucci sunglasses, a Cartier watch, and cashmere, but claim to be poor.

25. You think the only places you could ever live are New York, Paris, London, San Francisco or on an island in the Caribbean.

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bearkat77

May 21, 2001, 11:23 PM

ACTUAL EXCUSE NOTES RECEIVED BY SCHOOL TEACHERS

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/chainsaw.gif

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/afraid4.gif

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/devious.gif

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/nono.gif

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/crosseyed4.gif

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/dork2.gif

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bearkat77

May 21, 2001, 11:28 PM

MORE EXCUSES:

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/bigeyes2.gif

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/dracula.gif

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/tongue3.gif

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/afraid1.gif

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/barf3.gif

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/girl.gif

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bearkat77

May 21, 2001, 11:33 PM

EXCUSES PART III

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/god.gif

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/dunce.gif

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/skull.gif

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/smoking3.gif

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/eyebrows.gif

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Tim

May 22, 2001, 05:11 AM

A GUIDE TO THE CIVIL SERVICE:
---------------------------------------------3 Articles of Civil Service Faith
==================================
1.It takes longer to do things quickly;
2.It is more expensive to do things cheaply;
3.It is more democratic to do things in secret.

4 Stage Strategy
======================================
1.Say that nothing is going to happen;
2.Say something maybe going to happen, but we should do nothing about it;
3.Say maybe we should do something about it, but there is nothing we can do;
4.Say maybe there was something we could have done, but it is too late now.

4 Word Trick
Civil service trick to lead politicians to the acceptable alternative when they have to chose between policy alternatives. When they want a policy alternative to be accepted it must contain the following 4 words: quick, simple, popular, cheap. When they want an alternative thrown out they put in the following 4 words: complicated, lengthy, expensive, controversial. When they want to make sure an alternative is rejected they say that accepting it would be courageous. Controversial means "you will loose votes", while courageous means "you will loose the election".

5 Standard Excuses in Government
1. There is a perfectly satisfactory explanation for everything but security prevents its disclosure (used in the Anthony Blunt case);
2. It has only gone wrong because of heavy cuts in staff and budget which have stretched supervisory resources beyond the limit (the Comprehensive Schools excuse);
3. It was a worthwhile experiment now abandoned, but not before it provided much valuable data and considerable employment (used for Concorde);
4. It occurred before certain important facts were known and could not happen again (the Munich Agreement excuse with the important fact being that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe);
5. It was an unfortunate lapse by an individual now being dealt with under internal disciplinary procedures (the Charge of the Light Brigade excuse).

6 Usual Options for Protest in Foreign Affairs
============================================
1.Do nothing;
2.Issue a statement deploring the speech;
3.Lodge an official protest;
4.Cut off aid;
5.Break off diplomatic relations;
6.Declare war.

------------------
Tim
------------
Duchy Of Grand Fenwick

Rellevart

May 22, 2001, 06:05 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
"25 Signs That You Have Lived in New York for Too Long"

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
This had me laughing!! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

Many of those work for Chicago too; 1, 2 (replace "outer boroughs" with "suburbs"), 4, 6 (what the heck is "calling shotgun"??), 11, 16, and 18-20! In fact, the only ones that aren't appropriate are the ones dealing with how expensive things are....the cost of living here is MUCH more reasonable!

------------------
Hey, don't you know that I'm....always going back in time....

mindgames

May 22, 2001, 08:58 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
EXCUSES PART III

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/dunce.gif
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Hey, our family did this once.

------------------
This week, the Beatles greatest hits album, "1", is at number twenty-four on the USA album charts. "Wingspan: Hits and History" by Paul McCartney is at number two.

mindgames

May 22, 2001, 09:01 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By Rellevart:
...what the heck is "calling shotgun"??...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/shocked.gif How can you not know what calling shotgun is? It's a hallowed rite of adolescence. Some people never grow out of it. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/teeth1.gif

------------------
This week, the Beatles greatest hits album, "1", is at number twenty-four on the USA album charts. "Wingspan: Hits and History" by Paul McCartney is at number two.

Rellevart

May 22, 2001, 10:51 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By mindgames:
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/shocked.gif How can you not know what calling shotgun is? It's a hallowed rite of adolescence.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I guess I didn't have much of an adolescence then! Are you going to explain it to me or do I have to spend the rest of my life wondering? http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/teeth1.gif

------------------
Hey, don't you know that I'm....always going back in time....

SleepyHead

May 22, 2001, 01:50 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>(what the heck is "calling shotgun"??)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

"Calling shotgun" or "I'm riding shotgun" is what one hollers when s/he is one of 2 or more passengers of a soon-to-be-departing vehicle.

------------------
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Rellevart

May 22, 2001, 02:13 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
"Calling shotgun" or "I'm riding shotgun" is what one hollers when s/he is one of 2 or more passengers of a soon-to-be-departing vehicle.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Thanks, Sleepy! I've heard of "riding shotgun", but wasn't sure that was the same as "calling" it, and I sure have never hollered it! Then again, I always seem to be the driver, so maybe that explains it....
;grin;

------------------
Hey, don't you know that I'm....always going back in time....

mindgames

May 22, 2001, 05:38 PM

Hey, I like that ;grin;.

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

------------------
This week, the Beatles greatest hits album, "1", is at number twenty-four on the USA album charts. "Wingspan: Hits and History" by Paul McCartney is at number two.

jami

May 22, 2001, 06:23 PM

Originally Posted By Harbidge:
Only on South Park.

Heehe! You watch South Park, Harb? I love that show!

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/flower.gif

May 22, 2001, 06:55 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By jami:
Originally Posted By Harbidge:
Only on South Park.

Heehe! You watch South Park, Harb? I love that show!

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Watch it? He's on it. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

bearkat77

May 22, 2001, 10:11 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By Nowhere Man:
Watch it? He's on it. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Harb and Kenny do look a lot alike. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/crosseyed4.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

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[This Message Has Been Edited By bearkat77 On May 22, 2001 10:11 PM]

bearkat77

May 22, 2001, 10:14 PM

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. "And how long has it been since you've played around?" she asks.

The man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

------------------
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May 22, 2001, 11:14 PM

May 22, 2001, 11:16 PM

bearkat77

May 22, 2001, 11:19 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By Nowhere Man:
So you do watch the show. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, I've never watched it. Little kids with foul language are not allowed in my home. The two guys who thought up this show should be drawn and quartered. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/chainsaw.gif

------------------
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May 22, 2001, 11:38 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. "And how long has it been since you've played around?" she asks.

The man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif That reminds me of the following joke...

At sea a ship had an accident and was sinking. The whole crew died when the ship went down, except for one man.

The man held onto a plank and drifted around for several days. Finally he washed ashore onto a deserted island and found food, water and a sheep.

He was quite happy apart from his sexual intentions, because every time he tried to take the sheep from behind it would run off and always be too quick for him to catch.

Then one day, while watching the ocean, he saw another ship which was sinking. This ship was not too far out from shore, so he swam out and the only person he could find partly alive was this really beautiful girl.

So he brought her back to the island and revived her. After a while when she recovered and found out that the man had saved her life, she said, "You saved my life! I will do ANYTHING for you!"

The man, not having much sexual action in a long time thinks about it for a little while and says...

"All right! Can you hold this damn sheep for me?"

bearkat77

May 23, 2001, 12:14 AM

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh3.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/nono.gif

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Harbidge

May 23, 2001, 12:41 AM

I think it's where you call to sit on the front passenger seat, but because I'm English I haven't heard this expression much. Only on South Park.

------------------
Containing EVERY clue ever found about this conspiracy, Paul is Dead - The Conclusive Evidence (http://www.paulisdead.net) will change your mind about this bizarre coverup.

This week, 'Wingspan' is at No. 13 in the UK Album charts.

Harbidge

May 23, 2001, 12:50 AM

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

“DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!”

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

------------------
Containing EVERY clue ever found about this conspiracy, Paul is Dead - The Conclusive Evidence (http://www.paulisdead.net) will change your mind about this bizarre coverup.

This week, 'Wingspan' is at No. 13 in the UK Album charts.

SleepyHead

May 23, 2001, 01:08 AM

THE POTATO PUPPY

My four-year-old son, Shane, had been asking for a puppy for over a month, but his Daddy kept saying, "No dogs! A dog will dig up the garden and chase the ducks and kill our rabbits. No dog, and that's final!"

Each night, Shane prayed for a puppy, and each morning he was disappointed when there was no puppy waiting outside.

I was peeling potatoes for dinner, and he was sitting on the floor at my feet asking for the thousandth time, "Why won't Daddy let me have a puppy?"

"Because they are a lot of trouble. Don't cry. Maybe Daddy will change his mind someday," I encouraged him.

"No, he won't, and I'll never have a puppy in a million years," Shane wailed. I looked into his dirty, tear-streaked face. How could we deny him his one wish?

So I said the words that were first spoken by Eve, "I know a way to make Daddy change his mind." "Really?" Shane wiped away his tears and sniffed. I handed him a potato. "Take this and carry it with you until it turns into a puppy," I whispered. "Never let it out of your sight for one minute. Keep it with you all the time, and on the third day, tie a string around it and drag it around the yard and see what happens!"

Shane grabbed the potato with both hands. "Mama, how do you make a potato into a puppy?" He turned it over and over in his little hands.

"Shh! It's a secret!" I whispered and sent him on his way.

"Lord, you know what a woman must do to keep peace in her home!" I prayed.

Shane faithfully carried his potato around for two days, he slept with it, bathed with it and talked to it.

On the third day, I said to my husband, "We really should get a pet for Shane." "What makes you think he needs a pet?" my husband said, leaning against the doorway.

"Well, he's been carrying a potato around with him for days. He calls it "Wally" and says it is his pet. He sleeps with it on his pillow and right now he has a string tied to it and he's dragging it around the yard," I said.

"A potato?" my husband asked and looked out the window and watched Shane taking his potato for a walk.

"It will break his heart when the potato gets mushy and rots," I said and started getting out food for lunch, "Besides, every time I try to peel potatoes for dinner, Shane cries because he says I'm killing Wally's family."

"A potato?" my husband asked, "My son has a pet potato?"

"Well," I said shrugging, "you said he couldn't have a puppy. He was so disappointed, in his mind, he decided he had to have a pet..."

"That's crazy!" my husband said.

"Maybe you're right, but explain to me why he is dragging that potato around the yard on a string," I said.

My husband watched our son for a few more minutes.

"I'll bring home a puppy tonight, I'll stop by the animal shelter after work. I guess a puppy can't be that much trouble," he sighed, "It's better than a potato."

That night, Shane's Daddy brought home a wiggling puppy and a pregnant white cat that he took pity on while he was at the shelter.

Everyone was happy. My husband thought he'd saved his son from a nervous breakdown. Shane had a puppy, a cat and five kittens and believed his Mother had magic powers that could change a potato into a puppy. And I was happy because I got my potato back and cooked it for dinner.

Everything was perfect, until one evening when I was cooking dinner, Shane tugged on my dress and asked, "Mama, do you think I could have a pony for my birthday?"

~Author Unknown

------------------
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SleepyHead

May 23, 2001, 01:09 AM

THE "CATTY" CORNER.......

Computer dictionary as written by a cat.....

BROWSER: What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange all your books on your desk. Where's a kitty supposed to lay down with all that mess?

WALLPAPER: My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen and bathroom, I use to flex my claws on.

DEFRAG: Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it's just a little maintenance!

HYPERLINK: Fake hot dog filled with my favorite pick me up, cat-nip.

SERVER: My human subject. You can't call them waitress, or waiter, or slave anymore, it's not politically correct.

SHUT DOWN: Nap time - my favorite 16 hours of the day.

LAPTOP: Little ole Me. Certainly cuter, more useful, valuable, and entertaining. And no batteries are required.

DEFAULT: Blame. If something gets broken around the house, don't look at me! It's probably that human I have to share my house with, or the dog's fault!

WINDOW: The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that weird dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars.

HOME PAGE: My papers - newspapers, that is, that I used before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think they were the "Wanted: DOG" ads.

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SleepyHead

May 23, 2001, 01:09 AM

COURTROOM "CUTIES"........

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
~~~~~~~
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
~~~~~~~
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
~~~~~~~
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
~~~~~~~
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

------------------
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SleepyHead

May 23, 2001, 01:10 AM

IT'S ALL IN THE NAME......

After years of heavy scientific research, mankind came up with what all these car names REALLY mean....

AUDI..........All Unsafe Designs Included

BMW..........Brutal Money Waster

BUICK.......Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET......Can Hear Every Valve Rapping On Long Extended Trips (VERY clever!!!)

DODGE......Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

HONDA......Had One, Never Do Again

OLDSMOBILE.....Overly-priced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Leftover Equipment

TOYOTA......Too Often Yankees Overprice This Automobile

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[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On May 23, 2001 01:11 AM]

SleepyHead

May 23, 2001, 01:11 AM

*****
T-SHIRT TICKLERS.......

Real slogans found on T-shirts.....

Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam. (seen on Cape Cod)

My Dog Can Lick Anyone.

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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SleepyHead

May 23, 2001, 01:12 AM

REDNECK REALITY........

You might be a redneck if......

The most common phrase heard in your house is....
"Someone go jiggle the handle!"

You sell the wheels off your house to buy a keg of beer.

Remodeling your bathroom means digging a new hole in the backyard.

Your high school annual is now a mug book for the police department.

You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

You refer to wife and mother-in-law as dual airbags.

You've ever needed to use a weed eater in the house.

You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

You can distinguish between the taste of 'possum and groundhog while blindfolded.

You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.

Your two year old has more teeth than you do.

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Harbidge

May 23, 2001, 03:05 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
Harb and Kenny do look a lot alike. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/crosseyed4.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I think they might be talk about me and Cartman.

RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!!!

------------------
Containing EVERY clue ever found about this conspiracy, Paul is Dead - The Conclusive Evidence (http://www.paulisdead.net) will change your mind about this bizarre coverup.

This week, 'Wingspan' is at No. 13 in the UK Album charts.

May 23, 2001, 04:42 AM

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/barf2.gif

bearkat77

May 23, 2001, 10:45 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
IT'S ALL IN THE NAME......

After years of heavy scientific research, mankind came up with what all these car names REALLY mean....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You forgot one:

FORD: Found On Road Dead or Fix or Repair Daily http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

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bearkat77

May 23, 2001, 10:57 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
REDNECK REALITY........

You might be a redneck if......<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You've ever mowed your lawn and found a car.

Your mother can curse out the police officer for pulling her over and not remove the cigarette from her mouth.

There are more than 10 lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You go to family reunions to meet girls.

Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.

You think the last four words of the National Anthem are, "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down!" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

The dog catcher call for a back-up unit when visiting your house.

You list your parole officer as a reference.

You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.

Your family tree does not fork.

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May 24, 2001, 01:03 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
You forgot one:

FORD: Found On Road Dead or Fix or Repair Daily http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Or... Found On Rubbish Dump. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

SleepyHead

May 24, 2001, 02:40 AM

How about ...

PONTIAC - Poor Ole Nitwit Thinks It's A Cadillac

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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 24, 2001, 02:41 AM

Bird in a kilted cage

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing
guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked "I've always
wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt."

The sentry replied: "There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect
working order."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

May 24, 2001, 05:59 AM

Here are some real examples taken from real essays to make... *drumrrrrrrrrrroll*... The Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay:

<LI>His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

<LI>Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

<LI>He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

<LI>The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

<LI>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

<LI>She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

<LI>Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

<LI>Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:\flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

<LI>Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

<LI>He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

<LI>Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

<LI>Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

<LI>They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

<LI>John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

<LI>The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

<LI>The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Harbidge

May 24, 2001, 06:07 AM

Where'd you get my past exam papers from???

------------------
Containing EVERY clue ever found about this conspiracy, Paul is Dead - The Conclusive Evidence (http://www.paulisdead.net) will change your mind about this bizarre coverup.

This week, 'Wingspan' is at No. 13 in the UK Album charts.

Rellevart

May 24, 2001, 06:18 AM

Hey, I think I dated "Second Tall Man" once! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/smile.gif

[This Message Has Been Edited By Rellevart On May 24, 2001 06:19 AM]

bearkat77

May 24, 2001, 06:51 PM

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.

The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy...I'm Ellen."

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

May 24, 2001, 08:09 PM

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbour.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbour replied. "So does my husband."

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:04 PM

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:

"I think what happened was they invented fire and the wheel on the same day. Then later that night, they burned the wheel."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:05 PM

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:08 PM

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:

"If you ever fall from a tall building, a smart thing to do would be to go really limp. It'll look like a dummy's falling and maybe someone will catch you because hey! Free dummy!"

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:09 PM

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:

"If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:10 PM

Deep Thoughts:

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:11 PM

"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:12 PM

"The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:13 PM

"I'd rather be rich than stupid."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:14 PM

"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:15 PM

"If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:16 PM

"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:17 PM

'He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."'

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:19 PM

"I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:20 PM

"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:21 PM

"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!"

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6 weeks, 1 day...

May 24, 2001, 11:21 PM

Don't tempt me. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/eyebrows.gif

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:22 PM

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:24 PM

"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:25 PM

"I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that."

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6 weeks, 1 day...

bearkat77

May 24, 2001, 11:27 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By 4thGenFan:
But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/eyebrows.gif http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/nono.gif

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

**DONOTDELETE**

May 24, 2001, 11:28 PM

Tehehe!

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6 weeks, 1 day...

May 25, 2001, 12:42 AM

Top tips for Everyday Cheapskates (and idiots)...

<LI>OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

<LI>WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

<LI>FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

<LI>DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

<LI>AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the car until you return.

<LI>SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

<LI>AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

<LI>INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

<LI>TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

<LI>NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

<LI>EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

<LI>AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

<LI>RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

SleepyHead

May 25, 2001, 01:31 AM

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine -- "la maison."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?'" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:<UL TYPE=SQUARE>1). No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2). The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3). Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4). As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.[/list]

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:<UL TYPE=SQUARE>1). In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2). They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3). They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4). As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.[/list]

The women won!

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

May 25, 2001, 06:23 AM

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -

"Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again.

"Jesus is watching you!"

He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot,

"Did you say that?"

The parrot answers, "Yes I did."

So the burglar says "What's your name?"

The parrot replies "Clarence." The burglar says, "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says,

"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'" http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

bearkat77

May 25, 2001, 07:25 PM

CARTOON LAW OF PHYSICS

Cartoon Law I
=============
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

EX: Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II
==============
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

EX: Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
===============
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

EX: Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
==============
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

EX: Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
=============
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

EX: Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
==============
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

EX: This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
===============
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

EX: This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

EX: Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
==============
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
=============
Guns, no matter how powerful, or no matter where aimed, will do nothing more than char flesh, blow away feathers, or rearrange beaks.

Cartoon Law XI
==============
Any given amount of explosives will propel a body miles away, but still in one piece, charred and extremely peeved.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

May 25, 2001, 08:20 PM

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

**DONOTDELETE**

May 25, 2001, 11:28 PM

NWM, I've decided that you double post on purpose. And stop trying to answer every thread in the forum!! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/tongue.gifhttp://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/tongue.gifhttp://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/tongue.gif

------------------
5 weeks exactly!

bearkat77

May 26, 2001, 01:00 AM

Application to Leave AOL

This form must be filled out in triplicate and e-mailed to all the regs not less than thirty days prior to your intended departure date. Applications will be reviewed the second Tuesday of each week from 1:10-1:15 am. If you are approved for departure (which ain't gonna happen so give it up), you will be notified by e-mail on the second Wednesday of next week.

Part A

Question 1: In no less than 5,000 words explain your reason for desiring to be released from AOL.

Question 2: What the hell do you think you are gonna do with all the
spare time you are gonna have?

Question 3: Do you honestly believe your family likes you enough to talk to you?????

Part B
Personal Information
Full Given Name:________________________________
Address______________________________________
_____________________________________________
Daytime phone__________________________________
Work phone____________________________________
Parents phone__________________________________
Neighbors phone________________________________
Strangers phone_________________________________

Age____________ SSN#_____________________
Weight_______________ Height___________________
Bra size___________________ Jock size_____________
Mothers Maiden Name_____________________________
Grandmothers Country of Origin_____________________

List Ten Names, Addresses & Phone Numbers of places that you can be reached in case of a damn "we miss you" emergency:
(please list the above info in alphabetical order...indicating where you are most likely to be at what time of day)

Fill out this form and email to all known regs for review and opinion
---------------------------------------------
This part to be completed by regs, and returned to the silly person requesting to leave us. (make sure you file all the personal info that was given above in case they try to leave us anyway!! HeHeHeHe)

Application Approved: NO_______
Application Denied: YES______

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By bearkat77 On May 26, 2001 01:01 AM]

bearkat77

May 26, 2001, 01:05 AM

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank?

2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:

3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. waterbed? ____

6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____

*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*

8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?

12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________

13. How often do you attend: ____________________________

14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________

15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________

*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.

Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By bearkat77 On May 26, 2001 01:06 AM]

May 26, 2001, 03:28 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:

15. Please fill in the blanks:

When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________

*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

What if you're the shy type who looks down all the time, and the first thing you always notice are her toes?

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/afraid1.gif

May 26, 2001, 03:30 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By 4thGenFan:
NWM, I've decided that you double post on purpose.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I do not double post on purpose.

May 26, 2001, 03:30 AM

SleepyHead

May 26, 2001, 09:10 AM

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 26, 2001, 09:11 AM

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 26, 2001, 09:13 AM

A Wise Waitress...

An old Vermonter stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip. Three pennies.

On his way out the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "Mmmm, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

Curiosity getting the better of him, the gent turns 'round. "Oh, really?" says he. "Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, the first penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man mutters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Intrigued at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 26, 2001, 09:14 AM

"I've finally found a way to get money out of my husband," a woman told her friend with a wink.

"We were arguing last night, and I told him I was going home to Mother. He gave me the fare."

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
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MaccaGirl

May 26, 2001, 06:00 PM

Mindgames that's funny!
I have something to add to this forum even though it's beatle related (can't get too far off the subject now can we?)
"we'll sell less records, less people will go to see the films, we'll write less songs and we'll all die of failure!" ~John lennon

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It Takes one to know one ~Linda McCartney
Listen to her daddy's song, making love is wrong~ Back Seat of My Car
Venus and Mars are alright tonight!!!

Harbidge

May 26, 2001, 06:41 PM

How To Talk To Your Teen About the Beatles

1. If you're with your teen in a mall and hear "Strawberry Fields Forever," avoid flying into a rage. Don't sing along or explain the drug references. Merely whisper "This song changed my life." Pause to let your teen wonder, then add, "Now it's mall music. What say we get some fried dough?"

2. Your teen does not want to know what "I am the Walrus" says when you play the last part backwards. All your teen's favorite groups sound the same played forwards and backwards anyway. If asked about the song, smile and say, "Coo-coo-ka-choo."

3. If your teen won't let you play the Beatles in your own home, try this subtle strategy. Kidnap the little punk's "Green Day" collection, then send a ransom note demanding one hour of "Rubber Soul" or else the CDs go in the toaster oven.

4. Never let your teen mention the Beatles and Elvis in the same breath. Today's troubled youth have a distrubing tendency to do this and must be corrected, even if your risk provoking a sudden "Back Off!"

5. When your teen asks, "Like what's so great about the Beatles, huh?" don't play "A Day in the Life" again. Instead buy the Greatest Hits of 1963. Program your CD player to spew out "Big Girls Don't Cry," "Surf City," and The Singing Nun over and over. When your teen comes crawling for mercy, say, "That was life before the Beatles."

6. "Okay," your teen will say, "but what about bubble gum like "Eight Days a Week." Resist all temptation to drum Ringo's solo from "Rain" on your teen's nose. Instead shout "1965!" and play "Baby's in Black." Then: "1969!" and play all of "Abbey Road." "Soooo," you ask cooly, "think we'll be seeing bigger things out of Hootie and the Blowfish?

7. If your teen challenges you to a Battle of the Bands, playing the Beatles back-to-back with Mariah Carey, get tough. Begin humming "Yellow Submarine" louder and louder until your adolescent breaks down. Then demand a week's "White Album" privileges.

8. If you must show off your Beatle lunchbox or Beatle wig, do so discreetly. Use the lunchbox for a flower pot, the wig as a guinea pig decoy. Today's teens have no hope of understanding yesterdays fads. They each own more stereo equipment than the Beatles used in recording "Sgt. Pepper." What do they know of love?

9. If your teen still doesn't get it, don't despair. Grasp him or her firmly by the shoulders, saying, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." When your teen stops laughing, shrug and say, "Well, anyway it used to be."

------------------
Containing EVERY clue ever found about this conspiracy, Paul is Dead - The Conclusive Evidence (http://www.paulisdead.net) will change your mind about this bizarre coverup.

This week, 'Wingspan' is at No. 13 in the UK Album charts.

bearkat77

May 26, 2001, 08:13 PM

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."

"Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you."

So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver."Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if i'm home." said the brunette.

The taxi drove them and when they finally got out the brunette looked at the blonde and said."See that guy was really stupid."

"No kidding." replies the blonde,"there was a pay phone just around the corner, you could have called instead."

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May 26, 2001, 08:14 PM

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

bearkat77

May 26, 2001, 08:20 PM

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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May 26, 2001, 09:51 PM

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?"

The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."

"What are the three tests?"

"Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do....First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that...it's impossible!

"Well, you asked, and I told you... those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp.

Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

mindgames

May 27, 2001, 12:20 AM

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raising in full KISS makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebadiah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy".
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

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This week, the Beatles greatest hits album, "1", is at number twenty-four on the USA album charts. "Wingspan: Hits and History" by Paul McCartney is at number two.

bearkat77

May 27, 2001, 12:53 AM

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?)

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So, I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

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bearkat77

May 27, 2001, 12:56 AM

IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
To which he replied, "I know, I already got that side."

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SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 02:40 AM

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

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SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 02:43 AM

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.

A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

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SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 02:46 AM

Upon completing Air Force technical school, I had to drive from the Gulf Coast to the Pacific Northwest for my next assignment. A friend suggested I hang my blue dress uniform in the left-rear window to generate good will from the highway patrol.

When I was pulled over by a Wyoming state trooper, I was sure that I was off the hook because he told me that he, too, had been in the Air Force. But he handed me a ticket anyway.

It read: "Right-rear taillight burned out/License plate not properly illuminated" and, in the remarks section, "Lint on sleeve/Name tag uneven/Collar brass tarnished."

He had once been a drill instructor.

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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 02:48 AM

After 30 days of living in a tent during an Air Force training exercise, another officer and I were driving back to our home base, nine hours away. We were in our field uniforms and were dirty, tired, stubble-faced and hungry, so we decided to stop at a fast-food restaurant.

When I reached for my wallet to pay, the cashier assured us that there was no charge for the meal. This generosity toward those in the service of their country brought a lump to my throat. Once seated, we saw the large sign on the wall reading: "Free Meal to Everyone in Costume."

We had forgotten it was October 31.

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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

May 27, 2001, 05:04 AM

Man calls home.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"
He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

May 27, 2001, 05:06 AM

3 nuns were assigned to paint a room in a church. It was a really hot day and the nuns were getting really hot in those black clothes they wear so they took them all off and went on painting naked. Later they heard a knock on the door....

"Who is it?????" they asked.

The man who knocked replied, "I'm the blind man".

So, the nuns decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The nuns let him into the room.... The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "Er... very nice, sisters, now where do you want the blinds??"

May 27, 2001, 05:08 AM

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

bearkat77

May 27, 2001, 08:00 AM

SOME TWISTED SAYINGS

*Dyslexics have more fnu
*Clones are people, two
*Entropy isn't what it used to be
*Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
*Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
*Eschew obfuscation
*186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
*Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
*Anything free is worth what you pay for it
*Atheism is a non-prophet organization
*COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
*Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
*Editing is a rewording activity
*Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
*I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure
*My reality check just bounced
*Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
*What if there were no hypothetical questions?
*Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
*No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway
*Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!
*IRS - Be audit you can be

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bearkat77

May 27, 2001, 08:06 AM

WORST ANALOGUES

Winners of the Washington Post's "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:30 p.m. instead of 7:00.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

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bearkat77

May 27, 2001, 08:10 AM

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK....... BUT CAN'T!

1. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
2. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
3. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
11. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
14. Do I look like a people person?
15. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
17. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
19. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
20. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
21. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

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May 27, 2001, 09:01 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
WORST ANALOGUES

Winners of the Washington Post's "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:30 p.m. instead of 7:00.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Hmm, now where have I seen this before.

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/lightbulb.gif Reply 88 on page 3, of course!

bearkat77

May 27, 2001, 09:23 AM

Sorry about that, I had forgotten it was already in here.

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May 27, 2001, 09:38 AM

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/scream2.gif That's ok. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/grin.gif

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:21 PM

THE ORIGIN OF THE INTERNET

Anonymous

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com... and that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:26 PM

EXCUSES, EXCUSES, EXCUSES.......

Good reasons you can give NOT to go to work......

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:28 PM

TRUE DEVOTION..............

You know you have been a parent a LONG time when......

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You hide in the bathroom just to get some alone-time.

Your child spits up and you go right on eating.

You consider finger-paint to be a controlled substance.

You've mastered the art of placing large amounts of scrambled eggs and pancakes on the same plate without anything "touching".

You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:29 PM

DAFFY DEFINITIONS......

FLABBERGASTED: appalled over how much weight you have gained

NEGLIGENT: describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie

LYMPH: to walk with a lisp

GARGOYLE: an olive-flavored mouthwash

COFFEE: a person who is coughed upon

FLATULENCE: the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

TESTICLE: a humorous question on an exam

FRISBETARIANISM: the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there

BALDERDASH: a rapidly receding hairline

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:31 PM

MOTEL MADNESS......

You know you picked a bad motel when......

The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Kennedy just died.

The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.

The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.

There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.

The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.

The Only TV station you can get is a porno channel with Roseanne on it. (Nightmare City!!)

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:34 PM

DIVINE DITTIES......

[i]Even the most pious among us must laugh at some of these. It is HUMOR...pure and simple.[i]

I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism : a non-prophet organization.

Photons have mass!?! I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!

Give me some of that old-time Religion! HAIL ZEUS!

In a crisis call for Isis!

Jesus Saves. Passes to Moses. Shoots. HE SCORES!

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, cause that's what He's getting tonight.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:35 PM

SHARP AS A DULL TACK......

You know your new neighbor isn't too bright when she......

When she took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".

Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."

Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

Got hurt while raking leaves because she fell out of the tree.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:36 PM

The Tail That Wagged The Dog
by Ian MacKay

Pedro ........ though a little dog
Had courage bold and raw;
He went into a mirror maze,
And confronting him he saw ......

A dog like him, right face to face,
And more .... wherever he gazed;
A tricky situation ........
But Pedro wasn't fazed.

He gave a bark ... the dog barked back,
The dogs all round joined in;
Echoing off the mirrored glass,
A dreadful, deafening din.

Pedro snarled ... and all at once
All the teeth were bared;
He realized he was outnumbered,
...... And now was getting scared.

He turned and ran ... the dogs ran too,
A snapping, snarling run;
He ran and ran ... till at last he dropped,
The chase ... and he ... were done.

And that was how they found him,
Poor Pedro lying dead;
And you can't help wondering what might have happened,
........ If he'd wagged his tail instead.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:38 PM

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A lawyer anxious to get there first could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:39 PM

Three not too bright young ladies had just bought a can of Pepsi One and were anxious to try it for the first time.

So the first one opened the can and then the second young lady poured it into three glasses.

The third woman eyed the three glasses suspiciously and said, "I wonder which one has the calorie?"

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:41 PM

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

"Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he said.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 27, 2001, 08:53 PM

~~TOON TOWN~~

Look closely....is this man a "liar (http://uGRIN.com/?101-327)?"

A furry felon (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20001209-buffg)

You CAN choose your own friends (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010118-buffg)!!

Second opinion (http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny903.html) time!!

All too true (http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny906.html)!!

Anybody got a hanky (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270803)??

Keep him fit (http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?606.6.478.1) as a fiddle

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

bearkat77

May 28, 2001, 02:25 AM

The Top 15 Signs You've Gotten a Bad Hotel Room

15. The night manager asks your wife how many hours she wants the room for.
14. Must break crime scene tape to enter your room.
13. Annoying sound of video camera starting every time you enter the bathroom.
12. Those chalk outlines on the floor seem rather fresh.
11. The shower curtain appears to be made of skin.
10. The guy at the front desk stares at your chest and asks if you could "sleep facing the clown painting."
9. They don't take American Express, but will consider stereos, VCRs or jewelry.
8. At check-in, the clerk informs you that all of the "Non-Infested" rooms are taken.
7. "Room service" is nothing more than a can of Spam and a bottle of Ripple in a brown paper bag.
6. "Marv Albert wuz here" chewed into headboard.
5. Room service answers, "This better be good, Jerry Springer's on."
4. A second look at the sign out front reveals you're at "Howard's Johnson."
3. Sign out front says, "WELCOME, NAMBLA CONVENTION"
2. "Indian Graveyard Inn" even *sounds* like a bad idea.
1. Replacing the "adult entertainment channel" is a pair of binoculars and instructions to "look across the courtyard, 5th floor, 9:30 p.m."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

bearkat77

May 28, 2001, 02:30 AM

A Blonde's Marriage Diary

Dear Diary:

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden?

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)

May 28, 2001, 05:19 AM

It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.

"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........

"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"

That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"

The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightens and he says,

"Winnie The Sh*t!!"

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 10:46 AM

OLD BONES AND FUNNY STONES.......

On a tombstone at St. Peter's Isle of Thanet, England

Against his will
Here lies George Hill
Who from a cliff
Fell quite stiff
When it happen'd is not known
Therefore not mentioned on this stone
~~~~~~~

Found in Devonshire, England

Here lies, returned to clay
Miss Arabella Young
Who on this first day of May
Began to hold her tongue
~~~~~~~

Found near Lebanon, Connecticut

As a stranger she did die,
In strange lands she doth lie.
Here by strangers she was laid,
And her funeral charges paid.
~~~~~~~

Found at cemetery in Boston, Massachusetts

Here lies a man who while he lived
Was happy as a linnet.
He always lied while on the earth
And now he's lying in it.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 10:46 AM

QUIRKY QUOTES.....

"People say New Yorkers can't get along. The other
night I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers,
sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio,
the other guy took the engine." ~David Letterman~

"When I was a kid I was told anyone could become
President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. ~~Will Rogers~

"Oh my gosh, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?"
~Don Rickles meeting Ernest Borgnine for the first time~

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
~Phyllis Diller~

"If brains was lard, Jethro couldn't grease a pan."
~Jed Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies TV show~

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 10:48 AM

GHASTLY GROANERS.........

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming
a revolving door.

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

My wife went to cooking school; she majored in defrosting.
She has the best meals you ever thaw.

Bessie the cow stopped giving milk today. She is an
udder failure.

A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves.
The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."

I've broken so many mirrors in my life, if I live long
enough to have all that bad luck, I'll be lucky.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 10:48 AM

GIVE ME SOME GOOD 'OL COUNTRY MUSIC......

These are actual song titles......

You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk

The Next Time You Throw That Fryin' Pan, My Face Ain't Gonna Be There

I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are
Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 10:49 AM

SILLY SUPERSTITIONS.....

If a pregnant women stares often and long at a man with
curly hair, when the child is born it will have curly hair.
(What if she stares at a punker with PURPLE curly hair?)

Lettuce is believed to have magical and healing properties,
including the power to arouse love and counteract the effects
of wine.
(Must be true. When was the last time you saw a drunk rabbit?)

An onion cut in half and placed under the bed of a sick person
will draw off fever and poisons. (And bring ants and cockroaches and...)

A frog brings good luck to the house it enters.
(I wonder if that toad of a man who was selling broom handles
the other day at my house counts?)

A horseshoe, hung above the doorway, will bring good luck to a
home. In most of Europe protective horseshoes are placed in a
downward facing position, but in some parts of Ireland and Britain
people believe that the shoes must be turned upward or "the luck
will run out."
(Be sure to remove them from the horse first.)

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 10:51 AM

CARS

By Larriken
(with my apologies for changing some of the
more "colorful" language.)

I'd like to journey back in time,
go back a hundred years.
I'd like to meet those gentlemen
who were our pioneers.
I'd like to go back right away
before this night is out,
See, I'd like to meet old Henry Ford
and punch his old lights out.
'Cause, he's the one responsible
for this four wheel rotten joke.
This stinkin' rotten, worn out car
that always keeps me broke.
I'll never pay the mongrel off
It just gives me such fits,
When you give 'em your deposit
then the car just falls to bits.

They're made from worn out jam tins
so they'll soon be full of rust
and they're always blowin' fuses
and the tires always bust.
'cause if you get the motor runnin'
then the brakes will fall apart
and when it drops down one degree
the suckers never start.

They are the greatest curse to man
since Adam first met Eve.
The trouble that they cause for us
no sane man could believe
I know the thing a man should do
to save his broken heart.
Is burn the rotten heap of junk
and buy a horse and cart.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 10:53 AM

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES......

Here are some excerpts from tests given to children
ages 7 thru 10. You wonder where they learn such things!!

A molecule is so small it cannot be seen by the naked observer.

The future of "I give" is "I take."

A census taker is man who goes from house to house
increasing the population.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never
set foot.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil
his corpse.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull
that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite
so often in the winter.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 10:57 AM

SNAPPY SIGNS.....

Sign in London department store..............
Bargain Basement Upstairs

Outside a farm:Horse Manure.............
$1 Per Pre-Packed Bag--.25 cents Do-It-Yourself

In a laundry, on each washing machine...............
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London office.........
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

In a health food shop............
Closed due to illness.

In a safari park..............
Elephants please stay in your car.

In a farmer's field...........
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but beware that the bull charges.

On a repair shop door...........
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door -- the bell doesn't work)

In an office building washroom...........
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 11:08 AM

REALLY bad news (http://www.lablaughs.com/gtoons.cgi?20010119-buffg)!!

When you care enough to send (http://www.AikensLaughs.com/forfun/funny901.html) the very best

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Try to raise THIS (http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00270072) guy in your aquarium!!

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 01:40 PM

Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride, Mrs. Stanford Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the first time. When the teller told her the check would have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my husband, Mr. Stanford Summers."

------------------
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In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 01:41 PM

A man drives up and parks his car near the Capitol building. Immediately, a security guard rushes out and yells, "Sir! Sir! You can't park your car there, Congress is in session!"

The man replies calmly, "Oh don't worry, I use The Club when I park in a high crime neighborhood."

------------------
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SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 01:43 PM

When my husband was a student at Tennessee Temple University, I often asked him to do errands after class, tying ribbons on his fingers to remind him. A good sport, he didn't protest, even though his classmates obviously noticed my little reminders.

One day he had to have a mole removed from above his ear and emerged from the doctor's office with his head wrapped in a white bandage. When he walked into class, everyone just stared. Finally one student blurted out, "Whatever your wife wants you to remember today, it must be REALLY important."

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SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 01:44 PM

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

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SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 01:47 PM

The Disaster

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!" From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

------------------
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SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 02:05 PM

"Say Again?"

A guy was taking his first parachute jump and his main chute failed to open. He remembered his training and jettisoned it and pulled his reserve chute. This one became twisted, and our hero was left hurtling downwards.

Suddenly, he saw a guy coming up towards him so he shouted, "Do you know anything about parachuting?"

The guy shouted back, "Not a thing. Do you know anything about lighting gas BBQs?"

------------------
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SleepyHead

May 28, 2001, 02:09 PM

"BBQ Anyone?"

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics, they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday nights, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:

You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic.

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:

You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish.

------------------
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mindgames

May 28, 2001, 04:52 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
When my husband was a student at Tennessee Temple University...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/cat.gif went to the Temple? Cool!

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

------------------
This week, the Beatles greatest hits album, "1", is at number thirty-six on the USA album charts. "Wingspan: Hits and History" by Paul McCartney is at number nine.

May 28, 2001, 06:46 PM

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."

May 28, 2001, 06:47 PM

Q: Why couldn't O.J. play baseball?
A: He couldn't find his bloody glove!

bearkat77

May 28, 2001, 10:45 PM

Advice To Dumb Criminals
(based on what other dumb criminals have done)

If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot... *Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.

*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.

When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.

"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.

When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.

If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.

*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.

*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.

*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop.

*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.

*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.

When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's boot.

*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.

If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.

*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.

If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.

------------------
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bearkat77

May 28, 2001, 10:52 PM

CONFUCIUS SAY:

<UL TYPE=SQUARE>Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War not determine who right; war determine who left.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there soon.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man who live in glass house change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.[/list]

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bearkat77

May 28, 2001, 11:08 PM

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/laugh2.gif

------------------
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bearkat77

May 28, 2001, 11:08 PM

Double time again. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/angry3.gif

------------------
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[This Message Has Been Edited By bearkat77 On May 28, 2001 11:16 PM]

May 28, 2001, 11:11 PM

But double posts are definitely a virus. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

bearkat77

May 28, 2001, 11:14 PM

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.

The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.

"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy...I'm Ellen."

------------------
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**DONOTDELETE**

May 28, 2001, 11:27 PM

Why don't gangsta's listen to country music?

Cuz when they hear "hoedown!", they think their girlfriend's been shot!

------------------
4 weeks, 5 days

May 28, 2001, 11:37 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By bearkat77:
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.

The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.

"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy...I'm Ellen."

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Now where have I heard that one before. http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/thinker.gif

http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/images/icons/wink.gif

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 03:17 AM

"Resume 2001"

OBJECTIVE:
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION:
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

EMPLOYMENT:
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those "important" messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99)
Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.

COMPUTER SKILLS:
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
*On/Off Repair Method

HONORS AND AWARDS:
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 03:54 AM

"Things I Wish I'd Known ...
Before I Went Out In The Real World"

1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Why, thank you" (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).

2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiters and doesn't like dogs/cats.

6. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

7. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

10. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

11. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe it.

12. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

13. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

14. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

15. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

16. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.

17. Work is good but it's not that important.

18. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

19. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:08 AM

"Painting"

There's a guy named Wally who applies for a job
to paint the stripes down the middle of the street.
He's real enthusiastic and gets the job.

The first day, Wally painted ten miles of streets.
The boss was impressed. The second day, he
painted 8 miles. The boss thought that was still
good. The third day, he painted 5 miles; and the
fourth day, he only painted 2 miles. The boss
asked Wally why he's painting less and less
each day.

Wally said, "Because the paint bucket is getting
further and further away!"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:09 AM

"Painter"

A ba'al tshuvah (newly observant) house painter
was meeting with his Rebbe during the Days of
Awe, and wondering how he could correct his
previous misdeeds.

"Rebbe, I've done awful things as a painter.
I've done sloppy jobs, used inferior quality
paints and lied about it, I cut my paints with
turpentine, and cut corners. How can I make
up for these evil deeds that I've committed
in a previous life?"

The Rebbe thought for a while, looked at the
painter and then pronounced:

"Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:10 AM

"Woman with a Gun"

While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day
of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that
he never asked her to go along. After several hours
of arguments, the wife won.

That next morning they drove out to the country,
and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from
his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he
heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position.

As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her
gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer!
Get away from it!! The sheepish-looking stranger just
nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer.
Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:11 AM

"Fidel"

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets
there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the
list and that no way, no how, does he belong
in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes
to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome
and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in
heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay
problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to
get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the
gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and
they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes
up with the idea that they should go over the wall
and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels
see them, and one angel says to the other, "My
goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than
ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:13 AM

"Life on Mars"

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA;
they had just made the scientific achievement of
a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne,
Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA,
asked everyone to be quiet as he had received
a congratulatory phone call from the President
of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.

"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning
broadly, "after twelve years of hard research
and billions of dollars spent, we have finally
found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually
disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible . . . we could
never do it. . . yes Mr. President," and hung up
the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists
staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the President
said that now that we've found intelligent life on
Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

------------------
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SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:14 AM

"Driver's License Picture"

When I went to get my driver's license renewed,
our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The
line inched along for almost an hour until the
man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and
commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line
so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in
this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder,
then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're
going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:15 AM

"The Nicked Bumper" (A golden oldie...)

A man was trying to pull out of a parking place,
but nicked the bumper of the parked car in front
of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians
waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected
the damage, and proceeded to write a note to
leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.
(This was the law in California for damage to
an unoccupied vehicle.)

The note read:

"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are
some people here watching me who think that I
am writing this note to leave you my name,
phone number, and driver's license number,
but I am not."

------------------
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Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

[This Message Has Been Edited By SleepyHead On May 29, 2001 04:15 AM]

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:17 AM

Memo to the Boss

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait
until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of
a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it is really a rush job, run in and interrupt me
every 10 minutes to inquire how it is going. That
helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise
me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you
are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when
someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or
supplies, do not open the door for me. I need to learn
how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training in case I should ever
be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, do not tell
me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office
and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that
gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you do not like my work, tell everyone. I like
my name to be popular in conversations. I was
born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, do not
write them down. In fact, save them until the job is
almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you are with.
I have no right to know anything. In the corporate
food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for
you could really change your life and send you
straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has
any and it is nice to know someone is less fortunate.
I especially like the story about having to pay so
many taxes on the bonus check you received for
being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me
what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a
mediocre performance rating with a cost of living
increase. I am not here for the money anyway.

------------------
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Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:18 AM

"Flight from Egypt"

This little girl, was told to draw her conception of
the Hebrews flight from Egypt. She came home
with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all
with halos and one person up front without one.
When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's
Pontius, the pilot."

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http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:19 AM

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt,
the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was
now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So,
what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey,
"What wuz all the grown-ups doin'"?

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http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:22 AM

"I, Sort-of, Do... "

On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, a guy
stood on the first tee at his country club. He had
just pulled out his driver when a young woman in
a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.

"You (fill in the blank)!" she screamed in his face. "You
lousy no-good rotten stinking (fill in the blank)!" !"

"What's your problem, sweetie?" he calmly replied.
"I distinctly told you 'only if it rained'."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:23 AM

"Conversation"

A University of Alabama football player was visiting
a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He
went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He
was attempting to start up a conversation with the
line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed
with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer
his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted,
"WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:24 AM

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in
an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish
apartment where he soon discovered she was
not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently
very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began
showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
first editions by famous authors and offered her
a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry
and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me,
it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a
crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious
sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed
and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I
inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the
wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to
drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to
glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly
played fills my ears and I'm transported into another
world.

"On the other hand, Port gives me gas."

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:26 AM

This is a joke...

On March 12, 1998, during the noon news,
this news service reported;

"NASA has announced that an asteroid will
come within 3000 miles of the Earth and that
there was a potential for total destruction of our
Planet. This asteroid is due to arrive at 2028
military time or 8:28PM local time. Therefore,
may strongly encourage everyone to immediately
follow these instructions:

1. Do not panic.

2. Everyone should mercifully kill your own children;
sparing them the agony of a horrible death, as the
Earth disintegrates.

3. Since watching the Earth disintegrate will cause
panic, claw out your own eyes, so you won't see
"The End."

We have since been informed that this news story
had a small error and should have said;

"The asteroid is due to arrive in THE YEAR 2028."

We know that there are many viewers who followed
our advice to prepare for the end, and we sincerely
apologize for any inconvenience that we may have
caused.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

SleepyHead

May 29, 2001, 04:27 AM

"Value of a Good Pair of Underwear"

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working
under your vehicle especially in public. From the Sydney,
Australia Morning Herald News comes this story of a
central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only
to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man
told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near
the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was
in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment,
she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his
shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her husband, who was standing
idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches
in his head.

------------------
http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/sleep2.gif
In Memory Of Robby (http://inmemoryofrobby.50megs.com)
Our Lady's Psalter (http://ourladyspsalter.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Beatlemaniac Page (http://bearkat77.www9.50megs.com)
Bearkat77's Tribute to John Lennon (http://bearkatjl.50megs.com)

Rellevart

May 29, 2001, 08:05 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE>Quote:<HR>Originally Posted By SleepyHead:
"Things I Wish I'd Known ...
Before I Went Out In The Real World"
11. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe it.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oh yeah. Ain't THIS one the truth?! http://www.beatlelinks.net/ubb/smilies/hammer1.gif Not that I'm bitter or anything.....

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Hey, don't you know that I'm....always going back in time....

May 31, 2001, 07:24 AM

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.